i hurt

my heart hurts. my head hurts. my cuts from saturday hurt. i hate the weekends because i am always alone and i hate being alone with myself. so i drink and i cut because it takes me away from myself. then i hate myself for the drinking and the cutting. but then i do it all over again anyway because i don't know any other way anymore.

i had a horrible anxiety attack on saturday. i went to the grocery store to get food but there were so many people in there and they were all smiling and talking to each other, and they all looked so healthy and happy, and suddenly i felt like everything was closing in on me and i couldn't breathe. and i just had to get out of there.

god i just want this to end. it's too exhausting. i couldn't even get online over the weekend to see if anyone was here because my home computer died last month. that really sucks because the weekends are the worst for me. i just wish i could stand myself enough to be alone with myself and be ok with it.

{{{{{bellaviolet}}}}}}

((((((((((((( bellaviolet ))))))))))))))

Bella Violet,

I hope you find a path out of this self-destructive cycle.

Hugs,

EJ

Bellaviolet.... I know what it feels to not be able to go in to a crowd or like the grocery store....

I am sorry for your SI. What are you doing to help you? Do you have a T?

thanks for the hugs everyone. i needed them. secretgarden, i don't have a t right now, am planning to call the mental health center when i get home from work today, they offer therapy/meds at sliding scale, but i'm really scared. i've been living this way for so long that the idea of change is really frightening. like what if i can't do it? but i don't want to live the rest of my life this way. its been too long already. i told my brother i was going to the mhc, he is supportive but he doesn't know about the si. i just can't tell him. there's no one i feel comfortable talking about it to. i've only ever told one person (other brother) and he had almost no reaction. i'm scared to even open up to a t about it. i guess i'll have to if things are going to change though.

that anxiety attack was horrible. i'm usually ok in public but i just couldnt handle it this time. i couldn't wait to get home.

Time to reach out for help. You can do it. It is a worthwhile journey as your life unfolds. Keep us posted.

thank you secretgarden. unfortunately i chickened out on the mhc. i started to feel panicky when i picked up the phone to call. i hate that i am so weak and so afraid to change my life even though its miserable right now. i need to try again, and try to remember how tired i am of the way things are. i just wish i knew why i'm so afraid of change when i know in the end things will be better.

Being alone sucks - usually the time I smoke, drink or si...

It's not too late to pick up the phone again...

Sending you strength and peace of mind your way!

thanks direction. strength and peace of mind are hard for me to find a lot of the time. i spend way too much time alone and its the ultimate trigger especially for the si.

hopefully i can gather my courage in the next few days to try the mhc again. i need to get over my fear of change, i think once i actually make the call i will feel better. just need to work up the guts somehow.

Bellaviolet, I'm sorry you're going through this. Anxiety attacks are the worst.
You can't get to a computer on the weekends either so you have no rope to hold onto until the weekend passes.
I'm sorry you're SI-ing. (((((((Bellaviolet)))))))))) I hope you find another way of relieving your fear and pain. I use to SI a very long time ago and I look at the scars and I regret desecrating my body like that but at the time, it just didn't matter. I know, I understand. But please don't SI after you've been drinking, PLEEEEAAASE!!!!! It's so dangerous. Promise me that?
I wish there was someway we could find you a way to get through the weekend. Hmmmmm... If you could get access to the internet then you'd have us but that's not going to happen, now is it? There's gotta be someplace that gives away old computer to people who can't afford new ones. Don't you think?
Can you write in a journal your feelings? Can you get a pet? Even if it's a hamster? Something to shower your love on? My puppies help me out a lot when I'm feeling really down. How about a puzzle workbook? I have a bunch of pennypress puzzle books and they have all kinds of puzzles and games on it. It keeps my mind occupied for blocks of time. It could work as a nice distraction? Could you at least try it? They sell them at drug stores.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. I hope you find some relief soon or at least a new computer.

((((((((((((bellaviolet))))))))))))))

thanks for the suggestions jax... i do have pets, i have a bunny who is very sweet plus other little ones, but lately with this funk i've been in i haven't been spending enough time with any of them, even though i love them all. i'm just so damn tired all the time, i never seem to have any energy at all. it does help just to have them there and to know they love me unconditionally. when i get home at night my bunny is always waiting for me with his paws up on the bars wanting mushes. its nice that my little guys are always so happy to see me. i just wish i had more energy.

i've been trying really hard not to si. i haven't since saturday, the longest i've gone in awhile, though the temptation is almost always there. trying really hard to control it. i do write stuff down in a notebook, sometimes it does help just to get it out. sometimes though it seems to make things worse, brings everything to the surface you know? i probably should try the puzzle thing, i used to do crosswords all the time and i loved them. but i really wish my computer at home still worked. there are places here where you can get a used computer but they are still expensive.

thank you again jax, and canders too, for the support and the hugs. i've already said it a bunch of times but i have to say again that i am really glad i found this place.

(((((((jax)))))))
(((((((canders)))))))

((((((((bellaviolet))))))))

you have a lot going for you, namely:

a) you are AWARE of your self-destructive bhvr

b) you can identify your hurt feelings

-- and --

c) i think you know how to get help; (however scary it is)

bv; we can't all bat 1000 everyday. i'm not trying to invalidate your feelings................what i'm trying to convey to you is that ppl are not always happy & smiling on the insides (as i'm sure you know).......................some are just "better" actresses & actors, i suppose................know what i mean?

comfort to you & all others who can relate.

des

thanks des - back at you
(((((((des)))))))

i do know that no one is happy all the time, i know its an illusion of my own mind. it's just a hard thought to shake for me when i see people who seem to be comfortable with themselves because i am so not that way but so want to be. does that make sense? i'm so lacking in self confidence that i tend to see anyone who seems to have any as having a charmed life. stupid i guess but there it is.

thanks for reminding me of what i do have going for me though. the positive tends to get lost for me a lot of the time so its good to be reminded once in a while.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. You should not feel guilty about cutting or any other SIV; that is how you are surviving. It may not be 'pretty', but it is better than the alternative. Most people do not understand SIV and are repulsed and disgusted at the mere mention of it, so I would wait until your 'self' is stronger before sharing it with non-medical folk. Do you know why you cut?

It was 13 years before I heard the term SIV and was finally able to understand why I had 'cut' and beat myself back in the early 80's. It took another 10 before I admitted it to anyone. The shame is that great.

Please seek help from a medical professional. Prozac honestly saved my life and with new options available everyday, one of them should help you.

I know change is scary because you have gottern so good at coping and surviving while loathing yourself, but accepting yourself is the easiest and only way to really live. You are not alone. And the world needs you!

Are you located in a city large enough that the public libraries have internet computers - I know that means leaving the house - just trying to brainstorm ways to get you connected.

I saw some one mention the journal - you could journal your thoughts and then when you do get on line - use it to post.

I don't have internet at home and sometimes come to my office on the weekends just to get on.

I feel for you - i'm going to DC on Saturday - Thursday and really won't have the ability to be on line. I'm concerned...Sometimes the conferences have computers set up - not sure I'm ready to be typing away while someone is waiting for me to be done.

Praying for a way for you to get online...

you're welcome, bellavi.

i can totally understand where you're coming from, I think....no worries......we all need to be reminded sometimes.....grass does pretty much very often seem greener, doesn't it?

count your own personal blessings; that helps me.

((((((((bv))))))))

munchie, i definitely have no intention of telling anyone in my life about the si at this point. theres not much point, they'd either be horrified or terribly worried and what good would that do anyone? still haven't cut since last saturday though. trying!! i'm feeling ok today. not superduper fantastic but ok. but i'm afraid of tomorrow. friday comes again.

thanks direction.... local library here does have internet but it is also packed with college students at all times and the wait for the computer can be endless. plus i'm not always the best with big crowds lately. i do tend to write a lot of stuff down so i guess i could try that. i just never know whether it's going to be cathartic or triggering. its a crapshoot. thank you for the suggestions and the prayers..... and i wish you luck in dc too.

des... oh yes, that grass does seem a hell of a lot greener an awful lot of the time. you guys here are one of my blessings right now and i'm thankful. sending hugs to all...

You know meds and therapy saved my life? It isn't perfect, not close, but I'm making slow progress forward instead of being stuck in the pain. I cannot fully explain how frightening it is to realize two weeks into meds how different life looks and the ONLY thing that has changed is the addition of one little white pill.

I know what it is like to substitute one kind of pain for another, to disassociate from life some, or enough to survive. I also know what it is like when that no longer works. I'm serious, the pain got so bad that no amount of physical pain could take the pain away anymore and I was getting ready for something else. Thankfully my sister sat me down and said; "Look, before you do this, just give me one month okay?" She saved my life that girl did.

She suggested I try meds, to the point where she "lost" hers, had her pharmacy replace them and gave them to me. Two weeks later I couldn't believe the difference.

I KNOW how hard it is to get help, to go, to open up. Took me MOST of my life. My sister had been trying to get me to seek help and meds for 15 years. I should have listened all those years ago. I guess my point is this.

Therapists and PDocs are there to help, and will not hurt you. There are some good people out there. Worse case, if you are in or near Denver, go into Denver Health, it's a great Hospital, and get a referral.

I still have problems, and still periodically freak out if there are too many people around or any number of other things. But I have hope, and help, and I'm making small steps forward. Life is still dark, hard and painful, but I'm not so alone, and I don't SI anymore.

((((((((bellaviolet))))))))