Feeling Worse Every Day

Yeah some of them mess up grr.. when I was in the hospital the lady had had a stroke so her right arm hand was not working, she gave it to me with 1 arm and hand! It scared me pink

How are ya doing

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I feel dark. Not so much depressed, but very dysphoric. I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything, so I haven't.

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I don't want to do this anymore. Everything feels so consistently overwhelming, and I just don't know how to react to anything anymore. I still feel depressed, nearly constantly. Friday will be 4 weeks on the wellbutrin and I feel nothing. And now there are physical problems as well. It feels like my body is attacking itself, which I guess it technically is. But it's manifesting in ways that I just don't know how to handle. I'm scared to go to a doc to have anything checked out, because if it's really bad I just don't know what I'll do. I keep thinking about how easy it would be to just give up and end everything, but I don't really want to die, I just want to stop feeling this.

What is you tell Pdoc what is going on?

I don't have an appointment with pdoc until the end of May.

Right. But my thought was that if you were having difficulties with the medication you could let the Pdoc know. Pdocs do not assume that nothing can be amiss over the course of two months. Your Pdoc might adjust the dosage or ask to see you again or add something or simply reassure you or tell you what to be aware of, as you know there are many possibilities.

I guess that you do not see T this week.

I suppose. I've been trying not to jump the gun about the wellbutrin though, he told me when he prescribed it that it would take 4-8 weeks to start working, and I'm not even quite at 4 weeks now.

As far as I know I'm still on the cancellation list for this week, but my next scheduled appt with T isn't until next Monday.

Well the delay so far in effectiveness does not worry me but when you speak of not knowing how to handle physical symptoms and of the possibility of giving up and ending everything I get worried and start to wonder if perhaps Pdoc needs to know what is going on.

It would be good to have a plan for a session with T this week, just in case.

about the wellbutrin (well any antidepressant i guess) it seems to take a little longer for you to start noticing an effect... they always say 4-6 weeks but it could be shorter or longer i think...

i can tell that im taking the wellbutrin now (4months later)... im able to roll out of bed atleast, before i started it (and waiting for the effects) i was so depressed i couldnt eat or talk or anything... i went atleast 5 days without eating anything in feb.... lost 5 pounds too.. which isnt such a bad thing but maybe its not a good thing to go days without eating

to me the effects i feel from the wellbutrin are quite mild.. but i can feel there is something there... i think of it as little soldiers being placed throughout my body fighting the depression monster... sometimes cant really tell how the fight is going even if you are winning...
but i may be feeling like this because im halfway losing touch with reality as one might would say

through all the stuff i have been through, before treatment, and all the child hood stuff... i reflected on it for some time and around 10-13 years old something flipped inside of me that was kind of like a patience switch... i used to not be patient at all and would have rage issues if i was confronted... now i am the opposite... im so patient it annoys people... and very rarely have any anger or rage show to anyone outside of myself...

my point is i think patience is really important, just as important, if not more important, than is the medicine... know what i mean?
i have bad time perception so weeks or months will go by for me without really realizing it.. but i think that patience is an important part of the medicine making adjustments to the chemicals and stuff...

it just kind of reinforces my idea that we are not really our bodies and we exist outside of the body... just we are "bound" to this realm and physicality... so i guess i might just be completely nuts or maybe im on to something

just gotta try to be patient ya know.. be gentle with yourself during the beginning phases of starting meds... theres chance it could help greatly, even make all the symptoms go away, and there still the chance that it wont do anything, or make the symptoms worse
depends how your body uses the drug i guess

i would say if another 3-6 weeks there is no signs then maybe need to try something else, but i would personally keep taking the wellbutrin and add an SNRI... cymbalta was pretty ok for me side effect wise... it also used to treat fibromyalgia in some...
since wellbutrin is an NDRI it might synergize each other if taking with ssri/snri
i was on alot of antipsychotics too and depakote so i couldnt really tell what was doing what

really sorry that you are having troubles... sorry about my ranting, im a little foggy currently i guess

I wasn't thinking very clearly when I posted this morning. The physical symptoms I mentioned aren't related to my medication, they're other issues. I don't know how to handle them because I'm afraid they are something worse than what I could fix at home, and I don't want to have to go to a doc or something about it.

I don't think my ideation has gotten to a point where I'm overly worried about it. I don't even want to do anything, I just have noticed how easy it would be right now.

Thanks. I wish I could be gentler with myself, but I guess I'm just getting so frustrated with not being able to function at the level I was before, so it's hard to do. And then I get mad at myself for waiting so long to ask for help, because I could've been feeling better already. It seems like most everything I've been offered for help isn't going to be useful by the time I get it. Like medical leave at work, reaching out to t when I'm in crisis...even reaching out to my pdoc when I was having problems with meds. It just feels useless right now.

I feel like some of that should give me reason to look for a new t/pdoc, but I just can't even begin to think about that. I can't imagine the strength I need to start over right now.

I don't know how I made it through today. I suppose being able to hide in my office most of the day helped. At least it seems the meds are doing their job and preventing anxiety, I'm not obsessing over my physical problems anymore. I'm far too familiar with this feeling, just being empty. I only have one more human interaction tonight, and then I can hide again. Everything is just a blur, one day bleeds into the next into the next into the next...and I feel satisfied with nothing. I just want to go home and crawl into bed.

i totally know what you mean

i kind of did the exact same thing to myself when i first started realizing that i needed real help...
and i can be really really mean to myself... but i have gotten a little better about that lately... i mean i still have periods where im completely enraged with myself... but i try to just work my way through it without causnig too much damage to myself..

one of the things i do to try to comfort myself is to minimize it... for example i tell myself that i could have hallucinations... im grateful i dont.. i could have alot of voices.. but i am grateful that i dont...
it doesnt really make the depression feel better but it seems to help a little... i dunno if thats a bad thing to do or not but its something i have always done... undermining things i guess - which probably isnt a good thing because cant get propper treatment if we're always undermining the symptoms right?

i've been really confused lately so im probably not making too much sense

i started looking at myself as the real doctor... i know what im feeling and what im experiencing... so i research whats going on and i try to relay to "A real doctor" one that has degrees and blablabla... im a little paranoid when it comes to doctors... so i feel like i have to rely on myself, i have to trust myself, i have to push myself forward... because these are things the doctor can't do for us no matter how good of a doc he is right...?

it really is not easy, im not trying to belittle it at all... because i struggle all the time with it too, and its easy to say something but really hard to practice it...
but i try, if i dont try then its over, the end...

i dont want to die, but i just want to be happy, content, healthy... dont wana live like this anymore either, i know you probably feel the same...

i know that feeling of nothingness being better, if its what you mean..
sometimes i'll stare blankly at something for a while and realize that im just sitting here... but those moments are nice moments... quiet moments for the most part...
leaving the world and going to my world i guess - i try not to think as much as possible about anything about me, but obsess over knowledge - psychology - science - philosophy... i just try to make my mind tired as much as i can so it wont focus on the negative stuff... but it doesnt work all the time, like right now its really hard for me to read anything, i cant play video games... anything that involves memory or interaction with others it seems... i can still do music though...

maybe you have that one thing that you can do no matter what..?
distraction is powerful... just be prepared for the shocks when you realize you were distracted... because i do that alot distract myself and then ZAP have a rush of the emotions come back because i became aware

i write too much!! sorry, i just have a hard time realizing that i write too much until i already have

just wannted to say i know your frustrated... losing abilities due to these things really is distressing, i know i used to be so smart... i mean i probably still am but its just im handicapped by these things now... everyone used to call me "the genious" and being a little avoidant that always made me feel weird because i just did what i could do... i dont like attention! so i totally understand the loss of abilities... just have to try to tell yourself that its not your fault, it can get better... we just have to keep fiighting for it...

i know thats cliche.... but i feel like its the only option i have, so maybe its the only option you have too..? either fight, or give up..? and i just cant give up because im too stubborn
i might see the world more black and white though so dont take any of my advice to heart, just rambling over here

i wish i knew something to do for you to help make it easier, i dont wanna tell you to do something thats bad or not a good idea... but maybe you can try detaching from these things..? it feels a little like meditation to me although i know its not meditation... im just not completely present with my body i guess, just let everything go...

where there is a will, there is a way... where there is no way, we will make the way...

You get exactly where I'm coming from. And I know what you mean about snapping back from distraction. I'm really good at distracting myself on weekends, probably because I just get high and watch TV or play video games with bf. But there are those moments when my focus breaks. Last weekend it happened once while we were messing around and tickling each other. Suddenly the anxiety hit me while we stopped to take a breath, and I had to get all serious fast so I could ask for some space. It was terrible, I can't stand the look on bf's face when it happens, like he just hurts much for me.

I think I lost my point somewhere in there. I don't know anymore. I'm sorry I can't reply to your posts like I want to, I keep getting sidetracked and then I wear myself out. Thank you for continuing to post to me though. It really helps to talk to someone who really gets it.

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yeah it is really nice to know someone else knows whats going on.. makes you feel less crazy/isolated i think

i dont know anyone in real life that experiences things like i do, alot of my family has different mental illness stuff going on but it seems like to me they all exaggerate symptoms for some reason... im the opposite, i undermine symptoms and try to cover them up

dont worry about posting i just tend to ramble sometimes and the posts get a little long, my mind wanders around sometimes- zone out and when i come back to i see i've written a book

it really sucks when you are enjoying yourself and it happens though, i think thats part of the reason i am hypervigilant most of the time anymore because everytime i let my guard down something weird happens...

its hard on the ones we care about too.. but im not so close to anyone so they dont see everything... your bf sounds great, understanding and whatnot..
it really does suck dealing with these things, it tries to ruin it all im not very good at handling it either so im not really sure what to do about it... i usually end up getting intoxicated in some form though just to blow off steam i guess?

the guilt can make you feel so badd because you just wanna feel better for everyone around you, and yourself of course but it seems like the guilt comes from not being able to be your top self for everyone.. thats how i feel atleast

i am extremely forgetful though, actually i think i have some type of amnesia..
so i just tell myself to get through this moment, then this moment, then this one.. ect ect.. and tomorow comes (i think) and i dont really remember yesterday or whatever, so i guess my mind came up with some kind of mechanism of forgetting things to make it easier to deal with this for so long

we just have to keep talking to the docs and working with meds/different meds to make a little progress.. gotta practice patience i guess

I don't have anyone in my family with any mental illness. No one who talks about it, at least. My parent's definitely don't understand, I've tried talking to my mom about things but she just doesn't get it. But now I have this place, and bf is really understanding about things.

Guilt is huge for me right now. I feel horrible for feeling horrible. I try so hard to keep myself pulled together so no one else sees what's really going on, because I know they really can't do anything and it's going to hurt them. That's probably why it's been so hard for me to ask for the help I need, because I've been keeping it hidden for so long I don't even know what's going on or what I need.

That really sucks about your memory Mine has been worse than usual lately, but I think it's just because I'm so overwhelmed by everything, my mind just can't focus on any one thing long enough to form a memory. Or something like that I've been writing lots of notes and to do lists. Plus it helps if I think of something I need to do later in the day and ask bf to remind me. As long as he doesn't have to remember it for too long, he's been pretty good at reminding me. His memory isn't very good either, but for different reasons

yeah even though people in my family have mental illness they still dont ... empathize?
its always about having it worse than the other, know what i mean?

so i just dont talk about it with anyone either

the shame and guilt sucks... i just keep trying to remind myself that i didnt choose all this.. and that this mental illness is not who i am, but only something affecting me right now...
and i try to keep in mind that things can get better... if i fight hard enough...
if i fight hard enough anything is possible right?
so we just have to stay strong and take it slow and steady

I think my problems right now are just really scary for me, and it's making it harder to not feel shame and guilt. The first depressive episode I remember having was in high school, so like 10/11 years ago or something. I still struggled through college, but didn't get as down for as long in that time. And then I spent the next 6 years almost doing fine on my own. I wasn't seeing a t or anything, just dealing with life on my own. But now I'm just sinking deeper and deeper, and it's scary. And maybe there's an ego thing going on too, that I could handle life on my own for so long and now I can't. I don't know. I just ramble when I post here, I don't know what I'm talking about.

i think its good to ramble, i mean i have to think its good because i do it so much.. if i thought it was bad thing i would make myself mad all the time!

to me these things are scary... especially when they progress further and further and treatment feels like its not really helping

stress definitely makes things more challenging... so i try to try not to ruminate on things.. try not to stress about things.. and steer clear of any stressors in general

its so sucky because its so easy to say things that would help but its so hard to do those things which just kind of turns into a "vortex spiral of doom"(is what i always called it)
so end up just spiraling deeper and deeper because its like a domino effect..?
i dont really know how to get out of that vortex, over the years i've just gotten used to "sailing in the storm" i think

i just try to ride it out usually i guess... go with the flow in a sense, because fighting the current wears me out...
but apparently i have a dissociation problem so i can just leave the world for undetermined amounts of time? but thats another problem

do you look at the clock alot? if you do maybe you can try not looking at the clock/time.. i hardly ever look at the clock anymore because when i did it felt like time was standing still..

Stress and time...they are both demons. I've always struggled with stress management (probably why I smoke). I always feel like time goes by too fast, except for the last hour at work if I don't have anything scheduled. I hate paying attention to time, but there are lots of times when I have to. During work I have to make sure I'm prepared before appointments, so I have to pay attention to how much time I have for that. At night I try to avoid it, but every time I look at the clock it seems like so much time has passed since I last looked, and it's less and less time to spend relaxing before bed. Weekends too, the days just slip away from me and I never feel like I have enough time.

I am afraid. Of nearly everything, all the time. It's like my new "normal". I'm always anxious and can't relax, especially not when I'm alone. Everything sets me off. I'm afraid that I'm making things up, that my symptoms are all in my head. But I don't know how to explain why things are happening, so I guess it's not made up? I don't know, I can't tell.

I had the strangest episode of derealization last night. I don't know if it's ever happened before. I was eating and all of a sudden nothing looked right. I can't explain what was wrong, but everything I focused on just looked wrong. The food, the couch, the coffee table, everything. The only thing that didn't look wrong was the cartoon we were watching. I can't tell how long it lasted, I just stopped trying to focus on anything.

I had a lot of anxiety last night. There was a lot of in-and-out of the building and up-and-down the stairs activity outside my apartment, and it makes me feel so small and closed-in. Bf ended up staying the night so I could relax some. It was such a horrible feeling.

i feel that way alot too, making things up, but its real

that derealization / depersonalization stuff its really weird...

our minds can do really extreme things sometimes
my anxiety has been really weird lately too...
i guess the onle option we have is to keep going though.. eventually things have to improve... they did get worse after all... so have to be able to improve right?

It does have to get better. Everything has been so weird lately. I'm grateful to have the week off work, I really need it. But im having other problems too, so I don't know. I just want to sleep all the time, and be left alone.

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What is your plan for speaking with T tomorrow?

maybe there is something under the surface that you aren't thinking of that is fueling the upswing in symptoms... i know that is possible, just because you dont know what it is doesnt mean it cant wreak havoc

i haven't done much therapy so i dunno how it works really well... i mean i have done therapy but i dont remember any of it :/
but maybe your T and you can explore those possibilities?
i dunno how you would identify a hidden trigger

god knows i have a ton of them