Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I reverted back to my self-loathing self today (I hate who I used to be before I was 17). Part of me wonders how much a blank slate I used to be. I was always an imitator for the most part. I was fake. I couldn't even laugh like I meant it. I'm reflecting and I realized that that I may have been set up like that from the start. If that's the case, then that explains why I'm interested in so many things since people only teach what's convenient for them and sometimes don't even bother trying something really different. All this time, I felt like a defective puppet because of situations like that. It's not like I wanted to be different, it just happened on its own...

I have not posted on here for a while. So much had been going on for the past few days. Some of the eventful things that happened were not pleasant.

Earlier last week I had an unexpected run-in with my neighbor. She was saying that I have been telling other people bad things about her and her husband. I wondered how did she hear me? She went ballistic on me. I never was crazy about them. It's very common for people to say bad things about the neighbors at where I live. I felt bad for it, but now I don't regret saying those things since I found out her "true colors". That's why I want to get out of where I live.

Other than that everything has been OK. Yesterday was a good day; even though very busy with the domestics and not much social interacting. I was going to go on a date with a woman today, but that has been cancelled. I spoke to her last night and we argued about where we were going to meet (a long story). She became very insulting to me. So I called it off. It was a woman that I had known from another forum board.

Things here are starting up again. The freaks from downstairs started torturing me again, with loud voices from downstairs, and trying to spook me with the pretense (or reality) of speaking with some "authority" about my lack of sanity/abuse/whatever else they can gaslight me with.

They had mostly given up, aside from their loud karaoke crap. But now they're recycling the torture again.

Wow! This is sounding almost similar to what I'm going through now.

I'm so sorry. This is just the most vile kind of thing they can do. And my pdoc keeps telling me to find someplace secluded to live - if I did, I'd need a gun and a car. Can't live alone like that without self defense or transportation. I have no idea what to do.

Now I know why you want to move. I hope something will spook them and derail their abuse. In both of our situations.

In a kinda weird mood today. Maybe it's just boredom. Just feel like doing self destructive things...

Sad today. Don't think it's really depression though. I just wish my plans had worked out better. Not as down in the dumps as I usually am when I'm depressed so I think it's just normal sadness or possibly mild depression.

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I want to cry but I can't anymore.

Today was an alright day. I was going to meet a woman today but it didn't happen. That's OK with me. I spoke with her before I was going to see her and I didn't like her that much. So I ended going to the church that's next door to me. It's OK but not that great. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go.

Took a bike ride that lasted two hours and twenty minutes. I felt like I could have done more. I still have anxiety with bike riding; worrying about getting a flat tire. I wish that I could get over it, or have confidence in fixing it if it happens.

My sister called me today and it's the first time I've heard from her in a month. She sounded tired. But then I felt like I was out of it, too. We did have a pretty good talk. Though at times I felt like a failure in comparing to how my relatives are doing.

Been in a depressive episode since late April, and now it has into an agitated depression, coupled with paranoid thoughts (bordering on delusional), and voices again, hi. With the meds ths volume is turned down quite a bit. And active grief from my Grandpas passing back on July 17th, is making the depression and agitation worse. I'm also getting these thoughts that I don't exist, and no one and nothing exists, and just a figment of my imagination...

Need to make a decision, and then do something about it....just can't seem to get moving lately...the usual soothers are not working very well....would feel better if I could cry...bad dreams do not help...ah well...today the weather fits my mood, at least the birds are lively at the feeders...

I'm sorry you're having trouble with your depression and paranoid thoughts. When you talk about getting thoughts that you don't exist, etc., you know, sometimes I really think many of the depressed people (there are all different kinds and reasons for it) have trouble breaking out of their depression because they are such deep thinkers and are probably really smart! I hope you feel at least a little bit better soon.

Woke up with just no energy today. I don't know how to face anything at work, and I'm hoping schedule is a lot less bust than I remember. I just wish I could stay here in bed all day.

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I took photos of the cigarette ashes in the bathroom waste basket. The freaks managed to get ashes at some point yesterday afternoon or evening. I have no idea how they did it. The pos is taunting me with this, showing me he can get in here without anyone knowing but me. If I call the moron police here they wont help.

I am feeling lonely. Hoping that someone can send me a message? Thanks

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be awake or out of bed. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone. Everything is just pressing down on me and I can't focus today. If I didn't have so much **** to do at work today I'd be back home already on sick leave. I just can't do this anymore.

pretty stable day.

still annoyed my sterrio's still not working.

ugg having no music really sucks

If you have speakers on your computer, you can find almost anything on YouTube. But I hope you can get your stereo back working.

Been in bed all day, other than to shower and get something to eat, still depressed and agitated, hearing some.voices, but they're not as loud as they are without meds. Just plain down in the dumps today, depression (possibly agitated depression) sucks, especially mixed with grief...

It was pretty busy at work today. The morning started off weird as some strange stuff was happening. The cleaning lady at work told me that someone told her that I am supposed to have the job of ordering coffee and cups. I told her that my manager never told me that. The cleaning lady is hard to understand because her English is not very good. I called my manager about it, but couldn't talk to him because he had been in meetings. Perhaps on Tuesday.

Last night I got talking to my friend. I mentioned that the church I'm going to is having a Men's Breakfast this coming Saturday. He told me that he would like to come. I never asked him if wanted to come. I really prefer for him not to be there. But I would like to see him after the breakfast. He had just invited himself. I don't know what to tell him.

There's something wrong with my health. I had a seizure and two days this past week are a blur. My bf was with me but didn't call for help. I broke up with him (there was a lot more things going wrong). My computer crashed. I'm wondering what I'm going to do.. i can't get over him yet i know he isn't right for me. Almost makes me think i can't find some happiness in life or someone to love

I'm trying to read between the lines, I hope you've been checked up for the seizure. That's something you have to do, you just can't dump yourself.

Computers, they don't have a soul so I'm not too worried about it but you may have had something important on it, you can ask me if you need some extra help with that. It's more than likely, it's almost a certainty that any computer crash won't cost more than a brand new computer, you just don't need to give up on this.

Lastly, please remember that from moment to moment on every little decisions you have to make, you are stronger that you may think you're, if you're stopping, feel like giving up a little, that's just a transitional state till you get yourself moving again. Happiness and love, I don't think about stuff like that often. Please try to figure yourself out to be at 100% first, that's what anyone needs to givth, pulling strength out of something that's letting you still standing there, this is how we humans are smarter than computers, each and everyone of us have something within to boot ourselves back up.

The people I thought would have my back - didn't.

The T I trusted betrayed me and made up stories about me that were not true. I thought he was great and look what he did to me. My judgment ______s.

People I thought were friends - are NOT.

Some people I knew were untrustworthy and they proved me right.

I pray these people will have the same excruciating pain they gave to me. YEARS OF IT TOO. That's only fair.