[ToeJam]

My mind is blank
yet I should feel
should see emotion
in your face

I find it hard
I read your eyes
your mouth
the twitches that you make

looking for cues
patterns I can discern
I've 'learnt'
I do not 'see'

Sorry for starting it off that way, felt like the only way I could. Tried going into chat earlier this evening but was kind of pointless... and that is no reflection on those who were present. I guess I come across as one of the 'stronger' ones... so when plight hits me its not significant or I'm not expressive enough... or just that the mood of the room at that time was not in the right place for one who was in need.

Not meaning that in a negative way... 'it is what it is' as my T would say

I upset my wife as I was trying to write this... when distracted I react badly (not physically nor verbally... just my presence I guess), and she went up to bed while inside I feel like I'm dying that little bit more.

Have had both my T and group T worried this week which in turn has not bolstered my confidence... seem concerned I'm going to spiral depending on how Monday goes (aspergers assessment).

Meh, I dunno.

[waterknob1234]

Hugs and love to you ToeJam. You are a good person. I understand your pain.

[floridaman38]

I wish I could give you the exact answer that would help. I too cause suffering with my wife and son by my presence. I act foolishly and speak foolishly. I go to my T and I clam up on what I want to talk about. I write poems and thoughts out. I tried chat too but they seem to go so fast and have already got someone that they are trying to help. I can't help much when I am suffering as well. I gave up on that along time ago. I've noticed that it is the same people every day and night talking about their problems. I listen to music that calms me. I understand about the family suffering. I hope that you can find peace on this and know that they know you love them. I believe that you do because you mentioned them in your post. I know your are strong because you are here seeking help. You are posting personal thoughts through words. You believe that there is hope and there is. But mainly for those who seek help. You are doing this. Thanks for posting and trusting. I hope you begin to feel better.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, I'm sorry you're struggling
I've got to say real kudos for trying to reach out though, I know it's not always easy to do
And yes, its got to be hard having other people upset or worried (although completely natural that they may be at times if they care), kind of pushes the attention to their feelings when it's hard enough trying to manage your own, right?? Makes you feel more alone, and maybe more helpless if they're seeing it as upsetting/worrying.
But you know TJ, it's not just "coming across as" you do have a really strong streak there. Maybe you're not feeling that right now, but it can be OK to feel "weaker" at times, particularly as you're still reaching out. I know it isn't easy for you
And nevermind the "should"s, the things you can't do, a little less pressure on yourself, hey??
Depression can so easily take some of those things away from you, so it can be more about trying to find something (however small!!) that you can feel/see. And trying to find some comfort, distraction, support...........whatever/wherever in helping you through.
And if it may help to talk/get those feelings out, then try not to worry/concern yourself as much about what other people might think, try not to be self-conscious. And if right now your wife or........aren't people you can turn to then someone who is, even us!!!
Because you know your wife will be there for you if not right now, and you know that strong streak of yours will show itself again too.
And the assessment..........well that should be a tool in helping you get more of the support you need, so maybe a good thing it's coming up???

Alison

[ToeJam]

Thanks.

Didn't mention this in the OP as... well, it didn't seem like the right moment... and even now, not sure... but it has relevance.

During the middle of typing the OP I caved, grabbed my coat, something not sensible and walked out.... went to the nearest 'big' park and sat by a gazebo... was really unsure of intent or thoughts at the time... was mulling on over calling the crisis team... but my wife called and chatted to me.

Been a while since things have got that bad... and even now I still feel kind of blank... but that moment of human contact even over the phone helped a lot. She just kept talking and I decided to make my way back.

Was odd how my thoughts and focus can shift. I live in Leicester which (for any that have any interest in current news outside of the US) is where King Richard the 3rd is to be dug up and then re-buried again on Sunday... was passing a school that the Jubilee will be driving by and saw tons of paper roses the children had decorated. Was very pretty and reminded me of a conversation I had with a mate of mine last week who was encouraging me to read up on the 'war of the roses'... as he put it 'like game of thrones... but it actually happened (minus dragons, wraiths or a dwarf called Tyrion)'.

Sorry for the tangent... but as said, my brain just drastically shifts all over the place.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, I know things are really hard
But even now I'm still seeing that spark in you........you mulled over talking to the crisis team, you answered your wife when she called, you kept that contact going, you headed back!!! Just try to keep that sort of contact going, hey??
And if you need to call the crisis team...........please do, they have helped in the past, right??
Whatever safe is going to/might help, OK??
Alison

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

During the middle of typing the OP I caved, grabbed my coat, something not sensible and walked out.... went to the nearest 'big' park and sat by a gazebo...

You are doing this in the middle of the night where you live, yes? Depending on the conditions in your area, a nighttime stroll and sit is not automatically inadvisable. The stars and sounds of the night can be calming for some.

They also can sharpen the sense of aloneness.

May "learning" eventually become "seeing".

Best wishes to you, ToeJam, on navigating these rough times. May the assessment be much less stressful than perhaps feared.

And best wishes to Richard on his reburial; I hope it pleases him. <Insert here a cheap, half-humourous comment about a horse>

[floridaman38]

Do not give another thought about it just know that no matter what or where or when you can always count on someone here to be readily available to chat or message or something. You are not alone. I too have caved. It seems like the more you try to remove the emotion the more it festers and then I explode. Just take one day at a time. Just ONE day. Don't let the past affect the future. Your future begins right now today. Start out on a good note. Be well and I hope that you find strength.

[cakeladie]

Take one day at a time and if that doesn't work take one hour at a time.
You are doing all the right things. You answered your wife's call and you thought about calling the crisis team. You took a walk. Look at the stars and the moon they can be very calming.

Take care and I will add you to my prayers

[ToeJam]

Thanks for the messages.

Slept for almost 14 hours after just general exhaustion I guess... some rather unpleasant nightmares, including one of being imprisoned in china for 4 months for a crime I didn't commit :/ (never actually happened... just dreamt it... did live there for a long spell though).

Not exactly been up or down today... just neutral empty again which I can handle.

33 hours till appt.

[bluekoi]

ToeJam Stay strong.

[Fuzzybear]

TJ

Toejam, you are a lovely and valuable member of Psych Central. i for one am so glad to have you here. please take care.

btw i live in the UK too and know Leicester ^_^

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, well at least you got some sleep.........sounds like you needed it
And sounds like you're doing a bit better today???
Roll on the appointment, perhaps try to see it as a plus (if you aren't already!!!)??
Don't forget we're here for you though
Alison

[bhrtbhrdwaj]

sometimes it's better to be alone rather not having an identical you beside .......
Feeling.ALONE

Hope the assessment goes ok today. Thinking of you!

[ToeJam]

Exhausted and frustrated.

Consultant thinks there could be a combination of Aspergers and adhd... But due to it being the NHS my next appointment with him is most likely to be in the next calendar year... He will be referring me for adhd assessment too... But again, massive waiting times.

This just feels like a never ending process and I honestly don't know if I have the energy or will to hold on anymore.

[ToeJam]

Group therapy councillor called me for a check up on how the apt went, of which I told him. Has asked me to try and put things out of my mind as best I can till Thursday and he opened a slot for a one on one appointment in the afternoon.

Not long after, wife came home and gave me the broader picture of what had happened (she had to shoot off for work straight after the appointment) as both my mum and her saw the consultant with me absent from the room... in addition to that she told me that my recollection (as is apparently often the case when on edge) was fragmented... that the reason for the delay was going to be because of the ADHD assessment as an overall view would be hard to analyse without the full picture.

Both wife and group therapist told me that I wouldn't have been advised I'd get a second appointment if the consultant didn't think there was some validity here... but that I have to be patient as the Mental health services in the nhs are underfunded and specialists are swamped.

Not sure how I feel at the moment... typing this as a series of events... but as said... I feel burnt out and running on fumes... I just want to move on with some definitive answers.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ
Well you made it through the appointment
That's one appointment out of the way!!! And it sounds like they're taking your problems seriously, so that's something at least.
And you have got a "maybe"..........so even if it turns out otherwise, it might help you regardless to try/use some of the things that would go along with if..........perhaps routines, perhaps structures, perhaps briefing people on your preferred communication, perhaps different activities, perhaps trying to avoid going into some situations which could overload you..........you know things like that.
So any dx can wait for now anyway, hey??
Let's work from the "here and now"???
Perhaps one of the things you can do in your one to one would be to go through some of your triggers (although I know it's not all about triggers!!) and find practical ways to work around or avoid them?? Other people e.g. your wife should be supportive in helping you manage them a bit better with a bit of a "plan" as well, right???
And you're going to have plenty to throw in with some of the coping strategies you've used as well, aren't you??
So...........just a thought..........
And try not to worry too much about things until Thursday, right??!!!
But if you do.........well you know we're here for you!!!
Alison

that sounds exhausting. i understand you wanting a definite answer.

[ToeJam]

My CPN has referred me to the crisis team (gate keepers for hospitalization). Hopefully nothing will come of it... but I agreed to it for the sake of the wife since I am just wobbly and numb right now.

[Rohag]

In general, without reference to you, does the crisis team tend to set a higher or lower threshold for hospitalisation?

Best wishes for a stabilised mood and a content wife.

i'm glad you've been referred to the crisis team. stay safe and keep us updated

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( TJ )))))))