everything hurts so much like something tearing inside clawing and ripping shredding my insides. like there is something inside me trying to destroy me. like something is screaming inside me crying out but no one can hear it. i want to cry all the time and everything hurts so so so much i cant take it all i think about all day long is ending it all. i have been in and out of hospital the last 2 months. my head is not mine and i cant make it stop it never stops. but nobody cares everyone has given up on me i feel like i should give up too.

[Angelique67]

i keep bursting into tears i feel like i am getting sucked into a black hole deeper and deeper i feel horrible i cant make it stop it never stops i cant do this.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by eden1515

i keep bursting into tears i feel like i am getting sucked into a black hole deeper and deeper i feel horrible i cant make it stop it never stops i cant do this.

You should try to eat something, and take a vitamin.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

You should try to eat something, and take a vitamin.

that will not help nothing will help anymore.

[Fuzzybear]

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by eden1515

everything hurts so much like something tearing inside clawing and ripping shredding my insides. like there is something inside me trying to destroy me. like something is screaming inside me crying out but no one can hear it. i want to cry all the time and everything hurts so so so much i cant take it all i think about all day long is ending it all. i have been in and out of hospital the last 2 months. my head is not mine and i cant make it stop it never stops. but nobody cares everyone has given up on me i feel like i should give up too.

That is full fledged depression. I have those super dark days sometimes where it feels like it consumes me and there is nothing else but how I feel.

Want to talk? I'm here if you need someone to listen.

[elevatedsoul]

i have said these exact words ...

everything hurts so much like something tearing inside clawing and ripping shredding my insides. like there is something inside me trying to destroy me. like something is screaming inside me crying out but no one can hear it. i want to cry all the time and everything hurts so so so much i cant take it

cant give up... sometimes we're just misunderstood..
im sorry you are going through that... words just arent enough..
can you try to make peace with the inside, atleast for a little while..?
we have to rest from time to time, this seems to be a war afterall..

i got your back, comrade

[Sula B]

I cannot tell you how often I have felt the same and described it similarly. You have to simply look at the short term not the big picture. Try to go for a walk, eat something, have a cup of tea, phone a friend or go somewhere where there are other people even if it is just the local park. Sometimes it does actually help just to go to bed and pull the covers up over your head and sleep.

Just try to find something that will help you get through the short term and repost if you need support.

thanks i still feel horrible and my psychologist canceled on me so that is not helpful. it is a war yes but i dont think i am winning. i feel so horrible i cant explain it there arent enough words or the right words i dont know i just cant make it stop.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by eden1515

thanks i still feel horrible and my psychologist canceled on me so that is not helpful. it is a war yes but i dont think i am winning. i feel so horrible i cant explain it there arent enough words or the right words i dont know i just cant make it stop.

I had a manic episode just yesterday and felt exactly the same way! This will pass. Just like a terrible storm that can't be controlled, you just have to hang in there until it passes. All day yesterday my mantra was telling myself that I am stronger than my illness, over and over and over again. I didn't even believe what I was saying but I held on. You can do this! I hate that you're feeling this way because I know that pain all too well! We're here for you!

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I had a manic episode just yesterday and felt exactly the same way! This will pass. Just like a terrible storm that can't be controlled, you just have to hang in there until it passes. All day yesterday my mantra was telling myself that I am stronger than my illness, over and over and over again. I didn't even believe what I was saying but I held on. You can do this! I hate that you're feeling this way because I know that pain all too well! We're here for you!

it has not passed it never passes it just gets worse and worse and worse i feel horrible i feel like i am falling even faster i cant hold on i want to scream i cant take this.

Possible trigger:

all i can think about is killing myself all day every day i dont feel like i have any other options i cant make it stop and it hurts too much.

[totalsciencer]

Life is too short. And many things happen like we don't have any idea about to happen and many decisions we make we don't know about outcomes of those decisions. But its life and we have to beat our unwanted circumstances by making right and strategic decisions. We have to make strong thoughts and keep our self always passionate about positive things. We become the victim of Depressions usually when we are unable to react of negative things or thing which we don't like. When we leave other good and healthy activities and go in a deep sorrow about bad time and become the victim of anxiety and depression. So we need to schedule our day to day activities and time to make every minute fruitful and healthy. I also read at healthunits.com that if we spend most of our time in front of TV or computer and consume less energy so we can also be victimized of Anxiety. So we should always look after our habits and try to change what bad and good we are performing.

I have been doing all I can with my diet and exercise and it did nothing. I try and keep busy but I think I have passed the point of no return. Everything just hurts too much I can't make it stop I tried and failed I ruin everything and everyone would be better off without me and I can't I want to scream it hurts so bad I can't explain it.

[adam_k]

I don't think everyone will be better without you. I want to believe there is one person in this world that would sad or hurt if they knew you didn't exist tomorrow.

You're allowed to be in pain. Just because no one can see it or you can't describe it doesn't mean that it isn't real to you. I wish you had supportive people in your life and maybe one day you will be able to surround yourself with people who care.

Maybe learning some more coping skills will help you not be in so much pain. Getting better takes work, a lot of work. It feels like an impossible task when you don't even want to wake up let alone try to deal with painful talks and changing how you deal with thoughts and feelings.

I work in things one chunk at a time. I don't ever feel like I was or will get to a point t where I am "fixed" but life isn't always suffering for me anymore. I do have genuine happy moments between all of the darkness of mental illness.

[elevatedsoul]

when we think we are at the ropes end.. it goes further...
i can't even think for myself currently... i just know that im supposed to hold on to the rope with all i have...
because i dont want it to go deeper, because it wont stop pulling until you cut the rope..
but we cant cut the rope because we'll fall all the way..

sucky thing is that i was never good at climbing rope

but apparently i went to limits beyond the limits of my mental capacity, the ability to cope, ability to maintain...
now i am in limbo, i feel a lot of things too.. it hurts, deeply, much deeper than i have ever heard some one to explain... but the pain i feel is separate, it is chopped into pieces and placed into parts of my mind with an anchor, it wont stop the pain until i release the anchor... and i cant release the anchor until i learn what happened, understand, and come back into myself...

i am the pain, the misery, the suffering, i cant see myself, i cant feel myself, but i am effecting all levels of my own...
when the rope pulls up, i can see a little.. when the rope moves down, i can feel the motion...
but what have i become? but a shell that contains memories of once a painful past, inaccessible to the human that caries the life force...

it doesn't go away, time stands still while these moments are frozen in time...

i want to heal, to recover my humanity, emotions and rectify the feelings that i have so that i can complete a whole person and not be so... as i am...

in my experience no amount of drugs or alcohol have really helped, even the doctors drugs didnt help.. these things really cant be solved through quick fix or a drug... it is what we have become, something we have to learn...
then to struggle through the murky tar pits of the past... and to learn to allow ourselves to be... just to be...

a good trustworthy therapist is priceless along the journey... that is worth so much more than any drug...

although i'll take the drugs too for sure, when i come to i simply cant stand the reality!

i know how it feels to want it to stop, i want it to stop too... for you and i both
but when something is in full swing... i have rarely ever seen anything in full swing just stop...
but 'cashing out' of life isn't the way to achieve it... this creates ripples that reverberate through others, even if we dont know them some can be affected..

i am a pretty big burden on everyone here myself.... and i am horribly ashamed of everything with no escape or way to just fix everything and pretend like nothing happened...
but i refuse to let this war end easily... and i refuse to be on the losing side...
tonight we ride as champions

for dawn will not come until our enemies retreat to rest...
victory is a must







i dont want to lose another comrade to this war, i'll fight with the last walking finger i have- if but only a finger i have left..
fight with me

I have been trying to fight all my life literally since I was born and I am so tired I am exhausted and it just keeps getting worse people keep telling me it will get better but it hasn't happened it has only ever gotten worse I try to believe them but then history has proven otherwise. It isn't my head anymore and they won't let it go it hurts I can't even I just it is so painful I can't take it I just I can't do this.

[elevatedsoul]

i know.. i block so much out that i cant even think straight right now...
i dont even know whats going on, to be honest..
but if i wasn't doing this then i would be in the other state and i cant bare the pain..
when it happens and it comes to the surface it is absolute hell.. followed by complete mental torture...
i dont know how my mind is doing whatever its doing, and im not sure if its good or bad or if i like it or not... i just know that its taking me away from who i am, that life, right now i dont have a life, a past, i dont remember anything - besides seeing some type notes in my head that i can read to keep me intact enough so that i dont completely lose touch with my self... months have past in just a few seconds it seems.. and i dont even remember any of them..

im still arguing with myself alot, but its happening in a way that im not even paying attention, i guess.. i forget easily at the moment.. plus i keep reminding myself that its my internal war, and just trying to see it for what it is.. so that i can try to work on things... which i have been getting worse for the past.. um.. i dunno, like you said i've just been getting worse since i was born.. its a horrible thing to have to try to deal with for so long, to never really know how to relax - never have been able to relax... not know what happiness feels like, to not know the simple things that everyone else seems to understand so easily and just not be able to make sense of it because its locked away somewhere and not allowed

when im doing battle.. i have physical strength, but mental power can bring down the largest armies.. if you can convince them to take themselves down, you dont have to do much besides coercing .. but you dont want to destroy them, you want to convert them.. so that their armies can work for you and you become much stronger...

we can say many many things, but even the most eloquent writings have difficulty with this.. i have read alot of really awesome things, inspiring, truely mind boggling you know? but still not have an effect on the war inside

we can take a sloppy writing that is incoherent and find beauty in it.. find message that can make complete sense, just as well as the eloquent.. its how we let our mind perceive, interpret... what we take out of a message, something that we can use to give us hope.. a little inspiration... just a little, just enough to keep fighting.. so that hopefully we'll get the boost we need very very soon, just enough to keep going until we can hit the top and conquer these adversaries..

i know that i am so far out there right now that i cant really put these words together in a well way.. but i just want to be here the little bit that i am here for you because i want you to feel better, because im driving myself crazy right now too and if i didnt have the ability to turn everything off i dunno where i would be... the pain really is unbearable, when you have frozen memories we have to try to release them some how i think... but i have no idea how to do it.. i dunno if your pain stems from same thing that i deal with, but either way its not good.. and if you've had traumatic experiences then we just really have to try to work through it some how... i think from the traumas the pain stays because we dont release it, because we wont accept it and feel it completely or something..

i have no idea how it works because i dont even want to think about it - its super icky and i totally get it... i feel like im being pulled in every direction too, ripped apart on the inside... clawing and screaming, but i dont express it and i guess i dissociate heavily..
just part of me knows that i have to remember everything and accept it for it to change, but i dont want to

just have to try to survive... keep surviving... dont let them win...
anyone/thing on the inside is stuck with us too, so might as well either ignore each other or try to get along right? just sometimes stuff on the inside seems so much stronger than i am, i guess when you know more then of course you stronger...?
but i dont think anything inside is trying to destroy me atm so i am so sorry that you are feeling so much hurt.. i dont get along with myself very well, but im just trying to keep going until i can figure things out and make things better ... dunno why things on the inside want to cause so much chaos and harm, i guess thats what up with all this mental stuff.. maybe pain is all we know and something needs to keep it going because its scared, i know i can be really nasty to myself out of the blue for no reason at all, think things are being ok and all of a sudden BAM POW BOOM CLASH

i dunno if it can get better either, i know everyone says that it can and does get better... but i dunno, i dont know what better would be like, but i do know that i dont want to miss the chance at finding out what better could be.. know what i mean?
if i quit now, i'll never know and i really would like to know what its like

are you with a therapist you feel safe with? i cant remember if you said so or if i asked already
im just a crazy guy that just wants you to be safe.. so you can hopefully have a chance at finding out what 'better' means too.. and i think maybe having a good therapist that can talk and listen and understand is essential..

are you on any medicines? i was on a bunch of medicines but they didnt really do anything.. besides couple knocked me out cold and i sleep for a while but even them after a year stopped knocking me out

the mind, what a crazy thing... a beautifully ugly fuzzy beast to cuddle that cant escape
i wish i knew better words to say.. i try to let my battle wounds make me stronger.. even though its taking my energy and draining everything i have, eventually i should be callused enough for the blows and attacks to not even phase me, right?




we're here for you.. many people here

[tgwwtl3]

I also know this feeling all too well. I so wish there was something I could do or say to make some of the pain go away, but I know how hard it is to believe anything anyone says or does in that mindset.

If you need/want someone to talk to I'm here for you. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way. You can do this.

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i know.. i block so much out that i cant even think straight right now...
i dont even know whats going on, to be honest..
but if i wasn't doing this then i would be in the other state and i cant bare the pain..
when it happens and it comes to the surface it is absolute hell.. followed by complete mental torture...
i dont know how my mind is doing whatever its doing, and im not sure if its good or bad or if i like it or not... i just know that its taking me away from who i am, that life, right now i dont have a life, a past, i dont remember anything - besides seeing some type notes in my head that i can read to keep me intact enough so that i dont completely lose touch with my self... months have past in just a few seconds it seems.. and i dont even remember any of them..

im still arguing with myself alot, but its happening in a way that im not even paying attention, i guess.. i forget easily at the moment.. plus i keep reminding myself that its my internal war, and just trying to see it for what it is.. so that i can try to work on things... which i have been getting worse for the past.. um.. i dunno, like you said i've just been getting worse since i was born.. its a horrible thing to have to try to deal with for so long, to never really know how to relax - never have been able to relax... not know what happiness feels like, to not know the simple things that everyone else seems to understand so easily and just not be able to make sense of it because its locked away somewhere and not allowed

when im doing battle.. i have physical strength, but mental power can bring down the largest armies.. if you can convince them to take themselves down, you dont have to do much besides coercing .. but you dont want to destroy them, you want to convert them.. so that their armies can work for you and you become much stronger...

we can say many many things, but even the most eloquent writings have difficulty with this.. i have read alot of really awesome things, inspiring, truely mind boggling you know? but still not have an effect on the war inside

we can take a sloppy writing that is incoherent and find beauty in it.. find message that can make complete sense, just as well as the eloquent.. its how we let our mind perceive, interpret... what we take out of a message, something that we can use to give us hope.. a little inspiration... just a little, just enough to keep fighting.. so that hopefully we'll get the boost we need very very soon, just enough to keep going until we can hit the top and conquer these adversaries..

i know that i am so far out there right now that i cant really put these words together in a well way.. but i just want to be here the little bit that i am here for you because i want you to feel better, because im driving myself crazy right now too and if i didnt have the ability to turn everything off i dunno where i would be... the pain really is unbearable, when you have frozen memories we have to try to release them some how i think... but i have no idea how to do it.. i dunno if your pain stems from same thing that i deal with, but either way its not good.. and if you've had traumatic experiences then we just really have to try to work through it some how... i think from the traumas the pain stays because we dont release it, because we wont accept it and feel it completely or something..

i have no idea how it works because i dont even want to think about it - its super icky and i totally get it... i feel like im being pulled in every direction too, ripped apart on the inside... clawing and screaming, but i dont express it and i guess i dissociate heavily..
just part of me knows that i have to remember everything and accept it for it to change, but i dont want to

just have to try to survive... keep surviving... dont let them win...
anyone/thing on the inside is stuck with us too, so might as well either ignore each other or try to get along right? just sometimes stuff on the inside seems so much stronger than i am, i guess when you know more then of course you stronger...?
but i dont think anything inside is trying to destroy me atm so i am so sorry that you are feeling so much hurt.. i dont get along with myself very well, but im just trying to keep going until i can figure things out and make things better ... dunno why things on the inside want to cause so much chaos and harm, i guess thats what up with all this mental stuff.. maybe pain is all we know and something needs to keep it going because its scared, i know i can be really nasty to myself out of the blue for no reason at all, think things are being ok and all of a sudden BAM POW BOOM CLASH

i dunno if it can get better either, i know everyone says that it can and does get better... but i dunno, i dont know what better would be like, but i do know that i dont want to miss the chance at finding out what better could be.. know what i mean?
if i quit now, i'll never know and i really would like to know what its like

are you with a therapist you feel safe with? i cant remember if you said so or if i asked already
im just a crazy guy that just wants you to be safe.. so you can hopefully have a chance at finding out what 'better' means too.. and i think maybe having a good therapist that can talk and listen and understand is essential..

are you on any medicines? i was on a bunch of medicines but they didnt really do anything.. besides couple knocked me out cold and i sleep for a while but even them after a year stopped knocking me out

the mind, what a crazy thing... a beautifully ugly fuzzy beast to cuddle that cant escape
i wish i knew better words to say.. i try to let my battle wounds make me stronger.. even though its taking my energy and draining everything i have, eventually i should be callused enough for the blows and attacks to not even phase me, right?




we're here for you.. many people here

i am trying really hard and yes i am with a good psychologist i just dont know what to do anymore my head hurts everything inside hurts i dont think it will ever stop i think they have trapped me i am stuck with them forever.

[elevatedsoul]

im glad you are working with someone

i hate being trapped

i of course can only speak for myself because i dont know your situation..
when i was actively fighting, like really really fighting myself things were bad bad... like it seems to fight makes it worse for me, im not sure what happened... but its not so bad right now.. dunno how long its been like this, but im really disconnected and just with alot of confusion.. but its better than fighting with those ... well, whatevers..
i hate fighting especially when you cant run away from it...

i think in the beginning it didnt matter that i was trying to stop fighting.. begging and pleading for mercy because im not trying to do anything on purpose, but eventually it seem to ... im not sure... its not stopped really but i cant hear it so much because im so far away
im not really sure where i am at the moment
but im in a nice little bubble... its not really nice, but.. ill take it...

i honestly dont know whats wrong with me, besides im probably just completely insane...
but i guess maybe its like this for me now because im trying something new.. the inside is curious if it can get better, if it can work..
i hate having a bad memory

do your psychologist know whats happening with you?
is there something new you can try out..? maybe you are having these intense feelings because you really feel no way out... maybe we sometimes think that things have to be a certain way for them to be better.. but we dont see how things can be different and be better too, without being the way we thought it had to be.. ?
maybe sometimes there really is no way out.. and we just have to fix up the place to make it tolerable

i dunno, i dont think about it right now.. cant

i hear the saying, if life gives you lemons.. make lemonade
i have spent a long time trying not to be crazy and trying to appear normal, now im just like - if life gives me crazy, im going to make crazinade .. but maybe the crazinade will be really tasty, even if its not tasty then atleast im using all this crazy on something ..
and keeping myself busy juicing all the crazy berries


im not really sure what im saying, i cant focus at all

i keep saying to myself "i dont know what to do" too and "im trapped"
i hate being trapped

i hope i dont say something wrong, its really hard to focus... probably shouldn't even be here right now sigh

im going to get in bed and stare at the ceiling or something
pleze hang in there

[Widespaces]

Originally Posted by adam_k

I don't think everyone will be better without you. I want to believe there is one person in this world that would sad or hurt if they knew you didn't exist tomorrow.

You're allowed to be in pain. Just because no one can see it or you can't describe it doesn't mean that it isn't real to you. I wish you had supportive people in your life and maybe one day you will be able to surround yourself with people who care.

Maybe learning some more coping skills will help you not be in so much pain. Getting better takes work, a lot of work. It feels like an impossible task when you don't even want to wake up let alone try to deal with painful talks and changing how you deal with thoughts and feelings.

I work in things one chunk at a time. I don't ever feel like I was or will get to a point t where I am "fixed" but life isn't always suffering for me anymore. I do have genuine happy moments between all of the darkness of mental illness.

What a great post! Thanks for thoughts. Your post has been the only thing that has made me feel better today. Hang in there Eden. I know how your pain feels.

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

im glad you are working with someone

i hate being trapped

i of course can only speak for myself because i dont know your situation..
when i was actively fighting, like really really fighting myself things were bad bad... like it seems to fight makes it worse for me, im not sure what happened... but its not so bad right now.. dunno how long its been like this, but im really disconnected and just with alot of confusion.. but its better than fighting with those ... well, whatevers..
i hate fighting especially when you cant run away from it...

i think in the beginning it didnt matter that i was trying to stop fighting.. begging and pleading for mercy because im not trying to do anything on purpose, but eventually it seem to ... im not sure... its not stopped really but i cant hear it so much because im so far away
im not really sure where i am at the moment
but im in a nice little bubble... its not really nice, but.. ill take it...

i honestly dont know whats wrong with me, besides im probably just completely insane...
but i guess maybe its like this for me now because im trying something new.. the inside is curious if it can get better, if it can work..
i hate having a bad memory

do your psychologist know whats happening with you?
is there something new you can try out..? maybe you are having these intense feelings because you really feel no way out... maybe we sometimes think that things have to be a certain way for them to be better.. but we dont see how things can be different and be better too, without being the way we thought it had to be.. ?
maybe sometimes there really is no way out.. and we just have to fix up the place to make it tolerable

i dunno, i dont think about it right now.. cant

i hear the saying, if life gives you lemons.. make lemonade
i have spent a long time trying not to be crazy and trying to appear normal, now im just like - if life gives me crazy, im going to make crazinade .. but maybe the crazinade will be really tasty, even if its not tasty then atleast im using all this crazy on something ..
and keeping myself busy juicing all the crazy berries


im not really sure what im saying, i cant focus at all

i keep saying to myself "i dont know what to do" too and "im trapped"
i hate being trapped

i hope i dont say something wrong, its really hard to focus... probably shouldn't even be here right now sigh

im going to get in bed and stare at the ceiling or something
pleze hang in there

you didnt say anything wrong and i dissociate a lot too i am just so tired i am trying to hang on but it is so hard everything is hard i feel like i am on the verge of tears all the time i just dont know what to do anymore.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by eden1515

I have been trying to fight all my life literally since I was born and I am so tired I am exhausted and it just keeps getting worse people keep telling me it will get better but it hasn't happened it has only ever gotten worse I try to believe them but then history has proven otherwise. It isn't my head anymore and they won't let it go it hurts I can't even I just it is so painful I can't take it I just I can't do this.

People say that it gets better. They may be telling the truth but it doesn't get better on its own usually. If your in a bad place often it takes work and making good decisions to get better. It's hard and and get feel utterly hopeless.

It takes work and for many people it doesn't get better tomorrow. Keep working with your psychologist and deal with things the best you can. It may take a mile to get better, but every step you take in the right direction gets you closure. I hope one day you get close enough and don't hurt so much that you can find a place where you feel better.

Originally Posted by adam_k

People say that it gets better. They may be telling the truth but it doesn't get better on its own usually. If your in a bad place often it takes work and making good decisions to get better. It's hard and and get feel utterly hopeless.

It takes work and for many people it doesn't get better tomorrow. Keep working with your psychologist and deal with things the best you can. It may take a mile to get better, but every step you take in the right direction gets you closure. I hope one day you get close enough and don't hurt so much that you can find a place where you feel better.

I have been trying just failing I am doomed I don't know what there is left I don't think I have the energy to keep trying much longer.