Burned out and depressed.

I'm spending hour after hour just wasting time doing nothing. I didn't go see him yesterday. Just felt too tired. So I did nothing. I've had all the rest I need and I can't say I'm tired. But I have no interest in anything. I should eat something. 2 p.m. and I've done absolutely nothing all day.

I go up and down too. I definitely need my recovery day after a hard working day. I take my diuretic every other day, even tho my dr wants me to take it every day, but i cant be peeing every day like that. But i can tell that my mood is down until it enters my system.

Its hard not getting down on myself on my down days. This morning on PBS, on the Barry kibrick show, they featured christopher phillips who wrote a book, a child view of the world. Anyway one quote barry liked was, "to persevere(?) between discouragement and something else." I guess i should have written it down. I might still buy the book.

Thanks for your input.

My S.O. spent the 2 weeks in the nursing home. It did benefit me. I had time to address things I've neglected. Still have more to address.

After having him home now a few days, I am feeling just lousy. And we're not getting along that well. I told him I may not be able to stay with him much longer.

This week coming up I want to see if there's a better quality nursing home that might take a Medicaid patient. I read an article that said the better places tend to have waiting lists. If they have empty beds and no private pay applicants, then they will take a Medicaid patient from their waiting list. There is a non-profit home I want to check on.

I tell myself that an episode of depression blows over eventually. But I am having frequent episodes too close together. I can't let myself keep going downhill. I've told him this. I've told him he could try being nicer. But I'm losing hope that I can keep this arrangement going. There is nothing to sustain me in this situation.

I feel sorry for him. I hated seeing him in this place he was just in. Small, cramped rooms. The bathroom not kept very clean. They never shaved him. Food was crappy. I have to look and see if there's any better option.

I get up to feed him or tend to him.
Then I just go back to bed. I'm not even sleepy. I'm just that depressed. I've lost interest in sitting with him in the living room. I feel like he shows me nothing, other than he is a bottomless pit of need. It's so lonely being here. I don't want to keep living like this. He was supposed to have passed away long ago. But here he is. He could go on for quite a while. I don't think I can take too many months more of this. I wonder how I made it this far. Right now nothing interests me. It's awful.

The reality is, he is a bottomless pit of need now. I just think you have to take this plan seriously, and find a home for him that you feel is good enough care. Then make baby steps to take care of you.

You've extended yourself to the point of exhaustion and deep depression, I hope things work out for you. I'd love to see you happier.

Thank you. Nursing homes have gotten worse over the years. I may not be able to find one that I could feel okay about. But I plan to look at two.

I am awfully depressed. His stay in that place for two weeks seems to have caused more decline in him. The first week he seemed okay. But the second week he was going down, especially mentally. So I took him home a day early.

I remember when there were better nursing homes. These chain corporations that run these nursing homes for mostly Medicaid patients run crap holes. A place can sort of look okay when you walk through it quickly. You have to go there day after day, watching what does and doesn't get done for your loved one. He got only 2 showers in 13 days.

I think what will happen to me someday. I could very well end up in one of these awful places. I think I would do absolutely anything to avoid that.

I wish my life was over.

I was supposed to take him to the VA for a podiatry appointment. I'm not going to do that. Since 2:30 a.m. I've been a wreck.

I tell myself that these bad episodes always pass. Then I am okay and I wonder why I was so upset. But I've had too many bad spells too close together.

I don't know what's going to happen to him or me. I have no hope.

Hang in there, @Rose76 This sadness will pass, I'm sure. Just remember that you have ALL of PC supporting you. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME as my inbox is ALWAYS open for you. Please be kind to yourself and remember to do what you can. Take WONDERFUL care of yourself I sure hope things will improve soon for you both! Please be kind to yourself as you're enduring a lot. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and him, Rose76!

Nursing homes do suck. I remember years ago, the bath schedule was one bath a week. The urine smell was strong. I understand that you don't want to leave him there. At least, I try to put myself in your shoes and I cant, but .. I just hope you find something a bit better and realize you've done all you can, and it's so hard for you to lose him, I wish you didn't feel so alone. You can p.m. me too, here for you....

I reached out in a few directions. It was a few texts. I received texts back that were sympathetic. The one I sent to his daughter got no response. No surprise there. Couldn't type a few words. Maybe that's part of the problem - feeling just utterly taken for granted. Some people guard their time and attention like it was gold. His family doles out their few crumbs of encouragement and appreciation very sparingly. He raised them, so maybe that reflects on him.

I think about why his daughter offered no kind words. The calculation tolling around in her brain right now is wondering is my reported attack of the blues is going to lead to her being inconvenienced in any way whatsoever. It's unhealthy for me to stew in old resentments. I just can't help thinking how I've carried a lot for so long with so little concern for me being shown.

I'm just getting worse.

I offered to go get my guy a Hamburg or KFC. After he criticized my dinner last night, I'm not cooking tonight.

Yesterday was a down day for me. I'm not keeping the place very tidy. But it was not a disaster. I been keeping the kitchen in good shape. Got the fridge cleaned out very nicely yesterday. Organized a cabinet I use a lot.

But a surface in the living room that happens to be right in my bf's line of view has a pile of clutter that's been there a while. With the kitchen more under control, I was planning on working in the livingroom. After giving my guy a shave, I sat down for a bit. So he started complaining about the cluttered surface near him. I know it's hard for him to look at it. But he just harped on it too much. So I went on strike and stopped caring about getting anything done here today.

I decided to stay in the bedroom and just amuse myself online. Usually I keep him company and talk to him a lot - to keep him oriented to reality. If I don't, his dementia escalates. But today I made myself scarce. Sooooo . . . . . he started hallucinating. Yup. Now, if I deprive him of sufficient psychic stimulation, he hallucinates.

This was not an act. He did not will this. It was real. The content was somewhat paranoid. And it was real to him. So now I can't go off in a corner and sulk when I'm mad. I have to keep him engaged, mentally . . . or . . . he will start hallucinating. Then I get scared that I might not be able to being him back.

This didn't start yesterday. It's happened a few times. But now the pattern is clear. If I absent myself from his presence to show that I am unhappy about something, I risk tumbling him into frank psychosis. Then I have that to deal with.

I took a double dose of Ritalin and some hydrocodone to try and counteract my demoralization. It actually helped. Now I'm trying sleep deprivation to reboot my system.

I'm sorry now I didn't go to bed hours ago. Being over-tired is making my tinnitus sound very weird. Since 2011, I've had worsening tinnitus. I hear my own pulse, which changes when I am awake too long. I wonder if some of my stress doesn't come from this constant noise in my head. I better put the bedroom TV on to drown it out. I better take my meds and maybe have some wine, cheese and crackers.

A social worker and care coordinator are coming tomorrow. I'll be a mess like the living room. I'll feel embarrassed. Maybe I should just say, "Well, Ladies, as you can see, I can no longer cope."

My bf and I are both becoming psychotic. I did so well for a few years. Is this how it will end? No feeling of pride in a tough job well handled through to its conclusion. Instead, me becoming crazy. The both of us becoming crazy and authorities stepping in. I'll just be a disgraced crazy lady who fell apart trying to handle what became too much for her. Now I'm crying. Another failure to add to a life of failing.

It's awful to feel a failure. I see now why some who used to be close to me distanced themselves. They saw the failure pattern. I didn't even realize, until recently, what it was that made them change toward me. I see now why failure drives some people to end their lives. I don't think I'm quite that bad off.

I'll have to figure something out. I think I'll cancel Internet service to this apartment. Maybe then I'll spent more time getting housework done.

You're not a failure, Rose You're trying to cope the best way you can. Sometimes things get too hard or outside of our controlo and thast's perfectly ok. No shame in that. Please don't be hard on yourself. I'm REALLY HAPPY someone is coming in tomorrow. Hopefully they'll be able to help you. Keep us updated if you wish. Please be kind to yourself and try not to neglect your own health - both physical and mental. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. I wish I've had better advice to give to you. I will listen though. Remember that you can always PM me when you wish. Stay strong, Rose. Take things one hour at the time, as it says under your profile picture. You've got this. You just need someone to help you. There's no shame in that, it's not a failure on your part. You've done everything you could have done. Now it's time for others to step in. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Rose!

How are you Rose? I often check this thread to see how you both are.

I feel like saying that it seems someone in your life has really instilled in you the need to succeed at everything. I know how important this is to you, to care for him to the end. You are not failing at this, no one on earth could do it either. Just try to think of yourself as one of your best friends in the same situation. What advice could you give them? If you saw your own mother struggle in what you are struggling in, what do you think you might suggest to help?
I care very much, I really think that even though he is getting worse, you might have to let go and let god, and a nursing home take care of him. I wish all the best to you. I don't want to shove anything you don't want at you, but I don't like seeing you go through all of this.

I had a bad day when I posted above. Getting off the Internet, which I did for 2 days, helped me a lot. Addictively reading and watching videos on my smart phone undermines me getting things done. So I canceled the service. I can still get on using my phones mobile data capability, but that's expensive . . . so it will be a disincentive. This morning I have been on, but I need to stop it.

I found that just getting the apartment in better order helps relieve a lot of my discontent. The I days I cleaned I found caring for my guy easier. I allowed myself to read magazines and look at catalogues, but they don't eat up my time like the smart-phone was doing.

He's getting weaker day by day. I will be happiest, in the long run, if I continue caring for him. It won't go on forever. When be becomes clearly in the final stage of dying, then there are 2 hospice units where he could possibly be placed. They do provide decent care. The VA social worker discussed this with me.

Have to put down this phone. I appreciate the posts I still receive here and the interest shown.

He has an adult child coming in to visit from other side of the country. She'll go straight to hotel. We'll meet up tomorrow. He lived in a small apartment, so he can't put up guests. Last time he had company, I had the apt spiffed up. It's chaotic now. Mostly, we'll meet out at restaurants. But I took him to barbershop and I have him looking good. That matters more.

Visitor will be here 36 hours. I'm barely keeping up with essentials. I hope they enjoy each other.

I hope I sleep tonight, so I'm not tired tomorrow. I'll need energy.

His dementia is worse. Now he hallucinate occasionally and has delusions. But I can talk him back to reality. I was very depressed. But I shook it off to get ready for this visit, but I'm not ready. It'll have to do.

The daughter's visit went okay. She was here 72 hours, not 36.

His dementia has gotten a good deal worse. It gets lonely being with someone who can't hold much of a conversation. I'm realizing now that another hunk of him has recently died.

I read where, in Asia somewhere, they have these restaurants where you can eat fish in an unusual way. The fish swim around in an aquarium near your table. You pick out one you'ld like to taste. The server grabs the fish and removes a hunk of it without killing it. Then the still living fish is thrown back in the aquarium. You get to eat part of the fish, while watching it swim around.

I know that's an awful story to bring up. It just popped into my head. The idea of being alive and functioning with parts missing. I can remember and think about the parts of my bf's personality that are gone - like tasting the fish. But there he is, over in his recliner asleep, alive - but dying and already missing parts. How long will this go on? My God, how long?

I sure fouled up my life when I moved with him so far from both our families. I never envisioned this. He was a lot older than I. Of course, I expected he'ld have failing health long before I would. It never fully occurred to me that he would become, and remain, totally dependent on a caregiver for years on end, crippled in both body and mind. The last time he was able to cook dinner for us was Jan. 2012. That's over 7 years ago.

I guess I figured that, by this stage of my life, I'ld have more money. (It was always clear he wouldn't.) With money, you can hire help. Medicaid will pay for some help, but they pay low, so the help's not that good. I've had no help since before the Summer. I do it all.

Now his dementia has just gotten to where I can't hardly leave him alone. I can't hardly leave the apartment. How long will this go on?

So the daughter was here in the nice hotel with the Jacuzzi and the big swimming pool. I dressed him up and brought him to meet her in the restaurant of her choice. I felt like a hired attendant. She made little conversation with me. After decades being her dad's girlfriend, she knows next to nothing about me. Doesn't know when I was born, or where. Never knew the names of my parents. They were alive during the first 16 years that I was with her father. Isn't it odd that she knows almost nothing about me? She asks about nothing. Yes, sitting in that restaurant, I could have been a nurse's aid she hired for the day - to cut her father's meat and take him to the bathroom.

I feel like saying something to this family. But that would just create unpleasantness for me. His adult kids have all the trappings of successful living. They seem to be fully functioning humans. But there's something almost zombie-like in their lack of having any relationship with me. Or maybe I'm the zombie? Something is so odd that it's spooky.

When will this be over? Then how will I be when it is over, this long vigil? I wonder how I'll do back living alone again.

Don't mind me. I'm just thinking.

Once he's gone, I doubt I'll ever hear from his kids again. I'll be glad of that. I hate this fake relationship I have with his fake kids telling me about the fake love they have for me because of all I do for their dad. Fake hugging and kissing when they come out here. How did I ever surrender myself to this kind of an existence?

Now he's diagnosed as terminally ill. More like interminably. I'm making some kind of a major mistake in figuring things out. If only there were a decent nursing home where I thought he'ld be sort of okay. There isn't. He's been in 3. The results were awful. Here with me he does way, way better.

The daughter showed up after a year for 3 days. I don't expect her to be flying out here a lot. I don't expect her to stay long, when her dad can't even put her up as a house guest. But she could talk to me on the phone once in a while for more than 3 seconds. Now that I have a smart phone, I get texts. "How r u? How is dad?" That's it. That's her contribution to an interaction. I text back a detailed account of his medical status. I should stop doing that. Well, truth is: I am not eager to have her calling me on the phone. She has no interest in talking with me.

While she was here, she was on her phone a lot. At the table in the restaurant - a loud, crowded place with music. (Her dad couldn't hear her.) I tried to make conversation. She whips out the phone and starts texting. "Sorry." she says. Here at her dad's apartment: she kept stepping out on the patio to make and take phone calls. But she's patting herself on the back for making the trip. Here's another thing: If I'ld have been her, I'ld have brought me a present. I had one for her - a prepaid funeral policy. Yes, I managed to save up $6000 of her father's income to put into an irrevocable policy. (He has no assets or insurance, and she'ld been fretting about the cost of burying him.) Her home is worth about $700,000, according to Zillow. Then she wanted one last thing. Her dad had some nice photos in the apartment of her mother and of herself. She wants copies made and sent to her. I'll have to get right on that. And I actually will because that's how I am. (It just occurred to me that, maybe, that was her diplomatic way of saying what she wants out of the apartment when her dad is gone.)

I should go to bed.

I'm sorry for this situation.

The phenomenon of his losing his mind and personality now in "hunks" rather than gradually is fascinating - and worrisome.

Strength and clarity to you, Rose76.

((((((((( Rose76 )))))))))

I'm doing a lot better. Since I can't leave my bf home alone for long, I took him with me yesterday to go shopping at Sam's Club. We actually had fun. He drove the scooter much better than I expected. And we ate lunch there. It did us both good to get out together.

So I feel pretty good now.

I might be about to put my S.O. in a nursing home. Last night I was tortured with "restless leg syndrome" and got 2 hours of sleep. The pulsatile tinnitus in my left ear is banging away so loudly it's like someone striking a cymbal over and over. The house is a complete mess. I can't cope.

This is all adding up to too much. I give up. I can't cope. Plus, things are going to get even worse.

I want to tell someone that I need help. But there isn't any. No one can handle my stuff for me.

I want some doctor to feel sorry for me and give me sleeping pills. But they won't because I'm already on opioid pain medicine.

It has gotten to be too much. I'm in bed and might just stay here. My boyfriend's in the hospital. I just can't cope. All I want is escape.

What are you doing for yourself??? You are not a non-person because you are looking out for him. Respite care if nothing else. My ex has serious complications from diabetes-just doesn’t want to think about it—for 40ys!!! I exercise regularly, have regular coffee dates w friends, trying to get some freelance writing.
So what if he needed something if you weren’t there?Would that be the end of the world? Choose your activities and start doing them. We’r going to watch to see that you do this!!!!!!!

I went to my PCP today. Tomorrow I go for a blood draw to see if I'm anemic. I'm having extreme restlessness at night. That happened 3 years ago. Doctors figured out it was caused by a bleeding ulcer that led to severe anemia. So I am prioritizing my own need for medical attention to address what is either a physical or psychiatric disorder.

I explained this to my bf when I visited Wed. eve. He was nice and concerned.

He's getting pretty decent care at the VAMC.

I might be able to sleep now.

luvyrself, thanks for your post.

Rose, thanks for recommending the unfrick your house book. It validates a lot of what i have been feeling over the years, that i have never seen in writing or tv, or had validated by other people. Esp about anxiety, and about it being a never ending task, and about the roots of perfectionism.