[dexter]

Those who know my story here I think it is safe to say I have been trying really really hard to get well, battling severe depression and several medical issues. I've been struggling to find therapy, agreed to a new antidepressant, have been dragging myself to support groups, trying to remain at work, and finally getting myself into a partial hospital program.

I've been in the P.H. program for two weeks now. It is DBT based. Some of the skills are helping relieve the suicidal ideation but the long term problems that have left me hopeless are still there.

This week they've proposed some solutions to that too. The solutions are the same ones I've been trying for ten years, struggling with for ten years, but have not improved my life or my situation. And led me back to depression last December.

I can not do that again. My situation and health is much worse now so those ideas are much less likely to work now than they did over the past ten years, if they failed me then they are not going to succeed now. I shouldn't say "not" I should say "unlikely". The situation is that given the "unlikely" prognosis I have no desire to reinvest that time, risk, pain, and effort into trying again.

Also I no longer want to invest the time, pain, and effort into even getting well anymore. I've been struggling with this for months working against crushing depression. The P.H. program wants to keep me full day for at least another week. I don't know why that matters to me as I've been failing to be able to work for a few hours in the morning so I certainly won't be able to go to work for a half day. I'm just at this point too tired I think I'm worn out.

I've still got no help around, in spite of reaching out as much as I can and asking for help. Everyone I know has their own lives and their own problems and no time to visit or talk to me even when I explicitly ask and explain that and why I need it.

I'm worn out from trying for so hard and so long, I'm alone with no support in this, and I'm looking--at best--at a repeat of the last ten unhappy years. Strike three.

[guiltier65]

Dexter,
I'm so sorry that you've reached this point. I can only imagine the hopelessness and frustration you are feeling right now. I know how hard you've been working, so I do understand. Please know that I am not trying to offend you when I say, please don't give up. You are worth it. I value your insights and comments. It wasn't that long ago that I was convinced that depression was going to win the battle. You told me to keep trying. I did. and some days still suck and i still fight with the same loneliness that you do. But you are not alone. You may not have any hope left at this moment but I do. You can do it.... you're not alone.

[lilypup]

I too was very hopeless. I got on a better med and the depression lifted. I am still tired but there is hope. It can get better.
You have my hugs, sympathy, and understanding.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( Dexter ))))))))))))
I wish this hug could take away even a little of your pain. So many of us feel alone (so few IRL understand or care to ...) I know how hard you've been trying to beat this and I wish I could offer more than a hug and a GROWL at this depression (and the lack of understanding of so many IRL )

[little turtle]

dexter it sounds awful for you...what are you the most angry about...

[basicgoodness]

In my experience, finding the right med can take time and lots of trial and error. If one doesn't work for you, there may be another that will. I know you resisted medication, but it has proven to be life-saver for me, many times over the course of my life. You may yet find one that will work for you. Don't give up hope.

[hopeless2015]

HUGS

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

[elevatedsoul]

hmm.. well if your health is permitting from my experience they can put you on so many meds that you wont know whether you are coming or going... but it can interrupt your work im sure... which i am completely astonished at your ability and strength to continue applying yourself in these scenarios, work, group therapy, ect..

they say its better to be that way, to not know your own name even, that it means the medicine was working, and sometimes i would agree that being like that would be better.. but for the long term i dont see it as a solution.. the depakote really does a number, if you want to try that - but i think you have to have blood tests to make sure your levels dont get too high, i cant remember though.. i just know after they added that i was in lala land, but i had alot of cognitive impact from it, unable to think.. forgetting words... not able to count or say abc's...

but sometimes drastic measures should be taken to avoid the most fatal drastic measure

you could try joining me on the crazy train, just go mad.. let the insanity turn your brain over to the underworld where feelings dont exist, or well not your feelings

i dunno where im at :/ but im not on any drugs or meds beside the wellbutrin so i can only conclude that i have acquired insanity
i wish you could feel better, or atleast feel numb so the things wont prick and prod you constantly

your sadness is deeply rooted, and weeding the garden is no simple feat...
but if we can find the mother root, dump poison and gasoline on it and burn it to the ground, we'll atleast disconect ourself or heal that wound..
we have to not blame ourselves and try not to let the guilt control us, the past is an evil mistress that will haunt us to the end.. or we can turn to the past and tell it that this is the end, my friend.. we part here, and walk ahead with the future - the rescuer and protector
i know how it is.. but i have lost myself in time and am unsure of which is which, so i laugh at it and will walk backwards to the forward hills where i can gaze at the beauty of the world .. but i still carry myself, the wounded and scared self..
but i am strong, even if i am weak, i will make it to the top, even though the journey is long, when the hills are steep, and i am not, i will go down burning, kicking, and biting till the very end and im hoping so to will you my friend

much love brother.. kick with every last breathe
we deserve the world in our hands

[elevatedsoul]

oops
i dunno why it double posted

and i dunno why i sound so crazy, dont pay any attention to me
gotta stop doing that stuff

[dexter]

They want me to join some LGBT social groups to try to meet people and stop thinking that I won't ever meet someone. They also pointed out correctly that my last attempt (the one that put me into this depression) had some very immature aspects.

But the social thing is something I have done and followed through on after my earlier bout of depression. Back when I was full of hope. I put a lot of effort into it for many years and it didn't work. I pushed myself past my social phobias. I pushed myself to get out and meet people. Now my ability to repeat that is much more limited by my health. I can't go out dancing any more because of the heart issues and I can't even get out to events as I tire easily and find it difficult to drive. Aside limiting my ability to act as much these traits certainly do not increase my odds of success if I were to start trying them again.

I know about the immature aspects of my recent excitement (they really hit the nail on the head in describing them) but that's because I have absolutely no experience with this throughout my entire life. So in addition to trying to be social again I am supposed to somehow start to build a lifetime of experience? They've all but guaranteed that if I were to start socializing again any hope of romance would fail on the first few attempts due to my immaturity/inexperience.

They correctly do not want me looking at my crystal ball and negatively predicting that it is impossible that I might somehow find my first successful relationship in life at my stage of life. I get that it is not impossible. I shouldn't even worry about it's unlikelihood.

What they don't understand is that I can not will not do not want to start all that effort and risk and pain again. I do not want to try. I don't even want to expend the energy any more fighting this depression. Going to the hospital program is physically taxing and emotionally draining. It is helping, but it is helping with the daily depression thereby exposing the larger longer fight I would have ahead if I want anything more than merely surviving afterward. I don't want to start that new struggle and I no longer want to go on merely surviving.

[Onward2wards]

((( dexter ))) I get it, I understand. As of today I've had more than enough myself. At the end of the rope and tired of the same old same old that just hasn't worked for me. I need something different. I'm trying to bootstrap my way out of this.

[elevatedsoul]

well.. about meeting someone, i think its easy for any/all of us to go out with unrealistic expectations...
some people believe in love at first sight, i do not... i believe there may be chemistry and lust, infatuation and excitement...
but we have to develop friendship with this person before we can love them.. love is to have that friend tht will be by your side through thick and thin...
this kind of thing doesnt spark over one glance, or a few beers...
maybe it does for some, i dont know - i wont say it doesnt; i just dont believe in it...

so i think what is important, is not that you go out in search of this soul mate.. but in search of compatible friends, people that you can spend time with and get to know, people that want to spend time with you and get to know you...
sometimes what we are searching for is right in front of us, but we cant see it for the desire to look far and wide for that which we seek... thinking that it must be out there, and not in here...

i am not versed in relationships, social interaction, even friendships or love...
i have fallen in love, and maybe the love was mutual, but it was not compatible and it burned to the ground along with me.. to be honest i dont think she loved me the way i loved her, which is part of the problem we face when searching for a lasting soul mate...

i know how it is to desire this now, to feel that time is running out and that we haven't the time to do these things.. that we need to just have it all right now... so that we can rest assured that we will be with that person indefinitely, but i think these are the things that we often fall into believing unrealistically... the fantasy is lovely, sweet, and full of bliss; but reality is full of disappointment, misleading cues, unrealistic expectations, desires, and hopes..
what we have to do is take the few things we can from the fantasy and apply it to the reality.. but with caution, because sometimes things we think we want are not what we want but a byproduct ...

i wish it was easy, i wish it wasn't like this at all - the way society has created these games that we have to play in order to find a mate, to find love even

but i guess its not... the important thing is for your happiness, for you to enjoy the ride, to take it easy... to not expect but to let things happen...

i dont really have good advice, but just the things that i hear in my head.. i cant speak from experience, but just from the matrix i live in... scenarios that i have lived in my mind...
i dont know how good it is to say any of these things, and i dont want you to take what i say as true because i dont know what truth is
i just want you to be able to relax, to allow the chance of meeting compatible friends that could evolve into more, try not to think about love at first sight... i think that is full of disappointment...

i dont wanna post these things because i dont like saying things i think, but maybe you can take something from my twisted words...
i really do wish you happiness, beauty is in the eye of the beholder - god speed...

[dexter]

That has alwasys been my philosophy Elevated... I spent my whole life figuring if I made friends someday a soulmate would shine for me. Never felt lonely, never felt the urge to rush the process.

That changed with my first bout of depression. I decided I needed to be more active. This did not mean changing my philosophy, but it did mean putting myself in more social situations in order to try to make more friends.

I'm very introverted so trying to make friends is very stressful and taxing for me.

It takes me a very long time to make close friends. Lots of acquaintances, no problem... But to open up to someone and to want to get to know them more deeply takes a lot of time.

Then to think that someone is special and may have my attention in an romantic partnership, almost never happens for me.

It has only happened for me two times in my entire life and both times I was rejected and led me to a deep depression.

I'm not interested in sex so that limits my outlets and who I will take a chance with in making friends. In the gay scene, a lot of men say they want to be friends but they are only interested in quick sex. I am looking for intimacy but no sex. I don't know who would want to invest in that, so far I've had ZERO takers either way.

Recently I've come to realize that all the time I was out there trying to make friends, not one single person has ever approached me to try to make me their friend and not one person I've friended has expressed an interest in something more than that with me... sex or otherwise. You'd think that in all of my time on this earth I might have been propositioned at least once if humans had any interest in me at all.

I was on a dating site for a long time adding people to my "favorites" list and after over a year I got a notification that I was added to someone else's favorites list. I had not realized that when I favorite someone they get a notification... And also realized I had been interacting with men on this site for over a year and not one person had enough interest before to put me on their favorites list.

People want and like to be my friend. Just nothing more.

I don't think that could be "never" but again, I no longer want to put in the effort. I not longer go out and therefore no longer meet any new people. I don't talk to or friend people at the diner etc so if I am not forcing myself into a social situation it is not going to happen. And I no longer want to spend the effort forcing myself into social situations. I've even stopped going to work functions or any other **** like that. Just don't want to anymore. Just want to stop.

[dexter]

Do I attempt to go back to 14 years ago before I had my first interest before I cared at all and just stay at home alone the rest of my life and accept that and be satisfied with it? The genie is out of the lamp and I no longer can cease to care. MAybe if I let them simply drug me up. But then what's the difference between that and suicide?

[elevatedsoul]

sorry about not seeing this...
you know i am young... but im not just interested in sex either... but i cant say that im not... but what i want is a friend too... but it seems the world has not this created what we are looking for... we try to do what we like and seek what we desire.... but those which we see are not interested in the least... for some reason our attractiveness turns people away... maybe because we dont try to undress them with swiftness... maybe they think we are not intersttedin in them because of this... its hard to tell someone these things without them giving us a chance... but i dunno what us can do... we just have to try... to believe...

maybe i would be fine and happy to die alone, but i am young and see it as a shame... for someone to be so talented and maybe even attractive to not have to someone share it with...
but it can be what ever... my one true love is marijuana, i'll take it to the moon
i love myself more sometimes than someone else cann love me...
but sometimes i hate myself more than someone can hate others...

maybe its all a perspective, maybe the perception doesnt matter...
the feelings and thoughts are lies
what we can do is survive... i do love you too, though i do wish you could have your friend... lonely people deserve more than we get... hopefully your reward will be great... if our prize is weighed in trials, then we will surely have gained many miles

[dexter]

They were trying to convince me that I can't predict the future and something might change and instead all they did was make me think about it all week and weekend and convince me that I was right the first time and I will always be alone for many many reasons too many to overcome.

Tonight I am actually back to feeling suicidal again with a lot of ideation keeping me from just trying to fall asleep and dealing with this tomorrow.

I tried going into chat for some distraction and support but only one room is occupied/active and several people in there are being nasty, name calling, and hurtful to one another. So I left.

Good job, Psych Central chat members.

[dexter]

Going to try to sleep again I guess.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry mate...
wish things could look up a bit...

this stuff sucks...
keep fighting with me... please....

[mugwort2]

I hope a restful night sleep helps. I too suffer from depression so I can identify. Wish I knew what to tell you. Could a change in meds help?

[dexter]

I've been sleeping well. Today I tried to walk to treatment again (it is only a 15 minute walk and I can practice DBT Mindfulness Walking while I go there) but I ran out of breath at the end of my block and thought my heart was going to explode on the short walk back to my house. Talking less than 3 minutes of walking. If I couldn't manage to meet people and make friends when at least I could have fun dancing there is no way I even want to try if I can't stand up and socialize for 3 minutes.

Went to DBSA again tonight but there was one disturbingly disruptive person there so I didn't even try to talk and I just ducked out quickly when it was over. This was not my regular group and I had no desire to try to stick around and get to know anyone.

I think I am simply out of steam. They encouraged me today in PH to make a choice about what I want my future to be and also to give myself permission to ponder the question without making an answer until I feel ready.

I do feel ready but the answer is that choice A trying to repeat the last 10 years in hopes of it turning out differently is not a choice I want and choice B accept that I no longer want to keep trying and decide I'll be OK being alone forever is not a choice I want (this is where I was long ago and I wish I had just left myself in that frame of mind then I would be alone and I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be depressed today) and all I really want is choice C to just end it all now like I wish I had done several months ago and saved myself all of this additional grief and effort.

I am just so tired and in so much pain, and there is no one around to miss me first hand except work.

And oh I got an email from work when I got home today asking to return the stuff for one of the projects I was working on at home. They want the stuff back they are taking the project away from me. So that was fun. After the DBSA meeting I put the stuff in my car, drove it there, and left it on my desk. They'll find it there in the morning.

[elevatedsoul]

these things suck...
usually when i speak up and say something i offend someone...
im just thinking what if we think about how the worse side of the river looks...
looking at how things could be.. i mean things bloody suck for sure...
but maybe things would be so much worse if something little was different...
i wish there was something easy and simple to say to make it easier...
we just have to rember to love our selve...
we could be terminal to last a few days... but we could make those few days last a life time...
please hangin there...

[dexter]

elevated soul you have never offended me. I appreciate your support and honestly it keeps me going to come here and see that someone has responded to my post. I am stuck in my own pain right now and not a reflection on anything you or anyone has said.

[DayAtATime1]

Dex - I feel your pain. Wish I had a solution. I know how exhausting trudging thru a depressed life can be. But try to be hopeful - things can change. You are not alone in this battle my friend!