Lost inside

Well I go see T today but for the first time ever - I do not want to go.
I had a dream last night that someone I trusted (it was not anyone I knew in real life - just someone I trusted in the dream world) caught me trying to escape from some big castle. She took me to some place in the castle as was going to break my fingers one by one. I PANICED!!!

I spent the night running from her and trying to hide. It was insane!!!

I woke up crying and missing my alters. I only have Andy left and he is almost totally blended now too. I wanted someone to hug me and comfort me and help me make it through the dream but no one was there!!

I am feeling angry with T because I think I blame him for taking my alters away from me. It is not that I want to be dissociative at all. It is just that no matter what life brought me, they were always there for me!!
I couldn't count on anyone in this life to not harm me. My mom hated me even though she loved me - she hated me because my dad was too close to me. My dad loved me but he used me for his own needs. So that was not love. The people I did love either died or turned out to not love me. And the whole time I at least had ME to turn to when I had no one else in the whole universe.

Now I don't even have that. I have got to get my butt back to work soon - just because I want this to be DONE NOW !!!! But I am afraid of doing that because I will be all alone inside!!! This morning I was trying to call out to my alters and no one was ansering!!! I know they say this is healthier to live this way - but I feel like I have lost all of who I ever was and the only people who really did love me or know me at all when no one else did!

Maybe I am just being silly or stupid or whatever - a wimp. I don't know and I don't even care right now. I hate this world and I hate being in this world without even myself as a friend if that makes any sense at all.

Hi, my friend WePow,

Thank you for reaching out to the outside world. I am here to extend to you my friendship. I know it is not the internal familiar you but I will do my best to say to you that you are safe It is a bit of a scary prospect going it alone but I am convinced that you can do it. Grieving is necessary probably and maybe over and over again till the loss fades a bit. But, you still have the essence of all the alters, I expect. My therapist explained that everyone has little times of sadness, regret, loss, happiness, joy, etc but they show up as feelings rather than parts. Fancy that! Something I worked toward for years! My feelings are pretty heightened right now and i am trying to remember that when something happens, like a nightmare.

No one is going to harm you WePow and your therapist is a friend/therapist not the bad one who wants to take away your digits. Maybe when you tell him the dream you both can do some grief work together, how to manage the losses. I find 'time' is the best healer around loss.

You are doing so great my friend but sorry you had this scary dream. I think going back to work might fill some of your gap too, WePow. It definately is a distraction from the internal and perhaps being in that environment knowing what you know now will be kind of, hmmm fun!

Thinking 'bout you and sending safe hugs,
Hunny

Wepow,
It is hard to trust when things are new.
Even for us it is haerd to trust those around us.
But those that have truely earned our trust outside the few
F ups.
Just remember that we all are human and that we all make mistakes.
The simple fact that you have a T that is will to believe in you.
Is such a god send. You give those that do not have a good T hope that there are some out there.
Now is the time to allow your self a chance to trust those around you.
during our past intergration the people that helped us allowed us to understand us That our alters never truely left us but are still with in the whole.
And the odd part that if the need to be there is there they just may pop out seperatly just to give you the aid you need.
Just be patient with your self the biggest fear of all is that of the unkown. Why do you think singletons are so wary of us. Now for the first time in your memoirs you are so much like the singletons but having the memoirs will allow you to be more compasent to those with DID. Have Faith in your self.

((( WePow )))

Thank you all so much. I just got back from my T. I opened the session by handing him the post I wrote above. Then I sat back with my arms folded trying to hide the fact that I have been crying all morning long. T saw I was hurting then the tears started again.

I explained how it was so hard to want to hear my alters and how not having them just automatically respond felt like I had lost my closest friends. I don't think people who do not have DID really understand what this feals like because it is a real family inside of us in many ways. T did a good job listening and told me it was me mourning the loss of an adictive coping behavior that had served to help me at one time but now was not needed. So I kinda can accept that he sees it from that point of view. But I also know more deeply now that only people who have DID can really comprehend what I am saying when I say I MISS my alters. I know other drugs can be missed and people grieve that loss when they are in recovery... and I will admit there is a part of that whole concept that does fit. But these were real part of me that acted on their own and I did not control them.

He said they are still will me - and I can feal that is true. But I still felt like I had taken my peeps and shoved them off the boat. He said that what I really did was pulled them back into the boat to really be with me.

So I still have some stuff to process with all of this. But at least I do kinda feal better. He has me off work one more week next week - so I can solidfy all of this and get comfortable in my new skin. I will not see T again until next Monday unless I need him Friday. So that is a few days longer that I just need to sit with this emotion and let it be what it is. What a journey this has been.

Hugs to all !!!

WePow:

This is such good news for you! What a lot of work you have been doing. It is nice you have another week to process. I am grateful for your sharing.

For me, I had to stop and accept that I was split. Then as all the parts came into view I had to learn to see them all together and communicate and even accept them. Then as the unfolding of the memories and issues have been addressed there has been a definate sense of loss and unchartered territory and even lately a definate sense of heightened emotional awareness and discoverying what is an acceptable level for me. My therapist, AACOA, PC, the God of my understanding, my current family, my new friends and even work are shaping my acceptance of me in the present. At times it is a scary venture into the unknown and other times it is an exciting prospect. I think all being in the boat is a wonderful concept moving along on this river of life. I may borrow it. I love sailing!

My therapist said the same thing WePow. I will always kind of have them with me but I must say I never thought of all the internal parts as all being in an addictive behaviour before. For me it was far more than addictive, it was life sustaining. Addictive seems somewhat out of proportion to what was going on in our life at the time of being raised up. It seems that if it were pure addiction it would be a simpler thing, phwew. I believe I asked my therapist at one time if I was just being addictive. His kind and compassionate eyes seemed to show me: "No, 'dear child', is it ever okay to call a little one who does not have a choice, as being addicted?. There may be a word however.

WePowe, I'm pretty sure my boat is a sail boat with sails full out and on deck there are lots of art supplies and although the weather is unpredictable, it is a more peaceful and a safer sail than in previous years. It may be while before I can say I am fully integrated as my alters are let's say a little bit more firmly established, lol. But, for you, I am so glad you were able to go through this earlier than later.

There is so much more life for you to live ahead and propects for happiness and peace. Keep posting as you are able.

Cheerio,
Hunny

((((((((( Hunny ))))))))))) Thank you. It is odd because after T said that about the addiction, I emotionally backed away. I understand what he is saying, but like you, I did not see it as an addiction - but as just what was. I never had a choice over dissociating or not. It wasn't like I picked it up due to peer pressure or that I wanted to escape and said "Oh, I will just be Mick today!"

IDK ... Maybe I'm just hyper sensitive because I am hurting deeply inside right now and subconsciously "blame" T for the alters not being with me. Another part of me wants to just hide my true self from T from now on and never again tell / show anyone on earth what I am thinking or feeling. I am not sure where all this is coming from - and oddly, I feel like for the first time since starting therapy I am doing this alone - even though I logically know I am not. If that makes any sense. I am very glad I have you all here on PC because you guys are the only ones who DO get it.

((((( WePow )))))

Noooo, I don't think I picked it up as much as it was forced upon me but I did ask him several years later if he thought I had added any knew parts. He said: "no". I guess it is really for me to decide that but I really respect the healing process and for the ability to recover completely from these severe conditions. Loneliness, is one of my hardest emotions to deal with since the halting of any new alters. Learning to be a good family member and good friend and make real friends has been a challenge that I seems to be gaining ground on. I have sifted through some pretty bad family of origin people and some questionalbe friends in the last few years, much like Anderson talks about. I am not willing to accept just anyone anymore. It is just not worth it and that goes for double minded employers too! That is why I like to come here so much. It is more true to life with people who are not worried about saying they are just average people working toward wholeness and trying to get some joy along the way.

So good to chat with you WePow. You are so real to me.

Hope to keep talking. I will wave to you from my boat (WePow has magic powers to see all Hunny's alters waving from the sailboat)

Hunny

((((((((((( Hunny )))))))))) you are so wonderful. Thank you for making me smile. It is funny because I am feeling my alter actions and thinking just coming out naturually in things that I am doing. They are not taking over and I am not leaving or dissociating... but like today, two helicoptors went overhead very close to the house. Little One always loved to look at planes and would rush outside to look at them. Well - I found myself just being me and rushing outside without thinking and I was waving at the helicoptors as if I were Little One but I was not Little One. It is almost like I am a ball of all of my alters :-) LOL

Wepow and Hunny
You both give us hope and understanding.
To those parts of us that are working together.
We still do things that remind us of others that choose to join and we do stop at times and remember what we did as that part. But with a smile. We call them angel kisses. Those hello's I am still with you. So we hope that you may have more angel kisses to let you know that are not alone just blending with each other.

Well we tried to find an angel..... will a monkey kiss do?????? from all of us within may the monkey kisses let you know that you are not alone no more. May you feel the safety that you both have given us to.

WePow and Anderson,

To rest in this knowledge, ahhhhh.

ROFL, a Monkey and Monkey kisses will be just fine, in lieu of angel's kisses.

Those moments when I know that I know, I am in full knowledge of what I am doing, are pretty astonishing!

Like I know when the minister said that Teddy Bears love Easter too, referring to the little girl who took her Teddy Bear up to the alter to put a tulip on the cross and the internal excitement that caused, as I remembered the key ring with the Teddy Bear stuffie hanging out of my pocket as I placed my flower in the cross. A feeling of togetherness and joy swept over me and I smiled and chuckled and felt excitement of a two year old. It is me.


Hunny

((((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. my own integration/blending/becoming one wasn't a painful journey. For me as each one integrated with me there was an instant calm within my head (no more voice shouting and chattering) and then there was an instant knowledge and awareness that I had access now to every memory/emotion/experience that the integrated alter had previously held separate from me. It kind of reminded me of the scene in the three faces of eve where Eve realizes she can remember everything. It was so amazing to me that I went from not remembering things to being able to share a memory or two then suddenly I had complete memory, could express a fuller range of emotions and could experience for myself those things in the past that were just family stories but I had previously felt no connection to.

I'm am so sorry your integration/blending/becoming one is turning out to be a painful one.

WePow,

It is such a joy to read of your progress and some of the process you are going through. As i have learned ove the years, it is progress, not perfection. This is also the statement I learned from Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics. And one more thing, as an individual with parts, my experience of healing has crossed paths with you many times and yet it has also been my singular journey and your singular journey. In this we are unique, even as Amanda has mentioned his/her process has been unique to him/herself.

I hope you are feeling stonger after your session today and hope you will keep in touch, when you are able.

Sincerely,
Hunny

((((Wepow))))

Thank you for sharing that. I have often been so afraid of coming together. The fact of living alone within is so foreign because for so long it is all we had------one another. Being multiple has been an integral part of who I am. Though we have not blended as of yet, I think it is what we are working on. I know the ones that have stepped back into the place that they are suppose to be, the silence that came was almost deafening and I felt a great loss.

The truth is, you really have not lost anyone of them. Now they are all within you and helping you to be who you are. You never lose anyone, in fact now, you have all of you together working together as one. Knowing that each one of them is that part of yourself that never was allowed to be but now you are. The thought of that scares me yet I know that they are me and I finally have the chance for the first time to be one with them.

The being mad at t would make sense and being afraid to go also makes sense. I sometimes am afraid to go or do not want to go. Facing these things is so hard and so much work. But when you do not want to go is when you need to be there the most. For so long all we knew was what was within and it was those within that got us through each day. No matter how caotic it may have been it was a known. Something we could count on.

They are our life. They got us through everything so we were alive. But it is you that has all that strength within yourself. Your t is so right that now they are closest to you and what they held for so long will never leave you. You have become the totallity of yourself. I know for me the thought of the caos being gone scares me. It has just always been this way. I always thought everyone was like me, here today then here again, or maybe we never left.

Those within gave me life when I otherwise would not have been. They were my world, my family. They supported me when no one else was around. When things got too much they stepped up and they gave me life. Well, they are still giving you life wepow. All of you, the totallity of who you are. I think you are right that someone who does not have DID does not fully get what is taking place or just how everyone is so important. But I know that they do try. they see the struggles we have and they watch the strength that we fight with when we feel we cannot go any longer.

Everyone is more than one in some degree just not totally separate. Many times they also feel their inner self step out and they do things that makes them feel safe or comfortable. They just did not compartmentalize everything in such a distinct way. They did not have to rely on others within to get them to the next day. But we did and do. That was a courageous thing we did by dividing and allowing ourselves to survive what otherwise would not have been survivable.

You have inspired and help me to understand so much. What is taking place now within myself with the others is so terrifying yet, I know that I am doing just what I am suppose to do. And it is because of your willingness to open up and share your journey. Mick, the Little One, and all within you will forever be here with us. They have given you and us much encouragement as we watched them grow and share.

I think you are a ball of your altars, and a ball that has meaning and importance. You are you. And now, you can make decisions through those parts of you that still are helping you within yourself. Each time you look up at those planes you will know that Little One is with you. Each time you are able to get angry, you will know that Mick is right there giving you that strength and courage to allow yourself to be angry and stand up for you.

I do hear you when you said that you feel like for the first time you are actually doing this alone now. This way of life being an addiction is not something I think about. When it is all you have ever known, it cannot be helped but to be an addiction of sorts, not sure that is what I would call it. But it was the way it was. They were my reality and my life savers, and still are at times. If it was not for each one of you, you would not have been able to pull through. Right now for me, those within pull me through each day when I think I cannot go another mile, they are there still walking.

Being able to accept yourself, all of you, and for the first time together stand as one I can only imagine. But, you will always have them right there, right beside you, and your will never be alone again. I am not sure what is happening within myself but I know that where I am is right where I am suppose to be right now. And as painful and alone as that feels, somewhere in it all I am finding a strength I never knew existed. A strength I can draw on. It has been there all along, I just did not know it.

Wepow, thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Know that you are right where you need to be. If you were not ready this would not have taken place. And reach within yourself for they are all right there just closer that is all. We love you my friend. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. To all of you. Always.

dps

((((((( DPS ))))))))))))) I hear you and know you are right. It is all a part of the journey. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

There is a pain worse than death. Trust broken when single trust was the last hope points the way to this pain. It is perhaps better to never trust at all than to hope and see it was all a game of shadows.

((((((Wepow)))))) from all of us

((((Wepow))))

We hear you and we care. Sometimes those the shadows in the game of hope is a risk we take in order to change the past. Everything will work out and we are here to hold you up until you can stand again. You are not alone. And though it feels alone, we are all standing around you with love and hope, encouragement and support. We love you my friend. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

WePow, I am here.

Your PC friends are still here. I have not left you and you are truly loved. We all are real but you just can't see us through this screen but I am here. You are real too. Yes, trust becomes something that is foreign even full of fear and shadows. I honour all your attempts, internal and external to work through all your issues. You are doing amazingly well. Here is hoping you can see me here and the others. I am pulling for you! Perhaps doing something really good for yourself. Can you think of something? I always like nature too. Sometimes after great victories there is a bit of a low but the ground covered cannot be taken from you! Never! Never ever! It is yours to keep now. You are a victor!

Love
Hunny

T saw us today - not a planned thing. But was so thankful to get to see T today. Being blended with all the alters all the time being here with me and not just alters - well honestly it is a bit overwhelming. Mick part of me carried the PTSD - so I now have to learn how to live with PTSD without dissociating. T gave me some things to do for that - guided visualization to my safe place. It was funny because everything the past two days has been so intense - just seeing colors and sounds and smells from all directions. Very odd. I even went into T's office today and thought he put up a couple of new pictures on the wall. He said they have always been there since he moved into that office. I have been seeing him in that office almost 3x a week for over 4 months now and I have never seen those pictures there!!!

It is a very interesting life to walk around with all the different parts of me able to participate in living all at the same exact time!!!

Wepow,
You are an amazing person. Yes pain and fear of being hurt again is hard. But I f we had not the good memoirs of the good times that had come after the pain we bore as children then We would not have survived all that we had. It is from those times that we draw or strength. So please know we are here even when we are feeling our own pain. You give us hope that we to may be free someday from the pain we bear. The pain is like death by a thousand knifes but when overcome it is well worth it. Be strong and know that all of you are someone and wanted by all here.
WE just read your last post stay strong. And yes life does get more interesting the more things that you esperance as a whole. Be stong my friend.

((( wepow )))

I read a book from childhood yesterday, A Wrinkle in Time, it was one of my favorites. I could not get through a single page without welling up with emotion. It was a complicated read for me, and because it had been quite a while since I had read it, many of the information was new as I went along.

I often notice things that aren't new, and wonder how we managed to miss them all this time.

They're new for me. And me is the only perspective I've got. And that's enough as it is.

I think you are right to just be in IT right now. With all it's ups and downs.

Being able to communicate consciously with my other parts is all still new for me, but I already miss them when they are in "hiding", so I can only imagine after a life time that the desire to communicate directly would be a hard "habit to break" as T seemed to put it.

I wish I was in a better place so that I could make better sense of these thoughts for you, but I hope that you do not feel so alone as to think that you are not loved, as you are now, as you were then, as you will be and as you always were. We may have to climb it "alone", but we are not the only ones climbing.

Love.

Today I went through things.... found letters from Mick and drawings from Little One. I know they are still with me.... but there are times when I questiong the sanity of sanity.

((((((( WePow )))))))

It reminds me of a tune but I can't remember it

It says something like the familiar, even if it is not totally healthy for us, is where we want to go back to. Another song comes to mind but can't remember the name of it, is about being on the threshold of a dream. It seems all things are possible for you now WePow one step at a time. I pray for protection for you as you step out into these new ventures and adventures and return to your work.


Hunny