Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I've been very busy this morning, but it looks like it's going to be a lonely day for me. I have been feeling alright lately, but there are times when it feels scary or not normal for me. Feeling a bit down this morning because of not getting together with anyone.

The clocks change tomorrow. I tend to feel very weird and depressed when it gets into spring and the time changes. I like it the way it is now, why change it? I think that someday, in my state, they are thinking of repealing the time changes. I think it's about time! (excuse the pun!).

More and more I find myself thinking that mood disorders are just society accepting weakness. Accepting and glorifying people whining and worrying themselves with childish problems into adulthood. Being victims instead of sucking it up like an adult. That those who are depressed, myself included, and just immature and weak and need to be shamed out of our weakness, or at least get over it rationally, as fast as possible in order to be worthwhile human beings.

Sure, I don't want it to be true, but maybe that's how it really is.

I'm so terribly sad and hurt and angry at the same time.

Yesterday my sister confronted me and asked me why I didn't want to date anymore and if I even wanted to have a family?!? I told her at this point, I wouldn't be bummed if I ended up not getting married or having a family. There are plenty of very nice people who don't get married and they are perfectly fine with it. I think this freaked her out a bit because she kept trying to nudge me into agreeing to be more active about pursuing a relationship. She even had the audacity to tell me I need to be "more open" to dating.

Is she out of her mind? I HAVE been open. I have gone out on dates. I have dated almost more people than my fingers can count. I am only 23 for peet's sake. What were you doing when you were 23? Oh yeah... studying and focusing on your career, too. JUST LIKE I AM NOW. Leave me alone!

I understand she is just worried about me, and I know it can be nice to have someone with you for the rest of your life, but I wish she would stop wedging the knife deeper into my heart. It's not that I don't want to date. It's that I CAN'T. Every time I try, I keep getting flashbacks of when things went wrong. I get extremely depressed to the point I can't even function. And then I end up hurting not just myself, but another perfectly innocent person who thought they were dating a harmless girl who turns out to be a depressed maniac.

I really just want to be left alone. I want to stop needing to live up to some standard of life that I have to be living. Why does it matter so much that I need to be married? Why can't it be about my own choices for myself? Why does it always have to be about what they think is best for me? If anything, I feel like she's the one not being more open minded to the fact that there are people out there in this world who choose NOT to be married. I don't think she has ever thought about that...

It hurts all over for my life's worth to be judged on that single factor. I cried myself to sleep last night. I can't do this anymore. I really can't... I didn't give up because of one silly breakup. It's because it hurts so f***ing bad when I can't please my parents in the slightest when I DO end up finding someone who makes me happy. They do nothing but criticize the poor guy because he doesn't meet their criteria. In the end, I can't please them being in a relationship and I can't please them being single. It just doesn't end. It never ends. These standards. I can't meet all of them. And I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel and say "I quit being your daughter."

I'm already the worst daughter anyway. My sister is the one who actually cares about my parents. I'm the ungrateful one. She's the one earning more, she's the one getting married, she's the smarter one, the prettier one, the more understanding one, the more outgoing one, the more organized one, the hardworking one, the more cultured one. Who am I? Just the one hiding in the dark corner because she's too busy crying about how she's a failure at everything in life.

I hate this. I hate it all. I can't ever please anyone. I'm no good for anything.

Hi,
I respect your pain and I hope you can feel better soon. I just wonder why we need to please our parents, apart from that we have been conditioned to do that. I think we can be free when we get rid of this conditioning. Still we can love them. But we don't need to please our parents, our siblings, society. We do not need to obey mandates. We can own ourselves.

I feel sad. I'm lonely. I don't want my T to leave at the end of this month. I don't want a new T.
I'm trying to organise my room. I'm so tired. Mentally and physically. Even somethings as simple as cleaning my room is too hard for me.

The birds are singing, the sunshine is warming up the morning, my youngest daughter is cuddling her older sister whom we have come to visit. I remember being happy just to hear the birds waking up the world when I was a child. I look at younger people and see them focusing on their fears and think that I wished they knew it is all going to be okay. I must remember this as I face the challenges that are coming my way - meeting the former mistress now girlfriend, saying goodbye to my dad who is ill, and figuring out how to not be too lonely.

Wow...I had no idea how toxic that site was. I'm only reading in non-member mode now, but still...extreme introversion I can't help but see as strength, disgusted and cynical rants labelled as "perceiving the world the way it truly is" that terrify me for my own survival and worth (I want to understand the truth, whatever the hell it is...but I'm not intelligent enough), just loads of ideas and points and other things that scare me for my wellbeing and survival.

Damn it, is it so wrong to want to be safe and happy, to have some fulfilling things in one's life and enough stuff to live on? That's about all I'm hoping for now.

And yeah, I've gone from calm to miserable pretty fast. I need some serious time away from that site, if I can keep myself away.

EDIT: It literally just occurred to me that the conversation I was referring to ("perceiving the world...") was between two notoriously cynical, negative posters. Of course one lauded the other as correct. But they're also smarter than most people because certain traits...gah, I don't know.

I'm just irritated today. Irritated with people in general, with friends especially...so so so irritated. And exhausted. I'm tired of continually being the person, when it comes to my friends, to do the inviting and reaching out. I know this is a common complaint and I've mentioned this about a million times, and sometimes that's just the role we play. But dammit, sometimes I want to feel wanted and it sucks that my friends can't get a damn clue and realize that sometimes! I've even told them plainly.

I've had events which are important to me go by unnoticed and uncelebrated because when I try to get people together ("Hey, this is happening, it's important to me, can we do something?") everyone is busy.

I'm so irritated.

Terrible day!
Feeling rage.
I don't know if I have bad luck, but it feels like I am the one that always get the bad teachers/doctors/tutors. Mine is so mean, in a passive agressive way and I am sure I am going to get a bad grade this time too. At least I am not the only one who thinks the same. Every student who have to stay with him normally hates him.
It looks like it likes to see the students suffer...when he starts asking question after question without telling you if your guess is right and just giving you silence and looks. I am not suppose to now these things, but he has the gift to make me feel stupid. And at the same time his junior doctor is mocking my way of speaking with the other interns, making impressions of me and showing youtube videos of someone "talking like me". Hate them.

After that, coming home sad, a bagger came to me with some fake scheme, and I couldn't get rid of her, so I handed her some money. Faking deafeness, bearing a child, insisting non stop with me to give her the ammount of money she wanted, way much than I was willing to give. I feel disgusted about the way these people can lye. And sending me kisses the entire time. I which I had the power to take the money she received from her and make her pay a big cauction.
I don't mind about the change I lost, but these outlaw people are totally anoying.
I just feel embarassed I gave her money. I was distrated, I try to escape and she continued to go after me showing me the paper. For a few seconds I thought she was asking for signatures to support her campaing. I can be very distracted and naive if I don't have the time to concentrate and reflect about what is happening, I don't have a quick thought. I made some signature and there she was demanding me the amount of money she wanted and sending kisses to the air. Then I could run away. It was too late.

I honestly think I hate myself.

Fairly busy day at work today. It was hard getting up because it was so dark. Because of the time change. I worked out today and it went well. I had a headache for most of the day today. It felt weird that when I finished my workout, it was still light outside. This was around 6:30 PM. I still miss the old Standard Time that we were on.

Hi,
It is unacceptable what the junior doctor is doing. I think it is discriminatory and harassment. Maybe your university has a policy about this, I believe you are protected under the European framework

I am feeling better today, and I am thankful for this.

It's not real.

I know I've said it before, but it can't be. I function too well. Every day I get up and leave the house; I get antsy if I don't, like staying in will made me worse. I generally take care of myself, mainly because I have a low threshold for how 'gross' I can handle feeling. I only think about suicide in extremely occasional bursts that distress me (though I have experienced those 'casual' thoughts too). Everything bores me, unless I'm obsessed with it. My emotions are erratic, my entire mood and outlook seems to shift by the hour some days; today was one of them in fact. I read, watch videos, laugh and other normal things, and nothing is forced. But there's no substance to it, I feel hollow no matter what. It's hard to describe. I have drive, kind of, but I can never manage the "bury yourself in work" thing, though damn would that be useful.

I've never experienced lying in bed for days or not being able to eat (if anything, I'm likely to make myself eat when I'm not hungry just to have something to do). I've never experienced constant, powerful suicidal urges. I've never experienced anhedonia or true numbness (just situational numbness). I've never burst into tears for no reason. Never done anything real depressed people do.

I'm not depressed, I'm just a ****up. But being a ****up makes me sad, so I post here.

It sounds like you have dysthymia? I only say this because my T told me it's what I have. It's characterized by when things don't ever feel right but you are still able to get up and "function" by getting up and out of the house, etc. So long story short, it is mild chronic depression.

That's what I tend to think my problem is. My functioning that regard is almost automatic - a kind of restlessness. I need to get out of the house every day. True, I almost never feel "right", but this need to act somehow has me going every day.

Depressive rant for the day: Anytime someone talks about how slow, stupid, and easy to manipulate the "masses" are, I just want to curl up and die. Or die some other way. Because I know I'm just part of the mindless herd and it scares and disgusts me. I want to be safe like anyone else, but I know I'm very easy to manipulate. One good thing about avoiding people and the external world altogether is it lowers that risk. But I'm still disgusted with myself that I wasn't born intelligent enough to be the one doing the manipulating, or at least see through it by myself. Another facet of my own sense of worthlessness, I guess.

To someone that treats everybody the same way: has fun making fun of others, I should act like I don't mind. They just do it to lots of people everyday, and they think their not going further than their wrights. I already forgot it. The intern is a stupid person, that thinks that is the best.
If I was in her position I would be afraid of doing something like it, because I don't want people to hate me. So, my revenge to her is thinking that she is a total fool and a completly stupid person. I realize I don't need to feel minorized by people that are worse human beings than I am. She was just showing how fool she was for everyone to see. Every decent person watching that scene with imediatly hate her for it. So I keep my bad idea about her as she is really a bad person and anyone can see it and dislike her. Now I feel like I have all the right to mock her.

Living in the present, overwhelmed by any sight of future. It seems like I don't have time to do anything, not even think about it, because I have more important things to do...but it gets soo smoggy I can't see the urgency of doing what is urgent, so I do nothing. And I realy want to finish my thesis.

Next week is spring break, after that only one more week with this hatefull time. Me and my colleagues we got ourselves into an emergency course, on the last three weeks we should spend with them, so we can be free of them. No one can take it anymore.

Being anxious makes depression worse.

Well said, she is an idiot, hope you can rest a bit

It's sad that everyone rallies 'round the cruel people of the world. They seem to get everyone's support, consolation, assistance, even if they don't need it. This is what the human race has become. Just sad.

I am feeling my anxious than depressed. Though my depression today is the blah kind.

I'm disappointed in myself, weak, tired, not enough. I live in the tossed black debris of my depression tornado, and somehow that is unforgivable. I want to hide. And then hide even deeper away.

Hopeless. Everything is just empty, broken and hopeless.and I'm in one of those pathetic "someone please talk to me now" moods, which doesn't make it any better.

I had a pretty nice weekend. Yesterday went very well and felt great emotionally. This morning I woke up feeling depressed and felt like my depression was coming back. I did feel better as the day progressed.

I took a bike ride today. I have been having anxiety and feel like I have not done as much on my bike as I used to. I have been wanting to take a three hour bike ride like I used to. I have not done that in a long time. Because of my anxiety and other things coming up. Today I went on a two hour ride and trying to get back into doing a three hour ride. I hope I can real soon!

Incidentally, I have posted about this on the Anxiety and Phobias forum board. If you look there, you'll see my name there.

feeling like " why another week?"

had a **** weekend- the highlight of it was probably watching ant and dec's takeaway on saturday night (but even then i didn't want to watch it, i was just going through the motions)

now just sitting here wondering how the hell i'm going to get through summer, despite the fact i know it's still a few months off