I need some encouragement.

Rose is a wonderful person

What's awful is knowing what I should do and just not doing it.

I don't know how I'm going to get out of this. It's not going to blow over. It's gone on too long.

*leaves a mountain size of love in here to help Rose*

It's been a bad day. I just took a shower, crying while I did. That's all I did today.

My purpose here is to get through this depressive episode and end this thread with a post saying I'm back to normal. I am not here to go on singing the blues forever. Everyone has been generous and patient. Thank you all for being so nice.

Always my "episodes" blow over, after a time. Maybe 10 days. Maybe 2 weeks. Not 2 months plus, like this. I'm horrified. I'm thinking of telling my provider (a P.A.) that this is just getting worse. I hate to do that. I figure she'll just be thinking, "What do you think I can do about it?" She agreed to increase my antidepressant.

I don't need to go inpatient. Maybe talking to someone would help. That's not easy to get.

I know the whole problem is that I stay alone in my apartment way too much. I'm not forgetting the suggestion that I go to the community center near me and see what's going on there. I know the longterm solution is for me to find where I can go to be involved in something with other people. I did join a gym. I just haven't gone.

I think I know what I have to do. Somehow I got stuck, like my foot got caught in a trap, and I'm not moving to do anything I should do.

Something's got to give because this is too awful.

I love your posts Rose, they make me feel less alone.

If I express things that others feel, I'm sorry anyone else goes through this, but it helps me to hear that others know what I'm going through.

I guess that's one of the things I'm looking for, here in the forums - a sense that what I struggle with is not something strange and just belonging to me. Depression is part of the human experience. When I hear others describe going through depression, it often sounds so familiar. I think being too much alone is the cause of a lot of it. With how crowded the planet is, it seems it shouldn't take so much effort to find a bit of company.

You are definitely not on your own in this @Rose76.

We all need to vent / offload at times and this is a good place to do it. Where others will understand and hopefully make you feel not so alone with it all.

Unfortunately there are no time limits to how long a depressive episode can last. It's just a case of putting one foot in front of the other until it passes. It is one thing knowing what you should do, it is quite another actually being able to do it, so don't beat yourself up if you aren't able to use all your coping skills right now. You will, when you are ready.

Kind thoughts, E.

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@East17 - Thank you. I am starting to wonder if I'll ever get out of this. It's been an awful long, dark tunnel. I don't see the light.

Your post feeds me a little hope.

If I can just get going in the morning and put away Christmas decorations and straighten up the living room. Seeing the house all disorganized makes me feel like I'm a mess too. When I manage to get some chore done, I improve a significant amount . . . at least for a little while. Though I do relapse quickly, until I can make myself do something else. At least I got clean today . . . and shampood my hair and styled it.

If worse comes to worse, I could hire a professional organizer that I've worked with in the past. It's $60/hr. But she does get things straightened out quickly. I really would rather conserve my money and put things away myself. I should be able to.

Mornings have been bad. It's so hard to get up. Tomorrow I have to get that tree out to the closet. I should just donate it. I only just bought it last year. Looks so pretty up. 700 branches. I'm glued to the bed the first half of the day. Or I get as far as the sofa and stay there for hours. I wake up dragging a ball and chain.

It's 4 a.m. and I've been awake the last two hours. I'm feeling so heart broken and sad. I'm just weeping silently and shaking from sobbing. I wonder will this end? I'm just going out of my mind with sadness and grief.

I don't know what to do. I need someone to help me, but I don't know where to go. This is so painful.

Hi Rose, I’m really sorry that you are suffering so much right now, but please keep posting.

None of us expects a post from you saying that you’re better now and a conclusion to your thread, in my experience that’s not how these things work.

Keep reaching out, even if just here for now, people need people, we’re social animals.

How are you doing now? Is there anything that might distract you, a TV show, movie?

After my last post, I fell back asleep. Just woke up. Still tired. I'll sleep some more. Then see what I can get done. I'll be ok.

Hi Rose, Did you have a good nap? Remember don't beat yourself up. Just make small goals. I wish there were some way I could take this load off you so you could catch your breath.

Could you drive yourself to a pretty spot and take it in? Just a thought.. As you can see still people are here to support you.

Thank you. My goal is to get dressed and put my Xmas tree away. Once I start that, I'll probably want to do more.

I'm procrastinating. Still in bed. TV on. My excuse is I'm waiting for my apartment to warm up. This is a drafty old place. It takes hours in the morning to get the temp up because I shut off the furnace at night. I hate the heat on when I'm in bed. Our climate is mild. 38°F now.

I got a message on fb from a distant relative who wants us to chat by phone soon. I promised her I would. Funny. This whole mess I'm in started with me not getting a phone call that I expected to get. I guess I had too many eggs in that one basket. It's time to branch out in more directions. It's bad to be dependent on just a few people for emotional sustenance.

It would do me good to drive somewhere nice.

Thanks folks for sticking around.

We're all here for you, Rose

The Christmas tree is neatly, carefully stowed away. My place looks so different. I continued cleaning my livingroom, which is very big for an apartment. I gained back some self-respect. Tomorrow morning I won't feel so bad. I have some hope now that I can get it all together. Thanks for rooting for me.

Watching the prez. Rest well my friends.

Hi Rose I'm sorry you're having a depressive episode. I can't sleep at night either. Have you tried a lavender bath? You aren't alone. I'm having a rough time also. It stinks ,doesn't it? I'm sure it will end soon...it always does, but in the mean time UGHH! I'm thinking of you.

Woohoo you are feeling better!

So you're riding out a tailspin too? And, like me, you're thinking, "I've come through this before." But there's that nagging sense, "I might not make it this time." But we will make it, won't we?

Sometimes we take it 10 minutes at a time. I hope your rough time will start to ease, as mine did today.

I get Epson Salts in big bags to add to bath water. I should get some scented essential oils. Fragrance affects my mood.

Thanks for thinking of me. I thought I felt some wind beneath my wings. Rest well. Sleep doesn't come easy for you or me. I wish you tranquility tonight. In bed I listen to ocean waves and seagulls on my phone. It helps.

It shows, huh. Thanks for paying attention.

I have conjunctivitis in one eye. Red and sore. Gentamicin drops aren't helping.

Have a good, restorative sleep.

Dropping rainbow confetti on you!!

What arr plans for today.its quite late in the morning here. Took a fall at 2 am but the fire dept came and got me up. a d back to bed. So very tired.

I'm neatly packing ornaments, etc. Picking up generally. Thinking about meal tonight. Time to stop the TV dinners. I sure have turned a corner. I need to keep moving and catch up. Laundry is hitting the ceiling. That will be tomorrow's goal. No crying today. No despair. It's like a bag of rocks is off my shoulders.

Sorry to hear of your fall. The first to are great! I had to call them a few times when I was caring for my boyfriend. He sometimes "went to ground," and I couldn't help him uo by myself. They've developed a new philosophy. Years ago, after my dad needed their help twice to get up from the floor, they told him and my sister that calling them was not a good longterm solution . . . that he needed more help in the home or placement in a nursing home. Now the authorities are realizing that giving backup in the home is cheaper than the state, thru Medicaid, paying for a nursing home. So they told my boyfriend and me to call them "anytime." They were pleasant about homing out.

After I was very sick and weak this summer, I contacted Dept of Aging. They came out and installed grab bars in my bathroom, one right over the tub. They brought in a bath bench and installed a hand held shower nozzle. It's good to think of any alterations you can make for safety. I hope you're recovered with no after-effects from falling. Take it as a heads up.

Thank you for posting. I'll go back to my chores.

I am getting stiffer by the hour! 😊. Other than that not hurt but I did not get back to sleep. The pace nurse called and now I think I am going to ask for the OT to make a home visit to make getting stuff in the refrigerator safer. My mood has been on a slow downward trend particularly due to lack of sleep and some old family issues that have surfaced. I will see my patient advocate tomorrow. She well may be able to help with some of this.

I do want to go back to the senior center on Monday to play pitch and go to meditation group. I used to teach meditation for years and loved it because it forced me into doing it twice a week and the benefit of mediation is great for your mind and bod

I have a scheduled visit with the pdoc on Tuesday. Hopefully This mood thing can be nipped in the budd.

@Deejay14 - stiffness, I hear ya, Sista! I need to make an actual day plan with schedule and make the gym an appointment that I keep. My neighbor is 82 and goes 4 days/week.

That's a good idea to have OT see what can be made easier. I inherited a thing for reaching and grabbing stuff. Everyone of any age should own one.

I love the idea of going for meditation. I'ld sign up for that for sure. This week I will get to our 2 multi-generational centers and see what's going on. I feel enthused about that.

Thank you everyone,
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel okay again. I just have to maintain this for a decent interval. This eve I went to Sam's and enjoyed shopping like I usually do. No sadness was dogging my every step. I can breathe easy again.

Yeah Rose...so very happy for you!!!

I have two! The first one i bought was too long for my short little froggy arms - i could not reach a garbage bag in my left hand while grabbing stuff with the grabber in my left hand. So i bought another, shorter one. They both have their uses.

I tell myself to keep exercising and in two weeks i WILL feel better, so i do not worry about it. And i have been finding that even though i have not been super consistent, over the past two months i have seen improvement in what i am able to do.

This thread is helping me be consistent.