Could someone try and shed some light?

I have become more and more confused over the last month about my past. I have always been aware of my blackouts. I have always known when I came to that I blacked out for a few hours. Now I'm just completely lost...

A few weeks ago I was reading a post which caused me to start thinking about my past in school... The thing is, I can remember from right before my 4th birthday until now, I remember a LOT about every grade I was in, including friends names and teachers names... I remember exactly what the schools looked like and the classrooms even. I remember a lot about school and day care. But there is one part that I can not remember to save my life. I have been trying to get a peek into that time period but it's as if it was completely erased from my memory.

I can not for the life of me remember anything about the first grade. Not the teacher or anything. The only thing that I know is what my mom kept, things I made and my report cards. On my report cards my grades were all fine, but I had notes from the teacher on all of them saying I talked too much to myself.?????? I don't understand....

My first thought would be the "alters" since I did have DID at that time. But for an entire year? Even if it was for an entire year how could I not register the fact that an entire year vanished on me?

Than yesterday I was talking to an old t. I always thought I saw my old t for 8 months without missing an appointment besides the one when I was in the hospital. When I was talking to the old t yesterday he said I only went for 10 weeks back to back, than vanished for FOUR months, went to the hospital and than went back to him. How could I miss four months? Even the day I went to the hospital I told my mom "I can't wait for my appointment tonight I have to go to the hospital now!" she looked at me strange but I didn't think anything about it...

How is it that I can miss 4 months out of my life and not even know that they are missing? I have no idea what is going on, how I can miss such large chunks of my life...

Does ANYONE have any idea what may be going on? Can anyone help she some light on this very strange situation? It's starting to concern me. I don't want to miss an entire year of watching my daughter grow up.

I keep wondering if my memory is THAT bad where I can't remember large chunks, but could it be that bad when I remember so many details about everything else, all of the other time periods besides these two major details and some summers with my dad?

I'm so confused!

Any help or kind words would be greatly appreciated!

My only thoughs would be they something back might have happened to you in that time (possibly abuse of some kind). Did you ask your doctor why and what happened during those senstion because he should no. Same if you mom took you to the hospital she should know why. I think something bag happened. I hate to say that but I am being honest. You should be able to find out the answers though

much love to you kris

((((((((pooty)))))))) I've only just recently realized that I am missing large chunks, I've known for years that some of my summers with my dad are missing, but never about these until recently which confused me. I plan to bring these up with my new T. I know why I went to the hospital, I asked to go to the hospital because when I woke up that morning I found out two horrible things and went nuts. But I don't know apparently what happened the four months leading up to the hospital. It's so stange. I might bring these times up with my mom and try to find out what happened in 1st grade and for those 4 months but she might not even know!

Thanks for your reply (((((((((((pooty))))))))))))))

i would try to bring it up to your t. i think it would be good.

Kris, I agree with 82. Something terrible must have happened during those times, and Becky and the others with you have put the memories into their own minds so you don't have to recall the horriffic events that happened. In time, when they feel it is safe for you to remember, you will. Be patient with them and wait untill then. Best of luck.
E.M.

We are here to support you. I will never leave!

Well, what I know about memory is that it is *normal* to not remember chunks of childhood, particularly before the age of 10. So, your inability to recall stuff from that year does not necessarily mean that you were dissociated for the entire year... it may equally mean that there was nothing significant to recall, or you have no external triggers in your life now that remind you of things from that peiod of time.
If you ask others around you (workmates, family, friends) you may find that it is quite typical for people to not recall major chunks of childhood, especially up to the age of 9-10.

its ok kris. with DID its actually very common for people with DID tolose track of time even for long spaces of time. I once lost two whole years. how and why does it happen well how and why in your situation may be different but how and why it happened with me was an alter came out and lived my life for me during that two years because I was so upset about something bad that had happened to me I couldnt stay around to take care of things. my alter had to do it for me. after that alter and I became one working team together I could know all the memories that she had so I now remember those two years that was lost to me for a long time and i now remember the bad situation that made me switch into that alter and stay that way for two years straight. all these things that you dont remember now will eventually come back to you. When I cant say it all depends on you and your ststem and when you all feel you are ready to know and share that information together. Right now they are just keeping the memories of that year away from you so that you can keep on going living your life without having to deal with those memories and the emotions they caused you to begin with.

I was hoping you were right Luce but I still wasn't sure. I wrote my mom an email asking her if she remembered me being strange or anything during those times and she said all she could remember from the first grade was that I made "perfect" grades and had "perfect attendence" and I got in trouble all of the time for talking to myself too much I have NEVER done either of those. She also reminded me that I had all of my old pictures and paperwork here (she left it before she went to Korea) I thought I would go through them while talking to Erik on the phone and hope to find a clue... What I found was a bit scary...

First, according to what I found I did not get DID when I was 4 but when I was 6, or close to 6. About when I got the DID, I remembered the very first blackout when I was with my dad, a horrid thing he had done. That was the same summer my Grandfather died, my dad was so crushed about his death that he went down hill even faster than before and caused my first black out. When I returned home from the summer with my dad, my mom introduced us to her boyfriend, the one who was extremely abusive.

This ENTIRE time I thought that I was 4 when all of this happened and I was wrong. All of this happened in 1993, when I was 6 and going into the first grade. The first grade which I can not remember. I have the funeral paper from my Grandfather from 2003 and a pic of my mom and her boyfriend from 2003 their first date. They are standing in front of an ice sculpture that says "1993". I have these things put to the side for my T when I see her Tuesday...

The first grade wasn't the first thing I found. While I was going through the pictures I found a small drawing from November 6th 2003. It was a drawing with the writing and drawings of a little child. Some of the letters are a little mixed as well and these are basically stick figures. In the drawing there are 5 people and two cats. Above the people it says "Momma" a ? above the man, "David" "Josh" and "Me" than above the cats "Raven" and "Apollo" David and Josh are my older brothers. In the drawing I was the little girl.

This picture confused me. Why would I in 2003 being 16 years old have drawn that picture? I kept looking though and found the funeral paper from my friend who died that year. At first I was sad thinking "Oh I miss him" and I was reading the paper to the Eriks and FLIPPED out when I got to the date. According to his funeral paper he died on August 21st 2003. His funeral was August 28th 2003. The thing that scared me was that he was one of the reasons I asked to go to the hospital. The day I asked to go to the hospital was the day of his funeral (and also the day I found out he died in the first place)I remember after getting home from the funeral, it was early because I was let out of school for it. I went home and to get my mind off of what was upsetting me I looked online to try and find my dad in the arrest inquiries.

When I didn't see any new arrests for him I decided to start looking for all of my old friends. The day of Chris (the one who died) the day of his funeral I also found out that a friend of mine went to jail for first degree murder and armed kidnapping. He killed another one of my friends. I felt like I was going to lose my mind so I went down the street to my loser boyfriends house but he wasn't home. His roommates were there and told me that they had to tell me something, than proceeded to tell me that he cheated on me.

After I found that out I ran home and told my mom I needed to go to the hospital and could not wait for my t appointment, than went and packed my bags. The odd thing is all of these things happened in August, yet I wasn't at the hospital until of course 4 months later in December. I didn't go to the hospital until December and that drawing was made in November. So that drawing was made during a blackout I never even knew I had. It's understandable I didn't see the time gap at the moment given everything that I was going through, but for it to take 6 years for me to realize it?

These things are really starting to concern me. How can ALL of this be coincidence? So much proof here that SOMETHING was off, but can an alter really kick me out of my body for that long? Can they erase me from existance for that much time?

I'm even more confused now than I have been in a VERY long time! I'm not sure what happened and don't really care too much but I'd like to know if it was them at the time. I don't need to know the details right now, I just need to know who and why.

This is so confusing and the confusion is making it scary! I don't know what to do right now, I'm so lost!

Kris

That's a lot of stuff to take in to be sure, but what I want to address is the idea that alters 'kick you out of your body'.
In dissociative identity disorder, there is only one person... there is no other being there who can kick 'you' out of your body and take it over. The cause of the identity confusion, amnesia and black outs is a lack of association of the personality. It is caused by sufficient trauma and / or emotional neglect in early childhood which prevents the normal developmental integration of the personality from happening. In other words... there are no other beings from outside that have come in and taken you over... the identity states present in DID are all normal aspects of one person... they just never had the opportunity to learn how to integrate into one identity state or work as a team, so to speak.
I want to say though that I completely understand how alters feel like they are foreign and not of the self, especially in the early stages of therapy. But I still want to stress to you that alter states in people with DID are NOT from anything that originates outside the self.

The more you stress about remembering, the more likely it is that events will evade you. So try and just breathe. Some people are very good at remembering. It could be that other parts of you are holding those memories and they will hold on to them until it is safe.

So please try and relax.

Also I wonder if you have ever been treated with ECT. That can remove memories. Otherwise your mind is just trying to protect you right now. So try and be kind to yourself and just let things happen in their own time.

Luce: I really appreciate the fact that you took time out of your day to read and respond to my post. In all honesty I disagree with you mostly but I still appreciate the fact that you care to read my post.

My view on alters is somewhat different than most and that is ok with me, I have grown tired of debating with everyone about this. I will admit that whomever my alters are, I know they are there because of me and that they are people who I needed when all of the horrible things happened to me. Now whether they are split off personalities, imaginary friends or people given to me because I needed them... They are here because at one point I did need them and I know I still do.

Possum: Thank you as well for responding to my post. It had me very worried last night and still today shaken up, I'm going to call me new t in a little bit and run this by her and just make sure that it's normal to be missing such a large gap of time. I have never been treated with ECT (if you mean electroconvulsive therapy) so that would rule that out. I've never had any sever injuries either, not to the head that is. I never had a cuncussion until about 1 1/2 years ago as well. The only thing that I am aware of happening before 6 that was injury related is when I had my finger cut off in a bike chain.

In a little bit I will be taking pictures (since I don't have a scanner) of all of the things I found last night and I will be posting them here so you can get a better idea, mainly of the drawing.

Thanksa again for your replies, it's nice to know that people are out there who listen and care! I hope you all are well and I hope that this does not drive away what little sanity I had left!

I am here for you Kris

((((kris)))) It's quite normal for someone who has DID to lose large chunks of time. Rest assured, some part of you was doing life as usual for "you" during those times.

Someone who has a childhood where perfection is required, or where rules are always changing ...the child will strive to be perfect to avoid punishment and to garner approval (which often never comes) from the parent or teacher.

That you are now recalling that you are missing those chunks of time means that you are healing, that your psyche knows it is safe now to begin to remember.

Please remember that all that is in the past and can't hurt or harm you now. Things may feel real all of a sudden, and that's when you need to use your grounding skills to stay in the here and now, and realize you are safe.

Thank you sky! Problem is, I don't want to heal or remember in all honesty.

I've already tried to face a past blackout and it caused another blackout and that one was terrible. I KNOW I'm not ready to face my past at all, I just want to know when I wasn't me and who was out.

This is scaring me right now because I don't want to lose that kind of time again, not with my daughter growing up, I can't miss that much of her life!

Thanks for your post it was very kind and GREATLY appreciated! I hope you are well!

The t did not call me back yesterday so as of right now I am alone with all of my worries. Maybe she will call today but I doubt it!

Now I'm waiting for my medical records which were supposed to be here Monday. They all are from right before and right after this 4 month black out. Hopefully the records will help me in somewhat figuring out what happened who or why...

They appear to be showing themselves more lately... Maybe it's because finally, after 7 years of being diagnosed with DID I am learning to accept it... Maybe I'm forcing them out with my research and everything, I don't know but they are showing themselves slowly now...