I need some encouragement.

To be content doing nothing because I don't care is not a good feeling. I can see where me using the word, content, is misleading. It's a feeling of complete apathy. Apathy is somewhat relaxing, but I've never, ever enjoyed feeling apathetic. If you ever went to your vehicle and the engine just wouldn't turn over, that's the feeling. All of a sudden, you're not going anywhere.

It's about 5 p.m. I got out of bed at 4:30 p.m. because, suddenly, I just didn't feel so bad. I had a cup of coffee. I feel up to taking a shower now, which is a breakthrough. Then I want to straighten up my place. For the past 2 days, I haven't washed a dish. I hate when my apartment gets messy. It's a comfy place when I stay on top of things.

If I restore some order, I'll feel much better.

@divine1966 - Yes, small goals for this evening are the way to go. Right now I'm thrilled that I don't feel like going back to bed. That's all I did all day.

This "episode" or "tailspin" might be winding down. Once I get out of a tailspin, it's amazing how good I can feel.

Thank you all for every post above.

Since last evening, I've felt pretty okay. The "episode" ended. Now I feel more or less normal.

This evening I want to finish the livingroom and make a meatloaf. It's like I was in quicksand and got pulled out. Now if I can just sustain this for a reasonable interval - at least till mid Jan.

I don't know what happens to my mind that I get so low, and it just ends when it ends.

I do think that lack of good habits and a steady routine is what makes me susceptible to going off the rails like I do. I do have to work on having more structure. Good suggestions have been offered to me in this thread.

I am so happy to hear that you feel better!



I have a strong belief in routines with enough space for relaxing. Routines work well for me.

You know, Rose, that of course your life situation has some impact on your total wellbeing (your borderline siblings and more). I hope for you that you will have time for going through your interests after Christmas and the join one or more groups with people who have similar interests.

I'll PM you a link to a book recommendation that works very well for me. To see what it is about can give you an idea if you think it is something for you as well. I repeat it every morning (not the whole book, but some of the advises that is given there) so I remember to use the tools.

Today didn't go well. I better go get blood drawn tomorrow. I'm abnormally tired. It could be from depression. This is disappointing.

I am very tired as well. I went to sermon in the church one evening and I almost fell asleep. Better times will come ...

Rose, please don't expect that the depression will leave you quickly. Take "baby steps" and expect setbacks. I know how it feels when one thinks that it will be better and then have a setback. A setback is no catastrophe, but a part in the road out of depression. I don't know if this can help you, but for me it has helped to talk to the "Setback": "I am not going to be fooled by "you"! Today I am going to take it easy and don't worry about my psyche".

Just thinking, sometimes it can be making that huge push to do something that tires us next day.

I heard this described as the spoon theory, you only have so many spoons (energy) for activities and once they’re used that’s it, time to rest.

Have you recently been checked for anemia?

I think I read somewhere that you had a gastrointestinal bleed?
I don't think getting into a routine is a bad idea. Coffee works for me.
All the best to you.

I had very low iron level in my bloodstream some weeks ago. My doctor put me on a doze of iron intake each day. Am going back for a check up in February. It takes it's time to fill the iron storage up again.

So here I am, thinking that my depression is on it's way out because of me being clever to look out for triggers, when it all can be due to the iron mixture.

Well, I suppose it can be both, a combination!

I recently had a bag of I/V iron to treat anemia from a recent ulcer bleed. I'm probably not anemic now. I should go for labs in the upcoming week.

Tonight I want to gather up the boxes that held Xmas stuff and put them in my outside storage closet. Two nights ago, I put up my Nativity set and my Victorian village that was my boyfriend's. They look very nice. More stuff is strewn around and a bunch of empty boxes. If I would just pick up that stuff and stow it, my place would look nice. That would make me feel much better. It's already dark and cold, but I think I can still get it done.

I keep thinking of my sister who is giving me the cold shoulder. She telephoned me when she was drinking and stressed me out. This was in July. I was in the hospital. So I told her the call upset me. Since then she's staying out of touch. I didn't think she'ld keep this up so close to Christmas. I've called her and texted and sent a nice Xmas card. She acts too busy to interact. I've gone through this with her before. I truly don't deserve this. I've been there for her when she's had tough times. I should stop thinking about it. She's immature and spiteful. I shouldn't expect better of her.

I was alone last Christmas, and it didn't bother me. This year I do feel isolated.

Well, let me put away the boxes.

We all have the need to be appreciated and welcomed. Hope you don't have to sit alone at Christmas, but may be it is wise to have a plan B, just in case.

How can you make a good Christmas alone? There are lots of people who have to be alone. May be it can help on the "I am worth something"- feeling to make a different Christmas with a new menu and do other things then usual? It is just a suggestion, but may be it is better to have an alternative plan then to be caught off guard and sit there in a flow of old and sad feelings (if you have to be alone).

@Rosi700 - It will be an okay Christmas, if I just have my place neat and clean. And make myself a nice dinner. Maybe go to church.

I never did put away the boxes last evening. I did nothing. This morning I woke up with terrible anxiety that I am really falling apart. I was becoming a nervous wreck.

But I've calmed down. Today is another day. I can do today what I failed to do yesterday. I don't have to fall apart. It's useless to get mad at myself for not doing things sooner. Yesterday is over. I can't change it. It's a week till Christmas. It doesn't have to be a bad week just because the past 7 days were a bad week. I need to have a little faith in myself. I feel like I've lost that.

Now I'll have some tea and Panettone. Then I can put away the boxes. Maybe this evening I'll go somewhere to look at Christmas lights. It's not too late to give myself a pleasant week before Christmas. If I make a small ham and sweet potatoes on Christmas, I will enjoy that.

The main thing seems to be that I have to stop being mad at myself. For some reason, I fell into a bad episode of depression. I didn't ask for it. I didn't do anything nasty that I need to feel guilty about. I have felt awful guilty . . . like I don't deserve to have any respect for myself. I have felt like it is a disgrace for me to have gotten depressed, when many people cope with much worse problems and don't get all blue that things aren't better. That train of thought is making me worse. Since my boyfriend died in 2020, I have recovered from grief and I've managed to not be depressed for a lot of the past 2 years. So, if I got through that, I can get through this. I think I'll try being nice to myself for awhile today. I'll tell myself that any little thing I get done is something to be happy about. Something is better than nothing, even just little somethings.

I didn't intend to continue this thread, and I thought I'ld be over this tailspin by now. But I'm not.

For some months, I'ld been on a reduced dosage of amitriptyline, an antidepressant. (I went from 60 mg to 45 mg.) I think I better go back to a higher dose.

It's been feeling like I'm stuck in this trough. When I make myself get up and do things, I do feel better. But it doesn't last. I keep slipping back down. That's not my usual patten, which is why I'm concerned. I feel like I need help.

I don't doubt that I can get better. It's just taking too long.

It’s good you’re thinking about and being proactive with your meds. Hoping a bump up on the amitriptyline will help you get some momentum going.

Would you be able to have a chat when you request the higher dose about this being different to your normal pattern?

It may be a while before I can get in to see my primary. I should call today.

I need to go to the store for a few things. It's very hard for me to do anything that makes any sense.

One of my sisters called and was very nice. I believe my other sister is mad at me and won't call. I've felt so awful that she's been giving me the cold shoulder. Stewing about it is not doing me any good.

If I go to the store, I'll feel a little better. This has ruined Christmas for me. I just have to get over it.

I made a good dinner for myself on Christmas. The day wasn't too bad. I'm very depressed today.

I thought about calling for an appointment with my PCP. I decided against it today. I feel really stuck.

I keep hoping this will just blow over. That's what usually happens.

I worry that, if I report being depressed to my PCP, she might send me to the psych clinic for any med adjustment. She might decide not to continue ordering my antidepressant, but want that to be done by the psych department.

I used to get my psych care at that clinic, and I came to hate the place. I would dread going back there.

I feel like there's no good option. I wish there were someone trustworthy I could talk to.

Am sorry for you Rose! Is there any way you can follow the development of your depression? I mean that if you have a tool that tells you if it goes the right or wrong way, it will be more easy to take the decision about what to do.


I have found that apps for bipolar works well for depressed people generally (at least for me).


If you feel it is worth the effort I can reccomend "Dailo". With this app one can fill in some selfmade items to measure as well. "eMoods" seem to help to spesify more. If the thought of registrating appeals to you, you can google for moodtracker apps yourself.

I wish you all the best and that you will find out if you need a to contact your PCP or not (with or without an app)!

Thanks for that suggestion. I'll look up some apps.

I'm aware of how things are going just from how I'm doing. My posts here at MSF give me a good enough record. "Tailspins" always blow over. I can look at old threads here to confirm that, which I may do to try and bolster hope.

So wise!

Usually I go out every day to get out of the house, even if it's just to the store for some milk and bread. I get in the car, and I go somewhere and check out something. Today is 3 days straight that I've not left the house. It feels like I've been in here for a month. I'm getting loony.

If I don't improve tomorrow, then I'm really stuck in a mental quagmire. My experience accessing professional mental health services has been that most of it is not too helpful. Basically, I just want to get my dosage of amitriptyline upped. For that, I should talk to my primary. She's a P.A. She orders all my meds. I'm taking more on my own right now. That should be alright because what I take isn't much. Any psychiatrist would readily up it. Upping it might not help a lot, but it's worth trying. I just don't want to get referred over to that psych clinic. The place creeps me out. It's government run. It's the psych care provider of last resort, with cops bringing people there all the time. The place is over-burdened, and they're not eager for more clients. Ten years ago, I was being seen there for med-management. The psychiatrist decided that my treatment goal should be to stop coming there. I've been happy to oblige for the past decade.

I need to go out to pick up a prescription refill. It's so hard for me to dress and go out. This is awful. After 5 p.m. already.

I did talk to my clinic where I get primary care. No appointments available till March.

I'm getting nowhere figuring out how to pull out of this slump.

The reality is I need to just start doing all that I've been neglecting.

March???? What if you are sick, are you suppose to just be sick till March? I keep reading these things on the forum that people can’t see regular GPs for months and I just can’t wrap my mind. Who do you suppose to see if you are sick?