[Mayam]

*I posted this in the new member forum but figured I post it here too.

Hello Everyone,

I found this site a few days ago while searching treatment options. To come right to the point, I'm pretty damn depressed. Can't sleep, can't eat, hate being at work but don't want to go home, abandoned all my hobbies. It's pretty miserable.

The story. I've been single for a couple years now, the break up was a nightmare and devastated me. I had to scramble through it alone and unemployed. I pulled myself together and got a new job and threw myself into it. Working helps me a lot. I'd say I'm addicted to it. Days off scare me. So I kept my head down and worked. I didn't want to meet anyone, I don't even want close friendships. That sounds pretty bad, and probably is. But I haven't had a close relationship that didn't end up hurting like hell in the end yet.

So you know I met someone right ? Oh GOD it was so wrong. Just wait I'm getting there, and you'll probably call me an idiot at least a dozen times in the process. I work with her (idiot), and her Mom (idiot). People at work were pushing us together for months. I was terrified but didn't want to tell anyone, especially her.

So finally, shortly before Christmas she makes the move and calls me. It went fast from there. With in a few days we ended up at a party together, a WORK party (idiot). Couldn't keep our hands off each other. I nearly got in a fight with the bartender because he wouldn't let her off the dance floor (idiot), he was being a prick though.

We would talk all the time, text msg at work, you can guess. I spent the night at her house, nothing happened though because she was sick, and I'm getting to that part. Then about 10 days ago it just stopped. She stopped answering the phone, stopped responding to my texts, didn't want me to come over. I'm thinking another guy. Finally I catch her at work and she basically says she wants to slow down and doesn't want our supervisors to know. This of course is all being complicated by a real evil, sociopathic, ******. Who is constantly telling her that me and her are sleeping together and we're in a relationship and all this, further more that our supervisors WILL find out. All of that is completely untrue but this ****** is jealous and actually enjoys making her cry. Seriously.

So a couple more days go by and we still aren't talking. I'm getting fed up. So I call her Mom to see whats up and find out that she's in the hospital throwing up blood and trying to swallow her tongue. Yep, I freak out. She is severely anemic and has colitis... and stopped taking her medicine. So I'm thinking, well that's what it is, she still wants to be together but she's deathly ill. Strange relief but at least I know what the problem is. I'll tell you all, there is one sure fire way to push me over the edge from someone I care about. All they have to do is simply stop talking to me and my mind will chew it's self up with what ifs.

So yesterday I call her Mom to check on her and it turns out she's been released. Her Mom puts her on the phone and her tone immediately tips me off that she would rather not talk to me. Great. So she tells me that she is very sick right now, as is her Son. She is trying to move into her apartment and is going to be seeing a specialist several states away. That she can't focus on me or a relationship right now. I can accept this. So I tell her I understand but I'd like to still see her. I ask her if we can talk more about this after I get off work and she says she'll call. And doesn't.

I'm so f***ing confused! I get it, she's busy. I fought like hell against a relationship but weeks ago she's calling me telling me she keeps dreaming about me (like HOT dreams she's telling me in detail), just getting me all spun up. I fought and I fought but it was making me so damn happy. I couldn't stop thinking about her but my whole world felt perfect. I would go to her house and me her and her 1 year old son would just lay in bed together (don't take that the wrong way). She would sleep and me and him would play peek-a-boo. He'd sit in my lap and I would teach him to draw letters and numbers.

I kept thinking that this was too perfect. That nothing feels this good and this right without a cost. F**K, the bills already due and they didn't even offer me dessert!

So anyway, I'm in the midst of another perfect breakdown. I can't do it alone again though. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Feb. 6th. A couple friends from work know whats up but I can't let them in on how bad this is hurting me. In my experience friends want you to be there for them when they have needs, it doesn't work the other way.

Why do I keep ending up like this? It never fails! I'm already so damn scared to be close to anyone. I work so hard to accept being alone. Then I meet someone despite my desire not to and I realize how much better it is to be with someone. Then I'm alone again. How does one break this vicious cycle? Monastary? Castration? Just what are my options here? Because this whole can't sleep, can't shut my mind up business isn't working for me.

I'm not going to kill myself. I had a friend who did 12 years ago and it still hurts. Something has got to break though. I mean this is bad.

About 6 months ago I took a job washing dishes, just anything to not be in my house. Now I'm threatening the executive chefs job and getting ready to go to culinary school. They promoted me with in a month. My first two weeks as a cook I worked 142 hours. I wasn't happy but I was focused and moving up fast, I was satisfied. They just put me in charge of inventory and food cost a couple weeks ago and are gonna negotiate a salary for me based on my performance there. Now? My brain is wasted. My productivity sucks!

Can anyone tell me is there hope for this? Can a doctor really do anything to help this? I've been treated before. First time around they gave me Paxil and Neurontin and some other junk. No thanks. Second time they gave me Effexor and Lithium and told me I was bipolar (I'm not). Kept me on free samples of Effexor for about 4 months then tell me I have to start paying for it without insurance and I can't. Abruptly stopping Effexor is REAL bad, trust me. Like agoraphobia kind of bad. I lost my job, my apartment, my girlfriend, all but my life and had to recover from that.

Sorry this is so damn long. Apparently i do want to talk to someone though huh ? I think it helps that this is anonymous.

If you read all this, you must be REALLY bored ! But i appreciate it and anyone's words of advice would also be very much appreciated. Feel free to respond with any wisdom you think may help me with this here or PM me. Thank you all and especially the creators and mods of this site. I hope to be a part of your community here and offer what ever help I can to anyone suffering, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on. Hope to talk with you all later.

[Cyran0]

Mayam, welcome to PC my friend.

I can't even begin to guess what's really up with the girl you wrote about. But you're not an idiot, you just gave it a shot and I'm sorry it didn't work out. But do yourself a favor and run away from this girl. Let her sort out her crap and maybe one day this romance can start up again. But right now she's clearly got stuff going on and you're left in misery. It's not good for you and, well, it doesn't sound like you have much of a choice.

Being alone sucks. No argument there. But you wont always be. Try to take a little comfort in that.

Congrats on the promotion. I know the long hours and things are taking a lot out of you but it's still a huge accomplishment. I hope you get a bit of a boost out of that emotionally. This could be the start of a career and having that makes relationships a lot easier.

As for how you relate to relationships, that's harder. That you'll have to work on in therapy because how we deal with romance is a deep and complicated thing. So much so that I'm sometimes shocked that people ever make it work. But they do and so can you. You wont always be alone so don't focus on being that way forever.

Well, I seem to be very opinionated today. Heh, I hope there's something of use to you in all of that.

Good luck to you and be safe.

Cyran0

[Mayam]

Thank you Cyran0.

You're right, I can't even begin to guess what's up with her either. She still hasn't called and I'm not calling anymore either. Not sure how I go from someone she can't stop thinking about to someone she doesn't want to talk to so fast and with no reason I can identify but it is what it is and I'm not going to become a pest.

The thing is the only way I convinced myself to persue a relationship with her is because of the type of person she was describing herself to me as. Somehow she gained my trust, a difficult thing to do with me in matters like this. One of the last things she said to me before I found out she was in the hospital was that she's not used to someone like me. Someone who wants to help, to be around her, to be open about being with her (her child's father didn't want anyone to know they were together, wonder why huh?).

As she tells it the father of her child is a terrible person. He hit her, he took her money for drugs, he slept around and never so much as got her anything for her Birthday, not even a card. He is wanted now for failure to pay child support. This a-hole even sent her $10 just before Christmas and called her to ask her to buy Geno (her son) a present and put his name on it. I did more for her and her Son in a week than he ever has! The night of the party, the first time we met outside work, I gave her money to buy the one present she really wanted to get him and couldn't afford!

As she grew ill (my dumb *** had no idea, I just thought she was tired) I would sit for hours and hours playing with her Son and keeping him occupied so she could sleep, and really enjoyed it. Further more, normally children don't like me. My own 2 and a half year old niece was scared of me until Christmas when they came to visit, I bought her a really cool toy and finally she started talking to me . Her Son loved me instantly though, it was so weird. She even told me that except for me, he has been terrified of any other man that's come over, not just to see her but anyone. She told me that he even runs screaming from his own father the two times he's seen him. The child has started calling me Daddy for God's sake, no joke. Now it's over? I dealt with my fear of being responsible for a child's life and let myself get so close to him and now that's it? OUCH!

I can't really run from her because we work together. She actually returned to work today so far as I know but I took today and tomorrow off. Because honestly, I don't know how to handle this! I don't know what I did. I don't know why we broke up. I don't even know that we did break up! She doesn't talk to me and I have no idea what's wrong.

F**K, if I get sick it doesn't enter my mind to break off a relationship because of it. That makes no sense to me. My brain is convincing it's self that's a BS excuse. To me, if I have someone who wants to help me through a tough time that's awesome and I don't want to lose them. She can't focus on me?! She shouldn't, she should focus on herself and her Son right now but why push me away? Let me focus on helping you too!

This is exactly why I avoid relationships. It doesn't make any sense to me. I was engaged to my last girlfriend. We were together for 5 years, lived together for 2, engaged for 9 months. The wedding got pushed back 2 months but it was already over I now realize. The break up consisted of her telling her parents and friends that I would not allow her to hang out with her friends. That is so not what happened. She informed me that she had started smoking pot again with these people and she was dropping a lot of money going to bars with them (while I struggle to pay rent and bills and avoid drugs). I told her that was unacceptable to me. That apparently constitutes being "controlling". She capped it off by telling me she thought she was pregnant and didn't know who's child it was. She told me this while she was drunk. I told her to come back home and we would get married and raise the child and never had to know who's it was, it was mine - end of story and she agreed. Well, she found out she wasn't pregnant so nevermind. I told her to never call me again.

Days later my job ended, my next job fell through and I didn't have the energy to line something else up. I let myself fail. God it was so bad. No job, no one to talk to about something like this, no car (mine broke down while we were buying hers so we just sold it because we couldn't afford to fix it). Oh my God, I went so long without sleep I would hallucinate voices! At one point I took 16 Unisom and still couldn't sleep. I made it through that though, but just to get here? OUCH AGAIN!

Well, I'm gonna make it through this too. I really don't know why I'm trying except that I have to. I got a job this time that I have to keep (at least I've learned that much, I have to keep money coming in). It's hard as hell and Friday scares the ***** out of me because I'll see her and be lost for words but it's coming no matter how I feel. I've gotta tighten up before then.

I realize I'm talking too much for anyone to read and respond but I think it actually helps me to type all this out. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and I can do that.

[Mayam]

Two days off in a row was a bad idea in retrospect. I didn't know things were so bad when I scheduled it though.

[Perna]

It will all come out in the wash.

It's very hard to recover from an intense relationship but one does. Think of what you put into it of yourself though, now you have to get that back out so you can move on. Not easy.

Take today to see if you can figure out an interest outside your work, closer to home so you can work on balancing a little more? Go to a home improvement store or hobby shop or something and find a project. Go to a bookstore. Don't know what you do at work but perhaps there's some related piece you can spin off at home? Just start something unrelated to work and this girl, doesn't matter how much you don't particularly feel like doing it, just do it the same way you got into the job when it was new.

[Doh2007]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[Cyran0]

Mayam, I don't know how I missed it when you initially posted your response but I just rediscovered this thread today. And today is when you're seeing her again (at least at work). Sorry about that.

So how did it go? Any news?

There's so much compassion and understanding in what you did with her and her son. You were being a great guy and you should be proud of that. Honestly, if what you wrote here really reflects how you are in a relationship, you're going to make some woman very happy. You just need to wait for the right woman to come along.

And in my experience, you can ramble here and only a few people will be scared away. The rest of us seem to have time to read long posts.

I hope all is well.

Cyran0

[Mayam]

Thank you all for your responses.

Today wasn't so bad after all. I was granted a reprieve from seeing her. Her Mom called me at around 12:30 to tell me they had to leave early to pick up her son who is again sick. Yeah me and her Mom still talk, not a word from her still, nadda. Man it's so confusing and this is about the cruelest thing she can do whether she knows it or not - leave me to ask myself endlessly, "What did I do wrong", and then guess at the answer.

I dealt really badly with my two days off and Perna, I really wish I had taken your advice. I literally did not set foot out of my house for those two days. It's another fine piece of confusion why too. I'm actually scared to leave my house because I am scared of coming back. I don't want to go out and be around people and then deal with the fact that I have to go back to my lonely house and have my mind set to cannibalize itself again all night.

I did get some good news though. Out of the blue, an old friend who i used to work for years ago called me and offered me a second job. I use to frame houses for him (was a good job til the residential construction fell out a few years ago) and he called me and told me he had a side job redoing a deck and stairs for someone but as he tore away the old one he found rot and all sorts of damage that he had to repair. He's only been able to work on it two days a week and now he doesn't think he can be done in time so he'd like my help.

This really couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'm such an insomniac and I really am addicted to work. The more I can work the better, keeps my mind off things and often I find that by the time I am able to look up at my problems they are long gone. Probably not a healthy approach but I do still plan on going to the psych on the 6th (hard to maintain my resolve on it though I admit).

Also I come to find out my two bosses are on the chopping block (another manager informed me as we comiserated about their ineptitude ;p). Apparently that's why me and a friend at work are being groomed to do the administrative work. I really feel bad for the sous chef and feel he got caught up in the exec's failures unfairly. He has a wife and two kids and just moved here from half way across the country just for this job. Bought a house and two new cars too. He's a good and caring man, can't cook to save his life but still a good man. I will feel bad if he gets fired and I will stand up for him and speak to the GM on his behalf.

The exec is a functioning alcoholic and a drug addict. He has blamed me for things that happened on my days off and I don't hold a high opinion of him for that reason. Still, if he loses his job and insurance I'm afraid he could be in serious trouble. I'm not sure how to handle that situation.

Also I've offered to volunteer at a soup kitchen for shut ins on Wednesday night. I want to try and help them to fix more nutritous (lot of diabetics and hepertensives around this area) and better tasting meals with in their budget. Because really, the food I saw them make was an atrocity ! I figure thinking about someone elses problems may be a better use of my time than failing miserably at figuring out my own.

As far as her? Yeah, I'm like that. My Mom is really the only person I talk to but I can't really talk to her about my problems, just listen to hers, which is fine but in matters like this? I'm just terrible with them. She knows my history though and because of it she despises any woman who comes into my life. I actually did tell my Mom about her and her Son. Her exact words, "You are making the next big mistake of your life." That's pretty harsh. So I haven't really mentioned much more about it.

It's getting tough waiting for the right woman though. I'm 29 now, I know that won't seem old to most but really, I hear that clock ticking, loudly. At this point my child would be going to college as I close in on 50! I kinda had aspirations of being at my grand children's graduations at least. Yeah, I think about this stuff. Also i am the youngest male of my family, my entire family, and still without another male generation. I'm 29, I'm the youngest, you see what I'm saying? My brother had a son who passed away shortly before he turned one (it was soul crushing for him and all of us really, my Brother is the best man I've ever known). They have also lost another daughter and their first born who turns 16 in a couple weeks has severe downs and autism. They are scared to death to try again. They had a healthy, and the happiest , little girl I ever met two and a half years ago and they are content with that. I'm very happy for them but I feel that pressure falls to me now. I'm fine to take it (oh GOD don't get me started on my fear of raising a child) but I kinda need a partner here ya know?

Well, I suppose tomorrow is gonna be doomsday. It's not so much that I'm scared but that I have no clue what to expect. Will she avoid eye contact with me, not even speak a word to me? Will she act as though nothing ever happened between us? Not exactly expecting her to catch me in the walk in to kiss me anymore.

I need to talk to her but I don't know that's even possible anymore, and I still don't know why. Man this was the worst thing that could have happened. I don't know why I let myself do this.

I can understand how she feels after what she's been through with this last guy (the only guy she'd ever been with). Did I give off some sign that I was disloyal though? Maybe I told her I had to go to bed too quickly one night? Maybe offering to help her pay her bills was too much? The flowers? But who wouldn't bring someone in the hospital flowers? I don't know. She's the only one who could really answer this. In the midst of her illness and dealing with her Son's illness I can't persue it with her though. I just have to find peace with it myself and if it takes me finding a new job then so be it. I don't really want to deal with the drama unfolding at my main job right now anyway.

Well, let's see how tomorrow unfolds. It's promising to be a busy night again with a plated banquet and a fairly full house so far with our Wine and Dine offer (entrees matched to specific wines - I have no expertise in this area, most wine tastes to me like feet smell ). Somehow or another I have to pull myself together again for tomorrow. It sucks but really, my best option to be worth a damn the next day is to not sleep again. Oh man, balancing it all on the head of a pin again whether I wanted to or not.

I'll check back in tomorrow.

[Mayam]

Oh yeah and I have MRSA and it came back again. I got some antibiotics for a chest cold and it took only one day to set it off again after 3 years. I'm not really happy about that because I thought it was gone.

It's come on quick. I only get it on my thighs but as you can imagine it's pretty painful to have an infection rub against your pants all day. To top it off no one can know because technically, it's highly contagious and well, I work in a restaraunt ya know? I'm not worried about giving it to someone really (because I don't touch my thigh during the course of work) but I know it's gonna come to surgery again because of how quick this one came on. It's gonna suck, the last time I didn't act until it was getting into my veins. It was so swollen that antisthetic wouldn't stay in the tissue and they had to do surgery without. Not one of my best memories.

That's kind of worrying me too. I have to put it off as long as possible. To do this side job, to deal with my main job and step up as I'm needed there. To try and repair this relationship if possible. At most I have 6 - 8 weeks with it I'm guessing (just in time for the tourist season to come back, yay!) I don't know what to do.

The treatment is horrible, they have to cut it open and purge it. The last time took over an hour and a half. Lot's of bleeding, pulling out blood clots, it sucks a lot. They pack it with gauze and then you have to go and have it cleaned out daily which feels like having flaming nails shot through your leg. Then there is the antibiotics, always a good time for the intestines. I'm not terribly excited about it. Just find a place for it on the pile though huh?

I probably shouldn't have mentioned this. It's 4am though and I'm grasping at sanity. Few hours though and I've gotta pull myself together to handle today.

[Mayam]

So yesterday kind of sucked. Come to find out that the afore mentioned sociopath is still trying to stir ***** up and bringing the woman I love to tears. Not being able to talk to me (I told her if she called me, texted me, spoke to me, or so much as made eye contact I would report it as harrasment and have her fired) she has been buggin the hell out of my friend. After other efforts failed she decided to tell my girlfriend that my friend said, 'she is a slut who dumped me so she could chase *** this summer'. A complete lie but someone in her delicate state is easily rocked. When I walked in I felt it. I can't take much more of this. This ***** is stressing her constantly and destroying me psychologically as well but I'll be damned if she knows it. I demanded that she be fired and I'm not joking, it's gonna be her or me no matter what else happens.

I did get to talk to her though. Basically, she is still very sick and taking a lot of medicine to stabilize her which is causing her a lot of problems. She's lethargic, confused, light headed, constant headaches, you get the picture. Plus her son still has a high fever. Her exact words, "I've been staying up all night watching him to make sure he doesn't stop breathing." Yep, it scares the %#@&#! of me too.

I talked to her some more today though. I couldn't help it, I saw her getting ready to leave and it was just such a rush. I had to tell her how beautiful she looked. Wow. I felt that I shouldn't say it but it got us to talking. I asked her how she felt about us. She told me she felt the same but that she just didn't have time for a relationship right now between taking care of herself and her Son. I asked her if she wanted to talk to me anymore. She said yeah and why don't I call her? I told her I didn't want to call while she was sleeping or taking care of her Son. She told me to call her tonight.

I'm still conflicted though. I can't turn my feelings for her off, I just don't work that way. I've supressed myself socially for about 2 years now and was scared to death to open up. I have now though and I just can't put my feelings back in the box that easily. No one seems to get that. Most of the people I interact with at work are the casual stand, meet at a bar and barely remember their name kind of people. I'm sure I'm as alien to them as they are to me. 'Just hit it and quit it', I'm sure is their view.

Someone actually said to me today that 'you just love to be miserable'. Yep, that's gotta be it. It's not that I'm concerned about someone I love was puking blood 10 days ago, or that her Son is extremely sick. It's not that I'm concerned about a relationship that is VERY important to me. It's not that I have a psycho assasinating my character and her's with no thought to sending her back to the hospital. Couldn't be that I have a bacteria consuming the flesh on my leg and I'm trying to figure how long I can carry on with it before I have to be hospitalized again. No, I just don't want to see that silver lining do I?

Eh, well I'm gonna text her now to see if she's awake. I'm dead on my feet anyway. Think I can sleep a few but I need to do this. Thank you all for listening to me and I'll check back in.

[Mayam]

She didn't respond to the text so i didn't call. Cancel that sleep thing. It just ain't happening. I hate my bed, really my pathetic Walmart futon. I gave her my brand new, ultra comfortable bed (it looked like most of my nights would be spent there anyway and I wasn't using it).

I know she's asleep. I've been around her during this so I know. This medicine is so quick to put her to sleep. She is so scared for her Son though. I just feel I should be there, not in a romantic sense necessarily but, I could really do that. Watch her Son and Her while they sleep. Why aren't I there? This is so hard. I'm an insomiac anyway. Yeah, being awake is a course of nature for me anyway. I can do it.

Oh Christ, this is crushing me. I need help. How did God ever expect us to handle this stuff alone?

We'll get it right. God knows what he's doing.

[mrsmoggles]

Hey Mayam...I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents...first of all, I see that you care ALOT about the way other people feel and you bend over backwards to try and make others happy...but this is to your detriment. It hurts you and make you question yourself. This is a bad spiral. I know from personal experience. I had to hit rock bottom and then 3 floors under before I could start to climb up again. It hurts and it feels so isolating and cold and you have only you and your self recriminations running thru your head. It makes you wish you weren't here...

My advice: you need to look at yourself in a new light...just put your self where a person you helped and would give the shirt off your back to...what does it feel like to do something for yourself??? it is an amazing feeling once you do soemthing totally selfish...even if it is splurging and eating a banana split for breakfast on a day off...go get a pedicure, it feels awesome...buy yourself a magazine. and perna is right, a library is fun or even barnes and noble...As far as the girl, if you can, just think of her as a friend, be cordial, but put yourself first...if she reaches out then you can decide, take your power back and give it to yourself...you owe it to you...and when the time is right, the right one will come along and you will think that all this has happened to give you some perspective and learning that is the foundation to your future...we are here to learn and it may feel as if the end of the world would be better, or locking yourself in your house and sinking thru the floor would help all around you, but it doesnt...

I too have swung into insomnia again. i dont like taking the sleeping pills so i have been staying up till the wee hours of the morning. i am sorry i wrote a long reply, lol i have some time on my hands...take care...and remember NO is the MOST important word in the dictionary. melanie

[Cyran0]

Mayam, sorry I've been out of touch. You mentioned that you like to work all the time because it makes things easier. Well that, my friend, is EXACTLY how I function and it's kept me from the internet lately. Sorry about that.

But I did read all of your updates and I'm glad you posted them.

I don't know. It sounds to me like you really are doing your best with a crappy situation. My only advice is that, since you seem like an intelligent and caring guy, just trust yourself and do your best. Somehow I sense that you have pretty good instincts and a very good nature and when things get this complicated, that's what everyone depends on.

I hope you keep updating this thread and I hope you're ok.

Be safe.

Cyran0

[Doh2007]

Mayam, I just wanted to say that I'm still listening. I may not have anything to add except my best wishes for you, but I still care.

[hold2truth]

Mayam,

You sound like a really good person. You seem to have a very good tap on how you feel about any given situation. I admire your unquenchable passion, it's the life force that keeps us living. Ironically, I find the life strangling frustration and confusion actually makes life sweeter. I have no idea if that last statement makes any sense at all.

But in any case, you remind me of me, or what used to be me. In my quest to just stay alive (I'm suicidal), I've had to turn myself off to emotion. I find the technique actually helps me stay objective. It's a fact based mentality, and my goal in it is to look at the facts and try to find at least one, ONE, good thing in the situation. I also am they type of personality that is extremely goal oriented, but can't look at the big picture for the sheer overwhelmingness of it. So I take life one chunk at a time.

For example, lets look at some (I would love to try to list them all, but I'll leave that to you), facts:... wait, before I get too ahead of myself, I'd like to think this through. I am just going to ramble off some observations and then try to look at the facts. It seems to me you want to figure out how to settle down, marry, and have a stable life. Before you met this girl, it seems that you were just trying to have stability. Then you met her and her son, and something clicked inside of you. You got a snapshot of stability--this time, in the form of husbandry and fatherhood--and you said "That's what I want!" You appear to be the type of person who, once he has figured out what he wants, goes after it like a dog on a mailman's butt.

You wanted a job. You got it. You wanted prestige in the workplace. You got it. You wanted people to listen to you. Look, management's asking for your opinion on who should go and who should stay, and you were just the dish boy when you started! It seems to me you've got the panache and gung ho to accomplish your goals.

Perhaps maybe a little too much gung ho for certain situations. Life, and I sincerely wish it were, does not have a one-size-fits-all tolerance for gung hoedness. Heh. My husband's hobby is pool, and I've quickly learned that some pockets do not necessarily require that satisfying "SMACK" sound if you wanna win the game. Some hands actually need just a nudge of the ball to make the pocket, but not scratch. It takes a skilled player to know the difference, and when to just nudge. I definitely am not that player.

But the lesson definitely has it's applications. Perhaps the gung ho that seemingly magically got you where you are at work may not get you the same results romantically. I'm not saying you do this intentionally--I smack the ball way too hard at pool. Learning to have a balance--a skilled hand at life-- take a lot of time. I'm 24. You're 29. So much can happen by the time you hit 60. That looks like a big picture to me. And it looks incredible, since you've already had a snapshot of what you would like your life to be. It's mesmerizing to think of all the things that could happen, or not happen, in three decades. Personally, I think it's too much to think about. I get this overwhelmed feeling when I think that far ahead. There's a lot of pressure to have a certain set of things done by then. I find the big picture to be easier to handle if I just focus on what's happening now. Whether I'm married/having kids/graduated with a diploma (just an example) is out of my control RIGHT NOW. I want to be married, so what can I do about it right now, at this very moment?

Right now, the girl's not wanting a relationship. You do not have access to her life. This was her decision. Leave that problem alone and try to emotionally step back from it. Right now, you're not sleeping well. I'm an insomniac too, and I know the benefits/horrors of what sleep deprivation will do to you. Having this extra time and energy on your hands has definitely been a factor your success at work. Your employers love you for it. Einstein (or whoever it was) was brilliant with his work on gravity: what goes up must come down. I don't know if he realized that this works with us, too. For every energy high there is a crash. I'll tell you a secret to success: budget your time. I'm pretty far removed from your situation, so you will have to take what you need from this: perhaps having so much time at work will set you up for failure when you crash. In other words, what will happen when you make big promises to your employers based upon the energy you have--and not knowing when the well will run dry--only to find come crunch time, you simply can't? Has this type of thing happened with you in the past? You've mentioned having new jobs a couple of times. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that means you've had several jobs and have left or quit or were fired or whatever, and you've felt stranded to find another one quickly. You said at one point you were too tired to line up another job after one of them fell through.

Pace yourself, man. I'd recommend allowing yourself to only work during certain hours. I'd also recommend allowing yourself to sleep during working hours. Those two are really important, because they set the pace for the rest of your day. I've found that rhythm and medication makes a WORLD of difference on my perspective. It also forces you to focus on other areas in your life that you'd otherwise normally work on if you weren't working all the time. Having a set number of hours in a day to which you'll be employed safeguards you from overpromising to your bosses. This might not barrel you through as quickly as you'd like, but it'd earn trust on an steady basis, which proves much, much more valuable in the long run. It's a skill, and it takes practice. My gut tells me you can learn this.

One last thought: what would you do if you suddenly found some extra time on your hands? Knowing the girl wants some space, I'd guess that as much as you'd like to invest those extra hours on her and her son, it may not be feasible. So with that assumption aside in mind, I'm curious to hear about what you'd like to do.

[dazzle11215]

hi mayam,

just checking in to see how your week is going.

if i remember correctly you have a counselling appt soon, in a few days? i wish you every luck with that and don't forget be brave and be honest.

catherine