Feel in despair over not belonging.

I am very depressed. It feels like despair. @I have been thinking about suicide. I don't have intentions of harming myself right now.
I don't have any history of suicide attempt. ;

I probably should try to get psychological help. Last time I mentioned having serious depression to my provider (a physician's assistant,) she said she would refer me to the psych department of where I get my health care. But nothing came of that. That's happened more than once with her.

Three years ago, I did get hospitalized for depression with risk of suicide. That was after my boyfriend died. I was a hysterical mess at that time. I'm not like that now. I'm calm. So I probably would not seem in need of help. I don't want to go into any hospital. There's no need. I would not do anything harmful to myself, without giving it a lot of thought beforehand. It's just awful dismaying to think this aloneness will never end while I'm alive.

I've started too many deoression threads, as it is. Looking them over, with their dates, I see that I keep falling into an emotional pit over and over. Each time, it blows over, and then I feel quite chipper and upbeat for awhile. But pretty soon, I'm back in the trough again. It's happening with too much frequency. The main thing is that I have no one to talk to except here. I realize I'm getting too repetitive here.

Call a helpline, Rose, or go to the nearest emergency department of a hospital.

These feelings can be intolerable.

And you do belong, here, with us. You have us!!!

I see you've edited your post, Rose.

Keep posting, if you need to, don't stop posting...


But do get professional help asap.

Thanks for the advice.

I'm not sure how to read that... are you being sarcastic?

Anyhow, I was on chat but in responding to your post my computer crashed as I had too many windows open and it's an old computer...


I am so sorry...

(((Rose76)))

Please come back...

Rose I noticed a post of yours a few days ago, I was going to respond but didn’t want to sound like I know it all. I assure you I don’t. You mentioned going to a community center and finding that they had lots of activities but you felt alone. After mum died in February I started going to the senior citizens center. I feel quite a bit different because most of them drive better cars and I assume live in homes or senior residents. I’m on SSDI and have been limited income most of my life. But I went anyway. I go Wednesday s to 500. And though I’m still only an acquaintance with them. I’m come to feel a since of belonging. There’s 500 on Tuesdays and Fridays too but I just go on Wednesday for now. Mondays I go to mahjong. I’m still learning but there’s no judgement. I’ve been to a few other events like a painting class and driving class ( I get 10% off my insurance now) and I run into people when I go to other events. I went to a book reading by the library and ran into a couple people from the center. One even sat with me! I don’t share a lot or really I don’t talk much but I do feel acceptance and belonging. It was very hard in the beginning to go but I’m glad I did. I encourage you to take up the resources of the community center. Find just one or two classes or events to join. You might be surprised.

@Nammu - I should make myself give it a try. I just felt so out of place when I went there last week. I dread going somewhere and not fitting in. My life feels like a nightmare right now.

Every 12 hours I take a Vicodin for neck and back pain which isn't even that bad. Now I just count the hours until I can take another one because that's the only thing that feels good to me. I don't want to keep feeling this awful. I keep breaking down. My apartment is becoming messy. I get hungry but can't cook. Just eat cup of noodles. I know I don't make the effort that I should. The trip just went so bad. They were what I was hanging on to for 3 years. That was an illusion. I have nobody here where I live either. It was just my boyfriend and me. My family is 2000 miles away. Hadn't seen much of them in years. Wish I never went back there.

I don’t cook now either. On Mondays and Wednesday I eat at the senior center. It’s very inexpensive and I get a cooked meal. I take a book with me and sit be myself but I’m slowly getting to know the others that eat there. I smile and say hello. I’ve passed pleasantries with a few other regulars. In the evening s I eat premade salads from Walmart. They are just the right size and healthy. Once the cold weather comes back I’ll be eating frozen dinners again. But for now it’s salads. Now that it’s summer the few younger closer to my age folks have stopped coming. So I put my expectations on hold until the good weather changes again.

Does your library have activities. Ours has several book clubs. They are at day time so I cannot attend on a regular basis but I always think I’d attend if I retired. It also forces you to read a book. Keeps you busy

Also look up gloss book club (former girly book club). Look up local chapter. Usually just 5 or so women of all ages. Non assuming

@Nammu - thank you for describing to me what you're doing because it sounds a lot like what I could be doing. They have meals at the center that I joined. I feel funny going there to eat by myself, so I haven't tried it. Hearing that you go by yourself gives me some encouragement. There's other activities I could try there. I just feel so bad going to a place where I don't know anyone. It reminds me of when I was in high school and my family moved. I didn't know anyone in the town we moved to. During lunchtime, I would stay in the bathroom because I was afraid to walk into the cafeteria alone.

My life has had too much of that kind of experience. I always forced myself to do things and go places, despite my fear of being around others whom I don't know. I've done a lot of trying. I feel like I have no "trying" left in me.

Maybe this sadness will go away.

I can't stop weeping. My life feels like torture. Someway I have to escape.

I don't know what goes on at the small library near me. I heard of a book club at another venue that interested me. But I shied away from looking into it. Your suggestions are good. It's up to me to make some kind of a move to get involved in something. If I don't I'll just deteriorate. If I do, that may not work out either. Maybe I'll join something and not fit it. Maybe I'll just get hurt more. If only I had a track record of more success. I've wracked up a lot of failures. It's hard for me to have faith.

What do you watch on tv? Don’t watch depressing news. Watch something funny or uplifting . Do you have access to PBS? Any streaming platforms?

You could binge watch Call The Midwives. 12 seasons of absolute perfection. Join Reddit and join specific subreddits dedicated to specific tv shows and talk to other people who like the shows and engage in exchanging ideas.

I don’t know what kind of stuff you find funny but keep rewatching it every time you feel down. For me it’s Curb your Enthusiasm. I know, not most people’s cup of tea but find what makes you laugh and rewatch it when feel down. Or reread. Find a funny book. David Sedaris? Try him. Short stories. Great humor.

How about podcasts. I don’t like them but my husband and daughter always listen to them.

I know those are solitary activities. But you could discuss it with others even if just online. And it’s not depressing like watching news. I know my dad watches horrible news and then is so miserable he can’t function. Read short summary of the world news and not every day. Don’t watch it.

Maybe you’ll join something and not fit in. Then you’ll try something else. Or maybe you’ll fit in. You just never know. 80% of success is showing up.

But maybe there is no need to force yourself to join. Not everyone is a joiner. There are things one can do alone. I mentioned writer David Sedaris. He has this so called hobby. He gets up very early and walks along Highway collecting garbage. Carries a trash bag and picks up trash. He’s known for it in his area now. He does it alone. No joining anyone

I do understand that depression is hard to beat. It doesn’t seem that any meds work for you, more you take worse you feel or at least it seems that way. A friend of mine swears by lexapro. I know you tried a ton of meds

@divine1966 - thank you for taking the time to reply and share those suggestions. I'll refer to them tomorrow again.

I ate nothing all day. I just boiled water for cup of noodles. I ate half and can't continue. What I ate sits awful heavy on my stomach now. The kitchen hasn't been tidied up in 3 days. The trash hasn't been taken out and smells.

On my recent trip, nothing went as I had hoped. I am very bad at any fancy digital stuff like "streaming" and "podcasts." Part of my plan for my visit was to ask my nieces and nephews to tutor me a little on that stuff. They are grown and are all wizards at that stuff. I was close to them when they were kids, and we always had fun together. One of my nephews stayed a couple of days at the home where I was staying - his mother's house. He completely ignored me to a degree that was awful. It was embarrassing and humiliating for me to be there, while he was there. I swear. You can't even picture this without having been there. My other sister had said her daughter would gave been glad to help me. I was hopeful about that, until my niece through a fit at me.

When I say this was the family get-together from hades, I can't begin to adequately convey that here. Maybe a lot of what's wrong with me now is just the need to finish recovering from the shock of that. I'm still aghast at how that visit went.

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little closer to getting over this miserable experience. It's still so fresh in my mind. If only I could go asleep for a good long while. But no. I cannot sleep even 3 consecutuve hours. I wake up over and over at night. Sometimes I wake up every 90 minutes.

I should make a written log of my sleep-wake pattern, and bring it to a psychiatrist, if I can get in to see one. This is so abnormal. I don't get a chance to recover from daily stressors.

I will try to take out the kitchen trash now. Then I will go to bed. This state of mind can't go on forever.

Hi Rose, Today I am also having a horrible day and your post touched something and I feel wanted to write something here with the permission of all…
… if you know me from prior posts sorry if this sounds repetitive but I still ask you, my friends, in this battle, for advice.
24 years in a country not of my own and which I admire, but now turning very Nazi like, and I have nowhere to go back to, so if history repeats then I am likely to be killed, and I lost contact with my kids and ex wife which may be is a good thing so a they do no not know may be their father is a foreigner, and society may accept them, or at least that is what I pray for every day. I can live it out somehow but I’m broken inside and I feel uncontrollably crying at times , as there is nothing I can do the person who is with me also when in good is ok but abuses me emotionally and physically I have sometimes to wonder what is left there for me to do…. Love you all ,,, sad bear captain EO

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

@captaineo - Thank you for trying to commiserate with me. I'm sorry that you are so awfully distressed, even fearing for your life. In fairness to yourself, I strongly advise you to start a thread of your own where your troubling situation can be the central focus. I don't know you, so I'm not at all familiar with what you're going through. It sounds like you need a place to really talk things out and get feedback. I'm not sure which forum would be best for you, but just pick one and pick a title and get started. The moderators will also help you get into the most appropriate forum by moving your original post, if that will serve you best. Get started on that, please, so members of MSF can give you some support targeted at your individual situation. It sounds like you need it.

Hi Rose, thank you for your kind message. It’s been a while since I use this platform and forget the best way to use it, thank you so much for the kind words and I will follow your advice. Best wishes in winning your own battles, luv bug sad hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Here it is 12:25 a.m. I just woke up for the first time since lying down. So I guess I've had 2 or 3 hours of sleep. This is my old phone, so the time stamp on here is 2 hours later than what it really is.

The feedback I got on this thread last evening did calm me down. Thanks for the posts. In the morning, if I straighten up my place, I could feel better. I'll try to sleep more now.

4 a.m. Woke up again. Maybe, in a few hours, I'll take a drive and have breakfast out somewhere different.

Going somewhere for breakfast is an excellent plan. Maybe outside? By the water? Take a book with you? It sounds great

Oh I wouldn’t suggest anything fancy for you to use. You don’t need nephews to teach that. It’s a regular stuff you can access from anywhere. If you use a phone, tablet, computer, laptop- anything. In a browser type for example Netflix and here it will be. Or create Amazon account and use prime video. No fancy knowledge of anything is required. Create an account watch for 30 days for free. You might not even need an app. Just watch from a browser. On any device type podcast about gardening, shoes, history of whatever and podcast will pop up. They’ll tell you how to listen right there on the screen but sometimes you can just listen right there. Click on the arrow

And for PBS you just go PBS com and here you are. Will need to create an account and then watch h from your browser

Yes it’s easier if you have smart tv or a tablet but you do not need any of it. Everything could be done from a browser on computer or your phone

@divine1966 - I have an Amazon prime account. I did bring that up on my TV a few times. I have an amazon stick attached to one TV and an old Roku stick attached to another. I have Direct TV (SATELLITE) which I'm supposed to be able to get on my phone, but I haven't figured that out yet. I watch stuff on YouTube, like history stuff. I wish I could get podcasts but don't know how.

Now that I've let go of the pipe dream that they were going to show me this stuff, I'll buckle down and learn it myself. I can, if I make up my mind to.

I need to sleep another bit. I woke up at 7:15. I didn't sleep right thru, but woke up twice. I won't be as depressed today. Once I get my place picked up, I'll start to improve.

I'm very grateful for the replies. Yesterday was so awful. But these mental storms have a way of settling down.

You need an app to listen to a podcast. So just google "podcast apps". Choose one, install it, and then select a podcast.

Dr phil has his audience pull out their phones during the show to install the app his show is on, thats how i learned.

Is there a reason you are not updating your time zone on your mfs profile for this phone? Or is just to drive me crazy?

Thanks. I'm going to do that for podcasts. It sounds simple. I like informative talks, and YouTube only has so much, a lot of which is dated.

I use my old phone sometimes to access the Internet. Ever since my trip, the time on this device has been stuck on Eastern U.S. time zone, and I can't get it to change. The problem now is not how it's set in my MSF profile. It's the general time this device shows, which is 2 hours ahead of where I'm at now. I need to just invest in a decent size tablet. These phones aren't ideal for reading and writing online.

Testing: Right now it's 10:32 a.m.

Well that test above worked out alright. What confuses me is when I grab this phone in the middle of the night, and I think it's 2 hours later than it is.

Right now this phone says it is 12:35. (It is actually 10:35.)