did I mention I'm a loser?

I posted something mentioning that on the SI board, but now I'm utterly more depressed than wanting to self-injure.

Spent a week in the hospital in mid.-Feb and have been slowly recovering since then. Once we got all meds to a therapeutic level, I had been doing pretty good.

Then, last Monday, I had what I thought was a really good job interview, for a job I desperately wanted.

Got the rejection letter Thursday--meaning they mailed it Wednesday--meaning it took them 24 hours to decide I suck.

Saw pdoc Friday, still pretty bummed out. I figured it was a temporary mood. He seemed to figure otherwise, and upped one of my meds. Which I've been kind of pissed about, till realizing, HEY! I really AM depressed! LOL

I need a second job to afford the one I have, and I lost that second job, and I am so far behind on everything that now the "we're cutting you off" letters are coming. Thank god I'm current on my rent -- I make that a priority -- but the car insurance is gone....the cable goes Tuesday....the electric goes the week after that...who knows what's next. i'm stressed as hell.

And THEN, today, I get another rejection, from an interview I had 2 weeks ago. Do enough of these things and you kind of get to know the score pretty quickly. I more or less could tell by the time I walked out of there that it wasn't going anywhere, but thought that being an alum (it was for a position at the university I teach at) might get me somewhere. It didn't.

I'm sick of being broke, and constantly having to hit up friends for money (one has to pay for my meds for me like every other month), and I'm sick of being rejected and hearing the employment version of "it's not you, it's me" -- "While your skills are certainly very impressive," blah blah blah. if I'm so fricking impressive, why won't they hire me!!

To make matters worse, somebody I went to college with just got a job at ESPN (lovely shade of green, aren't I?)

And now, despite the most skilled therapist I have ever had, who has spent the last almost 11 months pretty much getting me convinced that I'm not a complete waste of human life, I feel like crap, and I feel it spiraling, and while I'm a good ways yet from feeling as bad as I did to land in the hospital, I feel pretty damn bad and am not seeing any chance of it clearing up anytime soon.

Argh.

Taking suggestions from one and all.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

Being a loser is a choice people make. Are you sure you want to make that choice?

I'd think you are a little challenged right now, or a little down on luck, but looser, hey babe, that is up to you!!!!

There is always a lighter side of things. Some times way too hard to see but, you just hung in there. There must be a good reason why you didn't get those jobs, and it may have very little to do with you. And, it is actually good that you got those letters, many companies nowadays just leave you hanging and never bother to even say "thanks but no thanks". At least you know.

gab

Nope, I don't agree with your assessment of yourself.

I do agree with what Gloria said, that labelling yourself like that is a choice .... you have a choice to see yourself in a more positive light too!!

As a very special friend of mine would say... maybe you just need to look at yourself with better eyes!!

Take care,
Fuzzy

Looking for work sucks. You're getting way more interviews than I am. See that little tinge of green around my ears?

{{{{{{{Candy Bear}}}}}}

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Don't feel bad about not yet believing your T about you not being a loser and worthless - mine has been telling me the same thing and so far I have not gotten. There - I can understand intellectually what he is saying - I just haven't "gotten" it internally yet. But I have faith and hope that I will get it - that I will one day wake up and change my mind and realize that I am a good person. So - hang in there. Keep pluggin away at it with your T and your friends - because, way down deep deep inside of us, we know we are OK or we would not still be here. Trust in that still small voice that we can barely hear that you will know your goodness and we are pulling for you to find the right job for you! Kudos to ou for keeping on trying!!!

The vision of your goodness will sustain me through the cold
Take my hand now to remember when you find yourself alone
You are never alone… (John Denver)
Mars

you have a job and a pad and you're a loser? Damn. What's that make me? I know it's not about me, so I'll get back to the point. Geez. There I go with the self-absorption thing again.

Well, you are behind with payments, but that does not make one a loser.
You have friends who care and that is a good thing.

ESPN???? DAMN!!!! sorry...

Good luck with the job search, candybear.

You may be stressed, which is understandable, and depressed, but a loser you are not.

How are you doing now, Candybear?

Thanks for checking on me. :-)

I'm doing better, I guess. Still a not-terribly-attractive shade of green :-), but not feeling quite as bad as I did when I originally posted this. Which is not to say that I don't feel like a loser compared to some people my age with brilliant, rewarding careers (my psychiatrist is 2.5 years older than me -- you know, he went to med school and actively makes a difference in people's lives every day, and then there's me....).

I hate to use my past as an excuse, but I'm learning to accept that it's had an impact on me and that I'm doing probably better than expected, given my multiple mental illnesses.

In the meantime, my mother (my abuser) and 2 of my sisters are coming in early Sat. morning for the long weekend! ACK! That brings a whole new set of problems. Never fear -- I refilled the Zyprexa! ;-)

I really appreciate you asking after me. Thanks. I hope you're doing OK too.

Candy

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

Candybear, don't be too envious of your shrink. Many years ago, the wife of a psychiatrist who worked with the sickest of the sick in mental institutions said that the reason docs go into psychiatry is bec. they are the ones who believe that they themselves are crazy. Your psychiatrist may well go home and think -- I'm useless. I try to help people but they never get well. What am doing with my life? Y'never know what's beneath the surface of anyone's professional/public exterior.

Good point, and one I hadn't thought of. I tease my pdoc about being a relentless Pollyanna -- if there are 14 pitch-black rainclouds overhead, he'll find the ONE beam of sunlight that nobody else can see. I don't know if he took a class to learn that! :-) or if it's just his natural disposition. I *do* know he took a serious dive after having to put me in the hospital this past winter -- it took me the better part of a month to convince him that it wasn't all his fault. He had a horrible case of the shoulda/coulda's and was really beating himself up for the stuff he thought he did wrong that got me to that point. I didn't realize shrinks had low self-esteem days! :-)


Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

>>He had a horrible case of the shoulda/coulda's and was really beating himself up for the stuff he thought he did wrong that got me to that point. I didn't realize shrinks had low self-esteem days!

Unlike Levis, Shrinks don't come pre-shrunk.



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--http://www.idexter.com

I was going to start a new thread, but what the hey, this is as good a place to post what I want to say as any.

My sister calls last weekend and says, "Do you have any plans for Labor Day?" "No," I say. "Good," she says. "Pam and Mom and I are coming to see you."

Um. Okaaaayyy. Mom abused the hell out of me in multiple ways, and I don't really like spending time around her. I can barely even talk to her on the phone, much less spend time with her in person. I mention this to Vicki (sister making plans). Vicki says, "I know you have problems with Mom. Get over it." (She doesn't know of the abuse, being much older and having been out of the house when it happened.)

Pam resents me for being born, so she's not a barrel of laughs to be around either. Vicki is the only one I reasonably get along with.

So, they invite themselves here, and since it's my city and I'm the one with the car, I now have to think of things for 4 people to do for 3 days. Naturally, everything I set up falls through, for one reason or another.

I can't live on what I make from my job. I had a second job, but I lost it, and I am dead broke most of the time. For instance, I don't get paid till the 15th, and I have $16 to my name and 1/4 tank of gas. I go to food pantries now because I can't afford my own groceries. It's bad.

I thought, after chauffeuring them around and catering to their every need, I deserved a little help. I asked my mom for gas money. She gave me....TWO BUCKS. Gas here is $1.89. Oh boy, a whole gallon! Thanks!

I have lost 15 pounds in 6 weeks because I'm not eating, but no one takes me out to dinner or offers to take me to the grocery store. They do, however, expect me to supply them with alcohol and other goodies.

Yeah, I know: I need to tell them to go rot (although I wouldn't be that kind about it). But I was hoping once they saw the dire straits I'm in that they would, you know, HELP OUT. Like a family.

Well, god forbid I have one of THOSE. At least not one that bails out sinking members. Vicki buzzed in here at 10:30 Saturday morning, ahead of everyone else, did my dishes, pitched the last 2 remaining pieces of my pots and pans because she didn't think they were salvageable, and didn't get around to buying any more. So now I have nothing to cook in. I don't get paid till the 15th. It's all gone already as well.

This is depressing because underneath the cynicism, I have what my therapist calls my "closet optimist." Every time I get handed a box of crap, I start looking for the pony. And the pony is never there, and won't ever be there, and I am SO pissed off at myself. And if I keep thinking about the way things are, as opposed to the way they OUGHT to be, I get depressed as hell.

I am not the world's most social person -- most depressives aren't -- and after 2 or 3 hours, even if I'm enjoying myself, I have a deep need to get the hell out of there and back to my own space. In the last 2.5 days, I have had a grand total of 1.5 hours to myself (that weren't spent sleeping). I may not recover from this for a month. The good news is, I'm too exhausted to cut!

</rant> thanks for listening.

Candy

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

At least they are gone now. You need a holiday from the holiday.

Family, friends, anyone... it is so rude to invite oneself over and expect to be taken care of financially (the "host" should feed them and take care of their needs) and emotionally (the "host" has to entertain them). That's rude period unless there is a precedent for it (like you have given them a clear, verbal invitation... I certainly have friends that I don't mind dropping in and expecting to stay the night... but those are very special friends).

To do so when the "host" is struggling to provide those "niceties" as food and shelter for themselves... well some people just don't see past their own noses.

Next time tell them you do have plans. If they press you, say your plan for the weekend is to spend it without them .

Of if they come expecting a tour of your city, greet them at the door, hand them each a metrocard, and say "the subway entrance is that-a-way. Have fun!!!" If your city has something like a Metrocard... might be worth investing in a few of them just to keep handy, like a "Get out of jail free" card

I'm sorry about the lousy weekend. I have no family I can count on either and no friends both willing and able to help out with the important stuff. I can handle the day to day but it hurts that I have to do so alone.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

Ozzie, girl, you are so darn cheerful and affirming all the time. What's your secret? I need to learn it!

Dex, I live in Milwaukee, home of the world's worst mass transit. But it's only a 90 minute drive to Chicago. Next time anyone I'm related to wants to come here, I'm going to drive them to Chicago, dump them in Lake Michigan, and make them swim to Milwaukee. That way I'll have some time to myself. ;-)

The thing that gets me is that I never seem to make any progress in certain areas. Over the years, I've gotten a good handle on the SI. I have lots of scars, but not many new ones. That's progress.

I don't loathe and detest myself as much as I used to, though if you catch me in an unguarded moment I'm still likely to tell you I'm a worthless piece of crap, and believe it. But most days now I can more or less tolerate myself (unless I've violated my own expectations of myself). If the day ever arrives that I can say I love myself most of the time, I will be a cured woman and ditch therapist, pdoc and meds. :-)

But I never seem to make any progress with my family. I put my last therapist's son through law school whining about my mother. Actually, I'm even better in that area -- I've learned how to let the answering machine pick up her calls when they're inconvenient to answer.

Somehow, though, I never get over wishing I had a "normal" family. The one I actually have butts up against the "ideal" version in my head and causes me problems. How stupid is it to keep wishing for something that repeatedly never happens? When do you think I'll learn? Ever? I'm beginning to wonder.

My poor beleaguered pdoc has been trying to get me to sever relations with my mother for the whole 6 years I've seen him. I know he'd be supportive if I did it. Hell, ALL my mental health caregivers would do cartwheels! But what keeps me from doing it is the hope that, even though she abused me six ways to Sunday, and gives me no help now even when I'm desperate, that one of these times she'll be a "real" mom and help me out like every other mom I know does for her kids.

You know what? It's never going to happen. You would think that if I keep banging my head against the same brick wall, and all I get every time is a bloody head, I would learn to quit banging my head against the wall. I don't know if I'm stubborn or stupid or both.

Candy

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

I'm so sorry, Candybear. It sounds like a rotten weekend. I don't have great suggestions --- just treading water myself, trying to get through the hours and minutes.

Prayers and blessings for you.

candybear focus on the progress which sounds like you have taken some large strides.

Keep working on the other stuff but don't look at yourself as "stuck" because one area seems to be improving only slowly. Look at the overall picture and you are still ahead in the game.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

CandyBear, it's late but I wanted to respond to you as your post touched my heart. The reason you can't let go is that you always hope it will be better. By letting go of that you are letting yourself know how horrible it was for you. There is a childish sense we have that somehow if we just did this or that things would change. The reality is you are a grown up and what happened is history. It sucks, she's not going to ever nurture and protect you. She has shown you that. So you are in that stuck spot of still wanting to be the good enough child so she will love you. This is my own opinion and I could be full of crap but these are my thoughts. It took me a very long time to sever that relationship. I kept trying to be good enough. Never will be and now the thought of that nasty woman in my life is disgusting beyond comprehension. Glad my kids were not ever exposed to her. mothers are not supposed to abuse, they are supposed to nurture. It's a hard road and you are doing great. Love that answering machine.

Hi Candybear-

Like you, I was always looking for the pony, until it finally occurred to me that I might actually be kicking dead horses. A lesson I haven't entirely learned, but...

You might give some serious thought to, if not 'divorcing' your family, separating from them. It needn't be permanent. It made a world of difference with my mom-- eventually.

I had severe Mom problems: her drinking, her rage, her lifetime declaration of open season on my self esteem. She was scary as hell. Did I mention her rage?

Here's what I ended up (kind of inadvertantly) doing about it. My coming to terms with her started waaaaaay back in the 70s. Her drinking and acting out had become so severe that I called child protective services on behalf of my littlest brother who was still at home and not yet an independant teenager. I could defend him even if I couldn't defend myself. (Why does it work that way?). I asked for anonymity but the worker who went to the house didn't deal with it that way and I got the screaming, ranting phone call from hell. Did I mention she was a really, really aggressively angry person?

I knew, despite her rage and defensiveness, that my brother was in a bad situation and it occured to me that she was using the 'best defense is a good offense tactic' (ding! illumination!) and no matter what she said to me and no matter what she tried to lay on me, she was flat wrong. So--I resigned from the family. (Not from my siblings, who I kept close tabs on). I didn't hang out with her, didn't respond to her, didn't call, (and this was before the era of the answering machine) didn't make it to command performances other than Christmas. I'd had it. When I moved, I didn't let her have my new phone #, or even the info that I had moved.

After a year or so, she was more respectful. I started going to Thanksgiving as well as Christmas. Then, when she moved in with her barfly boyfriend, my little brother came to spend the weekend and just stayed. (He had been sleeping on the sofa cushions on the living room floor of the new place. Mom and her BF were mostly drunk and loud and my brother was a miserable 13 yo.) So in my mid-twenties I became the erstwhile parent of a teenager. Which was fine, he was good company and I knew he was safe.

Ironically, it was this that started to really heal the relationship with my mother. I got the feeling she was relieved to get off the mom bus. She actually started to be a little less whacked out, a little less crazed with rage, looking a little more human.

A while after that, I finally truly 'got' mom. I was looking at some family pictures with my 6 yo niece and came across one of me and my mother in the back yard. I was 15 in the picture and was stunned to notice that my mother was hardly older than I was right then. I realized that she had me when she was 17-18 (she fibbed about her age so I'm still not sure) and in quick order had 5 more kids. She had basically been a mother since before she grew up. I couldn't imagine having 6 kids by the age of 31. It was kind of revelatory and started me seeing her more as a person.

The part of me that was so angry and always at her mercy slowly fell away. Over the next years, she behaved better and better. (Even quit drinking!) I don't mean to be a Pollyanna, it was by no means perfect. She still could be snide and mean, but the improvement was 100 %. Weirdly, she became much more of a mom in the traditional sense than she ever had been during all the time my siblings and I were kids. And much to my amusement, she recast her past. In her new version we were the children of June Cleaver. I knew better, and underneath it I'm sure she knew better, but I didn't care. If her pride demanded it (and it did), it really wasn't any skin off my teeth. It didn't change the past, but it didn't matter that much because I was more interested in the present and the future.

By the last several years of her life, she was one of my best friends. It was a long time getting there but so worth it. The thing too, was that I was eventually able to see her own depression, and how funny and smart she was, and to understand that her anger and other antics, while destructive, were the tools that got her through her own difficult childhood and life. A double edged sword kind of thing: her greatest strength was also her greatest failing. In a lot of ways she was someone who was too big for the life she ended up having. I think a lot of women who came of age in the 40s and 50s when the only dream women were supposed to have was marrige and a family were in the same position, even if they didn't go all destructo. (Which is a whole other rant)

Ironically, her sudden death a few years ago was the proverbial straw that pushed me over the edge into the depressive quagmire I now call my life. Despite that, I am ever grateful that I finally knew her as a person and had a mostly healed relationship with her. It would never have happened if I hadn't absented myself from the path of her destruction for the time I did.

There's no guarantee that your mother is going to reform, of course, but when I cut my mom off, I didn't expect it either. I just didn't want any more of it. How it turned out was unexpected and took years and years before it worked out. Of course I still have issues regarding her, but nothing like it was before.

I just refreshed this thread and saw that Ozzie said the same thing (in a much more succinct and clear way) I tend to go on and on when I write, sorry.

Best to you Candybear.
<div class="foot">(Edited by tuneyluna on 09/07/04 02:58 AM.)</div>

Thank you, everyone. Your posts have been very helpful.

My mom also drinks, has an anger problem, and did a job on my self-esteem. She got married in the early '50s, had 4 kids in 5.5 years, and just when she thought it was over, I came along -- my sibs are 8, 10, 12 and 13 years older than me. I have long believed that she was born too soon. She would have made a great career woman. I don't think she would have chosen to have children. At least that is how she makes me feel. She likes to tell people that she planned to take up golf at 35, and got pregnant instead (that would be me). How do you think that makes me feel?!

I'm heartened by the people who said they learned to quit beating their heads against the wall and just accepted that what they wanted won't ever happen. I hope I get there someday.

Thanks everyone. I'm sure glad I found this place!

Candy

(((((candybear)))))))
I am so sorry that you had a lousy weekend. Please hang in there.

Jessica

Hi, Tuney. Welcome to the boards.

I found your story very interesting and very well put. Could that be that I feel I tend to go on and on when I write, too? LOL

There were some similarities in our stories. When my mom passed, I went over the edge, too. My therapist told me it was all the unresolved issues I had with her. Things are much better... and they should be after 20+ years. LOL But there is still one thing that doesn't seem to want to go away and that was never having my mom's acceptance or knowledge of who I really was.

Becoming of age came in the early 60's for me but all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. My mom wanted me to have titles upon titles after my name. She never got over the fact that I had no interest in that. It was because of her own issues that she wanted to live her life vicariously through me but she never stopped to recognize her own stubborness in Me!

Well... now I'm digressing, but I do see some of my own issues in your life.

<font color="purple"> (((((((Candybear)))))))) </font>

Just wanted to drop by and say that you are NOT a loser. Maybe you were convinced that you are, as I was, or it could be depression lying to you. It's my hope that soon you'll start to believe the opposite is true.

As I get to know you better, I may post some of the possitives I see in you. You're not alone in your thinking, though. Sometimes I still get this angry little voice coming from somewhere in the past that makes me think that maybe... just Maybe I may be a loser too, but I tell it to shut up real quick! That was then, this is now.