Deeling with my mental breakdown

Hi to all of you. I wanted to say that I'm not passing in the best moment of my life. I was humilliated as a child, I was constantly beaten, my father never cared about me, and I had really few people that I could say really cared about me. I suffered from deep depresion in the most part of my life. I was alone a long part of my life. I didn't have an amazing life. I have realised that I have been desperately searching for love. I had let a lot of people to treat me bad. I wad desperate. I just wanted to find someone to love me. But now after all this time I have gotten into a moment in my life in which I feel deeply destroyed inside. I don't want to feel love or have any good feeling at all. I know sadness, guilty, and other feelings, and eventhough I don't want to feel them, thats the only thing that I have ever felt. I feel misereable and I feel lost. Sometimes I want someone to hug me and I don't have anyone to do that. I'm about to be 28 in a couple of days, and I think i don't deserve anything. I don't know what to do. I think I lost myself. The ones that really loves me have told me that I should relax and just have faith, but I also lost my faith. I think that for the first moment in my life, I cannot stand up for myself, and I don't know how to ask for help. And I don't if I could take some help if somebody offers it. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't know if I wrote this fine. Sorry if I didn't.

Hi mewtwojunior,
I am sorry you are going through all this pain. But you deserve to be better. I have found support here. Hope you keep posting

Hello mewtwojunior: I'm sorry to read of your struggle. I do have some sense of what you are going through, having been filled with sadness, guilt, & other similar feelings myself, over the years. You mentioned you have lost your faith. I also have no faith. (I never had any to lose...) Personally, where I have come to, is to simply live in the moment. In the present moment there is no sadness, no guilt, & actually not even any joy in particular. There is only the present moment... For me, at this late stage in my life, that is enough. Along with this, I have come to realize that I don't have to "be" anyone or anything in particular. It is just perfectly fine to be who I am, just as I am. From my aging perspective, you are still very young. I hope that, in some way or other, you will be able to find a place of deep peace within...

I am a little bit farther down the road now , but the same feelings . Time helps . get some good meds to help you It will calm you down until your mind heals some . Wow to be 28 and have the world of time in front of you .
I know you can't see it now but things will change you will get better . Lean on your friends and talk it out . Go day by day don't think about anything way out there as you will not see it clear now . Time will help a lot . Take care

Thanks for the words, I will do that. I’ll keep posting thanks.

Thanks for the comprehension. I have reached a point were I think that life has been playing with me all the time. I feel like I have been chasing a rabbit trail, and every time I got near to what I think is the end of my quest, it’s like the world tells me that everything is an illusion. I feel empty, and what is worst, I don’t feel like I’m strong enough any more. I realize I have been humiliating myself constantly, in order to find what I call love. I realize I’ve accepted that people should treat me like I’m the worst human being on earth, because I’ve grown up receiving that like a form of love. People don’t understand what I’m dealing with; they think that I’m cynic, because I try to hide pain hiding myself, running away sometimes. I never had someone or somewhere to hide myself, so the only way I know to protect myself, is to escape and hide where no one could see me. But know I’m tired, I could write a book with just a bunch of names of all the people that have pass in my life, in order to understand that it is time to stop. I didn’t find anything, that’s a fact. But now it doesn’t feel right anymore. I cannot hurt myself anymore. I cannot continue with this on and off anymore. I want something real. But I don’t know where to find it. When I’m outside I see the others people, and I sense they are happy, doesn’t matter how rich or poor they are, they have nothing to worry about. I want that. My view of life is different from them, but I’ve been wondering how I would be if I had only a bit of what they have. Gain attention became part of my life just to feel needed. Now I’m scared if what I want suddenly appears, how should I act, and could I handle it without losing it? It’s a mess right now inside my head. I don’t want special treatment because of my life; I want the same thing that I see when I walk on the streets. I want to be normal, and have a real thing.

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I search on the internet, to find if there is people like me. I found an interesting story. This guy was treated bad all his life, and was rejected every time. He wrote that he was reached by an amazing person; he said that she not only was beautiful but she understood him. She didn’t need a playful person, she took him not because of how he look, but because what she couldn’t see. She just gave love and didn’t ask for anything, and helped him. The interesting part is that even when she saw what was inside of him, she didn’t reject him, she accept it. Maybe she treat him good because she was terminal, my head can’t think a good reason. Maybe I’m cynic, I don’t know. But I want that, yes she died, but even with her disease, she managed to take someone completely destroyed inside, and save him. And the best part is that she didn’t ask something in return. She saw more, gave him love, accepted him with all his pain, and didn’t ask for anything from him. Obviously he did the best he could to be perfect for her. He found what I’ve been looking for all my life. Maybe it was a made out story, I don’t know, but good lord that would be amazing, and it’s amazing just to think about it. Things like this keep me fighting, is like someone is telling me that I shouldn’t surrender, that I will find what I need. I hope it is.

Thanks I'm doing that. I have a friend who had a similar life. She is in a better position right now and is giving me some advice. You are right I should see that I still have a lot to see. I will do my best to recover myself. Thanks again.

I want to stop feeling miserable. All my life I have being living scared of everything. I feel like I'm a rollercoaster, Up and down everytime. Why I cannot make myself happy, why I cannot save myself? Everything that I see are mistakes. How to stop feeling guilty, How to find the right way? I'm tired of drowning myself into tears everytime, and I'm tired of remembering about my past everytime. I cannot make others happy. I wish I could. I don't want this anymore but I cannot escape from myself, althouth I wish I could.

This is good! You do not want to be in this way anymore. You feel you need to do something. It is important you feel you can do something about it. Beware depression is tricky and makes us think we are powerless and we cannot control anything. And in this way, depression pushes towards death. That is way is so important to discover there is some power in you and you can do stuff to change your life. We are here to support each other. I am a grown up individual and sometimes I feel powerless because of depression. I come here often and find strength from our peers. Recovery is not a straight path, we have some high moments then we have low moments, as well. But we keep going

Thanks, yes I have been experiencing some ups and downs. I hope I could change my feeling as fast as possible. Thanks again