Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Are depression hotlines any good? Last time I used one I got a bunch of crappy generic advice and that's not what I want. But I'm in too much pain. Existing is too much.

i think on all these lines you're going to get bad people, then you're going to get good as well.

which i've learnt.. i once had a bad guy who really didn't care, and it put me off that particular place for months

next time i used it i got someone who did talk and try to offer advice

so i can't answer your question really

depends on who answers your call

The only hotline I have called was in connection with the clinic my therapist was located. If you get one that offers that type of advice I would try another hotline or even hang up and call again to see if you can get a different person who will be better.

Really rough day today, felt like I couldn't do anything right and then started questioning every thing I did. Also feeling really insecure about my relationships with a lot of the people in my life, not sure why. I wish I could just sleep for a few days.

depression is bad bad bad today. my head hurts so much. i feel like i'm going to pass out or vomit or both. i know i need to eat more but **** that. just gonna lay down the rest of the day probably. also when did this thread get so inactive?

Apparently my depression is going to be long lasting. The therapist says I need to manage my depression. I need to find a better word. Manage sounds impersonal and lifeless.

so much remorse...

i can't do this anymore, there's nothing here for me. i just want this life to be over already, i never asked for it, i don't know why i'm expected to make something of it. i can't even make myself stop crying.

i just can't see a future for myself anymore. it's all just pain and loneliness, from here on out. i'm not even going to try anymore, i see where that gets me now.

it hurts...

im sorry ennui...

I've made such a terrible mistake tonight, and I don't know if I can ever fix it... I'm SUCH a ****ing idiot! Why do I even do this to myself? I'm beating myself up so much right now, I wish I had a hundred more sores to pick at.

Today was not a good day at work. This morning I was feeling great and then some things happened to sink my mood down. Some of the things that got me down improved, but still it was not a good day.

At least the workout went well; and it went well at the pool area where I live. My friend called me tonight. He said that he had wanted to send me an email message saying, "shame on me for not attending the Good Friday service". He meant that as a joke, but I thought that it was not funny. We got talking and then an unexpected guest showed up at his house, so he had to go. I was hoping that he and I could get together tomorrow but he has something planned. It seems like it's been a while since we had some good quality time together. He will be leaving on a trip to South Africa on Monday and be gone for two weeks.

I feel like I need to have another friend besides just him! He's all that I have!

currently feeling pretty excited.

just discovered some vouchers for dominos, which will allow me to get free food. (and that's good!)

gonna use them next week

It's been a busy day so far. And it appears that I'll be on the go for the rest of the day. The problem is that on Saturdays, I tend to feel very let down when the busyness is over with and there's no one to see.

walked almost 8,000 steps today, found the photos I've been looking for off my old phone & put them on the new phone, got invited to spend Easter with a friend and her family so won't be all alone after all - whew!

today wasn't as bad as each day (especially Saturday & Sunday) usually is

You know that thing, when you read quotes of "truth" from characters or smart people about how horrid and animalistic people are, how this is the Truth of what people are, without exceptions....and you look at yourself with horror and consider becoming a hermit...yeah.

not a bad day.

felt really bad in the morning because of the sunny weather outside, but after i'd eaten my chocolate egg and watched a couple episodes of family guy, felt a little better.

(headache's gone too, so that's a plus)

I am supposed to go to a family friend's house and hang out...eat, drink, and be merry, and all I want to do is stay home and sleep. I have a headache, am sleepy, and kind of in a funk. But the weather is beautiful, and I'm hoping some ibuprofen and a shower will get me well on my way to feeling it a little more...

i certainly hope you get to go to your friends

maybe it will be fun

Oh, I'll go. I'm on my way out right now (waiting for my phone to download this stupid update ). It's a family friend so they're more like family, essentially the only family I have in town. I've just been feeling some kind of way, lately. Not exactly depressed, not exactly mad, not exactly sad. But like I want to scream, cry, hide in a corner, and run away all at the same time. I think I'm frustrated. I am not feeling very good about myself right now, and it's natural given that I've started a new role at work after 15 years to feel uncertain and to have some kind of "culture shock." But I know for me it's probably somewhat more exaggerated than what the rest of my residency cohort is experiencing. I'm okay, I'll be able to manage it and I'll make it through, but it doesn't feel great right now.

Oh god, I wish my mind would shut off for a bit. At least shut off the questioning bits so I could just charge in and do whatever I want, meaning or future obsolescence be damned. I'm probably just going to stay in, eat, watch movies and read. And try not to think about all the painful crap I'm terrified of.

I hate feeling so empty and helpless though. Like everything is doomed and there's no way I can stop it.

I am not okay.

An OK day for me. I saw my friend today just briefly. I went to church on Easter Sunday. Initially, I didn't want to go because I thought that it would be crowded and I didn't want to deal with that. My friend told me that there is not much of a difference at the church when there's an Easter Sunday service. Plus he wanted me to be there so that we could get together; as he will be leaving on a long trip tomorrow.

It turned out that the church was crowded, just like what I didn't want. I told him that the church seemed crowded today. He said that it was normal. I reminded him that he had told me that it's not different on Easter Sunday than at other times. He then told me that a little more families come on Easter Sunday. So I felt like I had been lied to and I didn't enjoy the service today. That was very upsetting to me.

We went to a coffee shop. I was not crazy about going there but I thought that it would be OK with me; since he'll be gone tomorrow for a while. We got to the coffee shop and it was closed. So that was a disappointment.

felt really depressed this morning (because it was so light and sunny outside)

so came on here to talk to you guys

feel a little better but not much

hi everyone
it has been awhile since I have been on here ,
I have been holding my own pretty well , cept the last few days have been tough , I realy don't know what is happening to my mind , I don't know how I feel I am scared , sad , afraid , confused , I don't know what is real or what isn't , like I am disembodied , floating between dimensions , tears roll down my face for no reason , I realy don't know what to do. I thought I had it all under control , that all this was in the past , something is wrong with me and I don't know what it is . are the dreams an visions real ? are the deep sad feelings of something real ? I cant do this again ,.