[madmusican]

I am so alone and i dont know where to go.

There is no-one I can talk to who doesnt think I am silly or stupid for feeling the way I do. I cant keep this act up any longer. Trying to put on the "happy face" when I am around other people because they cant handle me as I am.

I sometimes know what I feel about the way people are around me is irrational,but I cant stop myself thinking like it. I just wish for one day i could go back to being me, without all of the rubbish that is going on in my head.

I dont know if my AD's have had enough time to kick in, and my anti-psychotics, although they seemed to be working for the first week seem to be having little or no effect now

I need to release these feelings inside and my self-harming has really escalated over the last week or so. I am harming twice or more during the day, just to get through. I dont think I can handle this much longer.

Have phoned for an appt with my doc this morning but there is no guarantee I will see him. I was on the phone for over half an hour waiting to get through. I just know I wont be able to tell another doc exactly how i feel. I am scared by the way I am feeling and I only feel comfortable talking to my doc about it. I need more meds as I am suppsed to go on holiday on friday but know if i get to many then I am likely to OD. My doc will not trust me but will arrange for me to have enough pills to go on holiday with and I am worried that if i see another doc then they will give me enough pills to OD on

I dont know what to do anymore

[drunksunflower]

Is there anything any of us can do in the meantime? PM if you need to.

((((madmusician))))

everyday i pull the im ok nothing wrong with me face too
it hurts
it makes me sick
we do it to survive in this world
we do it not to hurt others
we do it for what ever reasons we have
im sorry for ur pain
know that u are not alone
that we here understand ur pain
hoping u got to see ur doc..
hopin u get to enjoy ur holiday..

[DePressMe]

I want to reply...but I am unsure what to say. I have been where you are at, so at least know you are not alone. No matter what it takes you need to talk with your doc. If you do have to talk with another doc please tell them you are a risk for OD--you got to be honest about it. Do you have a therapist to talk with? Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. If you have one specific thing you self harm with--get rid of it. I feel for you and wish I could help.

[madmusican]

got to see my doc, he gave me enough pills to see me through, but not enough for an OD so i suppose it is a good thing

[bipolar_bear]

I am so glad you went to see your doc. And that he was wise in how many meds he gave you. I hope you start to feel better. Take care.

[Direction]

I'm glad you were able to see your doctor.

Masquerade - it is tough...

I'm a big fan of most of Andrew Lloyd Webbers musicals. Phantom has a song that I've always identified with...Here are some of the lyrics - I put it hear not to pull everyone down, but to feel...feel the music and the parallel with my own life and maybe others? Comment in parenthesis are my interpretation...

Masquarade

Maquerade! Paper faces on parade
Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you (thin, fragile, the illusion we hide behind)
Masquerade! Every face a different shade
Masquerade! Look around, there's another mask behind you.

Flash of mauve
Splash of puce
Fool and king
Ghoul and goose
Green and black
Queen and priest
Trace of rouge
Face of beast
Faces!
Take your turn, take a ride
On the merry-go-round
in an inhuman race
Eye of gold
Thigh of blue
True is false
Who is who?
Curl of lip
Swirl of gown
Ace of hearts
Face of clown
Faces! Drink it in, drink it up
Till you've drowned
In the light
In the sound
But who can name the face?

Masquerade! Grinning yellows, spinning reds
Masquerade! Take your fill, let the spectacle astound you
Masquerade! Burning glances, turning heads
Masquerade! Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you
Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies
Masquerade! You can fool any friend who ever knew you
Masquerade! Leering satyrs, peering eyes
Masquerade! Run and hide, but a face will still pursue you.

at the end of the musical:

Masquerade . . .
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade . . .
Hide your face
so the world will
never find you . . .

i feel so alone too.

sorry. wish i could cheer you up

jin xoxoxo

i'm really glad that you got to see the doctor and got the adequate amount of pills........xoxoxo pat

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( madmusician ))))))))))))))

[MamazAngel]

(((((((((((((((( Madmusician )))))))))))))))))))

[madmusican]

holiday was tough, too tough, now just want to give in, cant see the point anymore

so tough and so alone. my own stupid fault for allowing someone in again. better to be alone than to keep getting hurt

i want to cry, but have no tears

i am so alone, but i think it will be better in the long run, at least i cant get hurt again

[dcs_no1_fan]

Im sorry that I cant help you atm I just wanted to say that your not alone i feel the same as well atm hope things get better for you soon

Take Care

[Christina86]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
madmusican said:

so tough and so alone. my own stupid fault for allowing someone in again. better to be alone than to keep getting hurt

i am so alone, but i think it will be better in the long run, at least i cant get hurt again

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

((((((((madmusician))))))))))))) I could have written your post at any one time up until about this week. It's not a nice place to be. I especially relate to what you said up there ^ about it being better to be alone then to keep getting hurt. That's my thought as well, something that I bring into all my relationships with people. If I think they're going to leave, force them to leave myself or hurt them before they hurt me. (not saying you do that, but this is what I do)

Don't give up. I know it's hard and it hurts to be alone and it hurts when someone leaves or hurts us, but its going to hurt more if you decide to be alone forever.

I don't really have any advice, but I hope you're able to cry soon - I know that can help, I hope you're feeling even a bit better soon as well.

Please take care of yourself, you really are important.

[madmusican]

still no tears

i want this pain to come out but cant cry, so crimson tears flow again tonight.

i know i cant go on like this but i feel so lost

really struggling tonight

[madmusican]

why do i complain and ***** and moan about being alone. I know it is better in the long run, then I cant get hurt again.

I feel empty inside, hollow, like there is nothing I can give anyone anymore.

I want to cry but I cant find the tears
I want to scream but I cant find my voice
I want to end it but I cant find the guts to do it

[sickntired]

madmusician,please do hang in there,I do understand how you feel,but tomorrow is another day and you might just feel a tiny bit better.I know that empty feeling well,so I do know how hard it is to pull yourself out of the hole youre feeling like youre in.Please know that i am thinking of you along with many others here.You are cared about and you will get out of that place.

[Christina86]

(((((((((madmusician)))))))))))))

You're in a tough spot at the moment (what an understatement) and I know you feel like it's better to be alone ... it isn't, not really. It hurts when others hurt us, but at the same time I'm sure you'll find someone (a friend) who won't. Or at least we (at PC) won't.

Is there anyone IRL you can talk to? It sounds like you're dealing with too much by yourself.

[madmusican]

i cant do this anymore

it is my birthday today (tho i think this site is american so its not my birthday til tomo lol) and i am sat here crying crimson tears again. Have lost count of how much i have harmed tonight

i just cant take this feeling of loneliness anymore, but i dont want to trust anyone enough to let them in, because it is inevitable that they will hurt me if i let them get close to me. I am in a catch 22 situation and i can only see one way out

[Christina86]

(((((((((((madmusician)))))))))))))) I know it's hard, but I really think you need to reach out. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. If you need medical attention, PLEASE get it.

It isn't inevitable people will hurt you, because not everyone will. It just seems we attract some really bad people sometimes.

Please be safe and take care of yourself. Please take at the list of the alternate ways to cope with SI in that forum. Try any one of those strategies, they might be able to help.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((madmusician)))))))))))))))))))))))) I hope you find someone you can talk to . Do you have a t? Sometimes that is a good place to learn trust. It is hard if there is a history of bad relationships. I am sorry you are hurting so much. Please feel free to PM me if you want.

I know SI is such an alluring coping mechanism and when things get so overwhelming the only one that seems available. Please look in the self injury forum and at the top are some suggestions instead of hurting yourself. I know how hard it is. Please take care and try and stay safe. I am here and I care.

[recluse1]

remember one thing...depression is anger turned inward. be who you are even if it makes others uncomfortable. You have to be your priority. It may wake the people around you up so they can see the real situation you are in and push them to be more supportive and help you thru this time.

[shortcake]

good for you that you saw the doc and got the meds. my thoughts are with you on this journey. i too put on the happy face everyday for the outside world because if they saw the real me they would turn and run quickly. my own family, well , my children anyway realize that i am "sick" i don't hide things from them. never have never will. they do the best they can to help me if i need it. my daughter never stops trying to make me laugh. my son calls me every day to talk so that i don't cry as much because i miss him so. if i could find someone to listen my load would be a lot lighter . i just keep running away from all the things that try to drag me under. i'm not suicidal never have been. not afraid to die either. i don't believe in self-inflicting pain. i cry a LOT on a daily basis. what does that do ? just seems to be making me worse. but anyway, you are in a world full of people who are alone. we just have to help each other. that's one way of conquering the issue.

[recluse1]

so sorry that you are having such a miserable time. Have you tried therapy? it may sound scary but it can help to have someone that it detatched from you that has an objective point of view and no personal ties to talk to and not worry about being judged. their job is to listen and try and help you deal and understand yourself. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find relief soon.

[madmusican]

just feel so lonely I dont blame people for not wanting to spend time with me tho. I mean, who would want to spend time with a depressed suicidal idiot???

Seen my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) today and told her about my suicidal feelings. She said she would phone me tomo to check on me, and that she would try to speak to my doc about upping the dosage of my meds.

just wish I didnt feel so empty and alone