[biiv]

i dont read in this forum because i cant stand entering a forum and not reading every single post thats in it. if i dont im afraid of missing stuff so i intentionally dont read forums i cant keep up with so i intentionally miss stuff instead of accidently. go figure. i was going to post this in general and then realised thats not right because it really belongs here. i dont feel i have a right to post anything anywhere right now, especially not in a forum i dont even read in but im reaching out because ive at least gotten to a place these days where i realise that is a solution sometimes and also i figure if i do and no one responds at least it clears up for me the doubt that everyone avoids me. im just back from T. im so depressed i can hardly move. i cant think. i dont know what to feel about anything. i dont understand myself. why do i always tell my T half the story and not the rest? its not like the parts i leave out are important its just then that after i leave i feel like she only has half the picture and i worry then that she doesnt understand. why also do i have these urges that seem to drive my whole life? i cant get away from them and i cant talk about them. im scared im sabotaging myself. i know i am. i just dont know why or how to stop. im scared im attention seeking. seeking for someone to love me and for some comfort. why would i do that? i have people who love me and i can get some comfort sometimes when i need it so why is this not enough? what is it im looking for from people and why cant i stop needing it or give it to myself like you re supposed to? why do i dwell so thoroughly on certain pains from the past? am i magnifying them out of all proportion? is it me thats torturing myself and not the events/people from the past? i dont feel like im ever going to get this figured out. why does this **** keep on and on and on and on and on coming back?

[bluebearTIN]

I just read your post and somehow i'm able to relate to some things you're feeling. The thing that it seems your past is hunting you, and you can't figure why. It's hard to forget something or someone from your past no matter how you say to yourself that past is past. And that person is living his/her life now. For me, lately i'm thinking why all the people around me seems to be living their lives but i'm left standing on the same ground and still clueless what path i have to pursue. I'm not getting any younger i'm 27 and i feel alone, unloved and unaccepted. But still I know deep in our heart there's still this lil' hope that we can pull out of this depression. I know i can't be of any help perhaps i just want you to know that there's someone who knows how you feel and somehow praying and hoping that we can get through with this. Coz that's whati'm feelin' now, my friends keep distance from me coz i'm way way down there when i really needed someone to help me through.

[Sabrina]

I don't really have many answers for you biiv but I just wanted to reassure you that it is ok to not post on other threads. I didn't come to this forum for a long time because my depression is mostly in remission and I felt terribly guilty! Not only that - I was afraid of bringing myself down if I came here. For the time being I seem to be coping - so I visit here. But I don't visit every thread and I have finally allowed myself to stop (or at least I try) feeling guilty about that.

You have a right to post any where you want. This is a support forum and when you need the support - there is always someone around to give it.

Seeking love and comfort isn't seeking attention. Not in a bad way in any event.

I'm really sorry you are struggling so much right now. Please know that you are welcome here. We all understand!

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( biiv )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Doesn't it always seem we have more questions than answers? I don't know if this will help or not, but it's part of what I did for myself to get out of my depression and funk. I made lots of lists of things....what I wanted from life, what I wanted to give in life, where I wanted to go, what needed healing, what needed more exploration etc etc. While everything seems to be going in circles, no place to break out, I found a way. I took one thing from those lists I made and worked completely on that one thing until I felt I had made sense of it and felt good about where it was in my life. Then I picked another thing to work on.....so on and so forth. It wasn't easy and it didn't all come together over night. But what it did was to give me some direction.....and when I succeeded at one thing, it gave me the strength to continue.

Sometimes the successes are small....sometimes large. But for each one you must celebrate it like there is no tomorrow! Like I said, I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope so.

Hugsss
sabby

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((biiv))))))))))))))))))))))))) Please never feel that you are not wanted in a forum or shouldn't post. You are welcome here anytime. I am jut happy that you are reaching out.

Would it help if you journal to your t with more information? Then you have time to think through your thoughts and hopefully she will get a better picture. Maybe you can also explore with your T what you are seeking out of the relationship. It sounds like you and your T have a good relationship maybe the two of you can brainstorm some together.

BTW welcome to the forum.

BB

[biiv]

hi bluebear,
im sorry you can relate to some of the things. im 27 next month and outside my life is coming along great but inside i know what you mean about feeling alone and even at a stand still. a lot of the time i feel completely outside 'society' because i just dont understand how people are 'normal' so i cant be like them and, yes, they dont accept me. the depression just sucks me down now and then when i realise how 'wrong' i am as a person. i dont know if that makes sense. sigh.
im sorry you re so far down right now. you did help me though so thank you for that. hang in there
biiv

[biiv]

hi sabrina
thanks for the reassurance. i do feel very bad about it because i know others here are suffering, people i care about, and i cant bring myself to share it with them but then i go and ask people to listen to me.
everyone here is so kind and i just dont deserve it. im so disgusting and ashamed and screwed up and i should just stay away but i need contact too much.
im sorry. thanks for answering. and im glad your depression is in remission btw.

[biiv]

(((((((((((((((((sabau)))))))))))))))))))) thanks for the hugs. not that i deserve them but thank you. your idea of lists sounds like a good one. i might have to do that. how do you know what needs more exploration though and what you need to just stop dwelling on? you are one wise lady.
thanks again
biiv

[biiv]

hi bipolar_bear
(((((((((((((((((((bipolar_bear))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you too for the hugs. i love hugs though right now i feel too dirty and sick for anyone to touch me.
i have a great relationship with my T alright. at the moment shes confusing me though. probably because i seem to be very triggered every time i go there so i cant grasp simple things and i end up being scared and believing the worst, even of her. i really wish life was just a little easier.
thanks again bear

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((((((biiv)))))))))))))))))))

That's a great question you ask. I think the whole idea behind the lists is that you just pick something, anything at all. It's not so much what needs to be worked on more than the other, or what you should just let go of. The process of picking ONE thing and working on it is the idea behind it. It can be something relatively easy to work on or it can be something really hard. Make the choice that "feels" best to you. Maybe you can write one thing on a slip of paper, then another on another slip of paper. Throw them into the hat and pull one out. You can start with some small things at first if you like....small goals that you have been putting off like, ummm say, cleaing out the closet, or working on a special craft, or sitting down and finishing that book you started a month ago.

Whatever things YOU feel need to be worked on is all that matters. The process is to help you take steps to the direction of accomplishing something. The feeling you get at reaching your goals and accomplishing a task (no matter what the task is) is what helps drive you forward to the next one. Once the task you have chosen has been worked on and solved to your liking....stick it on the Accomplishment List! Watch how that list begins to fill with more things.

This will help with at least 2 very important things in your life - 1. It proves to yourself that you can work towards positive outcomes and 2. It lifts your self esteem to wonderful hights and pushes you forward.

Oh, and btw...you ARE worthy of love, support and hugs! You are no different than anyone else here.....you are a human being with wants and needs....just like me So here's another hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((biiv)))))))))))))))))))))))

xoxoxo
sabby

((((((((((((biiv)))))))))))))))))))

how i wish i could give you a cuddle right now. i know where you are coming from. if you like read my post in creative or depression about how i've been, you know what i was like a few weeks ago, i could be reading about myselfreading your post, i felt, and sometimes still feel like you about my demons and being loved and giving love. but there is hope. i'm living proof. pm me any time. i know how you feel, sending you a big cuddle ((((((((((((((biiv))))))))))))) please never lose sight of the fact it does get better, it took me nearly losing my family, it gave me a kick start to begin healing properly and havingan aim in life. nothing seemed right to me, my life, my thoughts, my past. i am aiming to be a councellor first then maybe n to be a pdoc- it will take time but i want to make a difference. there is not enough help out there. rest assured you are loved and cared for here, please keep posting about your feelings and keep talking and crying if you can, it helped me rid me of my ghosts to a certain extent. i'm lucky, i've found a wonderful pdoc who was abused herself and she isfantastic and helps me through without trauma.
biiv you will get better, believe in me like i believed in you all and sabby.

love you, jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo

[biiv]

((((((((((((((((((sabau))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you.
i think i ll do that.

[biiv]

(((((((((((((((((((((kerry)))))))))))))))))))))))
i knew i was glad you came back.
i think you would do a lot of good as a counsellor or a pdoc. especially in the uk. i will read your post though i have some idea of what you ve been going through. im so glad you re doing better.
right now my head hurts and my heart is dead. ive just ruled out so many of my bad coping habits i have none to fall back on so im just sitting here not able to use the good ones. i have to try. but i dont fecking deserve it! why cant i just shut up? ok im going to ... do something. i dont know what. something to get me moving. maybe. or maybe i ll just sit here. maybe i ll make tea. thats what i ll do. and take some painkillers cos i cant take this headache anymore. its verging on migraine.
thank you for being here jinny

[Sabrina]

Oh you are none of those things biiv! That is your depression talking, telling you evil lies!!

I am also so glad that you acknowledge that you need the contact. That is an achievement even though it does not feel like it.

Continue to post - there will be a time when you are in a position to support others - for now - lean on us and let us support you!

That is what we are here for!

I might not always be able to help but I will always be happy to listen!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( biiv )))))))))))))))

[seeker1950]

Hi, Biiv,
Good to see you here again! I saw your post about being back here on PC and I didn't respond, but felt a warm welcome to you nonetheless.
I like Sabau's suggestions about lists. I make lists myself, not about major things, but just little tedious things that must be accomplished. I had a big list of such things that i"ve gradually checked off this past week, and I feel a sense of accomplishment at having attended to them!

Now, about emotional pain and depression....There are different kinds of pain...some kinds stem from events and interactions, relationships (of which I've known much), and some stem from lifelong conditioning. Which, if I may ask, do you think is causing you distress at this time...or is it both? I have experienced both, as I'm sure most others here have as well, and I may have some insights for you regarding either.
And, oh, yes!, I too have felt totally whipped and depressed upon leaving a therapist's visit.
Love
Patty

[biiv]

hi sabrina,
thank you for responding. i just got back online yesterday evening and its so nice to see a message when i get back. am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. one of these days i will grow up and stop being so pathetic. im sure! lol.
thanks for listening. listening is helping btw.

[biiv]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thanks fuzzy. you make me smile.

[biiv]

hey patty.
i havent had a chance to make any lists yet. maybe thats something i could do today to try to get myself feeling better. procrastination always makes things worse.
thats a really good distinction between kinds of pain patty. i had never thought of that before. um. i think its a mixture at the moment. feeling a bit off keel after operation and having to spend time at home with my father afterwards but maybe more from the 'lifelong conditioning'. that is if that means that the same things have been bothering me for ages or if it means that maybe i dont know any other way to be? i would love hearing any insights you might have please.
thank you patty

[stefano]

YESS! I know that!
There has been a time when I ALWAYS left the therapy with a clear knowledge that I had left important things unsaid. That was year 1 and maybe 2 of therapy.
For me it just took time before I solved the problem. Now T is way more fruitful (year 5). Uhm, maybe you should really WRITE DOWN what you have to say before the T. Then you immediately take it out and say it.

I clearly remember that at one point, being frustrated by yet another depressive episode, one day I entered T, sat down and said "the last thing I'd like to tell you is..." and I revealed the MOST embarassing detail about me. It didn't make any particular sense, but I broke a taboo. The therapist was ready to work on the issue.

Do you think you could try this?

The best of luck

[biiv]

wow. that took a LOT of courage. maybe i should try something like that. i couldnt do the most embarrassing thing because i wouldnt know which to pick. lol. but something i absolutely dont want to tell her... maybe i just should even if it is for no particular reason at the time other than to 'break the taboo' as you say...
thanks much for that idea stefano. and fyi im just starting my second year of T.
thanks again
biiv