Failure

I am 21 years old and I have accomplished absolutely nothing of value in my entire Life! I'm not good at doing anything so what's the point in me even trying to live? I should just disapper from the face of the Earth and stop being a burden to everyone I know. I can't go on living like this. What's the point in living if I'm going to end up on the streets anyway? I apologize for existing. That shouldn't have happened. I'm a mistake and I wonder why am i still around. Mistakes are meant to be "corrected" after all!

Sorry to hear about that. I feel that you contribute a lot greatly for others on here; and I'm sure they appreciate you. When I was your age I felt exactly the same way. I went to college but felt like I had just barely got by. I had fears for the future, thinking that I'm not going to be destined to be anything. Socially, at that time, not so great too.

As of now, I am three times your age. I have had accomplishments but I feel like not nearly as good as others around my age and younger. So many people have told me that I have done extremely well for myself. I find it hard to believe. I read a book from a professional counselor; and the writer had said that he's amazed how there are those whom had accomplished great things and they have a low opinion of themselves. I guess that's what depression can do.

For me, the greatest accomplishment was just recently when I had sold my condo unit. I received two-and-a-quarter times more than what I had originally purchased it for. And now I'm able to invest. Plus I had successfully been working at the same job that I like for 13 years. Not bad for someone that so many people told me, "you're gonna go down like a lead balloon!".

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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky I am 21 years old and I have accomplished absolutely nothing of value in my entire Life! I'm not good at doing anything so what's the point in me even trying to live? I should just disapper from the face of the Earth and stop being a burden to everyone I know. I can't go on living like this. What's the point in living if I'm going to end up on the streets anyway? I apologize for existing. That shouldn't have happened. I'm a mistake and I wonder why am i still around. Mistakes are meant to be "corrected" after all!

Darling Mickey, I'm so sorry you are suffering. I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad. Did something happen? Are you still in school?

Personally I think you're wonderful. Always with the kind word for someone else who is in pain. Always with the encouragement for others who are suffering. Why is it you don't deserve the same from yourself?

Recently I saw a wonderful lizard at the Sacramento Zoo. He was just sitting there in the artificial sunlight, blinking. I thought to myself, that lizard doesn't have to do anything but be himself. He doesn't have to accomplish anything, or pass any tests, or get any honors, all has has to do is sit there and be a lizard. How wonderful that is, really, when you think about it.

Do tell us why you're feeling this way.

(((((( ))))))

Mickey you are a kind caring and supportive person here. I have read many of your posts and many that you have replied to me. I am grateful you are here and appreciate you a great deal.

Many of us feel it would have been better if we never existed. We have as much right to be here as others. Being AS IS is enough.

I send respect, hugs and kindness

Thank you SO MUCH, guys! Nothing in particular happened to make me feel this way. To be honest I've been feeling like this pretty constantly for the past few days. I'll NEVER get better! I have ZERO motivation to do ANYTHING at all. How am I supposed to improve my life with this State of Mind? I just don't know how to get out of it. I really, truly have NO HOPE for my Future. I'm sorry to say that. Thank you guys for listening to me rant and vent though. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!

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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky Thank you SO MUCH, guys! Nothing in particular happened to make me feel this way. To be honest I've been feeling like this pretty constantly for the past few days. I'll NEVER get better! I have ZERO motivation to do ANYTHING at all. How am I supposed to improve my life with this State of Mind? I just don't know how to get out of it. I really, truly have NO HOPE for my Future. I'm sorry to say that. Thank you guys for listening to me rant and vent though. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST! :group hug:

That's how depression feels all right, Mickey. It is the absolute pits and it can strike anyone at any time, no matter how famous or productive or virtuous. It's the strangest thing -- for me, when I'm in my depressed state I feel exactly as you are describing. And when I'm not it's as if I'm seeing everything from a totally different place. And yet I'm the same person in the same circumstance. Nothing has changed but my mood and my consciousness.

Sometimes when you're in the place you're in now, it can help to do almost anything. You might try picking some small task like doing the dishes and take the 1st step towards it. (You will not WANT to do this, but just go do it anyway.) Just go stand by the sink, or something. And sometimes just that small action will get your life juices starting to flow. And it isn't so much the point to achieve the dishes, as it is to drag your mind out of its current state.

By the way, I don't recall - are you on any medication?

You know, Mickey... I feel much the same about myself as you do about yourself (except that I'm old & you're still very young.) Personally I doubt people come to feel the way you do (& I do) for no reason... just one day, out of nowhere, they start hating themselves for no reason. Perhaps I'm wrong but I have to believe there is something in your past that is causing you to feel the way you do about yourself. And I wonder if you know what that is.

In my case, I know most of the reasons why I have the low opinion of myself I do. But at this stage in my life it's simply too late to worry about it. You on the other hand still have many years ahead of you. And so my wish for you would be that, in some way, you would be able to figure out what has caused you to feel so badly about yourself & then find a pathway to deep peace within...

Perhaps you've already seen these. But here are links to 2 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of what to do when you feel awful about yourself plus a link to 1 article on how like yourself more:

When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly

Breaking Free from the Bonds of Badness

8 Steps to Like Yourself (More)

Hi Mickey, I agree with Mopey that it is depression. The same thing happens to me when I am depressed. Everything in my life can be going fine, but I am miserable and feel worthless. When my medication is working, I feel much better even though my circumstances haven't changed at all. Have you reached out to anyone in real life for help? You are always so kind to others. Be kind to yourself.

Depression is cruel. We are not responsible for they way we feel. Our bodies are telling us something is wrong. Our feelings are real and require processing.

Self love can help but takes much practice. Maybe try, accepting ourselves as we are and taking baby steps into the future as we feel ready to cope and hope round the corner there is a small reprieve.

Do you spend any time with your inner child?

Sending love, respect and hugs to you and your inner child

To clarify, I'd like to add something to the above lovely and loving thoughts from people who care about you, Mickey.

In my earlier post I did not mean to imply that depression strikes for absolutely no reason. I'm sure there are numerous reasons a person may become depressed, certainly including home environment, early experiences, traumas, all sorts of things. No, I was speaking from the outcome of an experiment I just recently concluded, wherein I decided to try going off my longtime medication. I had every reason to try the experiment. I had developed a philosophy from my reading which seemed to be working well for me in combatting my depression. So I very gradually tapered off my medication and truly expected to at last be able to function without it.

Sadly, once it all had left my body, even with my greatest efforts to "not think", I crashed. I wept, I cried, I wanted to die. I felt there was no hope and there would never be any hope. Finally I admitted to myself that my experiment was a failure. Two weeks ago I started on a small dose of my medication again and am already doing better. So in other words, no matter how hard I tried to control my depression through my thoughts, as the Cognitive people say you should be able to, it seemed there was a chemical element to my depression. That at least was my experience.

So indeed depression can be a tenacious and complicated beast. As a result, help for you might come through many avenues.

Maybe you don’t need to worry about improvements right at this moment. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Maybe you just need a break from the pressure and time to relax.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not good anything. But everybody truly is good at something. I notice that it’s when I’m comparing myself to others that I especially feel bad about myself.

You’re a kind and compassionate soul. I hope you can give yourself the same compassion you show toward others.

((((((((( Mickey ))))))))

I’m sorry you feel like a failure, I don’t see you that way at all. I see a kind, sweet and compassionate person. I echo Thirty shades suggestion, do you spend any time with your inner child? Depression is cruel I also think that comparing ourselves to others isn’t a good idea, depression wants us to feel bad about ourselves. I’m sending much care and respect to you (((((((( Mickey ))))))))

Hey Mickey,

So sorry you feel this way. I know what it's like to feel that you aren't moving in any direction. I actually felt this way for about 12 years. Do you have a therapist? Do you think you would be able to go to school or learn a trade? Do you have a hobby? Writing, reading, sewing?? Maybe you need to get out of your head for a bit and do something you really enjoy.

I know how much love and compassion you have for others on here, especially me. You have done so much for so many people, maybe you can do something in that field?

I truly hope you get better soon.

Mickey, I'm so sorry you feel that way about yourself

I'm very glad you exist, and you are absolutely NOT a mistake! I posted on here the other day for the first time when I was having a very dark night and dark thoughts. Your reply cheered me up, and from what I can tell by this thread, I'm not the only person here you've had that effect on. So it seems that you ARE good at something, you HAVE done something of value, and helping people through their depression with your comments and insights is quite a thing to be good at!!

Feel free to message me if you ever need someone to talk to! I can relate to much of what you said; sometimes it h

Thank you all SO MUCH, guys, ALL OF YOU! I'll try to be kinder to myself but I guess the point is that I don't see much in myself that deserves this kindness. I feel like I should be treated badly by everyone... that's what I deserve! I am currently seeing a Therapist but she isn't helping too much if I have to be honest. Yes, I'm taking some Meds and I guess they help with my Mood a little bit. I can't say I feel that sad, really... I just feel like I don't care about what happens to me anymore. I'm not sure if that's better or worse. Honestly I'm starting to doubt I am depressed and I just feel like a lazy person who doesn't want to do anything with his life. I feel like that is the Truth. Thank you for staying here with me, guys. I REALLY appreciate your help! I don't really deserve that either... but thank you nonetheless. Sending many safe, warm hugs to ALL OF YOU and ALL of your Loved Ones!

Just by contributing to this board you are making a difference. I can't tell you how many times I have been bummed out and seen an encouraging post by you and truly, made my day.

21 is so young. You have so much time.

I am not sure I am getting that much out of therapy lately either. I plan to discuss this at my next therapy session. I feel like I should either quit or disclose more. Honestly, during my last session, I thought to myself, if she knew _____, would she look down on me. So shame is creeping back in. The thing is, to truly delve into the issue would take a lot of sessions. I would rather spend my time trying to make money, cook, keep my house up and be there for my family. Frankly, I have gotten better therapy on this forum because I have been able to spend more time here. Some PC members are world class therapists!!! I would include you in that group!!! You care. You listen. You understand what it is like to feel depression and shame. So like me, I would recommend you either disclose more, change therapists or quit.

Also, sometimes our psych drugs can make us feel lazy and want to sleep more. There are definitely drugs out there that can make you feel more motivated. I finally have a psychiatrist that I can disclose exactly how my drugs are making me feel and when I don't take them as prescribed. I am able to do this because, unlike my previous psychiatrists who only spoke 5 or 10 minutes to me then refilled my meds, she talks to me for 30 or 40 minutes. Unfortunately, most psychiatrists nowadays do not spend enough time getting to know their patients. Are you able to tell your psychiatrist that you have no motivation? Maybe they could change your drugs around and see if that helps?

I am sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself. I think you would be a great therapist. I really do.

Thank you SO MUCH guys for your support! I've seen my therapist and things have been ok, but I STILL can't disclose the full truth to her and how I REALLY feel, guys! I feel REALLY weak, as if I don't have the mental strength to go on much longer. My motivation is still REALLY Low. I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I am trying to do some things at home though. It helps! However I still feel stuck on the same place for the most part. Thank you ALL for Listening and Understanding! YOU GUYS ARE REALLY THE BEST! PLEASE DO ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH ALL OF YOU, you WONDERFUL PEOPLE, and ALL of your Loved Ones!

@MickeyCheeky

Mickey, is it possible you could find a different therapist? Someone you feel more comfortable opening up to?

Sometimes it seems so hard to find a balance
We're living in an age when it's hard not to feel pressures, but I think it is important to remain human-like. We are not machines :/
You seems such a nice person, MickeyCheeky!
I agree with the suggestion of looking for a different kind of therapy
Maybe it's also about feeling alone more in general
To have a loyal friendship with someone is a treasure, can be really helpful

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Originally Posted by Mopey Mickey, is it possible you could find a different therapist? Someone you feel more comfortable opening up to?

Come to think of it, Mickey, we've been around this subject before, haven't we? I think you said you had enquired about getting another therapist and it was not possible? Maybe because it's government-controlled, or something like that? Am I wrong about that?

(((( HUGS ))))

Thank you SO MUCH guys for your Support! I believe it may be possible to find another one, but I just can't bring myself to tell the Truth to BOTH my Therapist and my Parents! I know the alternative is much worse, but it seems like I just can't do it! I have a mental block! I'm scared! I know I seem like a coward but that's the truth! I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF YOU CAN, EVERYONE! Thank you ALL for your continuous support! I'll keep you guys updated if there are ANY news! THAT'S A PROMISE!I'm not sure I can bring myself to do another year of University studying something that I don't like! I'm not even that good at it! Thank you SO MUCH for sticking around with me, guys! I hope you ALL know that that's REALLY appreciated! YOU'RE ALL AWESOME AND YOU'RE ALL THE BEST! PLEASE ALL REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! YOU KNOW THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to ALL OF YOU AND EVERYONE! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALL ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELVES!

Hey Mickey.

You do alot, for me and for all of us. You are of so much value and have so much empathy. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low these days. That’s totally ok. Just come on here and vent so you can get through the days until it gets a little better. We all know how it feels in here.

I’m just happy there’s a place like this where we can talk to people all over the world who feel the same.

I hope you’re feeling a little better.