[avlady]

i don't know how people with migraines or just slight headaches get anything done. i get migraines and have to take imetrix for them and sometimes that doesn't even help. i can't function with a headache, how does anyone with a headache work?

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Okay. And if I do go, I'll also make a list of everything I need to say beforehand, because I can articulate my feelings well in writing but I have the habit of freezing up in front of people. I know I'll need to tell them exactly what's wrong.
Thank you.

Good idea! And good luck. You're older now than you were four years ago, and hopefully they'll treat you with respect. Lots of hugs.

[mulan]

There's something I want to talk about.
I live in this foggy world separated by a wall of glass from everybody else. It has always been like this, there isn't a phase in my life I remember being any different.
Of course it brings me so problems. And sometimes I have an huge trouble to separate dream from reality. I have to step back in my thoughts, use logic, cut some kind of dream my mind is making up, in order to know if I should do what I am thinking. It's like slapping my face and talking to myself "shut up, what you think is absurd, you never would do that, that is not how you feel about the world".
How I know my self for a while, I try to think from an outside view, as it wasn't me, and guessing what I would react. But I just can think about it in theory, I can not feel how I would feel, even I know what I would feel.
This makes my world very confusing, to the point I don't know what I like or who I like.

I have been having a crush on this boy. But sometimes it just gets to a point that I don't know if my feelings are real or I am creating them but thinking about him more than I should. And the more time I spent without seeing him or talking to him, the more he becomes some kind of fantasy made up by me.

I hate I can't have any memory that I feel it was real.

[Rose76]

My spell of misery is lifting. Feeling better, but lazy.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I feel lonely.

[angelene]

I hate being so exhausted from doing so little.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm stable today, I wasn't stable yesterday. This is just a temporary lull, due to more to exhaustion than anything else. I have used the lull to try to develop a plan of action but I'm not sure I have the strength to carry any of it out.

I need something to change and that has to be finding the right medication to support me through the therapy I am about to start. Unfortunately, my pdoc has yet to come up with any meds that I haven't already tried and that won't cause intolerable side effects.

[LindaLu]

Today was ok. My thoughts were more rational. Exercised a little. Over-ate a lot. Am not going to beat myself up about it. Tomorrow is a new day. Bills are paid. My bed is warm. A cat is kneading my stomach. How bad can that be?

Well I never thought I'd be coming here and saying this and trying not to feel bad for feeling good, but I had a good day, and I feel good right now.

Dad has been unwell, but I think he may pull through fine.. He was out of breath after feeding the horses today, but he didn't seem bad later on. I got to see the beautiful horses, one is dying, she has lost much weight, but I fed her extra apples (delicious), and her eyes were like "wow, what is this, it's winter and I'm getting an apple"..... and my princess who isn't trained, Lily is, well, she got up the nerve not to let Lily boss her into not coming in the barn. Lily is a barrel racing horse, so she is the boss of them.

Oh how I love horses and wish I had taken an interest in them when they were all there. I don't want to know that soon the farm will be gone, but I'm accepting it. I choose to bring some peace into the home now, and live for these moments forgetting what lies behind. I made my mom laugh, she hugged and kissed me and said something really nice in dutch. My dad told me stories about his life on the way home, that I'd never heard. He knows I'm proud of him. There is always a way to make things better and it is never too late until it's over.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by angelene

I hate being so exhausted from doing so little.

Hi Angelene,
It is happenning the same to me. I was released from the hospital yesterday. It is so frustrating!

Another day of feeling like I have to force myself to participate in life. I do hope there is an end to this depression someday. It's just so hard to trudge through life like this. I'm so tired of spending time on the computer, but there's no activity that appeals to me other than horseback riding, which I do once every two weeks and it only takes about 3 hours total with travel time.

[Rose76]

Not so good today.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Another day of feeling like I have to force myself to participate in life. I do hope there is an end to this depression someday. It's just so hard to trudge through life like this. I'm so tired of spending time on the computer, but there's no activity that appeals to me other than horseback riding, which I do once every two weeks and it only takes about 3 hours total with travel time.

I've been wondering newgal2, perhaps you could volunteer at the stable? Maybe in return for free lessons? You've mentioned your fibromyalgia so I'm not sure if the physical effort would make things worse. There's also the possibility of just spending time with the horses if that doesn't bore you.

[JohnCrow]

Physical ailments complicate mental, multiplying misery

I am seeking treatment but the "free" Canadian health care means at least a week wait for an ultrasound. I may have diabetes, I have high blood pressure

This, for the record, is not a suicide post but why am I still alive? I have no right to be, no reason to be, no hope to continue but here I am

Maybe there is inertia

Originally Posted by Bark

I've been wondering newgal2, perhaps you could volunteer at the stable? Maybe in return for free lessons? You've mentioned your fibromyalgia so I'm not sure if the physical effort would make things worse. There's also the possibility of just spending time with the horses if that doesn't bore you.

That's not a bad idea, Bark. I don't think volunteering at the stable would cause problems with my fibromyalgia. It's just when I jog.

I should mention that I decided to have more frequent ECT treatments. My depression has definitely gotten worse over the past week. I've only had 2 treatments over the past 6 weeks.

[TheOriginalMe]

I started the ball rolling today and fired off the first email in the list of things I need to do about my job. The email was to a support worker who can maybe help me, so out of the things I need to do it is probably the least risky. I am getting more and more anxious about the next one though as that will be to the Head of Service asking for a meeting. Once I've done that, there's no going back. There is this awful voice telling me that I'm only going to make matters worse or that at best I'll be patronised and given the pep talk that I need to take responsibility for my actions. The worst case scenario is that they disbelieve me and use my illness against me. I am afraid, I am depressed, I am anxious and I can't see a good ending to this at all.

[anisepower]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I woke up feeling miserable and like I can't cope. Hoping this is just from lack of sleep or something, I had enough trouble with depression last year, getting it again this year would be a major downfall to my studies.

It wasn't much of a weekend for me. It was very busy but not much social interacting. Yesterday was a frustrating day as I had planned to do my taxes in the morning. It turned out that I could not access instructions on line with my computer. I went to the library and H & R Block with hopes that they will have instruction pamphlets. They didn't. Except that the library had the State pamphlets, but not the Federal. And with going on a wild goose chase, I did not get any housecleaning done!

My only friend has been gone all weekend, but I felt alright with him not around. Though I missed him. Today I went to church. Quite a few people there, despite that there was a Men's Retreat (that's where my friend went, but I didn't go). I was very busy after church. I did the laundry just after church, but it didn't go smoothly because the laundry room was very busy. I just went on a one hour bike ride today. It was all that I had time for.

I've discovered that putting other's needs first, and not complaining at all no matter what I feel, is working. If someone says something I don't like, I don't bite.
The anti d, I'm surprised at myself for sticking with it this time. It might numb a few things that I enjoyed before, but it is better than feeling total misery. I think it is evening out my appetite too. First my blood glucose levels were up, but they are starting to even out, and with less quetiapine I'm not looking for sweets and carbs all the time.
I really am ready to get out there and find some satisfying work. I did do some this weekend, but I'm ready for a bit more of a challenge now. After working Sat. my si joints really hurt, but I did sit for too long too. I have to either stand, keep moving, or lie down so it doesn't hurt. Hope to hear that my physio therapy will start soon, I've been waiting I think for 2 months.

Feeling blue and like I don't want to face the world again today. Really need to step up the ECT ASAP.

Editing to say I feel much better after my jog/walking. Too bad it doesn't last.

[regretful]

Loads of snow in my neck of the woods today; makes me wonder why I returned to this, but then I remember skiing and winter sports, and the fact that it only lasts until the spring. As for my mood, I'm annoyed by the business that I'm involved in, and I know that it is a major contributor to my depression. Doing okay without medication...

[Nammu]

Still having intense periods of tears and aggression. I'll cry for no reason at all and I shouldn't be driving with the agitation, yesterday I got so upset with the people pulling right in front of me that I pulled out and roared past them all. Their cutting me off happens to me all the time I drive a sedan in a country of SUVs and pick up trucks so they seem to think nothing of passing me and cutting right in front, no leeway. Normally I deal with it but lately it's really getting on the last nerve I seem to possess. I don't know what's going on, did my meds stop working or what?

Maybe I don't need ECT ASAP after all. All this morning I've been feeling pretty good (well, after I went jog/walking that is - - not when I first woke up). I found out I have an interview with a staffing agency this afternoon and that has me in an especially good mood. Maybe my problem is just a matter of perspective and talking myself out of negative self talk? It doesn't look like I can get in for ECT this week anyway.

[herethennow]

Not feeling good. Guess I was right - the two days of feeling better was just a lull. God when will this end.. Im just tired.

The thought of just ceasing to exist is becoming more elusive. But theres just so much to do and so much things depends on me and so i just trudge on without any breaks for myself.

Seeing pdoc and T this week. Not looking forward to seeing pdoc - the previous time I met him, all I felt was me not being heard. All I felt from him was annoyance, just because I failed at succeeding an attempt (again) and pdoc is giving up on me. At that moment i didnt feel like talking (was also having a fever) so i didnt have much strength to talk. So i tried my best to talk and couldnt even talk loud and he was angry at me for that... I dont want to see him ever again.

[Sunflower123]

Struggling with depression and panic attacks today. The financial burden this illness has visited on me is incredibly stressful. Just trying to take it one day at a time and not give up.