Feeling Worse Every Day

So, my appointment this morning went pretty well. The conversation was hijacked some because I had a really bad panic attack last night. I had been texting my bf through it, so as soon as T brought up our relationship I thought about last night and started crying. But we were able to get back on track, and about halfway through she asked me if I had written anything in my journal that I wanted to talk about. I told her about the shame I feel over being in therapy, and that I feel judged for it. I told her about feeling incompetent, and that I feel shame over having these tools and not being able to use them. So we talked about how everyone needs help once in a while, and about trying to work more on reframing my negative thoughts. It kind of worked out with talking about what happened last night, because I told her that the rational part of my mind was trying to convince me that things were OK, but it was hard to listen to. So I guess that's where I'm at right now, working on trying to minimize the negative thoughts and focus more on the positive. It's not an easy task.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know what you feel... the days are longer and never ending because of the pain. it's hard to be present at work but it needs to be done and that's a constant battle with what you feel. you're needed but you feel dead inside. I would run to the bathroom and cry, or sometimes just be there for a few minutes even if I didn't have to use it.

are you taking any medications?
I'm not this time around with my depression. no $ . it's hard to get up every day. you're not alone. just keep posting here. I posted on depression forums this morning and I got a lot of support. it made me feel goo that I'm not alone. thought I was sad that people are going through what we are because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. just keep posting.

Thanks. It is hard to keep going. Most days I wish I could just stay in bed, but I know I have to get up and keep going.

I started taking medications about 2 weeks ago. For anxiety it is thankfully an instantly-working med, but I'm still waiting for any effect from my antidepressant. It's been a long time since I've been on anything.

edit: crazy joke

check this one out too
https://peoplestrusttoronto.wordpres...cult-to-fight/

Thanks, those made me smile I'm feeling a little more optimistic today, just waiting for the wellbutrin to start kicking in. It's frustrating that I can't really do anything but try to change my thinking until then, but I'm trying. I still get up and go to work every day. I try to do things I enjoy at home, but I struggle with having the energy to do a lot of stuff that would make me feel better. I will get there though, and I think it'll be better now that I was able to open up to t about feeling shame and embarassment over being in therapy. And the journaling is helping us keep on track.

oh yeah its all about the small steps, it will add up in the end

i know how it feels though, i've been on the wellbutrin since january i think.. its helping in the sense of helping me get out of bed and eat, but i still have to fight the battles
just gotta keep swimming i suppose

Right

You mentioned this a few days ago or something, but it does feel like I've been on meds for a lot longer than 2 weeks. I think even without the wellbutrin things are starting to get better now that I'm off the klonopin. That was a pretty horrible week.

that really was a paradoxical reaction!
i like the klonopin so its just interesting how it affects people differently
i think i like the valium more though - only thing i dont like about them is building a tolerance after being on them for longer but i guess i should of used them more sparingly - i just hate anxiety so bad

oh and it seems like forever when trying to wait on any effects from the antidepressants, so annoying

It really was! I've still taken a few here and there, if I need something at night. Then I know I'll be asleep when it wears off. I've been trying to use them more sparingly, but I don't think it's been going very well. It's hard to remember. I think there have been a few days when I've only taken one, but it hasn't been too often yet.

It is annoying I've taken a couple of classes about how psych meds work, so I understand why it takes time, but that doesn't help when I'm waiting on them.

definitely, im more into quick fixes too but i guess they classify that as substance abuse but i guess they take the longer term approach - i've seen these meds help people a lot for a long time and its just puzzled me why i have so much difficulty with it you would think they would have these medicines catagorized to each "class" of person depending on certain genes in the dna? if they can make a drug then surely they should be able to label it properly?

i just dont understand most of the mental health treatment practices...
maybe its because im crazy

How would you know what "class" each person is though? Either I'm just not following you, or that sounds like it would make things way complicated.

The substance abuse label is thrown around so carelessly. There are a lot more criteria than just looking for a quick fix, but I can see how it could get to that quickly. I'm a little worried about myself, I really like how well benzos work on my anxiety. I like it maybe a little too much. But I've been able to just use them when I'm anxious, so maybe I won't have a problem? Meh, I'm leaving out important points that look more like abuse, or future abuse.

im sure it is complicated
sometimes i just have "far out there" realizations of probably inconceivable things...

i was just thinking about how they treat the problem most of the time they will just throw these meds at it to kind of throw a sheet over it, you can still see the sheet but it doesnt bother you as much - doesnt really fix it though, in my experience...

maybe the dna has some type of mutation that allows depression to manifest... or other mental illness... i dont understand why it happens to some people but then not the person standing next to you?

by class of person i just meant like blood types, that kind of catalog...
dont mind me - no body is home upstairs

That makes more sense. I hate debating the origin of MI lol maybe there is some genetic thing to it, who knows.

I get what you meant now by classes. I thought you meant some kind of differentiating marker in dna. I was confused

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i can be pretty confusing sometimes - even i wonder what im talking about

i mean i really have no opinion on the subject because i have no clue...
but it would make me feel better if it was a genetic thing, then maybe we could isolate it and fix it!

i just keep telling myself maybe someone will figure it out soon

That would be amazing. I wish there was a simple cure for it. Hell, if they could fix all the terrible side effects, I'd be ok with taking meds the rest of my life, as long as they stopped me from becoming depressed or extremely anxious. I mean, I'm going to be on meds of one sort or another anyway, why not for this too?

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same we can fantasize atleast

i need a pill to get me back to planet earth, i dont remember writing those messages

Yeah I wish there was something I could do to help. I've had brain fog for the last couple weeks, that's one of the reasons I've been journaling so much lately. I'm finding holes in my memory

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I felt silly last night. When bf left, I started to freak out again. I almost begged him to stay. I just didn't want to be alone again like the night before. I ended up moving everything I needed into my bedroom, so when he left I could lock the door and not have to leave my room again. It felt stupid. How am I ever going to get over these fears if I can't even face them? Then I got through my shower and realized that my journal was still in the living room. So I skipped writing last night, just because I was too afraid to go back out there to get it. I kept hearing things during my shower, and kept having to look out to make sure there wasn't someone there. I feel so weak over this

yeah memory gaps are terrible, i would journal but im scared that i would scare myself in the future if i ever get better when i read it back and cause a problem/relapse

sometimes i feel like "is there anybody out there"


well... i dont think its stupid... because of some of the things i've looked into, or researched if you will... some pretty messed up stuff... i tend to get terrified when im alone some where too... especially in the dark, feel like im surrounded then...
but i guess curious minds wander - probably where they aught not go!

plus im Sagittarius...

I am so pissed off right now. Today has been so ****** and it's barely even afternoon. I don't know how much else can go wrong, and if anything else does I don't know what I will do. I'm already fighting back tears right now because I don't have the time to stop and hide so I can cry. This is ****ing stupid, I feel so helpless.

I don't know where my fear comes from. I'm afraid of someone breaking in, but I don't even think I know anyone who's experienced that. It's never happened to me, never happened when I was living with my parents, nothing. But it terrifies me. I can rationalize 95% of the noises I hear at night too, but it doesn't stop the anxiety.

is it Scelerophobia

Scelerophobia - Phobia Wiki - Wikia
Fear of Crime Phobia – Scelerophobia

these things dont make you stupid though... just extra challenges we have

dont feel bad, i do it too :/

Yeah, I guess that sounds about right. Funny how I can be so terrified of this but I work with felons

It is a challenge, and I hate it. It didn't start until I moved into my apartment, and I suspect it will go away when bf and I finally move in together.

hopefully it will get better, phobias are weird :/

i have a few of them myself
just have to try to remind ourselves to not let these things define who we are, because who we are is not these things ???

Yeah, that's true. It's so hard to get past some of them though. Like, I have a phobia of medical needles. I'm ok with piercings and tattoos, but I can't stand getting shots or having blood drawn. Well, I have to give myself an injection every week. It took at least 2 months before I could do it without having a panic attack first. And I go in for check ups about every 3 months, and the doc always sends me to the lab for blood tests after. Usually it's not too bad, especially when they can take it from the back of my hand. But last time they messed something up and I had to go back to have more taken. The lab tech I got then was just terrible and dug around in my arm to find a vein. It was traumatizing. I cried the whole time, and cried again when I got out to the car. Even remembering it now is upsetting.