[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Still on the ups and downs. Tomorrow Rose promise me you will get up and make one phone call to move off the mood rollercoaster. You are worth it!

I am improved today. I walked a lot yesterday to get some errands done. No longer have a car, so I use busses, Uber and my feet. I feel so much better after I leave the house and get some things done.

I did make 2 important phone calls today to make doctor appointments. I'm coloring my hair now. I'll get it cut tomorrow. It feels like I'm gradually improving, but it's slow-going.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Deejay14]

Keep on rolling Rose!!

[Buffy01]

I wish that I knew why I am so depressed all the time

[3rd rock]

Apartment is getting so cluttered. I'm going to take 2 trips out to the dumpster today and more tomorrow. After this week I have 9 of 11 days off, so I'll try to use that time to clean my apartment and throw out as much junk as I can. I'm not a hoarder, the depression just gets to me and tells me to just put something somewhere within reach and deal with it later. Not in an audible voice, of course...

I've cooked my own meals 3 days in a row. I have a few basic recipes I use on rotation. But I'm still feeling quite down right now over the woman who ghosted me. I've accepted that it's over and she's likely never to reappear in my life in any way, but the grieving process is likely to be rather long. I think it's made worse because just 2-3 weeks before she disappeared my best friend, my cockatiel, died, so it really feels like I'm more alone than ever.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

snip: I think it's made worse because just 2-3 weeks before she disappeared my best friend, my cockatiel, died, so it really feels like I'm more alone than ever.

Rock, I’ve experienced a similar double whammy. Grief over my parents’ deaths was complex enough since they were not warm or close to me. Then my only surviving “family” threw me under the bus regarding the Trust. And stopped talking to me. This poor excuse for a human being isn’t family to me, just blood. Also got nasty letters from both that scum and the LAWYER.

I never know how I feel because my parents kept a lot of secrets from me and I found out from legal documents. My whole family betrayed me.

I lost a friend a few months before the first parent passed.



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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[Rose76]

I'm starting to feel really good. It's been a long bout of depression - one of the worst I've had in years. I've been cleaning and cooking decent meals for myself. The quagmire that was sucking me downward finally let go of me. I just hope this lasts for a while. What will help is me developing better habits, which I'm genuinely working on.

[Rose76]

I'm continuing to feel good. One pdoc told me I was bipolar. This was after him knowing me for 6 years. He came up with that after he saw me have a very dramatic shift in mood, due to some hard stress. Subsequently, another pdoc told me that "bipolar" was too heavy-duty a diagnosis for me. He said it might be just "cyclothymia.".

I'm not sure I believe in those diagnoses. All the same, there is something very dysfunctional in how I respond to serious stress . . . and even, at times, to rather trivial stress. Lack of social support has a lot to do with that. I spend way too much time alone. That's something I need to change.

I have been going out to the courtyard of my complex and talking to neighbors. Their dogs know I carry dog treats in my pockets. So they get all happy to see me, wagging their tails. The warming weather and longer days encourage me to not stay stuck in the house so much, as during winter. Small pleasantries have a big impact on me.

I hope this lasts for a while.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

snip: Lack of social support has a lot to do with that. I spend way too much time alone. That's something I need to change.

I don’t have any support either and all my efforts to make connections haven’t worked out. People ghost me, are superficial, judgmental, emotionally immature, etc. And now I have so little energy left to keep trying that it seems like giving up on it is the thing to do. It’s harder to find support than it is to cope alone. And I’ve had such bs to deal with.

It doesn’t help that my upstairs neighbor is always having guests. They stay the night and sometimes for days. Last year his entire family stayed a month, they looked like family anyway. Point is, how can one have so many people in their life? They are night people and not considerate at all. Heavy footed, waking me up with showers in the middle of the night. And now I need a procedure tomorrow that requires sedation and they insisted I have someone to pick me up. I “must” have someone, they said. Soul crushing or sapping culture and health care in this $hithole country.

I had a hard time getting a ride from the nonprofit that serves seniors. It’s volunteer based but nobody stepped up. It was touch and go for days and they finally got their driver to do it. My neighbors aren’t friendly or even neighborly. If I couldn’t get anyone I’d have to sit there until the drug wears off. Then take the bus.

Now I have to sit in this apartment all day, fasting and listening to my neighbor and his guests. He had to pick this week. Why can’t he go visit them instead of having them come here?! No one to distract me, talk to me, take me somewhere, etc. And why did they HAVE to tell me I might die during the procedure???!!! TMI! It may be extremely rare but I didn’t need to know that. Only one person would care but they wouldn’t know right away.



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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[nonightowl]

Getting both uncertainty and change, both of which I hate and that go hand in hand. I don’t know when those effing people will leave and I don’t know about tomorrow.

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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[3rd rock]

They expanded the responsibilities of the worst supervisor, who bullies employees, to my department at work. He bullied me on Wednesday. He approached me, at the very end of the day as I was minutes away from clocking out, challenged me to do a particular task, and started a stopwatch to see how long it took me. This serves no valid supervisory purpose, because how long it takes us to do any given task has no bearing on our overall productivity (he knows you have to look at the aggregate of it). I didn't submit and I kept my cool. I told him that he was engaged in targeted harassment, and I requested the presence of a shop steward. He has previously bullied me when I used to work in his department, and until they expanded his role I had been freed of it.

He is now weaponizing the disciplinary process against me. I don't know what's coming my way on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday) but it could be anything from nothing at all to attempted termination. So you can probably guess I'm freaking out about it. We have a union to protect us, and it's a good union, but just the process of it makes me freak out. I won't back down, however.

[Calla lily12]

Today is just YUCK! There's no other word for it. I have no ambition to do anything and I'm disgusted with myself. (And autocorrect is on my last nerve)
I hope everyone else has a better day than I'm having.

[nonightowl]

Glad my medical procedure is over but it was so lonely hearing other patients around me telling nurses their daughter is picking them up or their boyfriend or whatever. I have no one and relied on volunteers from an organization, one was staff because no one else stepped up.

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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[Buffy01]

lately I have been feeling very depressed i wish that I knew what would make me feel better

[nonightowl]

Another long and lonely holiday weekend. I hate holidays. The media is bombarding us with talk about travel and the big holiday weekend with family and friends. Hmmph. (Snort) And images of smiling couples and families. Showing airport conditions. I never go anywhere and couldn’t care less about it.

And this weekend was the last time I heard the L word many years ago, and probably the last time I’ll hear anyone say that to me again.

We just had yet more gun violence in this $hithole country and yet we’re supposed to be happy about the holiday weekend. I bet people who knew the victims aren’t celebrating and a lot of people have to work weekends, holiday or not. Especially in retail and restaurant industries.



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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[3rd rock]

I had a date scheduled for this afternoon, but the woman cancelled on me. I've offered to reschedule, but she hasn't responded. The truth is I didn't find her all that attractive, but I wanted to go anyways to practice my socialization skills in a date-like setting, and on the chance that the pictures of her were unflattering so she might be more attractive in person. This is the first time I've tried to schedule a date with a woman over the internet. I hope this isn't a typical practice, because I don't think I have the tenacity to power through 10 or 20 no-shows just to get 1 date. Even still, it doesn't make me feel sad or depressed. It's no skin off my back. I guess that attitude is a sign that I'm improving, even if it doesn't feel that way.

[Rose76]

I've been doing real good for several days now. Probably for well over a week. What a relief! My house is almost all cleaned up and tidy. I've been cooking more and eating good meals. Getting around without my car is not as hard as I thought it would be. I walk more now, but that is doing me good. I go outside more and talk to my neighbors in my small apartment complex. I just need to get up and going a bit earlier, especially as the weather gets hotter.

[Buffy01]

I have been feeling really bad and terrible from the mistreatment I have received from my siblings and their kids who are all bullies and the financial misfortune that has left me wanting to defend myself even though it wouldn’t do me any good : that’s left me in redeyes: tears

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

snip: Even still, it doesn't make me feel sad or depressed. It's no skin off my back. I guess that attitude is a sign that I'm improving, even if it doesn't feel that way.

I agree, Rock. Did you ever talk to this woman on the phone too? Just curious since I can pick up vibes from someone over the phone, that I’d never get from a screen. That’s even with emojis.

I don’t know if that’s common either but ghosting seems way too common in this culture. I can’t help wondering if other cultures have this too. France, as a random example.

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Sent from my iPhone 📱

[Rose76]

I'm still doing well. I need to come up with a goal for today.

[3rd rock]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I agree, Rock. Did you ever talk to this woman on the phone too? Just curious since I can pick up vibes from someone over the phone, that I’d never get from a screen. That’s even with emojis.

I don’t know if that’s common either but ghosting seems way too common in this culture. I can’t help wondering if other cultures have this too. France, as a random example.

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Sent from my iPhone 📱

The girl I had a date with recently? I only talked to her via the app's chat. I wouldn't have wanted to ask for her number without meeting her, as I feel that would be too pointed. I recently chatted with a woman who seemed nice and had her location listed as 'Vancouver,' but who told me she actually lived in the Philippines. I unmatched quickly, as I'm not interested in an immigration cheat. I don't have much enthusiasm for this route, but at this stage in my life I've got nothing else.

This weekend I resolved to do housework, but it's been Friday already and I've done none. I even forgot to buy new garbage bags today, so I had to just keep piling it high until tomorrow. I got a very small amount of writing done. I've played games and watched youtube videos. My life is still a pointless waste of time and I feel so lonely.

The days and the weeks seem to just slur into each other, the only constant being the increasingly fast speed they pass at as I get older. My life is headed nowhere, and I've got nothing. There are no moments of happiness to sustain the unending hopelessness. All the psychiatric help I've gotten over the past 15 years is to make it possible to get through most days. Medication simply relieves a few of the absolute worst positive symptoms, but does nothing to help with the negative symptoms.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

snip:The girl I had a date with recently? My life is still a pointless waste of time and I feel so lonely.

The days and the weeks seem to just slur into each other, the only constant being the increasingly fast speed they pass at as I get older.

Yeah the one that cancelled but didn't RESPOND when you asked to reschedule.

I feel the same way. My days seem to blur together too and the only way I can tell them apart is what TV show I'm watching that day. I need a "marker" of some kind, so I know what day it is. I go to the gym on certain days too, and the store on certain days also.

I've tried to do a social thing but haven't made progress yet. Everything is too far, too costly, too much of a crowd or too late in the day. I wouldn't be so picky if I had someone to call in an emergency or if something happens. I stick close to home even though I need a change of scenery. Time seems to fly as I get older, and I'm so worried about aging in this country. We don't take care of older people like in other countries such as Japan or France.