[TheOriginalMe]

Still no progress on making an appointment to speak to my Head of Service, tomorrow is the last chance really.

I wish the right course of action would become apparent.

[angelene]

The sadness and grief continue...

[dillpickle1983]

I was up.

[SeekerOfLife]

My depression has abated due to a vigorous exercise session

Switching between sadness/weeping......to anger.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Ambivalent13

Switching between sadness/weeping......to anger.

Me too. ..

[LindaLu]

I couldn't keep everyone happy today. Not even close. Now realizing that people pleasing is like a dog chasing its tail. Except not so funny for anyone involved

[Sunflower123]

Made it to therapy yesterday. Always makes me feel better. Hopeful for the future.

[tigerlily84]

I finally filled my prescription after work. After that, I was on a roll and bought stuff that I have been meaning to get like shampoo and conditioner, and I even bought some makeup. I feel like dressing up. And I made pasta for dinner. I'm not much of a cook but I was pretty proud of myself for doing all of that. I hope this continues for tomorrow.

[tz90]

Feeling pretty fk'n terrible, as I remembered what kind of horrible person I am. That's just what I need when there's stressful times coming up. At least I'm not that sick anymore.

Originally Posted by SeekerOfLife

My depression has abated due to a vigorous exercise session

This happens to me too, SeekerOfLife. Isn't it great when that happens?

Having another day of feeling okay, so this is the third day in a row. Still not entirely sure why all last week I just didn't want to get out of bed and face the world and now I'm okay. Maybe increasing my lamictal dose to 100 mg last Thursday has helped? Whatever the reason, I'll take it!

[herethennow]

----------trigger warning---------------

saw pdoc a few hours ago. i couldnt bring myself to tell him about my ultimate plans of sui. that i am trying to make it as foolproof as possible...
i am tired of everything. i dont feel like continuing on with this battle anymore.

i don't know why i just keep doing - it's like as if i am running on autopilot mode. i don't see any meaning to what i am doing anymore. sure i may be high functioning, but i just dont know why i keep doing things. i just want to drop everything and retreat to bed for once.

[regretful]

What a bittersweet day today is for me...I'm sad about leaving a business that my wife and I own together; though I'll be active in it behind the scenes, leaving her with all the day to day responsibility makes me sad for so many reasons...Depression is hanging around in the shadows for me right now...I'll have to keep positive in this transition. My worries are that the last time I tried this adventure, I was able to keep things good for a year, and then depression hit - HARD ... I'll keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers as you (and I) struggle to live with this horrible affliction.

[Turtlesoup]

So I'm just all over the place the last couple of days-been a while since I had this going on. Was giddy/manic then depressed & had a long crying spell trigger warning(also some self harm thoughts) then OMG so irritable-big sigh. Called my tdoc for phone support for the first time which was really hard to do but it helped & I felt proud of myself for doing that (even though that evil part of my brain is yelling "your so weak for doing that"). See my pdoc next week for med adjustments so I'm sure we will increase the Depakote. Good luck to all here as we go out & face what today will bring us.

[Espresso]

I'm having a very depressed day. I don't know why. I feel horribly depressed. Usually, I wouldn't describe my issues as "having depression", but today is undeniably depression. Sigh.

[tigersassy]

Posted this in bipolar forum but did here too.
So had a therapist appointment today. I just out and out asked her off she thought I was bipolar she's been seeing me since November and she doesn't think I am. She thinks that the mania they thought I was experiencing was really part of the way my PTSD effects me. She said I might have borderline personality, but she doesn't know. She wants me to research and see if I fit then we'll discuss. Oh and she's leaving the practice where I see her, her last day is March 4th. However she has a private practice and I'm following her because she's the only person recently that I've been able to open up to professional wise. Hopeful that I'm moving forward. Since my appt this morning I feel a lot better. We touched on something that I haven't really talked about before that got put on the shelf after it happened but my cancer treatment changed that position. Forward movement. Yay! So happy about this. Now waiting on hematology appt. Hopefully good news. Fingers crossed.

[einsam]

I hate waiting on e-mails. I expect to be ignored or quickly dismissed by my potential mentors in this field, but there's no telling so soon...

Originally Posted by herethennow

----------trigger warning---------------

saw pdoc a few hours ago. i couldnt bring myself to tell him about my ultimate plans of sui. that i am trying to make it as foolproof as possible...
i am tired of everything. i dont feel like continuing on with this battle anymore.

i don't know why i just keep doing - it's like as if i am running on autopilot mode. i don't see any meaning to what i am doing anymore. sure i may be high functioning, but i just dont know why i keep doing things. i just want to drop everything and retreat to bed for once.

Sometimes autopilot is all we have to get us to the next day, the next week, or the next month... definitely been there.

[Bark]

Depressed.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by herethennow

----------trigger warning---------------

saw pdoc a few hours ago. i couldnt bring myself to tell him about my ultimate plans of sui. that i am trying to make it as foolproof as possible...
i am tired of everything. i dont feel like continuing on with this battle anymore.

i don't know why i just keep doing - it's like as if i am running on autopilot mode. i don't see any meaning to what i am doing anymore. sure i may be high functioning, but i just dont know why i keep doing things. i just want to drop everything and retreat to bed for once.

Have you tried writing down how you feel and your plans then you can just hand that to your Pdoc and either wait for him to read it or tell him you'll wait in the other room.

[Nammu]

Still not where I was a week ago but I slept better last night and today I'm not swinging so much from tears to irritantatableness. Woke up late but got myself off to the later cardio workout and walked on the threadmill.

Because I feel raw and exposed I thought I'd ask people here if it's ok I post on the daily depression thread instead of the bipolar thread? When I first started here at PC I was still in denial about being BP, I was ok with the PSTD but I'd told everyone I had MDD not BP.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Still not where I was a week ago but I slept better last night and today I'm not swinging so much from tears to irritantatableness. Woke up late but got myself off to the later cardio workout and walked on the threadmill.

Because I feel raw and exposed I thought I'd ask people here if it's ok I post on the daily depression thread instead of the bipolar thread? When I first started here at PC I was still in denial about being BP, I was ok with the PSTD but I'd told everyone I had MDD not BP.

It is fine by me, lots of people with bipolar post here, especially if depression is causing them problems. Depression comes in many shapes and sizes, for some it is an illness in its own right, for others it is a symptom of another condition. I think I'd still want to post here even if my depression got better altogether, I like it here and I feel I belong. I miss people when they move on and I kind of hope that I would be missed too, so in my book it is just fine to post here if you feel this is where you belong.

[TheOriginalMe]

Still not made that appointment yet. I guess I've given up. I still have time to accept or reject the offer in question, but I don't think I'm going to be strong enough to negotiate a better deal for myself.

I filled in loads of paperwork for my T today: a mood test - just about everything is causing me distress, an inventory of inter-personal problems - I have so little contact with people that it was impossible for me to answer most of the questions because I'm so isolated, finally a difficult states of mind inventory - most of those applied and I added plenty more of my own. Looking at it all I don't think I'll be fixed anytime soon, especially as the sessions are limited to 24 weeks.

[angelene]

Appointment with the pdoc tomorrow afternoon. I'm not feeling better than I was last time and, ridiculously, feel like I'm going to disappoint her.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

It is fine by me, lots of people with bipolar post here, especially if depression is causing them problems. Depression comes in many shapes and sizes, for some it is an illness in its own right, for others it is a symptom of another condition. I think I'd still want to post here even if my depression got better altogether, I like it here and I feel I belong. I miss people when they move on and I kind of hope that I would be missed too, so in my book it is just fine to post here if you feel this is where you belong.

Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me right now.

Yes I would miss you.