trigger but this'll probably get deleted

i was gonna take a break for a couple of days
but sitting at home, looking out the window, what else do i have?
i rerealized something today

i don't matter
the world is better off without me- my "friends"- none of them need or want me
my future? it'll be bleak. the people i'm concerned about would all be better off, they'll find someone else and it'll be someone they deserve
the world doesn't care about me, why should i care about myself?

i'm a wounded animal
i've been wounded all my life, i've fought all my life, i've clawed my way to survival, bleeding and torn, injured and enraged
i lie here with my eyes twitching and i've lost sight of everything. i have no energy left, i have no shred of will left, no hope, no dignity, i'm a tired, scared, bloodied animal

now i hope a hunter comes and swiftly places the final bullet in me, because i don't have the energy to run from him nor do i have the energy to fight him, i will lie here on the ground like the dying thing i am. this pack is broken, defeated, and none

the care has escaped me and when the hunter comes i wont cry, i'll accept it and it'll be the cold end i deserve, few mourners will mourn me before my body is gone, my memory faded, the world will turn without me, my impact in life is so minimal, like a footprint in the sand, i'll be washed away

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by Griffe

trigger but this'll probably get deleted

i was gonna take a break for a couple of days
but sitting at home, looking out the window, what else do i have?
i rerealized something today

i don't matter
the world is better off without me- my "friends"- none of them need or want me
my future? it'll be bleak. the people i'm concerned about would all be better off, they'll find someone else and it'll be someone they deserve
the world doesn't care about me, why should i care about myself?

i'm a wounded animal
i've been wounded all my life, i've fought all my life, i've clawed my way to survival, bleeding and torn, injured and enraged
i lie here with my eyes twitching and i've lost sight of everything. i have no energy left, i have no shred of will left, no hope, no dignity, i'm a tired, scared, bloodied animal

now i hope a hunter comes and swiftly places the final bullet in me, because i don't have the energy to run from him nor do i have the energy to fight him, i will lie here on the ground like the dying thing i am. this pack is broken, defeated, and none

the care has escaped me and when the hunter comes i wont cry, i'll accept it and it'll be the cold end i deserve, few mourners will mourn me before my body is gone, my memory faded, the world will turn without me, my impact in life is so minimal, like a footprint in the sand, i'll be washed away

((((((((((((( Griffe ))))))))))))))))

You have two young children and another on the way and a girlfriend who clearly loves you. I know you have had a really awful childhood but you can and do make a real difference especially for your children. They need a Dad and you are a good Dad. You can't change the past but you can make sure that your own children don't suffer the way you did.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((Vince))))))))) If you were to truly search your heart--step away from the pain and search your heart and mind--you would know instantly that you matter. That you are important. That you are worthy. Vince, your childhood has left scars both physical and emotional that are horrendous--that does not make you horrendous. Do you value Kate and her intelligence and worth so little that you think she is with you just for the hell of it? Vince, you have two babies and one on the way, you have Kate. If you never have anything else in your life, you have the world right there. Please don't think I'm being mean, I'm not trying to; I'm just begging you to see that you are valuable, that though you retain the scars from the past, you are not your past. I can't even begin to imagine the horrors and the emotional effect of them. The fact that you are here, at pc, tells me you have so much strength. You can get through this. Minute by minute by minute if you have to. Tired, scared and injured animals don't have to wait for the hunter...they can wait for the help, the love and help that will heal them. It happens, and it can happen to you. The pack can rest for awhile, lick your wounds so to speak, but Vince, you need to hang on. To say that your life does not matter and that your impact is minimal is wrong. Think about this: your 3 kids will grow up without you. Without the love and benefit of a father. But it doesn't stop there. Someday when they are older, they will have someone that loves them, who will share their pain. Kate will have to live her life without you. That's a pretty big impact!! You are so very important. The pain is making you feel like you aren't. Know you are loved and valued, both by Kate & your 3 kids and by people here. Me included.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))))))))
You matter to us and your family and friends.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Griffe

the world doesn't care about me, why should i care about myself?

Griffe I am sorry that you are feeling so defeated. At this point those two sentences need to be reversed and it starts with you caring about yourself.........

You know there are a lot of people who care about you.

What happened to make you say the above?

my life happened. everything happened. the world is cruel and sick and i've had enough of hanging on. i can't live like this any longer. i can't live with nightmares when i sleep and nightmares when i'm awake, with chaos in my head and sickness beyond every corner, with haunting reminders of my past everywhere, the inability to trust a world that has only shown me that when it comes down to it, i will forever be hurt.

i use a wheelchair, one eye is useless, i'm missing a finger, my skin is grafted, but none of it can compare to what torture i endure on the inside, which can not be put into words. i fought. i've fought my entire life.

i don't want to do this any more. i don't want to get up in the morning and find living a chore. i love my girlfriend and my children, but they don't deserve a partner and a father who is losing the will to breathe and eat. i am dangling off a cliff and i won't wait to be caught at the end of my fall.

i am not my past, but i feel like my past has defeated me. i am filled with such empty sadness and anger today.

my life has caught up with me. i can no longer out run and hide from my memories and myself. they are too scary and too brutal to comfront on my own, but no one else can face it for me.

i can't do this.

[Sannah]

Griffe, can you call your therapist?

[Blue93]

Cant is right... if you cant/dont want to hang on for yourself... do it for your family..

i've skipped my last... 3 sessions. it's a waste to call him. it doesn't matter, i won't recover, he can't heal what's been done, what i've felt, what i've seen, i'm too fractured and incomplete. i'm shattered.

my family deserves someone better. they deserve a real father and not whatever i am.

i feel like a freak, i feel degraded and destroyed. i'm sorry for writing this. i'm sorry for being here. i just can't do this anymore. i can't. it's too painful. there are too many memories. i can't fight it, it surrounds me and consumes me.

there is too much.

I speak coming from a kid who grew up with depressed parents, and whose friends parents have or have tried committing suicide... that if you were to die, your girlfriend and kids would be crushed. Don't do it. Even if you can't live for yourself then live for your family, for your children, until you can see for yourself how much we all love and care about you, and how great of a person you are who deserves to live and be loved. You may be wounded, but wounds can be healed. Yes, it will take time, a lot of time... but in the end you don't really know what the future will bring, it may be bleak but I see in you and your future to be a lot of joy even though life hurts so much right now.

You don't have to go it alone either
There are a lot of people in the world who are there to listen to you
To help you
So that life is no longer so painful...

[Capp]

i am not my past, but i feel like my past has defeated me. i am filled with such empty sadness and anger today.

my life has caught up with me. i can no longer out run and hide from my memories and myself. they are too scary and too brutal to comfront on my own, but no one else can face it for me.

i can't do this.

[/quote]

Yes you can...

Griffe, your past has not defeated you. In some ways, you are now beginning to face what has happened to you...yes, it is brutal and heart-breaking and overwhelming, but you are talking about them and getting some of the pain out. It doesn't feel good and it's not supposed to...that is why you have a therapist to help you IRL and people here who care about you.
Let us love you until you can love yourself.

You have people in your life who will do whatever it takes to help you--accept that help. The alternative is not an option if you can really be honest with yourself. There is more to life than feeling like this, but you have to make some kind of effort to change it.
It doesn't matter how small that effort is, it builds on itself and strengthens every day.
Hmmm...you already made an effort, Griffe. You've come here and shared with people you know care about you...that took courage and a wee bit of hope that someone would say something/anything to shed some light in your darkness.

Really honest--the alternative ain't all it's cracked up to be.
My thought as I was tumbling into nothingness was, "OH ****! I want to live; I just don't want to live like this..."
In an instant, I saw my children, my SO, everyone in my life who loved me...and I loved them. Then small things like the beauty of violets, the sound of the ocean...many things that I loved wrapped into one thing...
my weeping with regret began then

Obviously, I'm here to share with you. You do have the power to make your life better. You--Power. You do not have to continue feeling like a powerless victim, but you do have to make the decision to take that first step towards feeling better, welcoming joy into your life, hope in your heart.

Yeah, surviving brutal childhoods is but the first step. The second is understanding and forgiving ourselves for the mistakes/decisions we made while growing up because we did not know better...
That third step? Not giving up.
BTDT

Power to you, Griffe, Power to you

Cap

[Blue93]

yes they want their dady... not a stepdad
she wants her boyfriend and father of her kids.... not someone else...
Do it for them... even if you feel you are not worth it or whatever... mentally you know we are right... Just hard to feel it right now
Do it for your family as long as you can not do it for yourself...
Take care Vince.. we all know it will be hard but you CAN do it

Blue

[Sannah]

Griffe, you missed your last 3 appts!

i apologize for clogging this forum.

i've accepted help before. what can people do to help me? they can not relieve a burden that is mine to hold. i have had my life piled on me for too long now and i am broken, i can walk no further. if i drag my aching body along the rode as i search for whatever meager light is there it the end i will not find it, for i've lost sight of everything. the pain is too much.

i have failed everyone around me- i fail as a partner, a father, a friend. stepdad? it wouldn't make a difference to them- they wouldn't remember me, they're too young to. i've always vowed to give my kids what i never had growing up, a good life. a good father. i'm not a good father. i am the product of my childhood. i am a broken mess.

i lost my worth, or maybe i was born without it. and now i just slip into my dark abyss. part of me doesn't want to, but the rest of me is too tired to fight it.

i know i've missed my last 3 sessions. and i'll probably miss my next one tomorrow.

i do try, i really do, i've tried hard. i tried lying down just now but it doesn't help any when i'm alone in the house. my poor dog came over to lick my face, i probably seem cod and lifeless to him too. i still laugh, i got to chat with a friend earlier and we laughed and that was good. it still can't beat this pain.

i'm still writing here, even if it about that bleak world of worthless depression i'm trapped inside. my past has stolen my future. i'm conflicted inside.

it's unfair to deal with this. at least in my hopeless world i can finally start to see that the past is not all my fault, although it's years too late.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( griffe ))))))))))))))))))
Please keep fighting this battle you are worth it.

I know life seems hopeless right now, but I know you can get through it
Just keep fighting this battle

[Capp]

Griffe, when you are going through hell--keep walking...crawling is all right, too.
We know you are trying, but please hear what we are saying, also. You do not have to go it alone. Period. You do not have to go it alone.
"Burden that is mine to hold." Stop holding it 'cause it's not doing you a bit of good to hold onto that garbage. We can get so used to carrying around so many burdens and garbage from the past and the present that all we can feel is hopeless and ground down--at some point we want to give up yet we don't want to give up...all we see/feel is confusion and despair.

Griffe, we are all products of our childhoods...good or bad childhoods. Yeah, when they are horrid, it can make us feel like broken messes...well, broken messes can be fixed. I had to be "fixed." Was it fun or easy? No. Did I make enough progress taking my itty-bitty steps to make it worthwhile? Yes. Am I free of all the pain and sickness and anger and feeling like whale poop? Many days I am...there are also days when I struggle to hold onto those feelings of hope and peace. But struggle I will because it will get better; not as quickly or as easily as I want but it will get better.
Missing your therapy appts is dangerous and you know it, Griffe. Isolating yourself from those who can help you does you no favors; it makes everything harder. I believe you are finding that out--the longer you go without the help and guidance of your therapist, the easier it is to want to give up, belittle yourself, find no reasons to love yourself, remember each and every painful thing you have Survived...akin to backing yourself into a corner.
How about taking some mental steps away from that corner? That corner/that trap is enticing and seductive, but you do not have to give in to it. You have more power than you are aware of, Griffe--use it.

Forget the failure stuff...you can handle it later. Folks can juggle only so much before they are(figuratively) running here, there, everywhere with so many negative feelings and thoughts...your energy is drained and it doubles your doubts and your fears and your hopelessness.
It doesn't have to be that way. No Lie. No Platitude. It's The Truth, Griffe.

"my past has stolen my future. i'm conflicted inside." to quote you.
Take your present and your future back...you do that by going to therapy even if you drag yourself there, cry during that time, be quiet and sullen, or any number of things. the point is for you to be there; to make that effort to move forward--sloth steps were my forward movement for awhile. I had to work my way up to baby steps, and believe me when I share with you that those baby steps were really, really tiny ones.
Griffe, there is not going to be an Instantaneous Cure. Most likely you'll have remissions that will last longer as time goes by. Be glad for them...they come to us as we need them, but they are not coming all at once.

"Conflicted inside." Well, yeah. None of us are calm and stand tall when we are ground down/beating ourselves/taking blame for everything/demeaning ourselves despite having people who love us.
There is something known as Conflict Resolution. I have faith you have heard these words...just not in this context.
We usually associate it with problems between people, seldom do we realize it is also for our personal battles.

I don't think there is much more that I can say...and I may have said too much already.
If nothing else, I have learned that loving hearts do carry us during rough times simply because we have walked that path.
Most of what I have shared with you is what I learned over the years...not as a psych nurse but as a survivor.

I hate the word survivor. But I have no replacement for it.
Childhood sexual trauma and torture, making some pretty stupid decisions from not knowing any better, not feeling connected to anyone or anything, full of swallowed rage and shame and guilt--all before I was 16.
Part of my handicaps/physical challenges now are from wild living...I no longer think of them as punishment.

Far too many of us have gone through these past events and now we battle the affects. So be it...it's the way our lives are *now* Now, not always.
If I can be of help via PM, IM, email--don't hesitate. Others have offered the same.
Take folks up on it, Griffe. You know you will do it for them when they need special care and support. You've already done it for others...

Power to you, Griffe
Cap

[OldSoul19]

Your family loves you, your friends love you. I don't know your story but it seems to me that you don't love yourself. If you don't love yourself you can not allow anyone else to love you. I feel that way too, the only thing to do is to learn to love yourself and then you will realize they all love you very much. This isn't as easy as it sounds, I'm working on that also but one day if you try hard and keep fighting through the pain you will be a survivor and be stronger for it. Find the love inside of you. xoxo

You are an amazing writer. I wish I could express as you do.

<3 OS19