[Nammu]

Am worried and apprehensive. My 88 year old mom emailed and said she was worried about needing to go into the hospital. Wanted to wait until Monday when she sees her doctor. Mom is the glue of our family with her gone there's no family. My daughter and nephews all vist her regularly. She was much better at being grandma than she ever was being a mom. I however love her and don't want to think of losing her. She still lives in her house and does all the house keeping. She let the garden go after the pollination became too much to handle. It's hard to think of her as old. She's always 40-50 yrs old to me. My heart is heavy.

[Smileonmyface]

doing ok. anxious about being involved in helping at a community party tomorrow. worried about my colonoscopy next week and dreading the whole process. guilty about my husband having to take off work to watch the kids while i go. at least my mind has settled a bit on the whole church/religion thing for the time being. I really really hope that doesn't act up again.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by herethennow

Possible trigger:

slowly im sorting everything out.
Having sudden crying spurts. Seeing pdoc soon.
Refusing inpatient.
No thanks.

Active sui thoughts and i still dont know whether i should be scared. I find myself in comfort that its all going to end soon...

(((herethennow))) Come on, you're a fighter. We're here for you.

[Bark]

Still feeling better. It feels weird! To go from rock bottom to being optimistic about the future. I'm incredibly confused.

The bird made the night! It's now under a vet's care. Hoping for the best. She seemed surprised at the care I gave the bird. Made me kind of proud inside.

[TheOriginalMe]

There was a solar eclipse (91%), the skies darkened, the temperature dropped and the birds stopped singing. I'm not sure if I'm describing the astronomical phenomenon or my mood.

[color14u]

Originally Posted by herethennow

Possible trigger:

slowly im sorting everything out.
Having sudden crying spurts. Seeing pdoc soon.
Refusing inpatient.
No thanks.

Active sui thoughts and i still dont know whether i should be scared. I find myself in comfort that its all going to end soon...

[Dante744]

I've had a pretty up and down past 2 weeks I was able to see my psychologist twice so that made me feel relived and happy because all of the setbacks I've had the previous months that delayed me of seeing him. I wanted to celebrate St. Patrick's Day and go to the parade so I can do something socially but I was unable too because I had to run errands with my mom and go to the doctors with her I was letdown but I guess it happens. After that I felt overwhelmed and tired and I had to force myself to do a few things my lack of motivation is really frustrating me. Part of me is comfortable with living like this and wants to accept the role I;m in right now but that's not what I want I want to avoid that side

On Wednesday I fell sick I don't know what it was I was feeling nauseous, dizzy, had a headache and the chills, stomach pains, and no appetite.

But despite the downs it was pretty refreshing to get back to seeing my psychologist again

Feeling kind of down and unmotivated today. Just don't feel like doing anything. Really tired of struggling with depression. Had an ECT yesterday yet I still feel this way. What's it going to take?

Will go run/walking this morning, grocery shopping with my husband, not sure what else. Going back to bed for a while, until it gets light out so I can run.

Updating a little later to say my mood is improved after jogging. I will make it through the day okay if I continue to feel this way. I am kind of shaming myself though because my depression has me not interested in much of anything besides surfing the internet. I'm just not myself with normal interests and curiosities. And then there's my husband: normally moving about the house doing stuff. I just feel so weird in comparison. Very self-conscious.

[herethennow]

so emotions are being all funny with me and unleashed everything. crying spells.

Possible trigger:

i can't control these thoughts anymore.
i don't want to live with this pain anymore.
the more i think about it, the more feasible the idea is.

i'm just so sick of all this. it's better for me to go so as to not inconvenience anyone.. esp pdoc.
/sigh
i wish i could sleep for a longer time so as to escape from this pain.....

having a massive argument with my mother. i hate the stupid cow. she's so melodramatic and pathetic, it's like we're all forced to tiptoe round her. i'd rather be anywhere but here.

Possible trigger:

this is giving me a massive urge to cut myself. i talked about SI in therapy yesterday and we came to the resolution that it wasn't worth it, but SHE makes me feel like this. i absolutely despise her.

[color14u]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

having a massive argument with my mother. i hate the stupid cow. she's so melodramatic and pathetic, it's like we're all forced to tiptoe round her. i'd rather be anywhere but here.

Possible trigger:

this is giving me a massive urge to cut myself. i talked about SI in therapy yesterday and we came to the resolution that it wasn't worth it, but SHE makes me feel like this. i absolutely despise her.

I lived with that type of family stress and I came to the same conclusion that it isn't worth it. I come back to visit every once in a while and I just remove myself mentally from the stress. I just don't respond so I am no longer feeding the monster. It's harder to deal with on a daily basis. I wish I could make it better for you or give you better advice, but I can't. Just know we are here for you to vent.

[BrightShadows]

Today is actually ok not spectacular but much better than yesterday. Going to work all day today, but tomorrow I may plant some of my garden.
for anyone feeling down today.

[color14u]

I am back at home visiting my parents. It was a long car ride here. I was so uncomfortable. I spent yesterday shopping with my mom, sister and niece. I was exhausted after an hour. I am so frustrated and tired of needing to rely on other people. After everyone was gone I basically cried myself to sleep. I don't know how much longer I can stand to do this. I am constantly acting like I am brave and it sucks. But I know no one wants to hang out with a cry baby... so I repress all that and make jokes all the time... only problem is, I'm not laughing anymore.

[Nammu]

Mum emailed me to say she's not in any pain any more. That's a relief. I was planing out how I was going to get up there, if should I rent a car or get an airline ticket. It's exhasting but somewhat easier to drive, I can get there in less than 24 hours and don't have to deal with going though security and sitting around in airports. Somehow driving is easier than waiting around in airports. Maybe becouse I have more control? Be nice if I could fly my own plane. Be even nicer if I could fold a plane into a briefcase they way Felix the cat did.
Baring accidents or illness my relatives lived into their late nineties. My great grandma was 98. Still mom's the oldest That's left of her siblings. Physically my cousins and I have more health problems than our parents did-- junk food, not enough walking, who knows? So I'm sort of ruminating on death but my mood is fine.

[Chummy]

I've been looking at schools and what I could study. It gives me anxiety. I don't think I'll be ready to go back to school this year. How I am now, I won't be able to go to school everyday and learn. And I don't think that will be different in 5 months. I think it's better to wait till 2016. And to have this year to concentrate on getting better.
It makes me sad. My life has been like this for almost 10 years. I miss so much. But I have tried before and I know I would fail school again if I go back to school with this severe depression and social anxiety.
I feel like such a failure

[starryprince]

Hey all. I'm doing alright today. My mood has been fluctuating for the past couple of days, but I'm alright. Just stressed because I have midterms coming up after spring break, and I also have to meet up with a classmate to do a project.

I HAVE been feeling really lonely though. My dysphoria has been really bothering me and I just feel like I have no one to relate to. At least I have my mom. I'm so grateful for her. I hope everyone is doing well!

i feel weird today. it hasn't been a good day. i get quite a lot of these bad days. i think i might have a bath with some Lush stuff and watch Netflix. this usually helps when i feel weird.

Possible trigger:

i have had massive SI urges all day long. i don't know how i've managed to not do it.

[BluGangsta]

I get so fed up sometimes. If its not one thing its another. Why can't I stop sleeping??

[TheOriginalMe]

I don't like myself much today. I keep thinking about the work done in therapy and all I can see is that I made myself like this, it is all down to me.

[Turtlesoup]

Super nice day today-saw so many different kinds of butterflies on our hike today they were awesome. Still lots of wildflowers blooming-found a nice spot by the water under a willow tree to do a nice little meditation. Got a lot done around the house too. Showered, washed my hair (again!) & shaved (gasp )-my energy level was good today. Hope everyone here has a good safe evening & can find something positive-hugs to all

[herethennow]

Possible trigger:

conflicted between dying and....... you heard it, inpatient.

but god mind is super set on the former, though.

Originally Posted by herethennow

Possible trigger:

conflicted between dying and....... you heard it, inpatient.

but god mind is super set on the former, though.

please, if you don't feel safe, go inpatient. IP saved my life when i felt like you did.

[eggplantlife]

Hmmm...feeling lonely. Don't know really. Also not lonely too. I am grateful that i feel better about myself. I am so grateful for it. I would like to be completely like that. I would like someone to come into my life that i can talk with about anything and any time. I guess i am looking for a mate. It seems friends are not like that. I guess i got used to that lifestyle having a husband once...then it was taken away. Before that i wasn't used to talking to someone like that.

I also very tired of fixing myself. Though maybe i healed a lot.

Going to stop now before it becomes long. Guess, not doing well...though feel okay. If that makes sense.

[tigersassy]

I'm so tired. My spouse and I went hiking to a fishing spot. Not very far onto the trail, but on the way back I felt like I wasn't catching my breath. It scared me a bit because of my CML, but I calmed down and caught it. I had therapy yesterday. Have homework and gave my therapist an idea for a addition to it. I'm preparing to go thru hell again by dealing with my past, but it's helping now too. It'll be ok.

Feeling okay I guess. Again, not fabulous, not horrible, somewhere in between. Not really sure what's on tap for today other than laundry and we're going to visit my husband's mother (yay - - not!).