[lost_lonely]

Something happened last night. I heard about this happening to other people, but never thought it would/could happen to me. EVER. Now I know what a fool I was, thinking that.

I couldn't sleep. I had been lying in bed for hours, but sleep just wouldn't come. I don't have any sleep meds due to lack of uinsurance, so I stupidly decided to go for walk, thinking it might help me fall sleep afterwards. This was at 3:00 am.

I left my house, and was walking past a wooded area about an hour later. I was almost home. I almost made it. On a dark part of the street where there is no streetlights, out of nowhere I felt someone grab my arm. I jumped and tried to pull away, but they pulled harder and dragged me into the woods.

The next thing I knew, I was being dragged by my arm further into the woods. I started to scream, praying someone would hear me. I tried to crawl away, but the next I knew I was pinned against the ground and there was a knife pressed against my throat. He spoke then, a man's voice.

He told me if I made another sound he would slit my throat. I was too scared to say or do anything, so I was forced to lay there while this animal raped me in the woods. When he was done, he didn't leave right away, just sat on top of me, and put the knife to my throat again. He said he should kill me anyway, just because he'd never killed anyone before and would like to know how it felt. I couldn't answer, I was afraid if I did it might prompt him to hurt me again or just kill me.

He laughed, then stood up. He said if I told anyone, he would come find me and kill me. Then he finally left.

I sort of wished he had killed me. I haven't been able to leave my room since, and forget about sleeping. All I can do is pace, cry and throw up. I can't eat, sleep, or hardly function. I feel like I'm literally in hell right now.

And this all happened because of me. Because I decided to out for a walk at 3 am! What the hell was I thinking? Only a foolish a**hole would have done something that stupid and unsafe! What did I expect? I got what I deserved.

I'm sorry if this isn't in the appropriate forum. I feel the most comfortable here, plus I'm having a hard time thinking clearly right now. All of a sudden, I don't feel safe anywhere. Locking myself in my bedroom, I'm constantly peering out my window, paraniod that he's lurking out there, waiting to hurt me again. The worst part is, it was dark, so I couldn't see his face. I don't even know who hurt me.

I apologize in adance if this upsets anyone. I wasn't sure if I should even post this, but it's killing me inside and outside, and I don't know how to deal with what's happened to me. I'm crawling out of my own skin, and so unstable.

It isn't fair. But I should have known better. In a way, I only brought it on myself. And now I don't know what to do anymore. I still feel safe here, I guess that's why I'm posting this. The one thing I have left, the supportive atmosphere on these boards.

I feel more lost and lonely than ever right now. I'm all used up now, I feel as though there is nothing left. Only the horrific memory of that hellish experience everytime I close my eyes.

Why me? This will teach me to go walking in the dead of night. This is all my fault.

[ExoticChaos]

OMG ((((Lost)))) you need to report this monster immediately! It was NOT your fault, please believe that. The world is ours, you have every right to walk wherever you want, when you want. That gave this monster NO right to do to you what he did. That is such a horrible thing that happened to you. Please please know that there are organizations out there who will help you. You cannot go through this alone. I just really don't know what to say. I do know that repeating it was NOT your fault is very important here. Please seek some counseling. Report it to the police immediately and they will point you in the right direction for counseling. There ARE places out there that are free that can help you cope with this horrible tragedy. Keep us updated, and always know we are here if you need someone to talk to. (((((((hugs)))))))

My <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.timelesscaptures.com/tulip> Blog </A> about depression.

lost_loney I am soooooo sorry!!

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME

Please please please go to this website <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.mass.gov/dph/fch/sapss/sites.htm>http://www.mass.gov/dph/fch/sapss/sites.htm</A> and find the closest crisis center to you. I'm begging you to get help as I am a survivor of two rapes and I didn't get help for years and trust me when I say I wish to the universe I had received immediate attention. It is available in every county at any hour day or night!!!! I was a child so I had no idea of what help even was back then almost twenty years ago.

You need help and now! This is nothing to be ashamed of at all!!!!

This has nothing to do with teaching you about walking alone at night.

Nobody EVER deserves to be raped. No time of day or night. Whether alone or with a crowd. NEVER. This was not your doing lost_loney.

(((((lost_loney)))))

<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>

[Peanut61]

Oh, no, (((((((((((((((Lost_lonely))))))))))))))); I'm sooooo sorry that this horrible thing has happened to you. I'm in shock; I can't even imagine how you must be feeling.

I totally agree with what the others have said above. NO WAY is this your fault = not even!! I feel so enraged at that guy, that monster.

Oh, geez... I'm just so sorry. PLEASE call victim's assistance/rape counseling and the police. This is a traumatic thing that has happened to you, and they can help you cope with things.

Am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, dear, sweet, (((((((((((Lost)))))))))).

Most fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>
<div class="foot">(Edited by Peanut61 on 08/13/04 06:49 AM.)</div>

LOST_You have my number; I will keep my phone close by all day long...But you HAVE TO REPORT THIS. This creep cannot hurt anyone else, and must be brought to justice. Go to the nearest emergency room, BEFORE you shower. They will know what to do. Who cares if you never saw his face. They can get DNA, or perhaps even hypnotize you (though I doubt they'll do that) to try and get this creep. You have every right to be walking at 3AM--not always the brightest thing depending upon the neighborhood, but it is NEVER okay to do what he did. You are so awesome, and unfortunately you are so alone--I wish that someone could be there with you right now. Please call the police. If you showered, make them check your shower. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed, be determined--if nothing else, fake it like I do sometimes. You are not to blame, you are not an ***; you have a beautiful spirit, just fighting to take over for you...now it's time.
Perhaps I shouldn't say this, but what's the worst that could happen? He finds out that you reported him? YOu think he'll come back to kill you? You've been wishing death for so long anyway...REPORT THIS BASTARD!!!
(((((((((((((Adrienne)))))))))))))
"Blessed are those who suffer, for they shall be comforted." Jesus of Nazareth (not the band)

[shakes]

(((((Lost Lonely))))))
Please please listen to what everyone is telling you. Use that website that Zenhussy listed and seek out help in your area. It is so important!! We all care about you so much here and do not want anything to happen to you further.
I know that you do not believe this right now, but this IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! This is the monster who did this to you fault. When did it become wrong that us women take walks when we feel like it? How would know that this would happen to you.
I know what you are going through...I have been in the same place you are after my rape three years ago. I know that it is scarey...but there is help out there and you need it whether you realize it or not.
www.rainn.org is a wonderful site that can help you find further contacts. If you need to talk please feel free to PM me..I can even call you if you want.
I am so worried about you right now that I am in tears....please post again soon.

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>
~Seether and Amy Lee

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Los_Lonely:

This is not your fault.

Please report it -- if not for your sake, for the sake of others who may have been/may be in the future raped. It will help the police identify and catch him.

Please get counseling.

Please know that we love and care for you here.

[hamstergirl]

Lost, we should be able to walk when we want and where we want. I'm a night operator myself, sleep during the day and wake up at night. And if I should suddenly feel lonely and want to go for a walk at three a.m., then I should be able to do so without fear.

Someone said you've been longing for death for so long and to report this animal. Yes, report him. Let him feel fear for a change. If you die, (unlikely), you die with the satisfaction of knowing that he will spend the remainder of his miserable days watching over his shoulder looking for the cops. He kills you and he spends the rest of his life in jail or he gets put to death. And Rapists are very low on the prison totem pole; everyone in there has a mother, sister or daughter. He won't have a fun time in prison, I promise you.

Go to the cops and tell them everything. Teach this low-life coward the meaning of fear. Talk to someone at a Rape crisis line and ask them for help if necessary. They will help you. Let the police do their job: to serve and protect. How can they protect you if they don't know what happened? If they don't know what happened, then this coward is FREE to DO IT AGAIN.

I know this sort of thing takes courage, but so does fighting mental illness. I know you have it in you. Your testimony can put this pig away for a long time, maybe forever depending on how long he's been pulling this stuff. You can't get into trouble, though his lawyers may try to imply something. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and this peasant is going to be in a lot more trouble than you'll ever be in.

If you stay silent, the fear will never end. You will regret it for the rest of your life.

A rape is all about power, Lost, exerting power over one who is weaker than oneself to show off. That's why he threatened to kill you and that is why he raped you. It was all about power and control.

Take some of that power back. Report this bastard and see how powerful he looks in handcuffs! You'll feel so much better.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[(JD)]

((((LOST))) You need to go to an ER for treatment... to prevent any STDs possible and for contact with other resources. You came here for help, now go to help IRL, OK???

We will chat later... but do this now eh? No more thinking.

[SS8282]

Oh ((((((((((((((lost)))))))))))))))))) Please - don't blame yourself. It was that guy's fault. And you MUST report it. Also have yourself checked out by a doctor.

Lost, I've been sexually assaulted myself, and I too blamed myself. To this day, sometimes I still do, but then, my brain takes over and tells me that I am NOT responsible for his actions, nor any of the other guys. It's hard, I know, and it'll take time, but please remember this - NOT your fault. You are not responsible for others actions.

If you want to talk to me, you can PM me. K? I'm here. More hugs
((((((((((((((((((((lost)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[hamstergirl]

Lost, if you do go to the police, keep the clothes and underwear you went out in that night aside, Don't wash them. He may have left evidence all over your clothes, evidence that could lead to an arrest. Namely semen. That catches him dead to rights. He's toast. Or body hair. He could have left microscopic evidence behind him. There's a very good chance.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Peanut61]

Have been thinking about you a lot, and just wanted you to know that we CARE ABOUT YOU here!

Fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Lost}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so glad that you felt safe to come here. That scum should suffer for what he did to you.

It was NOT your fault. No woman asks for that to happen - everyone is right, it is about control. You have a right to walk anywhere you please, at what time you please.

You do need to get ahold of a crisis center or the nearest hospital. They need to run tests, including I think, one to make sure that you don't end up pregnant. Please, please, go do this. Report him and make sure no one else is harmed, like you were.

My heart is hurting for you.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[LadyDragus]

please lost, you need to go to the ER.. you need to get checked for STDS>.....
I know it is hard to go alone, and I know you do not want to trust anyone, to touch you right now, but you need to get checked out to make sure, he did not hur tyou..

Call a crisis line.. it is not your fault, I agree with what all the others have said..

I just hope I am not causeing "more drama" (MODS)

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[Wants2Fly]

Plz, yes, get medically checked for all the reasons others have shared.

I hold you in my heart and in my prayers, beloved friend.

[lost_lonely]

I need to thank everyone for their heartfelt replies and warm wishes. I wasn't sure about posting this at first, and afterwards I almost deleted it. I'm just so ashamed, plus a lot of women in this situation get labeled negatively.
I am beginning to realize now that it wasn't my fault, but that negative self-talk that I've been battling for years is still trying to rear its ugly head. I'm dealing with this the best I can right now. I DID report him and went to the hospital. It was one of the scariest decisions I ever had to make. But I DID it, so I think I've taken the first step in overcoming this.
Your support means SO much to me.

((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))))))


<div class="foot">(Edited by lost_lonely on 08/14/04 04:12 PM.)</div>
<div class="foot">(Edited by lost_lonely on 08/14/04 04:14 PM.)</div>

Adrienne,
You are so brave; I am so proud of you.
Talk to you soon.
JON

[(JD)]

<font color=purple> FOR REAL? How long did that take where you are? What kind of police did they send? What did they say would happen to the "evidence?" Just curious how it goes nowdays.

What does your T say? Sure hope he/she supports you in this.

[SS8282]

((((((((((lost)))))))))))) that was very courageous. I'm so glad you went. Are you ok physically? I know how hard it is to keep telling yourself that it's not your fault. To this day, sometimes I still blame myself, but not as much. Give yourself time. Keep talking to us. We CARE!

[Peanut61]

Congratulations on being so courageous = wow = honestly, I would have been soooooooo scared about the hospital and all = you are really brave!!!

I'm continuing to keep you in my prayers and to send you positive energy. I hope you will be good to yourself, and will give/allow yourself amply time and support to deal with this.

Many hugs, ((((((((((((((((Lost_Lonely)))))))))))))))...

Most respectfully, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Adrienne --

My sincere admiration for the immense act of will and courage that reporting this crime took. Dealing with the bureaucracy is hard enough -- but imagine doing it when you are feeling so low and confused and shook up.

Brava, lady, brava.!!!!

[hamstergirl]

Well done. Now that rat bastard's going to be the one who's locking his doors and looking over his shoulder.

By telling the police, you have begun to rob this man of his power over you. If this guy even makes one move towards you, you can phone the cops and they will be over post-haste. He will be the one doing the running, not you. If he's smart and he values what's left of his pathetic life, he'll stay away from you.

By threatening you with death, this clown hoped he would get away with hurting you, by silencing you. He's not going to get away with it now. He has ruined his life by HIS actions, not yours. HE was the one who chose to hurt you. HE was the one who took the knife and hid in the woods. At any moment, HE could have walked away. HE chose not to and because of that, HE has ruined two lives: YOURS and HIS. HIS actions may have also hurt his family.

You didn't have the option of running away. HE was the one with the knife. HE was the one in control. That's the most frightening part of all this: the loss of control. If you had tried fighting back, you would probably be dead now. By not resisting, you may have saved your life.

Remember this is about the actions HE took, not about yours. If they ask you "What were you doing out at 3 a.m.?" Ask them: What was that man doing at 3 am in the woods with a knife? The people who condemn women for being raped should realize it would STILL happen even if we all went about dressed in unsexy potato sacks. Predators would still find an excuse for their actions. It is the people that condemn the woman that do not understand.

Had you stayed silent, the only life ruined would have been your own. This man should realize: you hurt another human being, you pay the piper. This man was a sick, sick predator who enjoyed hurting you. You've done the world a favour by reporting him.

He was looking for victims that night and you're the one he happened to catch. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. Let me tell you: HE chose to rape the wrong woman. HE chose to assault the woman who's going to help a judge and jury decide where he's going to spend the next few years of his life. Bad move. And he threatened to kill her.

Because of this, if I were the man, I would be down on my knees and begging you for mercy. I would be treating you to roses and champagne. Not that this is going to happen. Show him as much mercy as he showed you that night, when the time comes. Don't show this man fear. Show this man utter contempt. Laugh in his face and tell him "You're going to jail, mister! Have fun!"

If he does say "I'm sorry," Tell him that the time to apologize would have been in the woods after he raped you. Remorse looks good when it comes time to parole the criminal.

Let us know when they catch this peasant, eh?

(For the record, I have never been raped or known anyone who was. I've just done a lot of reading over the years. I know that can't replace experience, but...)

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

Lost, I have another idea.

This happened to you in part because you didn't know what to do. And you are not to be faulted for that, because you couldn't have known this would happen.

But there are ways you can protect yourself. I would strongly recommend training in the martial arts, specifically Aikido. The type of martial art you would be looking for would be one that would teach you how to break holds and deal with armed opponents. Each martial art has a different style and was developed for a different purpose.

Some focus on destroying their opponents, others turn an opponent's strength against him. I believe that you would be looking for the latter.

Not only would you be able to protect yourself in the future, you would be taught how to avoid dangerous situations in the first place.

The nice thing about Aikido is the police in Japan use it for subduing suspects without hurting them. Your aim would not be to subdue an opponent, but to escape him or at the very least, make attacking you not worth his while.

Aikido was developed after its creator was challenged to a fight with a naval officer. The creator won by dodging the officer's blows until the latter was exhausted.

The officer was armed with a sword at the time.

You would gain confidence and you would be learning about another culture in the process. You would be disciplining and training your mind at the same time as your body, because martial arts puts a focus on philosophy. You would meet other people too.

I picked Aikido because it looked like something where you would be breaking out of holds and dealing with opponents with weapons. (The ability to break out of holds would be key for you, because that's how this whole nightmare started. You're probably playing the rape over and over again in your mind.) Learn Aikido and learn it well. The rape is over and done with, but at least you can help make sure that it never happens again.

It's another way to gain the power back that was taken from you.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

Self-defense tips (minus the karate)

http://www.mowad.net/self_defense.html

This website also has tips for picking out a good martial arts school.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.
<div class="foot">(Edited by hamstergirl on 08/15/04 07:09 PM.)</div>

[shakes]

((Lost Lonely))))
Your strength is amazing. You are taking steps that I did not have to strength to do when I was in your situation. I appauld you!! Please do not get discouraged if you feel as though you are on a rollar coaster ride for awhile...because it is normal. Please keep posting about how you are doing.

My thoughts are with you,
Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>
~Seether and Amy Lee