To go or to stay...?

Well, I still plan to talk to my profs today(about the effects on my courses if I go into the hospital). But now I'm wondering if that will be necessary, or if I'd be able to stay here, just get my meds changed. Last night I felt my only choices were to go or to attempt. I don't know why I feel different today - thinking more clearly, though still not really wanting to live. I'm kind of expecting more that I won't be safe enough to stay here, it'd certainly be foolish to do nothing just because I feel somewhat better today. But I don't know. Maybe the hospital won't be necessary this time... I hope.

I've been where you are, and recently. I went because my pdoc personally escorted me there. I was about a day from a serious attempt before he did that. But 3 days inpatient and 4 partial did me a world of good. I'd encourage you to go. You can sort out the other stuff later. I had to take a week's vacation from work to go, but I really felt like I had no other choice, and it doesn't sound like you do either. Keep yourself safe, OK?

candy

Keep yourself safe, Taonuviel. Please put your health first, above all other concerns.

<font color="purple"> ((((((((Taonuviel)))))))) </font>

Taonuviel, do whatever you need to do to get yourself healthy - even if it puts you behind in school. It took me 6 1/2 years to complete my undergraduate degree and I don't regret it at all. I gave myself breaks whenever I needed them. At first, I thought doing so was irresponsible, but now I see that it's the most responsible thing I've ever done for myself. If I was feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, I'd take a semester off and it would always do me a world of good. I'd be so much happier and my grades would be so much better when I went back.

And maybe you don't even need to withdraw completely. I know it may be hard, but try to talk with your professors and see how they might be willing to work with you. Most hospital stays are short term and missing a few classes might not be as big a deal as you think.

Also, if your school has a disablities office, go talk to them. In fact, I might talk to them first because oftentimes, THEY will do the talking to your profs, and will sort of force the compassion on those few that don't come by it naturally.

Taonuviel -- I'd like to add another 2-cents (which is all it's worth, grin) to the "drop out of school" debate.

When I left school bec. of depression, I got a job in newspaper. Tried several times to go back over the years, but was so absorbed in my work that it crowded out p/t school, so I continued to withdraw from classes I'd enrolled in.

Finally -- after 22 years -- I returned as an undegraduate, f/t. I got so much more out of my studies -- in communication -- bec. of my experience than some younger students, who were just so burned out on school after K-12. I continued right on to graduate school, and the burn-out rate for the younger students was high. I felt sorry for some of them, bec. they seemed to be working to fulfill parents' or society's expectations, rather than their own. There were a number of middle-aged folks like me, and my last therapist got her degree in middle-age, too, and we were in agreement that waiting -- for the right person -- can make school even better.

I'm am NOT urging you to drop out. Just seconding the idea that it is not irresponsible nor should you feel guilty or put any blame on yourself should you decide to drop some or all classes for the time being.

It all depends on where your heart is and what your needs are right now. If your need is to finish, I hope you will find the support your you need at your school.

Stay well.

<font color="purple">((((((((Taonuviel))))))))</font>

<font color="purple">((((((((Taonuviel))))))))</font>

I am concerned that you didn't keep your commitment for an assessment. I am glad that your ministers care so much about you. That's great!

I just didn't make myself clear enough... I'm not very good at that. I think they think I'm just lonely and stressed-out, so I need to try being with people before going to the hospital again.
I don't care anymore. I give up.

You can't give up.

Are you saying that you didn't tell them the "whole story", so they gave you contrary advice, and now you are confused because they didn't give you the advice you expected?

If they do understand everything I wonder if they have a predjudice against psychiatric treatment. If you feel suicidal, and they say not to go to the hospital, are they going to offer an alternative to not only keep you alive, but to have you working toward feeling better and able to deal with school/friends/life again?

I guess it is true that one shouldn't use the hospital to run away from ones problems. But you are not having a "difficult time". You have periods where you feel suicidal. You are unable to cope with the stress of school. It is keeping you from thinking clearly and from functioning day to day. It doesn't matter if you happen to feel good right now, what is the trend? Today you feel better, tomorrow will you feel hopeless again? Feeling suicidal even if it is only occasionally is NOT "ok".

You are not running from your problems, you are walking up to face them. Pretending nothing is wrong and trying to "work it out on your own" is running IMO, based on how bad you have been feeling recently.

It is like having all the symptoms of appendicitis but saying "Well lets just try to put an ice pack on it for a few days and see if it gets better before we 'run' to the doctor". Note I didn't say "Before you have surgery". I'm not suggesting you have surgery, I'm suggesting you go to the doctor and see if he thinks you need surgery. Reschedule and talk to the doctor. Waiting around to see if the appendix bursts is no solution, because then it is too late.

I said what I could. I was trying to get out "I'm thinking of od-ing," but I couldn't make myself say it. I did conciously resist covering up how I was thinking, and was very negative, I know I showed warning signs. But I think they had an entirely different mindset, I don't know if it even occured to them I might be suicidal. I think they thought I was just overwhelmed with stress and loneliness, but not in danger. I know they're not against psychiatric treatment, N has been on the edge of getting me in the hospital before, and B has said he'd want me in there if that's what it took to be safe. I just didn't make myself clear enough.
I was very bad last night. I'm going in today, around noon. I called last night, but they had no room, so I insisted I was safe overnight and I'm on the waiting list, someone's leaving about noon.
I really hate this. I don't want to go in, I don't want to stay here, but this time I'm afraid of what I really want. I don't want to deal with this.

I bet you've been up all nite too. Glad to see ya hang'n in there.
(((((((Tao)))))) be thinkin of ya

<font color="blue">(((((((TAO)))))))... </font>

>>I know I showed warning signs.

One other problem with depression I've discovered is that it very much distorts our... I don't want to say "self image," but rather how we think people perceive our actions.

Probably part of the isolation that becomes habit and also the instinct to "put on a happy face" and hide our pain from others... When we decide to take the mask off and let people know we need help, VERY often we think we are being clear but we really haven't changed anything.

The day before I was hospitalized, I knew I was in trouble. I had been sliding downhill for two years, had a suicide plan, was hiding it from everyone... then I went into my now "infamous" four days of no sleep and no eating.

However I didn't actually jump to the suicide plan... I knew I was feeling really bad and that I shouldn't be alone. So I called a friend and asked him to come over. He said he would stop by in the afternoon. He never did. That's when I decided that it was time to act on my plan (I didn't try it, I called a hotline instead and that led me into the hospital).

I was VERY very upset that this friend didn't show up. As my mind cleared however I realized it was largely my fault, because what I said to him and what I thought I was saying were two completely different things.

In my mind, I was desparate, I called, and said "Can you come over today, I'm feeling really badly, and I don't think I should be alone." And I assumed that "I may be in danger" was sort of implied in there.

But I realized that what I actually said was "Are you busy this afternoon? I'm here by myself today and I'd like some company. If you have time can you stop by sometime this afternoon?"

He's a busy guy and it is not unusual to have an open ended "I'll stop by if I can get out early" thing. I thought I was setting up a special "emergency" visit when to him it was just a common call.

Taonuviel -- I believe some of the long-time moderators on this list have well-informed insights that are worth listening to. It can be very hard to tell people about the depths of our depression, because the disease is misunderstood (as being sad, moody, etc.) and stigmatized. If you didn't reveal everything to the ministers, they were giving suggestions on the basis of incomplete information.

As Dexter has pointed out, getting an assessment is a solid first step that is prudent to take.