Is THIS honestly why I'm here??!!??

I'm going to try this again, now that I'm not sobbing! If any of you have read previous posts about work, you know that I work very, very hard and I'm quite a perfectionist. What you don't know is that I am not a people person. That is well known around the office and in fact is quite a joke--I have a grumpy sign I put on my office and can laugh at myself. I don't take myself too terribly seriously, but I am a serious person, if that makes sense. I'm not comfortable around people--especially women. I don't join in the whole "i broke a nail" stuff, I don't watch reality TV, I'm not married and I'm not dating, I don't gossip; I'm a computer geek. I'm a paperwork freak. I can relate to those things. I work very hard at walking around the office, saying hi, telling people I appreciate them, etc. I have been talked to on a couple occassions by my manager because people have complained they don't like me, they don't like talking to me if I'm in a bad mood--not because I'm mean, but because they don't know how to take me. Anyways, back to the reason for this post. "My" doctor, Dr. A, at work, and I always meet Wednesday evenings to go over the week and update each other. I have a really good raport with him. Tonight we did our normal talk then he said he needs to talk to me "outside of the realm of his position". Since I've rambled enough, I'll make it short...he said none of the doctors like me, none of the staff like me, no one knows what I do there because my door is always shut and I need to change the perception. There is one woman here who I really cannot get along with, now I have to take her under my wing, make her feel loved and included. Without knowing the whole thing that sounds stupid but I won't bore you with the history. Anyway, in addition to sitting there being told that no one can stand me, no one knows what I do, I have to try to hold it together and no cry. I FAILED. I f****** let a tear slip down my cheek!!! Real ******* professional. It hurt so bad, though. I have such a hard time being around people, and when I try so hard and then am told that I wanted to throw up. Oh, it gets better. Sunday I'm leaving for New Orleans for another conference and he will be at this one and wants to go to dinner (absolutely 100% nothing romantic, no way, nothing like that) so now I have to sit across the table from this man who just tore me down further than I've been in a long time. I have struggled so hard with my self esteem. I know I don't do well with people, but I have tried so hard to believe in myself and stop the record that says I suck, I'm worthless, I'm hated. Nope, it was just a lie I was telling myself. I messaged my manager, even though it was 9:30 at night and she called me and talked to me, said no one has had a problem with me in a long time and she knows I work so hard and she couldn't do her job without me and she told the doctors this in the board meeting---whoa!!! Board meeting?? Yep, all this was brought up at the board meeting!!!! Great. I can't go in tomorrow. I can't. I just want to curl up and not move. I felt better after talking to my manager but not much. I was so upset on the way home I called my ex-fiance--I wanted to talk to someone who knew me and knew the history. Not one word out of his mouth. Nothing. So I apologized for calling him and hung up. I HAD (HAVE) NO ONE. No one I can call, no one I can talk to. I do suck, he's right. They've all been right. I have no one. Oh, and I was so upset I called my t; ok--it was 10:30 at night at this point, on the way home and just thought I'd get the answering service and could leave a message. Nope, a person answered. I was sobbing and asked if by chance he was there. She said no, he's not. Didn't offer to take my number or anything so I just hung up. I don't even know why I called. I just wanted someone to care. I am so sorry to take up so much time, and God bless you if you've read all this.

All I can say is that is horrible. Yet in someways I feel I can relate. I am not a people person either and I work as a server at the Keg. People say I'm shy and too reserved. I do my job great yet people can't understand me because I'm not like them. I hope that helps in some ways. believe me, a lot of the time I feel worthless...and that what is the point in living because I have few friends and I'm not able to relate to people very well. But then i stop and think, well i am a great person and I do do a lot for people. It's not me that's the problem it's people and how they perceive me. I'm very sure that you are a wonderful person, and by reading what you wrote I think you are intelligent, caring and real. you're not superficial at all. You should be proud of that and have confidence. what I'm wondering is why your boss doesn't praise you more. it's her job to value you as an employee and make you feel as though your contribution is important. This would increase your self esteem and be friendlier with others....I appretiate you from what you've said...don't let others judge you...I hope this helps and I truly hope you get better...if you need to talk you can message me anytime

I care!!!

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I've worked in foodservice as a short order cook and more recently as a bartender. I'm not a people person either, so I really have to step wayyyyyy out of my shell to make people like me. Also, I don't like drinking to get drunk... which is a good chunk of what people are doing when they get served...

Enough about me though, that's just there to say I understand to a degree. I apologize in advance if I don't know what I'm talking about, because I don't know what it is you do for work. Anyway, I feel like the people there could do a better job understanding you. Although it'd be temporarily uncomfortable, you'd have to open up a little to them to help them understand.

Apart from that, I don't know what other support I can offer, other than MAJOR HUGS and hope things go better for you soon. Take care!

~TheDeliciousDish

I am so pissed I just wrote this most beautiful email to you. I'm sorry you are hurting. And f off those ******holes!!!! Have you tried working on your self esteem? Maybe check out that book I wrote about in my post the other day? Other peoples posts on self e? Cancel the flippin dinner. Say you changed your mind or something. Take a class in something to gain some mastery . I took an art class on jewelry making. Just a sat. class but I picked up my creations today and they look gr8. Made me feel like a star!!! Email me anytime. I'm sending you hugs.

cant,

i did read it all. i don't think you're wrong to be upset. if it were me i sure as hell would have cried, and i really REALLY would not have wanted to do that. (I have done it -- a few years ago a boss told me he thought i was stealing from him, was pretty sure about it in fact and was none too nice about it. I wasn't. )

but one way to think of it is that now you know EXACTLY what the score is. there's no mystery about how people at work feel about you (at least some of them, in this Dr. A's version). if you think that as long as you're getting your job done and your manager is happy, then it shouldn't matter, you're right. it's also normal and human to want to be liked.

In a way he's done you a favor. That's probably how he thinks of it in fact. But you have a place to start from, you know? there are so many ways to befriend people in an office. Unless you've really screwed someone, people are usually pretty willing to be won over. if you just want to say, to hell with these jerks, that's fine too. the point is now you know and you have a choice.

I'm crying

ok, ok.... HOW DARE HE! that is an awful thing to do... and hunny don't worry about crying being unprofessional, HE's being unprofessional... it shouldn't be dealt with in this way, you are being discriminated against.
Don't ever think you suck, he's not right. Alright people are entitled to there own opinions (cough cough even though they're all disgustingly wrong cough cough)... but I bet none of the office even know about you personally and what you're going through etc, they don't know the person we know? A strong, beautiful, funny, caring, courageous woman (no, honestly! I look up to you... you've come so far)
Try not to let this steal your confidence, I can understand that it may... but don't let them win... go in tomorrow with your head held high and prove that you won't let them get to you (and maybe consider another job if it's plausible, you deserve so much better).

I REALLY have to go... there's so much more I want to say to you, but take care and remember that we all love you here (and your kids love you )

(((((((((((((((( cantstopcrying ))))))))))))))))))

((((csc))))

Thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate your time and the fact that you understand.

Silver, thank you so very much!! It helps so much to know that you care and are sending hugs.

Please don't apologize, it's wonderful to know that others have this issue of not being comfortable around people but having to for work. Major hugs are appreciated a ton!

Thank you, leftfield! I do try working on my self esteem and after years and years of having it tore down I have (had) finally gotten it up to where, ok--you don't like me, that's fine, not everyone will like everyone, I'm still a good person, I'm helpful, caring, intelligent. And now it's gone. yes, I am still those things but I'm just fooling myself if I believe I'm worthwhile. I think I will tell him I didn't get phone coverage in New Orleans and skip the dinner. I know, I should suck it and go. Prove I can, but I think it's too much for me.

Thank you for reading it all and being able to relate. And for putting it in a different light. You're right, no more fooling myself, I know the exact score now (never mind that its with me in the negative!). I will have to try harder at being something I'm not. I was telling one friend I do have here about it this morning and she was crying, so I know she knows that what he said is not true, but there are a few people here, like I said, that don't like me...they can't even imagine the possibility of having a hard time being with people so they can't relate. No, I have never screwed anyone over--I have too big a guilt and compassion factor to do that, but I have found working with so many women that usually--and I say usually, not always--there is no sacred ground, nothing is off limits if they have a bad day or take something personally. Anyways, thank you so much for your advice and your words. You have truly helped.

Molly, thank you soooo much. I should have put a trigger icon up, know you just went through the same thing basically with your dad. I am so sorry. I took your advice and came in today--I look horrible: no sleep, puffy eyes and three new friends that decided they wanted to be displayed on my face because I'm not quite disgusting looking enough!! But I'm here and I'm being cheerful. Thank you so very much for all you've said. It really does help.

I got here this morning and my manager was glad I did decide to come in. She said that Dr. A proceeded to call Dr. B this morning (honestly those are their initials ) and tell him that I said I had no clue, I had never been talked to about it, I thought I got along great with people. I just love liars. They are so great--you always know where you stand: on the opposite side of reality!!! I can't thank you enough for the support and love. I am going to try to continue on my path that I've tread so far, though I'll be starting further back than I was yesterday, I'm sure I can get back where I was more quickly this time. With the support and love from everyone here and everything I have learned. Thank you all

You did it again--made me smile even when I don't want to. Thank you dear fuzzybear!!

Manda dear....I know you are struggling too and it means a lot to me that you took the time to read this and send your hugs along. Thank you very much.

CSC, I am going to take the tough approach here. These are the facts of your life, you admit that you have trouble with people, did his confirming this take away your denial of the issue? Denial makes it harder to solve the problems.

Why do you call this failure? Reframe it, CSC. You just need to work on these issues. You are a smart woman who obviously got this position in the first place. Failure should not be in your vocabulary. A more helpful term might be "I have some problem solving to do". Look forward, don't get weighed down with the issues, keep moving (but not in denial!).

What is wrong with crying in front of this doctor? Do you think that he has never seen anyone cry before? Tears are appropriate in this situation.

Trying to convince yourself that you don't have these problems doesn't make them go away. Only facing the issues and acting on them will make them go away.

Thank you for your response. I don't try to deny these exist, I know they exist. I readily admit I'd rather have a computer than people in my office. I am not comfortable around people, I don't fit in. Having him say these things was not bringing them forward when I was trying to deny them, it was not recognizing the positive things I do around here, it was hurting an already hurt person--who admitted I know these things about me and that I don't like them--, it was. I call it failure because 1.) I tried not to cry and I failed and 2.) I have tried very hard to be approachable, likeable, nice, etc and I failed. It is what it is. My t always tells me to take failure out of my vocabulary and usually I agree. This time I don't. I know, he didn't make me feel this way, I am choosing to feel this way. I know all that. It doesn't ease the pain. I sat there last night listening to the same thing over and over and tried thinking "it's ok, you're going to take this in and make it a positive. you are going to do it." But there are only so many times I can listen to being told that the doctors don't like, let alone the staff, before the record kicks in again and takes over. It's my choice to be sitting here crying--I could choose to go hug everyone and do a happy dance, but crying when hurt is who I am and hurting--I suppose as you say by the truth is who I am too. I know he has seen people cry, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it in his patients--he has walked out of a room before when someone was crying--and he shouldn't have to have it in his Research Administrator. I have never ever tried to convince myself I don't have these problems. They are a big reason why I'm even here at pc. Now I'm considering erasing this whole response because I'm afraid I sound mean and I don't want to come across as that. I just want to make the point that I know I'm not a people person, have never denied it (I used to have a t-shirt that said "do I look like a freakin' people person!). What has me upset is the way he chose to approach this, the fact that this was discussed in a board meeting that was not even about me, the fact that he cares so little that he can lie like that and especially that, in talking to one of the doctors and my manager this morning, its not even about me! He is trying to prove that I have an issue that needs "counselling" and I need "written up" and my manager hasn't done it. It could have been anyone, it could have been the copy girl in medical records if her name had been brought up. He is trying to prove that the manager is not doing her job by pointing out that the only thing in my record is my yearly review comments about it, not continuous reprimands and if everyone hates me so, there should be documentation. He's trying to prove she is not doing her job and used me to throw under the bus. He just happened to pick someone who has been under the bus too long and is having a hard time getting up and I don't even know if any of that made sense without knowing all that is going on in this lovely little business. Thank you for your help and insight.

First things first

I promised to send my friends a rainbow and this is a double for you. I'm sure it really didn't help much so we'll just skip that part.

As I've read your posts I had the feeling I knew exactly what you were saying. Unfortunately I'm a frog of little brain (found my dirty breakfast dishes in the bathroom sink) and don't remember a lot. But when I read through your post I found myself yep, that's right. I'm so good at not liking people that I have no friends IRL.

And I do understand the feelings of preferring computers to people. I do have a sewing machine that I can yell at as an added bonus.

From your posts I can understand the crying and crying and crying. But you also seem to have an inner strength that you can draw upon. You have done it before and you will do it again of that I'm sure.

There is a book, I think that you might find interesting now if I could only remember the name. It was something like "Who moved my cheese" but I'm not sure.

((csc))
screw them
using you to get at someone else is cowardly and that's just the beginning of what I would call that testicular-challenged fool.
he blindsided you with his claims and that is unfair to say the least. I don't have much respect for anyone who does such things.

your butt is covered as far as your work history is concerned, and I congratulate you on your hard work.

ya know there is not a darn thing wrong with not being a people person...it's but one part of who we are. if someone judges us on one thing, it's a reflection on them and not on us.

others have given wonderful advice and hugs
oops--here's mine
and I hope all of it helps

don't let someone else define your value--easy to say and hard to do--I've walked that rocky road myself.

I won't do this, but...send me the address of that rectal orifice and I'll send him some plastic balls so he can pretend he has them...

Cap

Your response didn't sound mean at all.....

Crying or a happy dance are you only choices here? Come on...

I would suggest that you focus on what you are going to do about yourself. No one can ever control what others do but you can certainly take care of yourself and manuever about around these people. Focusing on them and if they are right, wrong, nice or mean just distracts you from focusing on the work that you need to do with and for yourself...

I care, and you did not FAIL, you FELL DOWN- now get your self back up and start again, you have told me that many of times. We are all here for you.
((((((cantstopcrying)))))))

Oh kebs, thank you so much. The rainbows really did help. I love double rainbows, they are so pretty. I am so happy that you can relate so well. You have me beat, I don't have a sewing machine--any more. Me and the seam-ripper got to be best friends, the sewing machine was jealous, so I took it on a date...to the side of the road on garbage day!!! Thank you for seeing that inner strength. I forget about it sometimes, but you're right. I need to draw on it and make it through this. Who moved my cheese---I think thats the book about adapting to change. (and after my mouse issues so recently in the past, maybe I'll wait on cheese anything! ). question--where you eating while showering again? Is that why your dishes were in the bathroom? Thank you so much for the cheer and support.

Oh my lord, Cap, I think I'm laughing as hard as I was crying last night!! Thank you so much! For everything you said!