Me, too :(

Since a very early age I wanted to do something creative - I think the first thing was writing. But here I am, at almost 29 years of age, at a dead-end data-entry job, with no achievements of any note under my belt, but with a crippling social anxiety. And also with a university degree in a subject that I frankly now abhor, and have done almost since beginning to study it.

It goes without mention that I have almost no friends. In fact, the only person I'd consider a friend I don't know when or if I'm going to meet again, because he's my friend by the dint of being (or possibly having been) my sister's boyfriend, but my sister and I stopped talking to each other 2 years ago and then she moved to a different city (the boyfriend lives in yet another city).

I work from home and feel less and less (to the point of insignificance) connection to my employers or coworkers, with added anxiety of feeling like I could be fired at any minute because of how disposable I am.

I can't even find community online. Most of the time I can't contribute anything and can only ask for help (like here), which makes me feel like a freeloader. Nor am I ever able to find a role or identity of any significance, always remaining a random stranger, partly because my social anxiety extends to online stuff.

And a little under a week ago I had something like a breakdown. It had to do with a work task that I've always hated, but this time I couldn't face it for a couple days, even though it could be completed in around an hour. And since then I've mostly been watching Youtube and playing a videogame. You'd think a break would help, but every time I leave the virtual world I remember that if anything is going to change it'll be for the worse (I get fired), I feel lonely and helpless, and also afraid to move out of close vicinity of my house.

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I know you can't help, but maybe it'll help to just offload this onto the Internet.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I can understand many of your issues. You're not alone. Hugs coming your way.

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I can definitely relate to not feeling like you have not achieved anything in your life, and that your potential is wasted. I feel a similar way (25 years old, part-time job at a fill crew position).

Although we may feel old, we still have plenty years of life left and can make big changes in ourselves. Personally, I'm paying off my college loans and then plan to attend college once I do. Have you thought about going back to school? Perhaps for something you actually enjoy?

Thank you, guys. I don't really know what to say. I mean, first, in my country there's no such thing as student loan, and I can't imagine how much more overwhelming that would be. But at the same time, I'm not earning nearly enough to pay for additional education. However, I've never felt like the things I enjoy come with education (like writing, you know). Also, I think maybe my first stint has taken too big a toll on my psyche. I've been kind of getting panic attacks in situations similar to a classroom.

being creative has no relation to your education or job or even life circumstances ... it has to do with passion ... when you find that passion ... then other factors can come into it ... you do not need to socialize for that ... now the hard part ... finding that passion ... it must come from within ....

ps: I learned avoiding a hard part ... just makes it worst ... it starts a cycle that gets more and more stressful ... a small event will just grow out of proportions .... you must learn to face those head on and right away ... I know very tough ... but you must make yourself ... it truley is the less stressfull way ...

life gives us what we demand from it ... find that passion ... and you will find there is not enough hours in the day for it ... good luck my friend ... glad your here ... please stay with us ... and post as you need to ... Tigger .

Well, I suspect that I also have anger issues, I snap easily, but also posts like that make me angry, because they sound like I don't try hard enough which implies that I both don't deserve what I want but also don't deserve to be upset and complain about it. It might not be the intention of the poster, but that's how my mind tends to interpret it. Although I guess it's less likely to be correct here than elsewhere on the Internet.

Also "a small event" - by this point I don't have a way to express how much I hate this job. And I can't complain about it, either. Because if I do it to the job people I'll just get fired, and nobody else can change anything.

I'm sorry. I can relate to some of the things you wrote.. Lots of hugs for you..

Thanks. I visited the office today. Well, sort of, only said a couple sentences to a secretary, but tonight I'm feeling a little bit more sane. Although when I came home I still freaked out and desperately wanted to connect to someone. But I really don't trust online interactions and don't have access to offline people aside from shop assistants, but interacting with those doesn't seem to help at all. And my mom, of course, but there the relationship is very much marred by my resentment of the fact that she had a hand in making me this.
And here's my problem with online interactions: I'm going to post this and have to go to bed. And before falling asleep and after waking up I'm going to worry about writing something wrong and getting or not getting replies. But I just can't abandon this connection.

Well, here's a cheerful update: my mom, in her late fifties, who also doesn't have any amazing career prospects, might lose her job and live off social security. In that case I think we're literally going to live in poverty, and my output has been gradually declining because it's more and more painful to handle the work load that I have.

Although it's one aspect of anxiety off the table, I guess, because it doesn't really make sense to bother with dentist appointments now since I don't have the money for that.

First - you are neither a freeloader nor insignificant. Your job as a data entry operator is nothing to be ashamed of. Many people don't have jobs at all. Some neither want jobs nor to apply for disability or assistance of any kind but rather just go to food pantries, soup kitchens, stay with relatives, etc. You are still trying to support yourself and you are doing so with a well paying job - I know from being a data entry operator once myself.

Anxiety - whether social, general, or otherwise - is also nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it causes you to have more problems in life at times - but they are not situations that cannot ne worked with. Try putting a few drops of 100% therapeutic grade lavender essential oil on a bit of cloth or tissue and carry that with you whenever you go out - whether it's to work, the grocery store, or just social places. Then if you start feeling yourself getting anxious, take out the tissue or cloth, place gently over your mouth and nose, and breathe for a min or two. It will help you calm. You can also try diaphragm breathing (without the lavender). You can do that while sitting or standing. If you are sitting, you can try visualization.

If you have problems with dissociation when your anxiety gets top bad - also carry a tissue or cloth with a few drops of 100% therapeutic grade cedarwoood essential oil. Use it the same as the lavender. Alternatively, if you are sitting down - and able - you can take your shoes off and gently rub your feet on the floor in circles, to bring your senses back to what is "real".

Don't worry so much about the background of your friend being your sister's ex. This is your life. That is her life and her past, not yours. You cannot control her and her behaviors, thoughts, beliefs, or actions, nor should you try. You can and should, however, control that of your own. It is your and his choice what relationship you do or do not have with each other - nobody else's. Don't let anything nor anyone else interfere with that.

You are stronger than you believe yourself to be all you need to do is look deep within yourself.

❤

You know, I can really relate with a lot of what you've been writing here. My self-criticism is a huge monster as well and it's torturing me slowly from the inside.
Sometimes (or a lot of times) all other people can see is the result of that torturous internal negociation with the voice of the "never good enough". The voice is the critic, but it's plugged into this invisible and hateful belief about myself.
Maybe you can relate...Hope not, in a way..

I want to believe that this will get better too, that the monster will fade some day. The truth is, it's been with me since the beginning maybe, but its voice varied in intensity over time.
Maybe we can learn to live with it.
Though right now all I want is to kill it somehow.

Maintaining contact and making friends online seems hard for me too, maybe also because of the constant self criticism and fear of dissapointing people. So here the key would probably be accepting that I am okay, abandoning the "there is inherently something wrong with me" belief..But this one takes time. I think. I've tried, was working on it but I feel that now I'm back at square one. Or maybe I'm close to solving it...I don't know.

So yeah, also just want to say, feel free to write to me if you'd like.

One thing you can try to improve your self love, self respect, and self worth:
Make a list of 10 things that are good about you, no matter how small (you can make them bigger later if you want)
Tape the list onto the mirror at eye level but just off to the side of your sight.
While looking into the mirror, recite these words:
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am amazing.
Nobody can take that from me and here's why:
(name the 10 things)
I can do this, no matter how steep the climb nor how high the mountain!"

Do that 4 times a day the first 2 weeks.
3 times a day the next week.
2 times a day the next week.
1 time a day the next week.
Then just when you feel yourself getting down on yourself. (Do that the rest of the weeks too).

You will feel weird doing that at first, but it will help a lot.

You can do this!
I believe in you!

❤

Thanks, although you probably know that it's not going to happen. (That was in reply to subtle lights.)

The problem in the friend situation is that it's kind of fun when we meet in person, but we only meet in person when the sister is involved... And I've got his various contacts but I just can't do anything with them. I also feel ashamed because he's been a witness of some of my many failures. In fact he already brought up my previous project last time he was over, and I said that it all adds up, but I don't know that it's true. It hasn't up till now, and I feel almost no hope. Meanwhile, he's started a business.

The problem with the job situation is that I get paid according to my output, and my output has decreased by a third since last year. Not to mention current month which is a complete disaster so far. But I'm looking at yet another task that I'd rather scratch my eyes out.

Perhaps slow down. It sounds like you are either setting too many or too high of goals for yourself at the moment. Try taking baby steps again. Back off to what is comfortable. Then after you are relaxed for a week or so, try doing a little bit more (not a lot). Slowly increase what your expectations of yourself are - and don't worry what others around you may say when you slow down a bit. Just do it for you. You will get back to where you want to be again, but do it at a pace you can feel comfortable with.

As to your job, yes I remember that - but I also remember there was a bare minimum you had to meet. Try for that for a month or so - then start pushing yourself a little at a time again.

You can do this!
I believe in you!

❤

Thanks. This may sound ungrateful (I'm not intending it to be) but I've done somehing similar already. It worked somewhat (or so I thought) until it didn't. I think first we need to recogise where we are at and accept that and then change comes if it's the right time. We cannot force it.
This is why I'm usually relucant of giving pure advice. I think being with the pain and validating the person is more important in most cases. When you cannot move you cannot move. If there is someone supportive with you though, that might actually help to seek out change.
But some people might just want pure advice, I don't know.

So what do I do? I find it hard to accept that this is what my life is going to be - constantly working on not burning out at a job I hate. What I've been trying for a little while is developing a videogame, but the more I learn about it the more overwhelming it becomes - the success stories of a single developer working for 10 years without breaks are my nightmare fuel - especially having to keep this job to support myself. And I guess I'm an innately single developer, so it's not just about time, but also being skilled in so many fields - coding, art, sound, eventually PR (yeah, right). But what else do I have? I've got no idea. I'm into foreign languages, but that's basically useless (beyond English) with social anxiety.
Again, I don't expect anyone to help, but I have to continue this.

Generally I do give supportive commentary as well - this time I did not and I apologize. I am not entirely sure why I did not I cannot remember my thought process but that doesn't matter - the point is, I am sorry to have overlooked the most important part of responding to these posts - human connection and heartfelt compassion. Your response to the poster of this thread reminded me of parts of my past. I went through years of abuse at the hands of people I loved and trusted - different people at different times. I also went through violent trauma and severe enotional (but non-abusive) trauma. Because most of those things occurred between the ages of 12-19, I understood myself to be no good, nothing, unworthy of love, a quitter, I was stupid, ugly, and other people's stepping stone. In fact, I accepted that idea of me. I was ok with it. I was only miserable with the life it meant I was to lead. But because it had been ingrained in me since I was 12 that this was who I was, there was nobody that was going to convince me otherwise. Oh, it was good to hear occasionally - but that's all it ever was, a very rare occassion. So why believe it anyway? I kept getting in one abusive relationship after another even after I turned 20. Seemed I must somehow deserve abuse - right? Even more reason to believe all those things about myself. It wasn't until I wound up in a domestic violence shelte a couple years ago and someone told me over and over ...how good and strong and valued I am. She also told me I needed to believe it, not just hear it. The thing with doing things like I described is you need to go into it with a positive attitude that "this is going to work because it's true". It's also true that later in life you will have experiences that will cause you to question those things again. At that point, you look at yourself and ask yourself - is there anything I have changed about me since I learned I am a good person? is there anything I (not anyone else) would like to change about me to make me happier? how can i make those changes (if there are any)?

I stand by my conviction that you are strong and that I believe in you.

(Sorry I wrote most of this last night but lost connection)

Well, but where do you get that positive attitude to start with? I guess in your case it was from another relationship. Maybe it's always from a relationship. And if there's no relationships?... I mean, if I consider a situation in which I suddenly became successful, I'd... actually probably feel undeserving and selfish and anxious because I believe that you're supposed to share, but I wouldn't be able to do it because it would mean interacting with other people... and at this point I can stand only very limited amounts of that.

Except this place where I anonymously let loose a stream of consciousness.

Would it be possible to return to college for a degree in video programming? Perhaps that would help you along in your project. There are many online colleges you can attend now.

If you don't want to do that maybe you can get into the field of doing the background effects in filming or music performances. There are many different angles you can take with the studies you have, and that's good - it gives you many opportunities and choices.

I can understand why you feel overwhelmed though. Taking on computer programming is tough, especially video programming - then when faced with the big possibility you may not be successful enough to support yourself, it seems insurmountable. Here's the question though: Do you enjoy game programming? If you do, I think that is half the battle. Many people do not enjoy their jobs ever (like you with your data entry job), they just do them to pay the bills. That sometimes happens even with people who have earned degrees - because they chose to specialize in something that left very few options for job types and were unable to find openings. You have many opportunities and if you can return to college to study some minor type classes once you figure out which direction you want to head in - many things will open up for you I am sure (that's if you don't like the programming). If you do like programming - just keep at it til it takes off - once it does, you can drop your "dead end job". No matter what you do, its always good to have a "fall back option" just in case the first doesn't work out or takes longer than you thought it would to work out. That's especially true when it comes to the more artistic fields of employment. Doesn't mean it can't be done - just means you need to be prepared for let downs too. You don't have to stay at the same "fall back option" of a job either (currently data entry) - if you are really dissatisfied with it, start looking around for new employment but don't give up the data entry til you have a new job.

I never imagined myself going through "dead end job" after dead end job either - but life happened. I became pregnant at 17, got in a huge fight with my dad over it (he made sure I had to give up my child), so I left the house at 18 and had to support myself. Since my stepmom kept taking me out of school on unexcused passes, they messed up the diploma I was getting, and I was unable to get scholarships, so there was no college after high school for me. I struggled supporting myself as a merchandiser - til I got in a car accident that totaled my car. I then tried to move in with my Dad but he said I had to pay rent (with no $ and no job - yea right!) to sleep on the couch. So I moved across country to live with my aunt and became a CNA. When I moved out on my own again, CNA was not enough to support me and so I became a part-time waitress. Once I stopped working as. CNA, I went to data entry. That was enough to support me without the waitressing. Then I moved again - and became a bill collector. After that was when I ended up on disability. I never ever thought I would be on disability. I was ashamed of that for a long time - but now I'm aprreciative of it.

I am confident you too will find your way to peace within yourself, but it does take a lot of time and soul searching.

❤

You know, besides the fact that I don't have the money, I really don't want to enter a setting where the understanding of my limitations would be hard to come by, so to say, which in my experience excludes educational institutions... In fact, I fundamentally don't trust my country's education system after my experience within it. During the end of it and after, I tried actually studying subjects I was interested in on my own - bought textbooks, did flashcards. But all that got me was derision of people on the Internet for being a jack of all trades and master of none. But for some reason cramming disparate random subjects in the university was great.
So yeah, I'm stuck in my past and bitter about it, what's new.
Actually, my degree is as a chemistry teacher, and beyond the fact that I can't function in front of a class, chemistry is the subject that I hate now. So I can't really apply as a programmer, because they always want a computer science degree, and it's useless to consider overselling myself.
Sorry, it's not constructive, but kind of therapeutic to offload this.

Sorry things are going so bad for you. I can relate. I can't work due to all my issues and I'm waiting on seeing if I qualify for disability. Even if I do it barely pays enough to get by on... Meanwhile I also have been described as creative but can't manage to put pen to paper. I'm older than you but the. Issues are the same. Good luck, hope is all we have!

Thanks, no need to be sorry. And thanks for sharing your experiences. I will answer shortly because I don't feel so good right now...Just one thing I'd like to mention, and that is that I do think that it is not only valid to feel however we feel but it's also natural to go through some tougher phases in life. That doesn't mean one should suffer but it's normal to be down on the floor and be unable to get up for a while. While there are lots of good advices and techniques, it doesn't mean that the person can't do them or doesn't know how to do them or has been doing them wrongly (as a lot of us feel when we are depressed and others come and tell us what we should do)
I do believe there is a time for everything. And. yes, techniques are good to be accessible but sometimes a person is not in a place to do them.
And then what I see is two people talking to each other but they are like in parallel universes/on different frequencies. And maybe that's okay too, if we accept that it is normal.
Again, hope I wasn't too aggressive in this reply, was not my intention at all.
Just needed to write this out and thank you for giving me the opportunity

@ArcheM Sorry, I didn't want to deviate your thread

It's no problem. In fact, thank you for keeping it alive. I'm kind of afraid that it dies, and then where do I go? It's the only place where I can just talk. Everywhere else, well, it's either I post after I've spent a week's evenings working on a thing and it's still worthless, or I can't really contribute anything because I'm not an expert and can't offer any advice. Altough I can't offer any advice here either, but I'm going under a tacit assumption that there's less bashing for that here, especially since it's my own thread.

I am far from being an expert but it feels good to relate to people...because somehow there is always a connection somewhere. I usually write from that place, I'm very pro-equality and diversity. Even though a lot of times I also feel that what I write is completely useless and other peoples' stuff are somehow more valid. Which I don't think is true, at least at the moment.
I don't like to give advices here, though in real life I can be kinda obsessed with how to do something right...Which is not too healthy.
It's usually less bashing on this site in general, otherwise I would have already run away screaming
And keep posting