I need some encouragement.

Bad memories are haunting me.

One time, my brother got mad at me. We lived far apart from each other. It was during a phone call. I didn't know just how mad he got, until he showed me.

I send him a card for some occasion. A week later, I got a piece of mail from him. When I opened it, inside was the piece of mail I sent him. Scrawled across the envelope were these words. "Anything else you send me will be put in the trash." The next day I came home to a message on my answering machine. It was my brother's voice. He said something about how he could see through me and that he was not fooled by me doing things to seem nice and that he knew what a piece of crap I really was.

I knew my brother was disturbed, but I hadn't known he was that full of anger and hatred, or that he could despise me so much.

Years later I managed to patch things up with him. He was in jail, and I sent him $600 to pay a fine to get out of jail. Eventually, he got mad again and called me to tell me how much he despised me.

At one point, he ended up in a federal prison hospital where he was being treated on a psych unit to enable him to stand trial for charges that he destroyed property at a VA hospital. While he was there, we wrote to each other, and I bought him some things he needed and put money on his books. He sent me letters and pictures. He said the federal prison gave him the best care he had ever gotten. He seemed a lot better. Of course, that didn't last.

It was around that time that his court-appointed attorney told me that my brother was a lost cause and was destined to be murdered on the street some day. He advised me that my efforts to help my brother were probably wasted.

My brother seemed better for awhile. His legal matters got settled. Then, one day, he called me to say he never wanted to see me again. That was about ten years ago. I heard he was moving around the country because he contacted a family member a few times, looking for money. In over 5 years, nobody has heard from him. Nobody knows what became of him.

I realize he was a very disturbed person. I realize that the way he treated me was not due to anything I did against him. It was due to him wanting to blame someone for how bad his life was. He always saw himself as a victim.

Now I feel like I'm losing another sibling. What makes this seem similar is that it seems like I'm being blamed for committing some awful offense. Both of these persons are prone to really delusional thinking. I mean really psychotic ideas that I couldn't even go into here. A few years ago, my sister told a lie about a family member that was just awful.

I have to let go of trying to fix things that I probably can't fix. Yesterday, I wanted to call my sister and say, "Are you mad at me?" I decided not to do that. But I worry that I could lose her like I lost my brother. Maybe I already have.

I have things to get done today, and that's what I should be doing. I want to have something to look forward to. There doesn't seem to be anything. I'm sorry for going on like this.

Your brother has chose his own path, of he ever crops up again its best to not have anything to do with him

Thank you for reading my post. I understand what you are saying. I've asked myself what would I do, if he showed up and rang my doorbell? I think the main thing for me to remember is that he doesn't mind causing a lot of pain. Someone like that is dangerous to have around.

Sounds like he will only be nice when HE wants something, he doesnt care about other people's needs

This is true. He can act nice, while he's using someone. It never lasts though.

You deserve to be treated a million times better than what he does

What a miserable day! As bad as depression can be, I think anxiety takes the cake, in terms of causing mental distress. Now I have both.

The pharmacy refused to fill the new order I got yesterday for a higher dose of my antidepressant. The doctor who sent it wasn't my regular provider, so she didn't specify that this was a change. It's okay. I can get by on what I have, till I see my own PCP in 2 weeks.

I sat here and just sent a brief, but very clear text to my own provider, a P.A. I just flat out told her that I am not doing good because of an upset family relationship. I told her I've had worsening depression for weeks and, now, have bad anxiety.

Normally, I don't discuss mental health issues with my provider. I figure there's nothing she can do about them. But this is getting out of hand. I'm becoming a wreck. I just had a sob-fest. If this keeps up, I might have to see a pdoc. I doubt that would help anything. Where I get my healthcare, it's extremely hard to be referred to a therapist. I don't think that would even help. I did all that stuff for years.

But today I feel myself becoming unglued. So I told it to my primary. Maybe it did me good just to express that. I feel a little less awful.

Hi Rose,
Still here but have not been feeling g my best. I am thinking intestinal issues are redeveloping and that is scary for me. Did you get your bills paid??

I cannot sleep in an unmade bed!!!lol. My spouse gets to large thing at me when I am fixing the bed with him in it. My sleep is so bad I have to do everything I can.

Hi @Deejay14. I'm sorry you're not feeling too good. I've had my experiences with gut issues. Diverticulitis had me in the hospital last year. Feel free to PM me, if you want to talk "guts."

I forgot all about the mail today! Wouldn't have mattered. Tomorrow, I really must deal with the bills. I'll probably do phone payments. Some have got to be overdue.

Anxiety had me so I couldn't focus much. I'm able to post because that eases my anxiety. It did calm down compared to earlier. I dread tomorrow morning. I like when it's night time. Once that sun comes up, I start to feel bad.

If I had more money, I would pay someone to just stay with me during the day, while I do things in the house.

I'm finding it almost intolerable to be in my apartment alone during the day. This is crazy. I'm about ready to go to a soup kitchen just to sit with other people.

I didn't mean to turn this thread into an endless blog. I sure appreciate that anyone stops by. Somehow I will turn things around. I always have. Eventually, I will post that I'm better. It's just taking so long. This is excruciating.

@Rose76, When we're in the middle of a depressive episode it is so hard to believe we will come out the other side. But try to remember you have done so before, and you will again.

Even if there's nothing your PCP can do, it doesn't hurt to make them aware of how you are feeling, and as you've discovered, sometimes the act of writing it out can help.

I hope you start to feel better very soon.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Your amazing rose, i hope your depression eases soon

You've put into words exactly, precisely what has happened to me. I've gotten scared that I can't find my way out of this. Yesterday, the anxiety was horrible.

I have been in bad episodes before. It seems like they just blew over. In truth, I sometimes had to work my way out. This is an unusually bad episode. Maybe it's going to take more effort that I usually have to put forth. But I've been frozen doing a lot of nothing. If I just keep doing stuff, like go thru the mail and pay bills, there's a good chance I'll make some headway climbing out of this pit.

I'm not as frozen as yesterday, so I will try.

I am glad I texted my PCP.

Thank you for reminding me that despair is not the only option. I did get through tough things in the past. That can happen again.

Rose did I mention stall about going to a. Local senior center. Ours here has everything fro learning languages all kinds of game groups. I am going next Monday for cribbage, mediation group and help with my heating assistance application.

It sounds like your center really has it going on. That's exactly the sort of thing I need. There are two multi-generational centers not real far from me. I truly must go join. Even if I just went there and sat in their quiet area reading a magazine, it would be better than staying so much in my apartment. I once took a short computer course at one of them. I will make going there a goal. Thanks for reminding me again. My mind has been like a sieve.

Thank you. I hope today is going well for you. I hope I can post something positive soon. This thread is helping me turn around from the bad direction I was going in. It means so much to come here and get encouraged to keep on trying . . . or, really, to start trying.

I'm going to make the bed, get dressed, set up my weekly pill-minder pack and go through mail, paying my bills.

Yesterday was so awful, it scared me. If I sit around frozen, like I did most of yesterday, things will just get more chaotic and I will wish I had never been born. The anxiety yesterday was torture.

It seems like there's a demon spirit telling me to just do nothing and give up. I'm so scared of that spirit, and it's good that I am. Today I will try to keep doing things. Otherwise, my problems could get a lot worse.

It's time now to see if there's a better way to spend the day, than sitting here, doing nothing, and getting more and more scared.

*comes and sits with rose 🌹*

I'm taking a little break. I got 3 things done. I'm starting to feel bad that I'm not getting more done faster.

I told myself, "Stop that!" Just keep doing, no matter how slow. Stick to the list.

Thanks for sitting with me, @willowtigger

Its best to review whay you DID do. Keeping track of the reverse will just dig your hole deeper!! You are making progress Rose!

*brings some chocolate to help Rose*

Thank you, my nice posting friends. I got a call from my clinic. My primary canceled our appointment for 2 weeks from now. Instead she can see me in April.

This really disappointed me. I feel so unsupported by my primary. They said I can come in 2 weeks from now, if I see a different primary. So I will go and see a different physician's assistant. I just saw this alternative provider on Mon. The pharmacy rejected her script for a higher dose of my antidepressant. Also, she had no interest in what I was telling her about me having some worsening depression.

After my boyfriend died, I was okay for 3 weeks. Then I wasn't. I called my clinic for help. They said I didn't need any help. My sister sent police to do a "wellness check." The officer found me unable to stop crying and brought me to a small hospital ER. They sent me to a small psych inpatient facility. I got the care I needed.

The clinic where I go is affiliated with a big university hospital that has a big psych facility. It's known for being a bad place. But I did used to get med management there. They eventually told me that my treatment goal was to stop coming to that place. So I got tossed out of there and started getting my psych medication through my primary.

I never ask for much attention. I guess they think I'm a fake. It shouldn't take 3 months to get a small increase in my antidepressant.

I can't let this get me down.

Rose you got this! How about we both go to the senior center and compare experiences on Monday night. You are right just getting there and sitting in a reading nook would probably be of help to you

In dealing with the docs sometimes you shouldn't say too much until they see you in person. Then tell them in clear terms that you cannot function as you need to.

Please know I am here. Will check in tomorrow night. I really think you are making good progress from just a short time ago. You might be the last one to see that and feel its true.

@Deejay14 - Thank you. I will go to the center soon and compare experiences.

The phone call from the clinic threw me off balance. I almost could cry, but they are unworthy of my tears.

I'm making a good supper and working on mail. I am better than the last 2 days.

I was tempted to text my provider how hurt I am, but I might regret that.

I wish everyone here a peaceful night of restorative rest.

*showers loves all over the thread for Rose*

the bigger hospital doesn't sound like a good place

sadly even here, the mental health people often believe someone's faking something, i have a vague memory of the big hospital near where i lived, calling me a time waster and telling me to go home, when i turned up

I'll never go back to that area, i can't, does my brain too much extra damage even seeing the area I lived at the time, on google maps