I need some encouragement.

I agree with that! The moment I understood the chronic face of my depression, I have been aware of the possibility to contribute to making the depression worse by giving in to it.

That does not mean that I always find a quick fix to it, but that being aware that it is chronic either I like it or not, is what I try to let be the ground under myself.

Such a ground helps my feeling of being responsible. It is my responsibility to take care of my depression just as it is my responsibility to take care of my diabetes. That does not mean that I never fail, but it means that when I from the downside of depression, understand that now I am there again, I can look into my toolbox and start to rebuild myself.

I see that you and I share such thoughts and that is good!

I once got brave, and asked a dear friend how she was able to keep her head above water so gracefully, and seemingly all the time, considering all the things she had to juggle on top of her battle with depression. She answered that she was grateful for every little, good, thing. And she added that the "little things" can add up to one, BIG, good thing.

I have never forgotten that.

I have found mindfulness and gratitude to be two of the greatest tools in my battle for wellness.

What a strategy to reprogram your brain! I can see where that could work. Interesting tactic for imprinting a habit. I may try that.

I think the mindset you describe is a good antidote to wallowing in self-pity, which I think tends to prolong depressive episodes. It's really a way of self-empowerment, when you can appreciate that some things have gone well and that you do have capacities for determining what kind of life you're going to give yourself.

Compared to many inhabitants of this planet, there's a lot of problems that I don't have. I'll never not have enough to eat. I got lucky in the birth lottery. I try not to take that for granted. I recognize that I'm spoiled in how much my basic needs are securely met.

I haven't been able to maintain the relative wellness I felt earlier in Jan. I have not gone back to how low I was in Dec. That was real emotional pain. I'm glad I'm not in that state of mind.

However, where I'm at now isn't good. Tomorrow I have an appointment to get a vaccine shot. That will, at least, get me dressed and out of the house. That will probably give me a boost. I hope so. For days I've been doing very little. I sleep too much. I don't go anywhere. I didn't even start to take down my tree and decorations. I know I don't have to. I know there's no deadline. But I'ld feel so much better, if I were getting things done.

Baby steps. You'll do what you can, when you can. In the meantime, can you do something nice for yourself? A cup of hot chocolate, hugging a stuffed animal, a warm bath?? Just a thought.

Thank you for those good suggestions. Swiss Miss hot chocolate is how I start most days. I did just take a long, warm bubble bath, followed by a shower and shampoo. (That's my accomplishment for the day.) I did cook a TV dinner in the microwave, which tasted ok. Now I'm having ice cream for dessert. The bath and the meal sort of helped. I'm watching my talking heads TV shows that analyze the news. That's my nightly habit.

I spend an awful lot of time in front of the TV. I think it's because I feel less alone. In the kitchen, I tune the radio to whatever talk show I can find.

I'm used to being alone a lot. But this is too much. When I think I should find something in my community to get involved in, I start to imagine that not going well. I've always suffered from social anxiety, bordering on phobia. I believe I'll have to force myself. I think I can force myself, but I keep putting it off.

This evening I started to have mounting anxiety. I took an extra pain pill (Vicodin.) It helped me to feel more relaxed. I rarely do that. But I was getting desperate to feel less bad. I was getting very worried that I was heading into a worse state of mind.

I agree that I have to be nice to myself. When I criticize myself harshly, I just get more depressed. Mornings are the worst. I dread tomorrow because I'll wake up not wanting to do anything. It's been like that for too many days.

Suddenly, I have major car trouble. I'm trying to stay calm. I believe I can manage to have it fixed, if the cost is under $2000.

It's not the end of the world. Somehow I'll get through this too.

I'm having a hard time. I know this thread is old. For awhile I seemed to be getting myself together. Then I went downhill over the past couple of days. And now, with my latest stress, I feel really discouraged. It's cold today, and my furnace can't seem to heat my apartment adequately. I tell myself not to let things overwhelm me.

For what its worth, I'm sitting with you.

Yesterday, Monday the 16th, has been dubbed "Blue Monday". Many many people, including people without a clinical diagnosis of depression, report that they're feeling very down by the middle of January. I remember feeling that way for years, before my diagnosis. Winter is just a bummer.

Perhaps consider some supplementing with vitamin D and B-complex vitamins?

I'm doing just alright emotionally, but I'm doing battle once again with a messed-up sleep pattern. I do know what these issues are like. I've been working for years to get this straightened out, and I know I do better in the warmer months because it's simply easier to get up, and get out, and get things done, early in the day. More productive days naturally lead to feeling better.

I'm trying to re-form a happy relationship with my exercise bicycle and treadmill, and am also considering getting a light therapy lamp, and doing some light weight lifting. Making my mornings more essential, and something I can look forward to, would be a very excellent thing.

I hope you find the lift that will help you out of this low period. (((hugggggg)))

Thank you very much. It means a lot to me.

I had major car trouble today. It came with no warning. My car is old, so it may not be worth fixing. I'm having a lot of anxiety over it.

I did call my sister . . . the one who had been ignoring me for months. I used to always call her for car advice. She acted alright on the phone. I told her I felt bad not hearing from her at Christmas and I was worried she was mad at me. She denied being mad at me. She said she was giving me space. That sounded like baloney. But she was cordial on the phone.

That was our family's culture - giving the cold shoulder to express a grievance, but never speaking honestly about an issue. Because I have no children, I've always tried so hard to be on good terms with my siblings. They are all the family I have, so I've walked on eggshells trying to stay on everyone's good side.

I told my sister that I've been depressed and would be grateful if she'ld call me now and then. I'll see what happens.

The car trouble (transmission completely failed) was just the last straw on top of my already feeling bad. So now I feel overwhelmed. I tell myself nothing that's happening is so awful.

But I feel bad and alone.

Thanks for the empathy. Sleep irregularity is tough. I deal with that too. I do always feel let down when the holidays are over. My tree is still up. I'ld be embarrassed for someone to walk in and see it. I do need to take some Vit D.

I hope you feel better yourself soon.

If this depression keeps up, I may get a plane ticket and fly back east to visit my sisters. I have been way too alone for too long.

Tomorrow morning I have to decide whether to have my car towed to a repair shop or to a junk yard. I've had the car for over 20 years. It's been a good car. I'm very sad about this.

I'm not in a position to go buy another car right now. I can survive without a car, but life will be a lot harder. I feel grief-stricken, like it was more than a machine.

The past few hours have been hard. I break down and sob. I had started to come out of that last episode, and now another major episode is starting. I guess, eventually, I won't feel as bad as I do now. People go through worse things and manage to recover.

It's this constant aloneness that is eating away at my soul. I feel like I just want to escape it.

My primary provider is a physician's assistant. She won't get too involved in treating my depression. If I tell her I'm seriously depressed, she'll want to send me to the psych facility. Maybe they could help me, but I'm not real hopeful of that.

Maybe, if I was put on Seroquel, it might calm down some of the agitation I feel. Some years back, they were pushing that drug on me. I didn't like it and declined to stay on it. It did knock me out at night. It's miserable to feel so agitated at this hour, in the middle of the night. It takes forever to be seen at the psych facility.

A benzo like Ativan or Valium would help to slow down this frantic fearfulness, but they don't like prescribing benzos, especially since I take hydrocodone. I don't think there's any meaningful help that's going to be offered to me. That's what reinforces the alone feeling. I just have to live with this condition of my mind being a mess.

I am not sure why your primary provider is not a doctor. Could you get a doctor to see you?

My GP does have two nurse practioners working for him. So I am usually asked if I want to see my doc or does it matter. Usually I want to see him but sometimes I don’t care and see NP if it’s a minor thing.

But everyone I know go to a doctor and see PAs or NPs only if they are there and you are ok just seeing them. But they aren’t your primary providers.

I’ve been reading on this forum how many people either don’t have GP at all or it’s not the actual doctor but NP pr PA or some people just go to random urgent care for no urgent needs expecting treatment. I wonder if it’s a regional thing. No one I know does it here.

Could you talk to a mechanic if it’s worth to repair a transmission? It might be worth it?

Hi Rose, The sympthoms you decribe is part of the depression diagnose (and you know it). Depression become worse when you have too high demands on yourself. If you have anxiety in addition, it is not good to look at yourself as someone who are not good enough to do what is expected.

I know that at your place it is not easy to get treatment (you have told so), but please try to follow an app or something (I have found that what works best for me is CBT). In CBT you are to callenge you "false belief" about that you are not doing enough with another thought, perhaps that you are tired after many years with stressful situations and that that is okay. Here are some CBT forms for free. You can load them down at the library if you don't have a printer.
Free CBT Worksheets | Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Exercises | the Think CBT Workbook

It is limited what you can get of help if you cannot pay for it. CBT should be a good alternative because it has been scientifly proven that it works for many people.

I am not trying to push my ideas about what I like best upon you, only trying to see what is most realistic. If you like another sort of therapy, google it and see if there are any apps or selfhelp books for it.

If you have anxiety, you need to learn a type of relaxation exercise that you can use in an "here and now" situation. As an example: If you want to join a knitting group, you think of that when you are doing your relaxation exercises. After sevral days (or perhaps two weeks) with the same relaxation exercises, it is time to visit the group and do the exercises inside yourself (watch your breath) when you are visiting.

(While you are doing self help it can be a good idea to have online contact with the DBSA alliance so you at least see some people).

I know of a very good anti-depression book that helped me some years ago. PM me if you want the title. I know of scientificly proved relaxation exercises as well. PM if you want a link.

I wish you all the best!

PS My spell schek doesn't work, so please excuse spelling mistakes.

@divine1966 - thanks for checking my thread.

I will have a shop look at my car today. Maybe they can fix it, but we're probably talking over $2000. I could swing that amount, but not much more.

My PCP is supervised by an MD. But the expectation is that I see the P.A. who is my PCP. That's how it is. We're a poor state. That may ha e something to do with it.

@Rosi700 - thank you for the suggestions. I'll look at them again later. I'm exhausted now.

Years ago I was in a partial hospitalization program. It taught the CBT approach of challenging "automatic thoughts." I know there is evidence of that approach helping people. I do challenge all my thinking. I don't believe false negative thoughts.

CBT is not an approach that fixes everything. It's not always possible to logic away emotional pain. Sometimes you just have to recognize the pain and know that healing happens with the passage of time. I've been in a lot of pain. I know it's unlikely that the pain will last forever.

When my boyfriend died in 2020, I had some bad pain to go through. I went through it. And I recovered. It's likely that will happen again. That's the best I can do.

My sister hurt me by not calling me at Christmas. It was mean of her. She was mad and acted spitefully. I deserved better than that. This is how she treats people - not just me. I have to lower my expectations. She was mean to my father when he was dying. This is her character. I've gone thru things like this with her before. It's just who she is. My other sister has been very kind. I'm lucky to have her in my life. People are as they are.

I tend to rely on science now, instead of medications from a pdoc to deal with my depression or anxiety and it's helped me tremendously. For me, a pill and talking to a stranger once or twice a week did nothing to resolve my issues.

Have you tried changing your routines and your nutrition? Also, if CBT or DBT doesn't work for you, then consult with a general physician as what you may be experiencing are side effects from your medications or an underlying physical health condition (low vit d or low iron or a low thyroid).

@Motts - Thank you. I am being treated for anemia. I have to get my blood drawn this week to check on that.

See?! My point exactly. I am anemic, too with a low thyroid and some gallbladder issues. When I experience major anxiety attacks, I know immediately now to get my iron and thyroid TSH levels tested b/c when those are "off," my body's alarm system is to trigger my anxiety. Each and every time.

I am sorry if I have hurt you. May be I was too direct. I am depressed as well for the time being, so I am a bit slow in my thinking and writing. I meant it well.
For me CBT is the real cure. That is why I recommend it to people whom I hope can use it if they want it, of course. It took me years to understand what CBT really is about. I laughed about that method earlier.

You are right. CBT doesn't cure everything even if it has become more sophisticated now, than it was before. It does not give me my BF back. It does not give me my dead friends back. Neither does it give me some understanding people in my life NOW, neither this nor that. But, and that is important to me, it can give me strategies to fight in the here and now, help me to set up goals and work toward them one by one. Help me to not give into depression too easily and to rise as quick as possible when I have a set-back.

Let us do our best with the methods we know best, each at our parts in the world. (We don't have to make a big deal about this. It was only a tired person who tried to, in a way she thought was polite at the moment, to tell about what is effective for her and wanted another person to know about that if that other person wanted to use the same methods).

I send good hopes your way! May you depression not last too long!