My stupid boring life, don't bother reading it...

Might trigger someone...

Alrighty, I thought I’d vent (whine about) this all here ‘cause I actually did find it helpful getting some of this stuff out in the chat room… This WILL be boring, no one’s forced to read…

I’ve been depressed for a long long time (depression is my own diagnosis, I think it’s kind of obvious) for absolutely no reason at all. I mean nothing really bad has ever happened to me, of course there are lot of things I could point out that might have affected. Tough part with that is not knowing when it actually started but because it has been going on for at least from when I was 13 I guess stuff like changing school and parents divorcing at least haven’t been actually helpful either. That’s just guessing though, I didn’t really care about either of them

I’m having difficulties writing this because now that I do, I’m having all these new thoughts about it and I don’t know how to put it

Well, I know I have had major self esteem issues from when I was a teen, which I guess is normal. But I hate the way I look, I disgust myself most of the time, other times I don’t care but never has there even once been a time I had been happy with it… I’d kill for plastic surgery, I’m serious. I took every bad comment of my looks as the absolute truth, I still do and I still remember all of them… Then I also developed the insane fear of saying something stupid, it scares me to death. I also remember most of the stupid things I’ve ever said that’s made people snicker. From YEARS ago!!! Somebody tell me why can’t I just freaking LET GO!? I started believing that everyone thinks badly of me, everyone hates me and laughs at me behind my back… Every time people laughed they must have been laughing at me, when they were whispering together and go quiet if I came closer they must have been talking about me… They must have

I actually do realize how selfish it is to think that, “everyone has to always think about Me and talk about Me, there’s nothing else they could have on their mind but Me”

I didn’t have many friends as a teen and boyfriends I didn’t have at all. Just like some random guys I might have gotten drunk with as 14-year-old and so on, couldn’t remember any names or anything. I was very scared to go to school everyday even though I wasn’t specially picked at… just some comments now and then. I was extremely shy and awkward with boys and at the same time panicked about everyone else being more experienced than I am So… at 17 I was REALLY panicked about me going to die as a virgin so I went ahead and let this 30-year-old guy take advantage of that. He even had a girlfriend of his own so I guess he’d be a seriously bad choice . All my guys after that have been more or less in the same league so u can imagine how I feel about men and sexuality… I'm gonna end up alone as a hermit just living with bunch of animals, talking to them and thinking they talk back

All of this got worse and worse as time went by, so at 18 I really started thinking about committing a suicide, that had been in my thoughts daily for many years but only then I really got serious about it. I won’t say I attempted cuz I know just walking to a bridge and then starting to argue with some blokes that show up isn’t really trying of any kind… I was probably just relieved those people came there… I had trouble getting sleep that summer, thoughts kept running in my head, like a voice that kept mocking me, telling me all the stupid things I’ve done and everything that’s wrong with me… I couldn’t get sleep and I didn’t want to “listen” that so I pretty much went running every night and listened to music. Lots of batteries spent… Made sure I was always home before mom woke up... as in I skilfully hid the whole thing from them for years

I got pretty desperate from there on, my studying got F’d up, I slept on classes, skipped school as much as it was possible just by writing false absence permissions. I had anxiety almost every day in school and pretty much everywhere that u have to stay put. I wanted to keep moving or die. I did try to kill myself for real, didn’t succeed though as u can see . I started taking drugs which originally came from the idea that I could overdose, my dealer unfortunately wasn’t up for that though, but they worked somewhat as an anti-depressant too… They “got me through” the higher school examinations and stuff like that. But then he stopped selling me and I had enough trouble of finding a guy I “trusted” in the first place, so I just took off with the drugs I had and left before I had to finish what I had left of upper secondary and start applying to universities.

I was meant to go and jump under a train or something but I ended up driving totally high in Helsinki at my friend’s place whom no one in my “other life” knew. I was really really really just at my limit there. Spent there a few days before my folks started calling after me, I was a total mess. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I was sick, I had panic attacks and even more so when the phone started ringing I didn’t answer to any before I got a msg from a police (so ridiculous that cops send messages ) ), something about tracing me bla bla if I don’t let my folks hear of me. Well I got scared I’d have police catching me if I left the house so I told my sister they can all go * . After that I spent about a month there, until I got very depressed by it (my friend’s an alcoholic so she’s not always the best company ) and agreed to go to my brother’s, another month in there, and then my dad rented this lovely little apartment for me

In the beginning of this new “era” I was still very depressed and suicidal and my sister kept guarding me like a maniac. I also felt like filling the void of the drugs with something and I really had a desire of SI, luckily I didn’t have sharp enough knife and I’m a coward anyway

I haven’t seen my mom since I ran away and I have some serious issues regarding her but MAYBE I can whine about rest of the stuff another time don’t ye think? Maybe this is just laura's life, part one oh my god i am SO sorry to bug you guys with this....

Sorry for this ridiculous over extended biography I’ll try and keep the rest of them shorter… wow I bet no one got to finish this..

((((((((((((((neriz))))))))))))))) we care and are sorry you are having a hard time.

...i got to finish it........and oh my.....so much of it i could have written myself about my own life.......but you know what?.....one day i just decided that enough was enough......i sought out help......even though i am a professional myself......and after may trial and errors with meds and therapy.......i'm a changed person......a happy person.......you can make it too.......hang in there......julia

((((((((((((((((((( neriz )))))))))))))))))) so much of what you say rings true for my younger life. but, guess what?? it can get better! the first step is acknowledging things are as bad as they are, then getting help! your life can change. you can feel happy. you DESERVE to feel happy. bless you on your journey there,

kd

Hi Laura. Sometimes it can be of some comfort to know you're not alone and it could be worse. I can relate to much of what you say, believe me. I'm now in my early 40s and women still avoid me like the plague. Unfortunately, I know I'll die a virgin. It's not like I have a choice. I still don't know how I made it this far as it is. From reading your post though, I think your attitude may be the biggest factor in not being able to find someone. Having said that, it doesn't mean I don't understand why you feel as you do. ..... Gary

Hi Neriz --

It's obvious that your story evoked memories and feelings of kinship and empathy for many of us. I think we can safely say as well that for each of us who responds with a post, there were 5-10 others who also know that they are in the same boat, but were too deeply in their own pain to post . . . or didn't have time . . . or didn't know what to say . . . but they did "feel your pain." As the cliche goes.

I hope that knowing that there are people out there who understand is comforting.

((((((((((((((((((((Neriz)))))))))))))))))))))))

I agree with those who say that posting this message can be a turning point for you . . .

<font color="blue">Life is a journey, not a destination.</font> Geez, I'm just loaded with cliches this morning, aren't I.

But let's take a moment and examine that worn-out old phrase more deeply.

How do we start a journey? The first thing we have to do is <font color="blue">know where we are.</font> We cannot get to where we want to be/go, if we do not know where we are when we start.

As others have pointed out, now that you are aware that you are someplace that you don't like being -- you can start to consider your options for getting out.

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it be enjoyable? Maybe sometimes, when you experience the exhilaration of progress. At others, you may have to confront things that you'd rather not. Want another cliche? <font color="blue">No pain, no gain.</font>

One thing I've read -- and that I know from 19 years as an escape artist deep into my tequila and wine and, um, other ummentionable stuff -- we depressives are not very good at a little thing called <font color="blue">delayed gratification.</font>

We are often in such pain that we will do anything, so long as it relieves that pain in the NOW, even when we <font color="blue">know</font> that in the morning we will be puking our guts out, or so sick we can't walk, or hating ourselves, or all of the above and more.

Within the past few months, I was finally put on an antidepressant schedule that works for me -- I say schedule because part of the plan is taking a med that works 2ce a day instead of once (the usual schedule) to minimize side effects. It took a couple of years -- during which time I was often in severe depression -- to find the right med. Delayed gratification. Gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you are sure that you can't breathe, no less take another step.

And I've had years and years of counseling. And I've switched from self-medicating with booze etc. to prayer (not everyone's cup of tea or shot glass of tequila, I know). And I came to the forums, and people showed me love and support. And I found some people like that in 3D. And things are better.

They can get better for you, too, Neriz.

I hope this is the start of a new life for you.

Hey, Neriz, I got to finish it and, like many others so much of the way you feel has echos within my own life.
You plunged in and I admire you for that, even though the depression thoughts were telling you 'they won't want to read this, let alone finish it, its stupid and boring' - you did it !!!! And we read it all !!!!!! And can relate to you !!!!! And we care !!!!!

I have hated my looks for many years. I can't even bring myself to tell ppl what is wrong because then they will have power over me and can use it to hurt me. I did have plastic surgery 9 years ago and it helped a bit but the feelings are still there. I have never met anyone who feels this way - but then a lot of ppl don't know it about me, I hide it.

It can be a relief to find somewhere that you can be yourself, depression, low self esteem and all - but I am realising myself that I can do that here. I hope you can too ......Poppet

I see you like the smilies too !

hi guys.. well, thanks for replying at all in the first place, guess there are some readers among us ...that was more like an review of it all though Yes, it is only now when i feel much better (than for example a year ago) that i've seriously started considering therapy. I think in those bad times i didn't really have a realistic image of it. Now i can understand that it's supposed to be someone just helping u to find some answers... Or now i see the point of it... if u understand what i mean...

wants2fly i think i might have to read through your post a few more times before i can fully understand it I'm only an imperfect fin

isolated, I'm actually quite eased with guys, most of my few friends are men, it's just the sex part that i'm scared to death of. Because of having it like i had it really means just something cold and vicious to me ...if anyone has any advice how to get over it and like start fresh or something i would gladly here it... since i don't think a guy that wants to live in total selibacy exists and i don't want to do something that makes me feel as worthless as that does...

Yeah, poppet, i think i can express myself better with the smileys, since my skills with the language are limited

OY!!!!! Where did my smileys disappear???!!!!

Oh well..

I don't even know if understand what I write myself!

UM smilies disappear once you edit a post. It's a glitch DocJohn hasn't been able to fix yet, with the newest server...

But I thought I posted to this thread and I can't find THAT! LOL maybe I fell asleep instead. sigh. I did read.

Well I think you're already half way home, so to speak, if you're feeling better and still seeking help. For me, the problem has always been that when I am feeling down I don't feel there's any way for anyone to help, and when I feel better, I don't think I need it. (I'm sure I'm not unique in that and it has changed recently for me also mind you.) Anyway, just knowing that the help is there and that you are seeking it out is an important step toward making life less of an ordeal and more of a joy. I wish you all the best.