Deserving to be Lonely

I have a real problem with being alone sometimes. It's one of the main issues behind my depression. Even though I'm trying to learn how to be alone without getting depressed, I'm not there yet, so I keep a little network of people that I can usually reach when I need some company.

Well, lately, almost all of those people have been unavailable, for a wide variety of reasons. But instead of me being able to say to myself that it's just a coincidence, I think that everyone must have grown tired of me, because I'm not worth anyone's attention, and I just use this as a reason to think I don't deserve to have anyone in my life, that I deserve to be lonely and depressed. And no amount of people telling me differently gets through that belief that I'm alone because I'm an awful person that no one could ever really care about.

Why do I always fall back on that same old feeling that I'm worthless and don't desever anyone to care about me? And what can I possibly do to fight that feeling?

mj

Very good question mj. I am glad you posted this. I don't really have an answer for you as my stuff isn't all that different but I think you'll get some good replies. I hope they help. You deserve to feel good and have special friends in your life! I think our parents suck The truth is, these are old tapes ... about being worthless and undeserving. They need to be thrown down the ***insert icon***
Easier said than done.

My stepmother said "you should be punished all your life". When I am in bad place, I sometimes believe her
But, frankly, it is $&*%^
You deserve good things ...

((((((((((((((((((((mj))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

(((((((((((((MJ)))))))))))))
Sorry that you are feeling lonely MJ; as we've spoken about this a few times, this is also my biggest problem. I think there are a couple of things going on...perhaps it is mere coincidence that your friends are all unavailable at the same time, but I know that because of my depression I have pushed many people out of my life over the years; but also, people really don't like being around people who are depressed. Even the people who we think "get it" can only handle it so much.
I struggle with depression really badly, but really can't tolerate being around others who are depressed for too long.
Hang in there, and as you become a healthier person, I think you may find that your "friends" may find more time for the "NEW MJ"
HUGS<
Jon

KICK THE CABLE HABIT!!! http://www.vmcsatellite.com/?aid=84152

Hi mj

I have to say "ditto" and I think I'm a great person to be around, I don't think I'm not worthy of attention, my friends are very busy, and yet still I feel as if there is a "conspiracy" to neglect me. I'm alone now all day every day and it really gets to me.

I think it may have to do with the way our brains work... everyone's brain... and how depression interferes with the normal working. One thing that is amazing about the human brain is that it works constantly to seek out and recognize patterns of all sorts. It's like a fundamental operation of our brains OS and it is a great part of our ability to learn and invent... without trying our brains make connections, finding patterns in everything, and we use those connections to help understand how the world works... physics, chemistry, math, society, people, language... everything.

The funny think about this pattern search is that a lot of times it "tricks" us... it looks so hard for patterns that it finds them where no true connection exists. This is why we see animals in clouds. Looking at a speckled ceiling we sometimes see faces.

We take that stuff for granted, but it is a high function of the brain... the same pattern matching that lets us recognize faces (which is a REALLY difficult thing to do, but our brains make it seem easy) and recognize printed material no matter what typeface it is printed in, even handwriting, even BAD handwriting. Even text that is broken from wear and has parts of the letters or even whole letters missing.

If you draw three sides of a square on a piece of paper, you can still identify it as a square... because the brain finds a "pattern match" with the drawn elements and is able to infer the missing line. We easily recognize the stick figures that our children draw as representing "people" and the crudest configuration of lines we easily identify as a "house."

People often match patterns subconsciously when there is a serious historic event or something in our lives. We can find a series of numbers as part of an article in a newspaper and think something prophetic is going on because the numbers "match" some aspect of our lives... there's nothing "supernatural" there, just our brains working overtime "behind the scenes" to find a pattern and then shout "hey look I found one!"

All reports of secret messages in hidden old books are a result of this. Entire cults are often built around this, finding connections in old books that seemingly predicted current events. Our brains make these connections so strongly that no amount of logic can prove to us that something mysterious isn't going on. In the case of the "predictions" it is notable that the predictions are only found AFTER the event has occured (so it really isn't a prediction, just pattern matching of an event to text) and they are NEVER able to find a "pattern" in text that describes something that has not yet happened. It can also be shown that such patterns can be found using ANY book, old or modern, but applying the same pattern search technics. It really is an interesting subject.

So I think that the feelings of lonliness are also a result of that pattern matching. Our depressed brains "filter out" anything positive and only "see" negative things, pessimism, and paranoia. But our brains are still working "behind the scenes" furiously looking for pattern matches as it does during every waking moment.

So while we KNOW that our friends aren't ignoring us, that they still like us, that we are still worthy of love and affection, our depressed brains won't let us BELIEVE that because it subconscioulsy picks out all the patterns that match in our friends behaviour and it equates those patterns to conspiracy, dislike, distrust.

We can't shut that pattern matching function of the brain off. So no matter what we know, when we are depressed our subconcious brains are always on the ball looking for "proof" that our friends no longer like us.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

i so know how you feel......... the last week, or two weeks ago, whatever, both my therapist and dr were uot of town, therapist was unreachable totally........ those two [people are the only living, warm blooded, real , in person support i have.,......... i paniced, i felt like i NEEDED someone, just someone there, i didnt' want ot be alone, eveb if i had gone to campus with who knows howmany 1000snd of students........... i'd have been alone......... i hate it

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

I've felt the same {{mj}} No advice or anything, I still struggle with it.

Dex--I must say that is an excellent post...it explains alot.



<font color=purple>Pain can indeed be a beautiful thing</font color=purple>

((((((((((Jo)))))))))

I understand how you feel....acknowledging the feelings helps though. Personally I think you are a great person....full of wisdom, kindness and a gentle spirit. I don't feel that anyone deserves to be alone when they have so much to offer. I also don't think that anyone could be tired of you. You are definitely worthy in my book....worthless does not come into the picture at all. Please remember that.

I am going through a lot of these same feelings myself lately....I wish I had words of advice for you but the only thing I can think of is to talk it over with your therapist and us here. We think so much of you. Don't let anyone make you feel that you are not worthy hun. Surround yourself with those that do love and care for you.


Heather

Thanks, Fuzzy. You deserve to feel good, too. And you know, as long as you are my friend, I *do* have a special friend in my life!!!

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

jon,

Thanks. I know you are struggling with the same issue. I tend to isolate when I'm depressed, so I push people away at the very time I need them most. Maybe what I ended up doing this time was leaning too much on the people that I knew couldn't really be there for me, and just setting myself up for the loneliness that I think I deserve.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Thanks, dex. You sure gave me something to think about. You know, when I'm doing ok, it is a lot easier for me to see the benign reasons for things. But just like you said, the depression hides all of that, and the only conclusion that shows is that there's something terrible wrong with me.

*hugs*
Jo

P.S. You know, I love my little avatar, but since the Flyers lost, I just can't bring myself to use it. I hope you're not offended.

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

cleomaru, thanks for the reply...it does help to know that I'm not alone in my feelings.

Welcome to the forums!

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Thanks, Beautiful_Pain.

Yes, our dexter sure is a smart guy, isn't he?

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Thanks, Heather. You are such a sweet person. And I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar...I know how crummy it feels, and you really deserve some good times. But one thing I have learned this weekend is exactly what you said. The best thing I can so is surround myself with those who love me...and there is so much love here, it's meant a lot to me.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

not me... hold onto it for next season

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

MJ,
This is really a rhetorical question, so it doesn't need a response, but what in the world would give you the idea that you deserve to be lonely?
None of us deserve this curse, but we don't have to roll over and take it; we DO NOT have to believe the lie that we are worthless. We DO NOT have to believe the intrusions into our minds.
(((((MJ)))))
Blessings,
Jon
PS. You are worthy of friends, and MUTUAL companionship.

KICK THE CABLE HABIT!!! http://www.vmcsatellite.com/?aid=84152

(((((((((((((((((((((((MJ)))))))))))))))))))))))...

XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

You should never feel you are an awful person, you are a terrific person. If you feel lonely you can always chat to me or PM me, though it is cyber, I am real.
I know it is easy for me to say here, but we do care for you and so many of us think you are a lovely person, and your pets do too
Got to run I am at a library in VA right now.

Take care,
DE

(((((((((((((((((((((( mj )))))))))))))))))))))

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

(((((((((((((((((((((( hugs you tightly ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am not at home so I can not put my pretty ones up

<font color=purple>
take time to heal thyself before trying to help others, or you will never get better

{{{{{{{{{{{{Jo}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry for being so late to see this thread. I got behind on reading this board again, but I just want you to know how great I think you are and that you deserve to be happy and not to be alone. Everyone else's replies were great, so I don't have much to add. Just recognizing your patterns and how you might be setting yourself up to feel bad is a huge step forward because then next time you will be that much closer to being able to stop yourself and notice the pattern before it gets very far. It's so easy to push people away, or even just convince yourself that they are tired of you and don't want you around. I know because I do it too, and then I panic and think that I have goofed up and lost the friends I had. You are definitely not alone in this, and I hope you will consider me to be a friend even if I can't be there in 3-D for you.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

Golly...please forgive me, everyone, for taking so long to reply. What y'all have said has meant so much to me, and I'm sorry I have not told you this sooner.

Jon, the reasons I feel the way I do are fairly involved, and I really am not sure I understand those reasons completely. To make a very long story very short, it became part of my internal mechanism that helped me make sense of the world, and cope with things. But, like all other negative coping mechanisms, there is a high cost.

I have been able to recognize the cognitive dissonance in this belief. I don't believe that *anyone* is worthless, so to believe that of myself is illogical. I am working on being able to feel what I know, but I'm not there yet.

Thanks for your words...you made me think, which is always a good thing.

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Thanks, Peanut. You have always been so supportive and caring...that means so much to me.

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Roe,

Thanks so much...you have been a big part of my "support network" for a long time here, and I value your friendship.

And you know, those little furry guys really do help...my friends tell me that I spoil my little beagle something awful. But I think the truth of the matter is, I need to hug and cuddle and spoil him, and he gives back every bit of affection tenfold.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Thanks, Trish. You have such a good heart.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

mj, you are so cool! I love what you said about the cognitive dissonance It is so true, although I hadn't heard that term before

Love,
Fuzzy

Wendy,

You reply brought to mind that old camp song, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." I think that same idea can apply to online friends and 3D friends. Both are so valuable, and I treasure my friends here just as much as those near me that I can see and touch.

I am working on that next step, from recognizing the patterns to being able to interrupt the cycle. And you know what? Part of that process was for me to actually tell y'all what is going on with me, instead of just hiding in my problems. The best part is, I've had such wonderful feedback and support and ideas here, it really has encouraged me to continue working on more positive steps.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>