I'm not even mad at my family anymore, I'm disappointed. I'm just really disappointed.

I don't know why the heck I can't just let go of the freaking past and just move forward. It SOUNDS easy enough, doesn't it? Just GET OVER IT and move on!!! Right? NOOO, I try but I can't. I'm like that little old lady who's fallen and can't get up but I don't have a bracelet that alerts the paramedics and I'm STUCK there just cursing like a sailor and wailing like a baby.

Mom's Favorite daughter called me today. She's called me before but I never called her back. She's now called me again and the guilt is kicking in. She sounds so loveable on the phone, told me she wanted to talk to me and she loved me ... But I know better. Yes, I know. That's just her bait. Be strong. She's a parana. A shark... Jaws! Stay away from the phone! Have another Smirnoff green apple. (Yum!)

I'll be okay. I'm going to be fine. If I say this enough maybe it will come true. Maybe someone will here me, see that I'm crazy and put me into the looney bin. That might be a good thing but my dogs would have to come with me. Okay, I'm going to get another green apple.

[Direction]

My mom leaves guilting messages of I don't hear from you?

I finally ,when she emailed me, emailed her back that those kind of messages just made me feel guilty.

I haven't been here that long, so I don't know much about your family ties. If you think they are toxic, then stick with that for now. If you want to have any contact, might be best to do it through email. Set up a separate account - if it gets to toxic then just elimate the email address. If they have your email address already - create a new one and autoforward from the old to the new. Eventually those you want to have your new address will have it and those you don't want won't.

Anyways I'm not sure that I'm touching on the issue your presented?

((((((((Direction)))))))))))
Thank you!

[bellaviolet]

jax i don't have a lot of words to offer but i understand wanting to be able to leave the past behind, and how hard it is... i hope you feel better soon...

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Jax ))))))))))))))))

Thank you Bellaviolet. (((((((Bella))))))))) It's very hard when it's your family. There are so many mixed emotions and obligational pulls.

[bellaviolet]

i understand that part too. at this point i'm only talking to one brother and am ignoring calls from my other brother and sister. they can't understand or support me so it doesn't do any good having them in my life right now. they only bring me down wanting to know why i don't snap out of it or get my s**t together. so i'm just trying not to talk to them till i'm in a better place. and trying to keep telling myself that that's ok. my siblings have done a lot for me financially over the years so the guilt is strong. but i can't let them drag me down emotionally anymore. and if your family is like that too i think it;s your right to not talk to them if you're not comfortable with it.

back to you.... ((((((((jax))))))))

Hi again Bella,
I have one cool brother too. (My only brother) But he can wear on my nerves.
In every family every person has a role they are supposed to play, when I'm not the scapegoat then I'm the nutcase. Sometimes I am both at the same time. There's more to it but you get the general idea. They'd never give me any kind of financial support without my having to pay it all back. It's hard to change your role without everyone getting all upset and trying to keep you in your place.

In your case, unfortunately, depression is something you have to go through to appreciate. They could try educating themselves on the subject. Fat chance? Yeah, that's how my family was, too. More hugs!!! ((((((((Bella))))))))
Hi Fuzzybear,
Thank you! ((((((((Fuzzybear))))))))))

[Christina86]

I'm disappointed with mine too... for the same reasons. Stay the heck away from the phone... family can push all our buttons and we haven't got any way to deal with them!

If someone thinks you should "just get over it"... they need their head examined. Life sucks, but nothing is ever that easy, to just get over junk. (Unfortunately )

You're not crazy, but your family is driving you there! (Mine too.)

(PS. I'm partial to the Raspberry myself... tasty!)

(((((((((((((((((((JAX))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[desperado]

Jax; hold onto your dogs; ignore your relative....................turn your back for the time being.......look after yourself.................

try to put the past in a "box" & throw it into the swamp. i KNOW; it is extremely difficult to do............i shouldn't talk...........

jaxx((((((((((((((((((loving hugs)))))))))))))))

so know how you feel about family. wish i could turn my back on them all. but people like us are the nice ones and feel too much guilt.

hang in there and pm me any time family issues are my forte lol

love ya, kerry

[bellaviolet]

jax, your family sounds so much like mine in so many ways, i can really relate to the scapegoat/nutcase thing. it seems like i'm the one they feel like they can preach to and whose problems make them feel a little better about themselves. and my cool brother is the same, he's supportive (though he still doesn't fully get it) but if we spend too much time together we really get on each others nerves.

and yeah, if i changed my role in the family i don't know what my siblings would do. probably drop dead of massive heart attacks.

(((((((jax)))))))

Hi everyone,
I really messed up. I called her. I'm actually thinking of going. She laid on that "Mom is turning 70, this could be her last birthday. She doesn't ask for anything, all she wants is for all her kids to be together...We have to put our differences aside and be there, just take shots..." I can't take shots, I have to drive home! "Then sleep over." Noooo, I don't want to sleep over. I want to go early in the morning. Give Mom a hug then "Oh, look at the time!!!" and leave.
I'm thinking to just go- it'll be the final goodbye sort of thing?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I'm soooo confused!!!!!!!!!

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))))))

That wasn't very nice of her. I've come across that kind of guilting - it sucks, because you're never sure what to do.

If you choose to go, it's got to be your decision, however hard it is for anyone else to undertand. Self-care first.

Be good to yourself.

Thanks Canders. No, it wasn't nice of her but that's the way she is.
I've broken out with a cold fever rash on the side of my lower lip. That usually only happens when I'm stressed out.

I just don't want to live with regret and guilt. You know? Either I can spend one day cringing and grinding my teeth with the family or I can spend many years in remorse and regret for not just going to see my mother on her 70th birthday gathering.
The choice is clear. I have to prove to myself that I can do this. I won't let them intimidate me. I won't let them make me be the scapegoat or the nutcase. I will stand up for myself and I will be civil and I will not allow them to control my emotions. I will maintain a positive focus. I'll bring my ipod and listen to yoga music and do breathing exercises. I will look at them and watch how they behave and UNDERSTAND how I've become who I am because of thier influences. Yes, I can use it like a safari expedition where you stay a safe distance away from the wild animals and just watch them roaming about and you study them and take notes.
I can do this. I will do this. I must do this. I'm not a chicken sheet, I will not run away from them and hide like some smuck.
I will not make myself live in remorse and regret on their behalf. I have to bite the bullet and go.

((((((((Canders)))))))))

jax, pm me.......xoxoxo pat

[Direction]

My ex's family usually turned her inside out - very toxic for her. If you feel you have the strength and YOU want to do it - give it a try.

I would think about what your expectations may be of the visit - how to prepare and react to the "usual" scenarios that occur.

Last visit to my ex's family was for Christmas - I begged her for us not to go. She felt really strong about it. I promised I would not ask for us to leave early and I would be on my best behavior.

Christmas morning her brother pulled a particular stunt that was usual for his character. She asked to leave immediately.

Even when I hugged her mom goodbye and said I'm sad that we have to leave under these circumstances and that I'm sure if there was an apology from her brother maybe it won't be necessary to leave.

She simply said, "I don't want to make him angry."

I'm shaking my head as I recount this. That was the last Christmas with her family.

I personnally had my dad die in 2005 - never was close - I had little feeling for his death. If we had been close, I probably would have been pretty torn up.

I guess simply said - if you are going to do it - just prepare yourself mentally and pack light.

[bellaviolet]

good luck jax.... i understand where you're coming from, the guilt tripping is a dirty trick and its not fair. try to stay strong....

((((((((jax))))))))

((((((((((Bellaviolet,Direction,Fay,Canders,Jinnyann,Fuzzy, Desperado)))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your support.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Jax ))))))))))))

Thinking I "owe" you a few hugs..........
Thanks for all your support recently!!

[lenjan]

((((((Jax)))))))) You're my hero. I have a toxic family too and I deal with them a lot worse than you're managing. Just do what is best for you, OK?

Love, Candy