[kerria]

Please someone think of how to put parts together . Were so torn, everything hurts. First T talked to one of my littles, tricking her to come out. Then i found out what she wanted. Then T was warning her not to be in public - 'we need to work at adult' things that are comforting to all. It hurt so so much. We don't even do those things- like play in the yard, etc, because we're one part at a time. My littles don't come out that much - she just said what she'd like. It hurt so much when T said to her, 'Why not?" , Because people will think you're crazy". i came then and said "we are crazy."

then T brought up things about my past on purpose
It won't ever help to talk about it because parts are on all different sides about it. Everything T said angers most parts so much. It splits us into pieces. We're torn into pieces and there's nothing that can help.

Why don't i have the nice supportive T that mostly everyone else has? We're trying to get better but are so torn that i don't want to go back . We need comfort, everything hurts so much.

Is your T like this?

kerria

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((( kerria ))))))))))))))))) t can be so hard. are you keeping a journal (that others can use too) and let t know these things. it's so hard to leave t and feel that way. you might need a bit of time without "pushing"?

please be safe. we understand completely.

kd

[RhysMadison]

I'd suggest getting a different T. If you are not clicking w/ her, then she's not the right one for you. It took me years to find a T that fit who I am (who we are). Never settle for anything less than what you deserve. You're paying good money, your time... You need to get as much outta of it as you can not her saying those nasty things. That was unprofessional at best. Some T's do do the tough love, I don't go for it. I need a T who will tell me like it is BUT w/ compassion not banging me over the head. I hope things work out better. Don't keep anybody inside for fear from what your T said. They need to be out so they can be themselves. They are not caged animals.
Love,
RhysMadison

[cat_eye]

I know what it's like to have a bad T. I once had a psychologist (male) that hit on me, and always went against my mom. I'm sorry you have to go through that though! You should get a new T - it took me a few tries to get a T that I connected with, but I finally found one. I hope things work out better for you.

[kerria]

Thank you kimmydawn, ozzie, RhysMadison and Cat_eye so much for responding.

It's too hard for me to journal. i'm afraid that i can't get better because it's too scary to see parts writing and i don't agree with what they write. It makes everything so confusing. i always have to live one part at a time. Some parts don't think there is anyone else.

i've been going to T since dx five years ago. We tried some other T's in-between. It never worked out because they didn't understand or weren't able to be there when i needed someone in crisis. i almost never call but just having a T that is willing to be there is so important. Actually my T isn't very available either - whenever i called i was usually sorry because he wasn't comforting enough to be helpful. i guess it's just hard to find a T that can help
It's really hard to find a T that will take on new clients with DID.

Therapy is so difficult for me. T never said anything before about some parts not being out. It hurts, theyre not caged animals. i don't know what to do. The littles are the ones that like T the most, too. It was so different than he's always been.

For all the time i've been in t i have never been able to verbalize very much of the p.a. and s.a. It's too hard for us and i don't think that i can get better. It would be easier if T was more caring and supportive, especially since we don't have a lot of other support for going to t.
He's too busy but we've gone too far a ways to change- i never could find anyone else that would take me that understood my parts.

How do you all do therapy? It's so hard to trust someone that much, especially someone that says hurtful things. i feel like i have no recourse when things like this happen. i can't self-soothe. There is no one to go to after therapy and we're always in a dangerous place . It seems like no one cares then. Then a week goes by and we do it all again, come out a wreck. T knows it and doesn't give any ideas to cope.

Thanks again for your posts. i know that it's hard for everyone.
kerria

[kerria]

And now - when i go for support- i have to hear the negative voices inside.

There's built-in parts that despise me that hurt me so much and no one here knows how to answer because there isn't any answer. i hate my life so much.

Kerria,

How do we do therapy? Golly that is a big ol' question. Let me attempt to put that to words with a couple of other things today.

I feel badly that therapy is so hard right now and this T doesn't appear to be comforting like he used to be. That would confuse and scare me!!

I appreciate your posting especially when you write about how difficult this is. You're not totally alone. We're as here as we can be across the cyber divide.

[RhysMadison]

I've only been going to therapy every other week now. I want weekly but insurance only pays so much & it's a 35 min. drive one way so my husband, who takes me, doesn't have much time to relax the days I go. We only talk 'bout the present. I always seem to have something that comes up. I want to start dealing w/ the past & she's willing, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I skirt around the subject. I want to know yet I don't. She's good w/ me. I've learned a lot. She doesn't push me. She says I'm doing better; I hate hearing that though. I haven't been talking 'bout the deeper issues in my mind so she can't see them. If you have a support group close by, I'd encourage trying one out. We don't have anything near us. I wish we did as I know having a IRL friend would help me.
Love,
RhysMadison

[kerria]

Everything is impossible to live now. Thank you __zh and RhysMadison. i'm sorry that its so hard for you too.
Thank you for not ignoring me- it feels so terrible to post my dilemmas only to find that no one cares. Thank you for caring. we're having a really difficult time and i don't feel able to cope at all..

The T that i go to was never supportive at any time- i always leave in some degree of crisis and he always ends the session exactly on time, no matter how i am. Last week i couldn't make it out of the building without losing it in the ladies room. It's a hospital and someone came because my crying was making too much noise to 'see if i wanted to 'talk to someone' - to get me committed really. No. i don't have anyone to be if i don't have work to go to and the other part's places to go. There is no 'hospital part 'so i fall apart there.

There isn't any support any where anytime. (((((RhysMadison))))) i know how it is. My family thinks that parts are demons and i have to hide going to T. i wasn't able to afford T or hold a job so i created a part that could work because i couldn't. i don't have any idea what she does- we go through a door and come out again and i don't remember what happened. Sometimes i don't know if i'm going to work or coming home - i have to look at my clothes to see if they're dirty. It pays for therapy. That's how much i want to get better. It's an uphill battle and it feels like everyone inside and outside is kicking me down. i don't want to make it through another day like this. It's too painful.

i don't know how anyone does it, how does anyone get better? i wish that we had the kind of DID with parts like a club inside and a caring supportive T and all kinds of support where people are just happy to help.

Why is it always like that? i'm so afraid of facing another day like this. It's so so confusing to try to live like this. It hurts so much to always be in crisis.

i just wish i had normal problems that someone could help me with. i'm so tired of going on like this. It feels like no one in the world understands. Inside is hurting so much . i don't know what to do. i'm afraid of my parts. i don't know what they do or think. i keep getting worse and worse.
kerria

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((( kerria ))))))))))))) (if ok)

I'm really sorry to hear all this that's going on. I wish I could give you some advice but I can't . It must hurt so much that your family think your parts are demons and it must make it harder for you that you have to hide going to therapy. I wish your t was more supportive. I don't know if you want a new t or not but I found a website where you can search to find a t in your state (I'm assuming you're in America): http://www.issd.org/disclaimer.htm - you have to read the text given on the page and then click 'I accept' before it loads up the search page.

[kerria]

(((((silver_queen)))))
Last year i called every T in my area that was on the ISSD list that they sent me and only one could see me. i saw him for four weeks straight, then my littles had to say good-bye to T1 and we mentioned it to T2. One day i came home from work and there was a letter from him saying that he'd never see me again or have anything to do with me. He sent copies to T1 and my Dr. i cried for days- i didn't know that could happen, he could have told me in person, we were devastated. i was so upset that i sent the letter BACK to him with my thoughts - telling me how much he hurt me. i know that he just used the opportunity to fire me as a patient because i'm too messed up. It felt so bad to be abandoned by that T.

Everything is so so complicated because of having parts all split up on every issue and everything.
This is what having this disorder is for me. My life is a terrible mess and no one can help me. It's so frustrating for me and everyone else that tries.
Therapy is a nightmare but we're too messed up to not go. It's there that i find out what i'm doing- what parts are doing. Does anyone else have this experience?
i just need to know. Did anyone else get better after being this bad?
kerria

[RhysMadison]

Kerria, I so wish I could do more to help you. I really feel for what you are going thru. & people do care here.
Getting better takes time. That's such an understatement, isn't it. What your T did to you was unprofessional. I'd sue his bootay off big time for breaking confidentiality. Think of it this way, you don't need them. They only seem to damage you more.
I have gotten better before. In '91/'92, I was near complete integration. Then in '93 I was r*p*d. I don't have any plan on getting "that close" again. For fear I will be traumatized. But people do get better. I'm at a point where I don't want to lose my people. I tried 2 years ago w/ intense therapy & most had integrated & gone (definitely not by my wishes as I didn't want a repeat of the '91 deal). But I had "called" them back if you will. I hated being alone in this mind. I'm not even the original personality. Now that is so difficult to explain to those that don't have DID. I have a hard time not popping people in the nose for calling me by "her" name. They just don't understand.
Please feel free to PM me anytime. I'm here for you as well as others are for you. We'll help as much as we can. Just keep talking.
Love,
RhysMadison

[kerria]

(((((((((((((((((RhysMadison)))))))))))safe hugs

i'm so so sorry about the trauma you had to go through when you were mostly integrated. It must have been a horrific time- so impossibly hard to go through with parts so close - so hard to find a safe place inside.
It sounds so scary to integrate- even the word does but i know that it's the goal of most therapy. We wish we could say that we don't need T. There isn't communication so there is dependence upon T to help us know what parts think It's so hard to depend upon someone who makes us worse.
T understands us but i know that i can't trust him in a crisis.

RhysMadison, i can't tell you how much i appreciate your sharing about you and your understanding how difficult it is.

We dread it too when people call us by the born name. There's no way to get around it though, i guess. Names hold so much history.
About three years ago T was talking to a part during hypnosis and then called me out at the same time.

i met her and at hearing her name i was able to see her entire history also. Now she (and all of her history) is accepted as part of me. i think we were i. with her. It does feel that there is more safety when we're separated but it also makes everything a confusing mess to live and we have to depend upon T to communicate with parts for us. Now that the a. issues are brought up we have no where to turn in the crisis it brings. It does feel like it damages us more.
i hope that it's possible to get better.

It's so good that there is still the freedom to 'call parts back.' i didn't know that that comforting option was there. Everything is too hard. i wish we had support IRL.

Thank you so much for helping- i don't feel so terribly alone with the mess.

love,
kerria

[wisewoman]

I have a "part" who thinks she is protecting us by making us shut off the showing or feeling of emotions. This part seems cruel but really is just trying to protect me. It is confusing.

[kerria]

((((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))) safe hugs
It's so hard when the inside is so different than the outside.

[misty]

First off if your T is tricking someone to come out then that is not a good T. !!!!!!!! Everyone has the right to come out when they want to come out without trickery.
mlyn