Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

A friend just dropped me. He has been hitting on me for a long time even though I told him I am only offering friendship. I told him he had been hurting my feelings by not stopping trying to make us more. It was good to speak up about how he hurt me. I used to go straight to being pissed off. Making new friends is tricky though, I am not good at letting people get close to me.

I meet with the RE Agent this morning. Our time together went very well. I feel like I want to sell my place and the Agent was very encouraging to me that I could get a buyer. But I'm afraid of renting after that; and the rents are very high. Maybe I could find a good deal somewhere, but that's very hard at where I am.

My best and only friend has been pressuring me to stay at where I am. He can't seem to come up with a very good reason why I should stay. It makes sense for me financially to stay where I am; but I feel like I can't stand my place. It's very isolating and the neighbors are not friendly. Plus I don't have much money in my savings now. Since I live in a condo, one little disaster and/or some unreasonable demand from the HOA can suddenly wipe me out financially. I've already been wiped out with the medical bills from last year.

Sometimes I feel like, hey!, it's not so bad here. I am recovering a little bit financially and it's not so noisy now. As far as the noise is concerned, it's because it's winter and not much is going on. When it gets to be April, then the noise will increase greatly and the people will start acting bad in the pool area.

I've been so depressed thinking and mulling over this. I wish that I had more than just my friend to talk over about this possible move. Sorry that this is so long.

relationships are difficult, that's all. I'm not in love lol. That's what I'd like to think right now. Why does it make me feel bad at the same time as it feels good. I guess I think I don't do things right. I have to be okay with myself at some point. I thought I was. I'm not depressed, just needy or something. I want to ignore everything else and have some fun. But I still don't feel like I am having any.

It's true that rents are getting higher these days. And every year you'd have to be ready for the rent to increase. That's what has always happened to me. Plus, you don't know what kind of noise or issues you'll have around you. Those are some of the problems with renting. The neighbors can change and there may be very little stability. You might move where everything seems great only a month or two later down the line get new, bad neighbors who can disrupt or ruin your life. Those are some of the problems with renting.

I know those are problems with a condo too, but when you own I think there is more chance people try to get along. I wish you luck.

Four days...It looks like my daydreams are really gone and I can't access that "world" anymore, but at the same time, it's nice to not be distracted for hours at a time. Schoolwork takes less time to finish, and more time can be devoted to my hobbies (especially the ones that can be linked to whatever job I may end up getting). Maybe it's not so bad not looking for an escape anymore.

I'm ridiculously hypersensitive today. I was up at 4am having an ethical/moral crisis, harsh and judgy people apparently terrify me today, I was imagination-screaming a few hours ago in this really frantic internal state, I kind of want to cry for no reason but can't make it happen...

Feel broken, pretty much.

I'm feeling rather down this morning. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and get it out but the tears won't come. The only time I can cry is if I think of my dearly departed mother. Nothing else gets through the wall that I've put up.

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Having a meltdown.

third try trying to do this hope it works. feels like im just existing. when i'm out i want to be home. when i'm home i get restless. tried to play in the snow with the kids but just felt cold. just existing to take care of them. and i love taking care of them. but i don't really feel that good at it even.

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I don't see any way for this situation I'm in to change. I'm just going to be tortured the rest of my life here.

So, what I need to do is start looking and calling around tomorrow. Find out what I can. I really have to get away from this place before I completely lose my mind. They are making up now for quieter moments earlier today. I can't stand it. Literally.

An alright kind of day. Went to church and then did my laundry. Doing the laundry went smoothly this time which was nice. I had my friend come over with me and we spent a couple of hours together. It was nice being with him; but he did say some things that were critical about me. He said things like, "you have trouble being able to connect with others. I don't". He's a good friend, but there are times when he can remind me of my late father who was pretty critical himself.

I only had time for a one hour bike ride. It was a very nice day to be outside.

Falling apart currently. Impossible to keep it together

I was begging my brothers on face book, at home far away, to let me know the news about how my dad's terminal cancer is progressing. I phone often but my mom doesn't come to speak to me on the phone, I do have wonderful talks with my dad. He doesn't really like reality so he is not the best person for facts, he likes to believe the best of life. Maybe I should take a lesson from him, enjoy his company when I can, and let my fears and worries not have a big place in our time of slowly saying goodbye. It is hard to just cry.

So my mom prefers the TV to my company.

I'm so hurt but I don't feel like I can say anything. I feel like I'm being melodramatic.

If I brought it up she'd turn it around on me and say something like how she doesn't want to spend every day of her life with me and i should understand that.


But then tonight she'll be drunk and try to guilt me into sitting with her because she's soooo lonely. When she knows I hate being around her when she's wasted. But if I don't she'll start saying things like "Nobody cares about me!" "I won't be around forever you know!"

****, how hard can it be to get someone to spend some time with me??

Am I really that bad that no one can stand to be with me unless they're drunk first???


I predict today will be a lonely one with lots of ugly-crying.

no, I don't want to know!

I have felt OK enough so far this day!

I've actually had a pleasant day. I watched a talk between Stephen King and John Grisham and throughly enjoyed their stories and banter. But than my usual day of mediocre tv.

Anxiety has been a little high but the depression has been pretty low.

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I ended up getting on a trail of past memories. I don't know why, how to stop, and where I'm at now but I feel guilty as hell, I feel like I've done nothing but bad things. I know logically it isn't true. There's something that's been eating at me for half my life, and I can't do anything about it. My son is beautiful, both are, but... I can't explain it, and I just try over and over to explain it but the person that needs to hear the words isn't here anymore. I want to cry, say I'm sorry, say I love him for our son. I feel like I don't belong in the depression forum. That there should be a place to lay my feelings down, and I already have done that with God. But I still have some doubts and fears. I fear I can't go on and live with the past at the same time. I'm worried I'll never have done a good enough job at being a mom.

It was a busy day at work. For a lot of the day I was feeling like having health anxiety and feelings of doom. I don't know why I get those feelings. It ruins my day.

i seriously want to die. there's no good reason to stay here besides other people, and they don't care so why should i? all the good things that happen to other people that make life worth living, love, friends, adventure, they will never happen to me.

doing better than yesterday. my black mood seems to have passed, though a grey cloud still hangs over me and refuses to lift. so far this week has been a bust. yesterday was terrible. first with my mom's rejection, then me accidentally smashing my left index finger in my bedroom door while closing it, and it still hurts. of course my mom tired getting me to sit with her when she was drunk, and i very politely refused. then the cherry on top; last night the left side of my earbuds stopped working properly after not even 3 months of owning this pair, and i don't have a backup to use until i can get news ones. i (very stupidly) threw out my backup when i got this most recent pair, thinking i wouldn't need them. i rely very heavily on my music to get me through the day, and especially when my parents are drunk and playing their own music all evening long. so this is hard. i'll have to use part of my last $30 to buy a cheap pair from the dollar store until i can get a ride to walmart, which won't be for a very long while i'm predicting.

so i'm not in the best of moods, to say the least. i've been waking up later, an obvious sign of depression returning, and it looks like it will be sticking around this time. i have two moods as far as eating goes; eat too much junk food to comfort myself, or eat hardly anything at all. right now it's hardly anything. since yesterday i've been feeling short of breath and dizzy upon standing. i know it's likely related to the eating, but i don't want to eat normally. it's too much effort.

my mom did 'let' me sit with her today, though most of our time together was spent with her trying to send a money order to my older sister in new mexico. so we didn't really get to talk about anything. i'm still very lonely. and of course my sister was completely ungrateful, didn't text a thank you or anything. she is quickly becoming a person i do not like. as if this weren't enough, my older brother and his girlfriend recently broke up. turns out she'd been lying to him for the past 4 years and cheating on him. they have a young son together. now he can't even see his own son. my mom and i will likely never get to meet him now.

Guilty that my depression, if it can even be called that (I wonder sometimes) isn't as bad as others. Such a stupid thing to worry about, but it keeps going around in my head now.

I mean, I've thought about suicide in the past, but never been especially serious. I'm afraid, honestly. It's too final, too permanent. And honestly, the pitiful mental life of fantasies and mindless video watching and internet surfing are enough to keep me here, for some weird reason. I guess I can't completely give up on the idea that things might change, and if they don't, there's always the vicarious life.

God, I'm pathetic. I'm too much of a coward to even die.

And this when I've been otherwise having a fairly good day of physical recovery. This is what I mean. My thoughts will kill me unless I remain on the run from them, ignore them and push them down, bury them in work, imagination, and interaction. Because I'm too afraid to quit just yet; the what-ifs and possibilities, even if they only exist in my head, keep me going, however mechanically.

I'm sorry. I don't know what for, I'm just sorry.

A pretty good day. After work, I worked out for the first time in about six or seven weeks. I had put off working out for that time because of a very sore neck and having a cold. Felt good to be back into it. I've worked out for so many decades, it seems. Before working out, I felt like I didn't want to do it. But I pushed myself and glad that I did!

Ive been having an obsessive day and simply cried so much. Everything feels hopeless and I'm really starting to believe I'm never going to know light again. The best I can do is grey coping.

It was a good working day today. I was feeling good for most of the day and didn't have the Health Anxiety that bothers me. But it's weird that, when I feel great, then I feel like I've lost some kind of grip.

I got an email from the RE Agent and he was saying that a couple of people are interested in looking at my place. I'm still very unsure of what I want to do.