[Nammu]

Since last Thursday I've withdrawn into my shell. Not really hungry which is good since I don't really have any food and havnt gone out since I got back on Thursday.

The case worker stopped by and asked my to rate depression on a scale, told her I'm not depressed just withdrawn. But she doesn't get it because then she kept wanting to know if I was going to hurt myself, if I felt safe. Well I don't feel safe but that's other people I don't feel safe from. My apt is my cave, I feel safe here.

Well wow, scary the police just came here, they knock so loudly that a dead person could hear it. Apparently they were trying to get a hold of me about Thursday. Gave them my email so the detective could contact me.

[TheOriginalMe]

Tomorrow is therapy day, as usual I'm feeling physically bad because of that. It is wierd because even though I know it is somatic I do feel like I'm getting a real illness. My mood is very flaky too, I wish I could protect myself from the pain.

[waterknob1234]

I am so exhausted. Working 12 to 13 hours a day every day is slowly taking me down. Every bone in my body is painful and sore. I can't do this much longer.

[Chummy]

I'm feeling kind of ok. Not good, but not as bad as in the previous weeks. I don't know if it is because of the EMDR or my feelings towards my pdoc or that the medication finally started working.

But I still feel so tired. I just don't have the energy to do much. And I feel lonely

i'm feeling daydreamish. PTSD is making my life somewhat of a living nightmare.

I guess I feel so-so today. Depression is not a whole lot better. I really hope the ECT helps tomorrow. I hate getting up at 4:30 a.m. for it, but it's the best thing I've got in my arsenal now.

Today I'm volunteering at the museum, AA meeting and dropping something off at a staffing agency. With my depression as bad as it is right now, I don't even know if I could work a full-time job. The staffing agency that has the part-time paralegal job isn't even calling me back or responding to my emails.

[herethennow]

Possible trigger:

actively planning things out.
I dont know whether i shld start being scared.
Being deadset on it tbh... the thoughts of it reassures me. The pain is going to go.. soon...

[color14u]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I don't have a doc... no phone to call anyone right now anyway, my mom smashed it last night with a hammer, in a fight with my dad. I won't be dying anytime soon, trust me... I don't have a way to do it.

Thank you for caring.

We all care and are here to share your pain. Keep sending your thoughts, feelings and fears. That being said, you do need to try to get a professional ear if at all possible. I am so sorry you are in pain.

[color14u]

Originally Posted by Bark

Saw my psychiatrist. We're going to up the dose and if I don't feel safe, there's the hospital.

It was kind of embarrassing, but I asked my friend to help me reheat my food. I don't have an appetite and I've lost quite a bit of weight (my psychiatrist is convinced I have an eating disorder). I have food, I just can't be bothered. Today I had a banana and a cupcake. Now I had some rice. My stomach is grumbling, but I finished the bowl and can't be bothered to get more food from the fridge. At least I'm not as woozy and out of it anymore.

I'm foreseeing another admission. I quite doubt I'll change meds, but... it's breathing space I guess.

Possible trigger:

Not to mention that last night was absolutely horrible and I started seriously planning methods.

Okaaaay...

[color14u]

Originally Posted by herethennow

Possible trigger:

actively planning things out.
I dont know whether i shld start being scared.
Being deadset on it tbh... the thoughts of it reassures me. The pain is going to go.. soon...

please keep sending updates. We need to know you are okay

Not going to give up. I have come far.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

I have therapy later today. Sort of dreading it, and at the same time want to do it because therapist is getting at some really hard s*** that needs to get worked on. It's exhausting, though.

I spent time talking to a friend yesterday about my life and she expressed both support for me and anger over my situation. She seems to want it to change at least as badly as I do, but also sees the bind I am in and how hard it is to change where I'm at.

Mixed feelings from that. Appreciate the support. Once again, reminded that I am trapped.

[Rose76]

I'm kind of sick. Trying to avoid going to the emergency room, hoping tummy pain will go away. My s.o. needs to work with me better. Meeting his needs is getting more stressful.

Posting again to say my mood is better. I felt really accomplished by the volunteer work I did this morning. Plus, I wore makeup today, which I've been out of the habit of doing, because I had the appointment with the staffing agency so I was feeling better about my appearance.

The appointment with the staffing agency went well. There's a chance I'll get a temp job for a bank in the mortgage loan department. I'll know within the next couple of business days. It will be better than nothing and will keep some cash coming in while I continue my permanent job search.

[Bark]

Feeling better. I tell myself, don't start wondering why and feeling that you should be depressed. Whatever the reason, embrace it.

Upped my dose today. And last night I was reading about stuff that I really identified with. I kind of knew about it already but now I've accepted it. It's who I am. Doesn't make it any easier but it's good to know. Both of those might be reasons.

I rescued a bird today. I don't know if there's anyone who can take care of it and I'm running a big risk keeping it tonight (no animals allowed), so I hope it feels better tomorrow or I find someone who can take care of it. Kind of worried about it not making the night as well.

I feel like maybe I won't get admitted soon... that would be good. Not suicidal like I was before.

[dandylin]

Talked w/t today. It helped. I wish I felt as safe with my husband as t.

[TheOriginalMe]

The depression taunts and teases me, hides and then reappears, it lets me know that it remains in charge and will never allow me a life!

[tigerlily84]

Today was better. Got a lot done at work. And for the first time in a while, I felt like wearing a dress. Even so, it feels like I'm on the brink of depression rushing back. We'll see I guess.

[Turtlesoup]

Slept well last night (thank you Ambien), stayed in bed to read for a while (my T said I need to start treating myself to more things I enjoy), did a load of laundry, made the bed. Went on a beautiful hike but wow it was pretty hard-saw lots of wildflowers, water birds & butterflies-sat down on a log by the water with my hubby-it was pretty awesome. Took a shower, washed my hair, brushed flossed & put on a nice sundress (who is this person????) So thankful to be feeling well. Sending lots of hugs & positive thoughts out to all here especially those who are struggling remember it can get better we can overcome stupid depression & kick it's @$$

Doing ok today. Woke up at about 3 a.m. again and couldn't get back to sleep, which is how it always goes for me the morning of an ECT. I hate that. A good friend of mine is driving me to the hospital since my husband has a work meeting this morning.

Not much else on the agenda today besides a couple of conference calls with realtors/my attorney (trying to sell the house I inherited from my Dad).

meh..............

[dandylin]

I have knee issues, had surgery over 25 years ago and was great until recently. I woke up in the middle of the night with my knee locked. It lasted maybe 20 seconds, but boy did it hurt. It's always something

I don't even know how I feel

[herethennow]

Possible trigger:

slowly im sorting everything out.
Having sudden crying spurts. Seeing pdoc soon.
Refusing inpatient.
No thanks.

Active sui thoughts and i still dont know whether i should be scared. I find myself in comfort that its all going to end soon...