[multipixie9]

Trigger Alert**** (mild references to certain abuse. just don't want to hurt anyone. please keep yourself safe)

Homelife getting to me. I've been slowing down and doing a very poor job of cleaning and cooking, I'm not a hell of a lot of fun either. Some of it has been my littles expressing their disapproval of his rejection of them. It's pretty damn insulting to be told you don't exist - especially when your existence saved your host/original self. Some of it has been about cult programming/mind games and traps they set up to screw with us and hopefully drive us to suicide to keep their secrets.

After not asking me even one question on how things are in about a year at least, Phil got mad because he had to cook his own supper after a 16 hour workaholic day. Long and short of it, I tried to tell him that I was having trouble cooking for his new diet. He said that was no big deal that I was just not doing what I needed to do and what was going on in counseling. I tried to explain that we are finally really getting into places I'd fought off getting to because it was so horrible and shameful what they made us do. He listened to me, thought it over for about 10 minutes and then got up and said, "I'm going to bed, good night".

I can't support myself, so divorce is out. SI or SU is out. So, somehow I have to learn to take power away from his words and attitudes. He will probably never accept me and how I survived. I want so much to "emotionally divorce" the stupid prick. We are so incredibly angry with him for his cold-hearted judgments against us.

Any suggestions on how I can find my way - to separate my heart from his influence and how I can begin to make my own life? I am sick of this painful dance he and I have done for so many years. He never struck me with his fists, but he's put so many bruises on my heart and the hearts of all my alts. Thanks!

[multipixie9]

he meen to us. lik we ugly, trash, inbisbl. nobude knos how lost we feels an we got no excap fum him. olders tri not say bad abowt pil. thay not honest. he is a stupid, rat basterd an i hate his guts mor dan i hate hitler.

is NOT my falt we lik we ar. we dint do it on perpus an she wudda nebr marred him if we had been abl to get owt. lesle thot she was a only wen she wuz marreed to him. she not kno.

silence an bein ignord is werser dan bein hit. it dont show an it keep hurtin so much longr dan a slap or a hit.

we not bad. we not bad. we not stupid, or meen or evil. we is brokn an we dint ast for dat to happen.

we gotta find a way to serviv da pain agin. is so hard so sad hate mi lif.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((Multipixie)))))))))))))))))) I'm so very very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I wish I had a magic answer for you.

While DID saved us as children, it adversely affects so much of our adulthoods. I'm so sorry husband is not supportive.

Do you think you could go stay with daughter for a bit? Maybe a small vacation? I don't know if that's even feasible right now.

I'm not much help tonight, but please know I care. I will try to think more on this and respond again at a later time.

Please take gentle care.

[Eriksplus]

Multi Pixie
We're not in a good place ourselves right now; we're pretty much going through that whole "You don't exsist" thing too.
We just want you to know we care very much, love you, and KNOW this will get better.
(Webber)Christine

[Hunny]

Multipixie ,

We agree with Wantoheal:


"While DID saved us as children, it adversely affects so much of our adulthoods."


That lack of support from him does not need to define you, Muliti. Your support is from elsewhere and here .

But I just wonder, too, about a bit of a break for the two of you as well.

Do you think you could go stay with daughter for a bit? ...".

Hunny

[multipixie9]

I'm sorry so many of us are in pain and difficulty tonight - can't even blame it on the full moon.

I have been planning to go see my Dad in San Antonio. He lives in the home I grew up in and is my last living family member and is not abusive - just has his own issues. So it is a good/ummm not always good deal. I may try to extend my visit, he is fine with me being there as he is lonely. But, his home is filthy and cramped so... All the negatives aside, I do now know my Dad loves me and He accepts that I was abused. He worked and drank a lot when I was going through the worst of it and was truly cluelesss.

I am going to try and get the spare room cleaned up and maybe move into it and just quit trying to make it up to him. I'm pretty fed up with his neglect and indifference.

One daughter is living with her husband's relatives and the other just got married. Somehow I don't think going to them for refuge will help. If I need to there is a place not too far from here where a couple keep a room above their garage to let people stay in for a break.

You are both right about DID. It is a true lifesaver in childhood, but it is totally effing up my life as an adult. The more responsibilities and challenges I have the more my DID seems to be a detriment to me. (ps my littles, i am not complaining about you. i mean that switching gets me in trouble and so does losing time and memories. i love you guys!)

Thank you all for your support. Take good care of yourselves. I do feel the support from you all and it means a lot. I feel I need to find a way to lean on God more, since I know He really will not abandon me. Sometimes I just wish I could see Him in person and get a hug.

Sending Hugs to All of You!

I am going to try and get the spare room cleaned up and maybe move into it and just quit trying to make it up to him. I'm pretty fed up with his neglect and indifference.

Good move. No, EXCELLENT move.

Phil is never going to accept it if he hasn't by now. I know you know that, and I also know it makes you sad. But you need to put that energy you expel on him into your own healing.

They're HIS pigheaded issue, sweeties.

Even though I know it hurts you deeply, his hangups/stubborness/whatever you call it are getting in the way of him opening up his heart.

Have you thought about why he won't listen to you? Maybe his ego is bruised because, as "the manly husband" he can't fix you? There is a reason he won't listen. Maybe if you can figure that out, it will help you tolerate him as you prepare to hang out as roomies.

[Jewels]

just to let u know we r prayin for alla u...take care of u first an foremost an let everybody know they r doin a good job of keepin u safe...an we agree with the others that bein DID as an adults sucks big time...but we know u an know ur strength in the Lord...keep that before u...

[Miracle1986]

(((multiplepixie)))
No words at the moment. Very switchy.
Just please know that we love and care about all of you very much.

[Hunny]

Shoot, I think I forgot the hugs:



Hunny

(((Pixies)))

You will never change that man. He refuses to see you as you are. You deserve so much more than that.
If going to your father's will help...go for it. Anything you can do to protect yourself from more hurt is a good thing.
DID really doesn't do any of us any favors as adults, does it?
I'm thinking of you.

(((((((((((((((((Multipixie)))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted to add some more

[multipixie9]

OrangeBlossom,

We speculate that Phil will not accept our DID because he is not willing to believe there are freaks out there who use children in sickening rituals. He would have a crisis of faith because the "God" he worships would not let such evil happen. So he'd rather think of me as a liar than deal with the reality of his wife being this messed up. Plus he is addicted to work - career and church related. He is the arch-achiever. No one can do as much and last as long as Phil. He opens the church up and closes it down and since I finally stopped going there, because they find me a little too messed up, he has been feeling the pinch of not having his family support his show. Sucks being him, hunh? Sucks being me. My faith is what has kept me alive in spite of everything and I will not play at church ever again. I need to get off my rear and find a new place to worship. Then I can completely piss him off.(though I would not ever go to church for such an ugly reason) I think he thinks I will come back some day when I get over myself. When I performed for the church they liked me really well, but when I could not gut it up and perform anymore they stopped speaking to me at all (except for a couple of genuine folks).

I have not been loved by him in over 20 years, I hurt over that and I can't change it. If I could work, I would separate from him, but I can't and I am not going to make myself feel bad about it. We married for better or worse and it sucks that the worse is bigger than the better, but that is life. I didn't plan this. If I could trade places with him I still would not do it, because I'd rather be honestly broken than someone who has no compassion for those who hurt. Thank you for your compassion.

Leslie

[Miri]

I am so sorry for the climate in which you feel forced to live. I understand the bruises left by unkind words, went throught, too, and it was worse than hitting ever would have been. I think making the spare room into a refuge is a very good idea that will send a message that says, "I am not your whipping boy." I hope you do it, sending you my strength so you can do it. I think you will feel stronger for making that step towards independence. I will be thinking of you often, with loving thoughts. Miri

[multipixie9]

THANK YOU ALL for your support. It makes a difference to us. I know all of us are hurting in some way today, because we all hurt most days.

Today is slightly better, but my heart feels very sad and alone. It is really hard to face being completely alone when I live with someone else. 29 years of marriage and I can't say I'm proud of what we are together - our two daughters are our best and only legacy.

Hang in there folks, we will support each other.

Pixies

(((Pixies)))

May trigger.*****
Sometimes my husband is very good with the DID other times he is clueless to the point of being cruel. One thing I cannot rationalize is the fact that he has never raised a hand to me. I told him a long time ago, I couldn't grasp why he didn't hit me. He was shocked that I said that cause that's the last thing he would do.
I told him at least we know what to expect if we are being hit. It hurts and then it stops. Words, on the other hand never cease to hurt. You never know what to expect from words or when they will end. They come out of no where.
I understand how your hurt feels and I wish there was something I could do to help.

[Hunny]

Multipixie,

My vote is that you visit your Dad as planned (maybe not right away). Fix up that spare room so that it is your special hide-a-way and safe place, maybe with an internet connection and, until both those things can be accomplished, have a little respite at the place that has been offered to you, in the neighbourhood. Or, go there now and again, to feel more free.

Now, is time for Leslie. The children are married and doing their thing. I'm sure the girls support you building up Mom/Leslie. I am excited for you Multi and all that will be here for you! Sorry, but I'm thinking about all the lovely comforting things you could have in your room and what colours etc (sorry for thinking so shallowly).

Perhaps, without expectation, Phil will make an effort but I would, just, in the meantime, try to live as best you can, which you seem to be doing.


Hunny

Keep talking my pixie friends. We will all stand by you and do whatever we can to support you. You mean so much to everyone here and we all want to help you find happiness.

[Luce]

Oh Pixie, I hope you have the courage to get out of there one day, hun. When it comes down to it there is little we human beings need in life: a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clothes on our back, and freedom from abuse - emotional or otherwise.

Pixie peeps, that room over your friend's place sure sounds good to me...

[multipixie9]

The refuge I mentioned folks is with strangers - someone I trust mentioned it to me. Right now I would still find it hard to stay some place with or close to people I don't know.

The only thing that hurts worse - to me - than cruel words is being pushed into the "deep freeze". Cold silence can leave a mark that doesn't show and feels emotionally dead.

Thank you all for your good thoughts, kind words. I think I am going to take the time to start thinking for myself. I've tried so hard to make our marriage work, but I am so tired and His heart left me a long time ago. My spiritual beliefs values faithfulness highly and that makes it so hard for me to face the failure that is our marriage. But, if it is a wreck I need to call it what it is.

I was the only girl child, the last born and I have felt alone my whole life. I got pretty adjusted to it and I know my issuse made it hard for me to bond in a marriage. But all the mess is not of my making, I am not powerful enough to ruin it all by myself. I have struggled on because it was my choice to marry and my duty to give it my best. My best is limited, but I gave it.

I'm gonna stop talking before I bury myself. I am so sad and tired.

Thank You ALL, I do appreciate you very much.

Pixies

[DLHsSystm]

I have been planning to go see my Dad in San Antonio. He lives in the home I grew up in and is my last living family member and is not abusive - just has his own issues. So it is a good/ummm not always good deal. I may try to extend my visit, he is fine with me being there as he is lonely. But, his home is filthy and cramped so... All the negatives aside, I do now know my Dad loves me and He accepts that I was abused. He worked and drank a lot when I was going through the worst of it and was truly cluelesss.

I am going to try and get the spare room cleaned up and maybe move into it and just quit trying to make it up to him. I'm pretty fed up with his neglect and indifference.

This sounds like it might be a good idea....worth a try. I think it is most likely true that he feels "less than" because he can't "fix" you. Guys just seem to think they have to fix stuff (including their wives problems). Your Higher Power will know what you should do, I hope you can ask him/her/it.

hugs,
Debbie et al.

[wanttoheal]

Such a hard situation. ((((((((((((Multipixies))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are having to figure out what to do here. It's such a fine balance, between trying to get peace, and trying to ensure that you have a place to live in the long term.

I want so much for your husband to open his eyes and really see, but I don't know that he has the capability or that he will have the capability in the near future.

I am in a situation that is different but hard. How do we know what is the best decision in the long term? I really struggle with seeing past this moment. I have never been able to see a future and so my decision making skills are hampered by that.

Sometimes I think if I make this decision then things would be so much better, but I don't know how to get there and I don't really know if it will be a good decision in the long run. I also struggle with seeing 50 gazillion sides of things and that makes it even harder.

I don't know if you struggle with that sort of thing too, but if you do, I understand.

I wish so much for peace for you multipixies. We are here for you as much as we can be. Please take gentle care throughout all of this.

[turquoisesea]

Every time I think about you and your situation, I wish so desperately that he would just UNDERSTAND, magically care, magically be the husband he should be. I know this won't happen, and I'm glad that you're not still trying to find that, because that way you can look for love and approval from other places. I know it hurts to have the one in the position to love you the most not be the one to do it. But there is alot of love around you here, there can be love in other places too.

I think going to your Dad's is a great idea. Maybe you could help clean the place a little bit, maybe you could create a "clean corner" for yourself to exist in.

How soon could the trip happen?

hugs to all the pixies

(((Pixies))) I can really feel your sadness. I wish I could help.

[multipixie9]

Dear Wanttoheal,

You nailed a few things on the head. I do see about "a gazillion sides to things" and it slows me down or stops me completely. It is the adult curse of DID because we have important decisions to make and here we are putzing around with a committtee in our head who can't agree on even simple things some days.

Also like you mentioned I too have a super-struggle making decisions. I am still trying to get back to being able to believe I have a future. I have never been able to make a goal and show myself how to do it and then do it. I used to write term papers the night before because it was less difficult than figuring out a plan to do the paper step by step in increments. The funny thing was I always got pretty good grades. Wish I was a winner these days. Thanks for your empathy and compassion!!!

Dear TurquoiseSea,

Thank you too for being so kind. I am just gonna have to accept that my spouse will not change and let that hope die. If he hasn't done it by now, after 29 years of marriage he never will. Vain hopes are more painful than accepting a loss and moving on. The support you and other's have given does help so much.

Dear Calista + 12, Thank you for gentle words of sympathy and understanding. They do help. Last night just got extra tuff for a while as someone deleted part of a post of mine and I very much disagree with their "reasons". I guess if this place was all perfecct there would be no room for me and my messies. OY VEY!!!