Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I haven't been online for a couple of days. I'm back, but incredibly tired. My depression is really beating me up right now. Due to the party coming up, everyone in the house is really stressed, trying to get everything set up for a party that'll last three days. So tomorrow, I'll be cleaning more of the house. I just hope my emotional episode will calm down soon.

Been depressed lately. Can't get myself to do much. But I'm less depressed than yesterday.

Hi, checking in

Hard to say how I feel since I am in a demon deficit right now. All the personal demons that vex me have gone silent but I feel nothing, really

It's kind of like being in a room with a lot of noise, distractions and sussurus that prevents you from concentrating and hellish to speak and then, everyone stops talking, the song ends and they shut off the blender at the same time

And everyone is looking around, confused

Now replace everyone with my thoughts

Another Saturday is about to come to an end. I have two more days off after today. I guess it's alright. Was busy with my domestic stuff, but nothing on the social front. Saturday morning tends to be my favorite time of the week. But Saturday afternoon can make me feel very depressed. Sundays can, too.

I'm hoping things will be quiet at where I live. Sometimes neighbors have parties and I'm not crazy about them. Too noisy and too exclusive. There are times when I really hate summer.

Yes, Sundays used to be so depressing for me when I was still part of the working world. It still is, kind of, and my life isn't really any more sedate than when I was working. I can't go back to full time employment (i don't know about part time, mostly anything I could do would have to be in isolation) so I really am scared SSDI will make me go in to be reassessed.

The pos neighbors are out front, after ruining my day with the shouting and loud drums.

I can't even remember why I wanted to post.

Yes, I definitely need to just find a place quickly and move. The bass punchiness of that music is making me sick.

I have to get away from those p'sos.

And they haven't stopped making me sick from the chemical fumes. I don't want lasting damage from those sacks of *hit.

They are outside my windows having another day of endless partying. A day like thousands of others since they moved here. Shouting, drinking, laughing, loud punchy bass.

doing rather well today.

got some stuff done

Within the last 12 hours or so, I feel like I'm on a streak. Little things just going wrong. Last night was a good example as dinner was not that good, went to the pool area and it was crowded with little kids, and a movie I saw was not good.

This morning I decided to do the laundry before having to be at church at 10 AM (it's 9:45 AM now while I'm writing). I was a bit late getting to the laundry room. And then one washer had to go an unexpected extra six minutes. So I lost 20 precious minutes. So I will be late at getting to church this morning. Oh well.

So far everything else is going OK. I hope that it will be a good day for me and the rest of you.

i got really drunk last night to escape my loneliness but now i don't even remember going to bed last night or what i did. the gap in my memory scares me. of course i have a ***** of a hangover too, and my period decided to happen today of all days! also read in the paper someone is planning to hold an "anti-gay reunion" at a park in my town which makes me livid.

Not really depressed today but questioning the meaning of life. But I think it's more of a personal spiritual thing then depression.

Hi
Are you writing anything? I mean? Poems or something?

i have been trying to. mainly just revising older poems though...i'm still out of good ideas.

Have you tried writing prompts?

actually no... but that's a good idea!

Feeling kind if numb.

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Everything is just...dark today. Sad, troubling thoughts coming in and out of my mind, but above all, I'm bored. The internet is boring. Music is boring. Books are boring. Even the things I care about are boring, in a sense. I can't make myself care about anything and I just feel so empty, like there's nothing here, under the shell. I hate it so much. I wish I could make myself care, but lately that's too painful. Not long after I start to care, I get hit with so much nihilistic depression and anxiety I can barely function. Knowledge scares me now because it feels like being exposed to any idea at all scares me. And it's not worth it. It actually hurts to care, and it's so short lived.

I don't know what to do, but I can't stand many more days of sitting around and listening to videos and playing the same games over again.

Pretty busy day but not very exciting socially. I went to the church next door today. I feel like it's alright, but I'm not sure if I want to stay with it. I went there last week for the first time. I still feel kind of bad about leaving the church where my friend goes. It's weird that he and I ask each other, "how's church today?" when we went to the same place.

I did some laundry and then went on a two hour bike ride. There was going to be a BBQ at the church next door at 6 PM, but it seemed like no one was there when I got there. So I had dinner alone at home. I felt disappointed but at the same time it probably was not meant to be. There had been times when I didn't feel so good when I would go to BBQs.

My friend called tonight. It went OK. I don't know what we could do tomorrow. I would prefer him to come visit me but it's hard for him to make it my way. He used to be able to when he could drive. I don't like going to his place, but maybe we could have lunch. I wanted to talk to him privately about why I want to leave the church where he goes. He wanted to know why I wanted to leave. I think it's going to be harder to do that if I go to his place.

Hey all. I'm not feeling that great at the moment. Feeling really lonely and a bit sad. I'm hoping that I'll meet someone who I can connect with on multiple levels. I haven't been talking to many people today. Just stayed in my room and slept for most of the day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

You know those moments when you get a huge wheight out of you shoulders.
I did it! I had my thesis presentation this morning! It's done! Now I don't have to worry more about it.
I am not good at public presentations, I miss words, and I don't have quick thoughts, but it was ok. As a perfectionist I am I think I could have done some things better, but it wasn't that bad, I can't think about it or I will bring to my memory the could be better moments and I get disappointed at my self, thinking I wasn't good enough. But it was ok, I know it was ok.

So now, I am pratically a master, and I just have one more easy discipline to finish and my days as a medical student will be over. It's huge, it's frighting, it's releaving.

P.S. - just because I talk a lot about school (when I write in here), I don't mean to brag myself. But this is my life and my strugles.

Congratulations!!!!

Wish I had a friend to hang-out with today.

You can PM me if you want

I thought that I would have a friend to hang out with today. He and I sort of planned on it. This morning I had to call him and see what we could do. When I called there was no answer, so I left a message. He called back two minutes later saying that he has to go to Urgent Care because he has constipation. He said that he had it for three days. I had been on contact with him all weekend (we never got together) and he never mentioned that he had constipation. So I guess we're not going to get together today.

But then I was wondering if he's giving me the brush-off. Because I had stopped going to the church where we've been going. It's sad that I had three whole days off and we never got together.

Feeling very depressed and grieved today. This is the 4th and I'm supposed to be happy. I don't feel that way at all. And now it's back to work tomorrow and having to face the problems that I couldn't solve last Friday.

Now that the weekend is almost over, I feel all the stress coming back. I'm so worried about the while week at work, and I still have no idea when my ac is going to be fixed. It's supposed to be between 80-90° all week. I just want the week to be over already so I can stay home longer.

I got myself worked up to rant when I started this, but I lost it. There just isn't anything to say anymore.

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