Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I'm living in la la land. It can't go on much longer like this. I'm going to have to start doing something for myself. God, I hate being alone.

No energy, high depression, high anxiety work and personal, uneventful and lonely weekend makes for a very bad Monday. Thankfully my work day is over, just have an alcohol class I need to attend tonight. These classes aren't bad but they stress me out until I get there anyway. Why did I have to **** my life up so much? Why can't I be normal? Would I even know what normal is if I were feeling that way? Ggrrrrr I don't want to feel this way anymore!

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About to meditate for as long as I can, not up to 15 minutes yet lol. Not even close. New updates at work do not make our job easier and I often wonder if corporate reps that sit in their offices just have a huge sense of humor or something. There were times when people just had to wait longer, and that is fair enough. When the phones won't stop ringing though, or there are those few customers needing your full focus for a good chunk of time it's like ahhhhhh I cannot get caught up! So knowing I have 4-5 more days of that kind of sucks.

I was better when I got home, even got to collapse into my bed for over a hour. As I had such a small dinner, the food or tea has not made me less anxious really. It's like when the stress cuts into your time that you require to relax. Ugh. Oh well. Maybe I'll take some Passionflower also.
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Ok the attempt at meditating seemed to have helped. I won't necessarily be twiddling my thumbs until bed trying to have positive energy to do enough things I enjoy.

So everything just kind of sucks right now. I've been debating making my own thread about it, but I feel like it would only devolve into a complaintfest for me, and will only result in others telling me what I've heard time and time again. But I don't know what else to do at this point.

This is why sometimes I want to go back inpatient. I just need to put my life in someone else's hands for a little while.

Hi Ennui,

There is nothing wrong with a complaintfest. I'd say post it and get it out, see if it helps any. Everything does kind of suck right now!

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Feeling pretty rotten tonight. Was kinda going downhill anyway then got triggered more. need to just switch my brain off

You know? I was inpatient and helped me. Maybe it is not a bad idea

I feel utterly disgusting.

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It was a slow day at work today, but that's OK. It had been very hectic lately. Tomorrow looks like it could be a very busy day.

Been feeling depressed because my shoulder has been hurting. I have not worked out because of it. I may have a torn rotator cuff.

My friend leaves tomorrow and will be gone for a week and a half. I feel depressed lately when I get talking to him. He seems like he's negative about things. He hasn't seemed like himself lately.

Inpatient helped me too, at the time I went (in 2011). I was in crisis then. I'm not in crisis anymore, but I like the structure and support inpatient would give me, plus I feel like I kinda need some form of 'life rehab', because what I'm doing now is obviously not working, yet I don't know what else to do. I'm agoraphobic and stuck in a place with no real support.

I don't think I could go back inpatient right now though. I have a new insurance and don't even know what it covers. My parents keep me in the dark about this stuff.

Such a dreary day today. Not helping with my mood at all. Was up a lot last night. Anxious mind.
Feeling very alone 😕

I feel empty today, numb I guess. Either the agitation from my new med is passed, or I'm not awake enough to feel it. I'm also beginning to suspect it was the interaction between the new med and old one, and I didn't take the old med this morning. After 5 months, though, I wouldn't expect the old med to stop so quickly.

Just trying to get through work today so I can go home and crash. I'm so exhausted. I know my bf is going to try to talk me into playing some of the new game we just picked up, but I'm finding it so hard to get excited about it. I'd been so insanely excited to play it since they started advertising it last year, and now that we have it I just don't care. Maybe I'll feel better about it if I just get started, it looks like the type of game that will relax me.

Actually, I went inpatient several times in 2014 and 2015. The main reason was a physical illness but I got therapy and medication there, as well. Like you, I am living in a toxic environment and do not have a way out so far. I am working on solutions but frankly I am not sure if what I am doing will bring me to a better place, really. I just don't know :-(

Hi, Clara. Well you know, if you don't try to get out of it, it's less likely you will, right? I think you are doing really well because I'd probably curl up into a ball with my head in the sand if i had to deal with that. I'm thinking of you and praying for you. ((((((Gentle hugs)))))))

ETA well, actually, I'm still suffering from these neighbors and janitor, but it's way down in intensity. I'm extremely grateful to God for that. I think the SW might have talked to them because I told her repeatedly that they were abusing me.

I give up. Nothing helps.

That's good News!

Have felt down all day. I almost called in sick to work. I can't wait to get home and go to bed. I can tell the old meds are gone and new ones haven't started kicking in yet.

Forgot my meds today and felt like crap all day - almost cried and couldn't stop eating...damn. Haven't been this bad in a while.

Man, it hurts tonight. I'm seeing myself in a completely different way, and I don't think I can handle it. I need T to tell me I'm wrong but I'm scared that I might be right. I feel like I'm caught up in a storm, and I can't keep ahold of all the things I need, they just keep blowing away. The scariest part is that if I am right about this, there are so many things I don't want to change, but I'm going to have to.

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Was a busy day today at work. I have not worked out because of my shoulder. It's getting better, but still a nuisance. And now lately I have been getting bug bites. I don't know where they are coming from or what they are. It seems like during the summers I get them.

My friend is gone now on vacation. I really miss him when things go wrong; which I'm feeling now. On the other hand I feel like I don't like him as much anymore. It seems like he is changing.

feeling I've wasted time and burnt bridges. but there's nothing back there for me anyhow. SO I'm hopeful.

Stayed up most of the night with suicidal thoughts. It's getting more difficult to hold them back. It's been a rough morning so far, going in late to work and I have a lot to do today. I don't want to do any of it. Depression and anxiety are hard enough to control, losing your will to fight for your life is hopefully rock bottom. I can't imagine feeling worse than I do right now.

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I can't wake up. My life feels like a nightmare right now. I can't stop thinking that I know what's really wrong with me, and I'm terrified of it. I'm taking everything personal today, and I feel like raging over it. I wish I could just hide out today, but I have too much going on that I don't want to do.

Why won't anyone be my friend.

I'm so negative and darkly depressed right now. Feel stuck.