[kerria]

Because i have DID i can't get medical treatment for severe pain that doesn't injure me more than it helps.
i can never feel like i have any friends- pple know my parts- not me.

There is no medicine that i found to help sx of DID.

Therapy is twice my yearly salary and doesn't help at all except to cry to someone for exactly 50 min. twice a week.

Everybody in the world assumes that i'm always lying.

i'm always disappointed in how i look .

i'm always disapponted in what i accomplish- even if it 's good it never feels like me.

i hate all the limitations- i can never pass a math test and no one could ever help me so i can never pass AA degree or go further in college.

i never know what will happen everyday. i hate going to work until i get there- then i can't understand why i was late.
i never am reliable at work- the work part is trained for her job but is so unreliable that the work she does is never appreciated or ever rewarded- no matter how hard she works.
At work they replaced my job by a full-time worker who is able to be there but didn't spend years in school learning the job. She gets more money than me and benefits also.
My body is exposed to pesticides at work and i'm horrified and worried, my health suffers, when i get home i remember but i can't do anything about it.

There's severe constant pain since 2003 and i can't find one dr to treat me without asking and thinking that it's psychosomatic. It isn't. The cause is not apparant because it's from a pesticide spill.
My older kids have a mom that isn't there for them like other moms are because my littles and teens are taking the time to live their lives.

i feel like the worse hypocrite at church.

i can't have a relationship with my H like a married person for years because when he comes home he feels like my F.
i've been in therapy for five years and i'm way worse than i've ever been.- way more unhappy, less able to function, worse self image- what would that even be?

i'm always disappointed that no one understands how hard it is to do anything- pple are critical when i do my best.
There's always confusion about everything - i never know if i did things or not, no matter how many lists or notes i have.
My real needs- to be out of physical pain, desire to have a life never happens.
There's always the fear of flashbacks and nightmares when i least expect them and there's never anyone there to help. Never.
Every hospital stay the staff was always critical and cruel in their actions towards me.

My T doesn't know how to help.

i don't have one friend IRL.

How does anyone manage? i can't play a game and forget. Is anyone like me- or does everyone else have a different kind of DID and they're not affected IRL?
sometimes i wonder why i have so much trouble- i'm trying so hard to do therapy and get help from physical drs. It doesn't work.

tears,
kerria

[wanttoheal]

have you considered going to an herbalist to help with your health? you might find that they are able to help you (and be nicer) than the dr you are going to now. Especially the pestisides thing, your body absorbs everything and it affects everything.

i'm sorry you are struggling, i hope you can get the help and strength you need.

[kerria]

YES i took a transAtlantic flight and went all the way to Holland to visit a renown herbalist because none of the things i was able to find in the US helped.
The drops he gave made me sick and didn't affect my separate personalities AT ALL.
which is the problem of why i always get exposed to pesticides,,,,Today ,there was Ban Rot --a "Danger" catagory fungicide and a fungicide laced in the hormone concentrate that the work part mixed and used today. i can't communicate with the work part - we have no Host person. i can't stop what's happening to the body there. It's so frustrating. i'm so afraid.

i GIVE UP. NO ONE has the same degree of problems in their life and it's too depressing to find so many people that are doing so much better and able to have normal lives.

IT's too depressing to come here anymore. No one can help because no one can identify. i am an alein.

i can't go anywhere,
tears,
kerria

[misty]

Hope you choose to stick around.

[kerria]

Why? It's so painful to be the only one that has to live like this. It's so depressing to see that there's no one here that has any real life problems/dilemmas- like the H becomes F and i can't stop being exposed to pesticides and worse things i can't even write about.

No one can identify with me with the terrible physical pain that's constant and so triggering and can't find any dr that believes me. everything is too hard to live and it makes me feel too hopeless and alone.

((((((((((kerria)))))))))))

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((( Kerria )))))))))))))))))))))

perhaps you could leave that job and get another? especially since it is so detrimental to the health.

[Fuzzybear]

I am sorry that I do not have any answers for you
But that doesn't mean I do not care.
I am very sorry that the "doctors" don't believe you ( ..)
Bearhugs if ok,
Fuzzy

[kerria]

Silver,
THAT'S the trouble- i CAN'T leave my job because i have separate parts.

No one has this problem that i met here- no one understands.

i can't communicate with them. The work part sees no problem.

Why isn't there anyone with DID that understands?

i hate my life.

[kerria]

((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))

((((((((((((Silver)))))))))))

(((((((((((Caroline)))))))))

We're just a lot more separate and i hate living like this.

We're all tied up doing everything we don't want to do and have no help that works and no one IRL that can identify or understand.
After five years of therapy with an expert with trauma disorders we're no better.

kerria

[wanttoheal]

I dont know my parts either kerria. I can't talk about my life, but know that I care. I hope you find the help you need. I am sorry I don't have the words to make it better. (((((((((((((((kerria))))))))))))

[allthegirls6]

kerria,

Are there any good things for you about being DID? I find that I have people inside that I can talk to when things get hard. Like they listen to what I say and how I feel and while they dont always support me I have been known to get the odd hug from a baby!!!!!!!

Im just wondering if there was a way for you to get your parts together?

Maybe even just to give each other a cuddle everynow and then.

You seem annoid about it all?

Why are you so annoid? Its not your parts fault, its what happened to create the parts.

Im probably not making much sense, I wish you nothing but the best. Please be kind to yourself.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((kerria))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Audrey and all the girls

I'm sorry.

You feel I can't understand you or help, and now I feel useless and stupid.

I was trying to be as supportive as I could.

I hope you get some relief.

I won't add to your frustration anymore.

Take care,

Petunia

[shadowdancer]

i am really sorry you are having such a hard time, Kerria. it seems to me that a lot of people here have very difficult problems IRL. you aren't alone in that. i mean, i'm not even as separated from myself as many of you here since i'm not split into different parts...but just with my PTSD, i have an awkward strained relationship with my family, no friends IRL due to my PTSD, school and work are exhausting because i am tired and frustrated all the time and therapy often seems to make it worse instead of better because of trying to dig up stuff my mind doesn't want to let go. I know for a fact, from reading other posts, that Petunia, Fuzzy, and Caroline are all having a difficult time right now and yet they're stopping here to let you know how much you matter to us here at PC. we can't know your exact problems and we do not have the same ones, but we all have our problems and we all feel quite hopeless and helpless to some degree...and at times it is worse, at times it is better. i hate that it is a 'worse' time for you right now and i wish there were something i could do. but short of listing all of my problems, i don't know how to help you see that i do understand and care and want to help. DID is incredibly hard to live with, esp when you are unable to communicate with the others. perhaps that is the direction to go in... because you're stuck with multiplicity but if you can accept and move past that to try and facilitate communication, it might help. i have many multiple friends and have found that generally what blocks communication with an alter is the lack of accepting that alter and what he/she holds. perhaps that is a direction you could look in, or perhaps you've already tried it, i don't know. i really would like to help, even if you just need someone to tell your problems to. i don't think it's solely because you're a multiple that these doctors won't listen...i know many people without DID that have had doctors be callous to them simply b/c the people weren't 'doctors' and therefore were assumed ignorant of their own bodies. their treatment of you is inexcusable.

All i know is that what we're saying isn't helping but i am not sure what -would- help. i don't know what to offer. Please write some more and let us know what we can do. i, for one, would love to be able to ease the troubles you are having in whatever way i can. i am sorry i am not more help.

(((((((kerria)))))))

-shadow

[allthegirls6]

Shadows post...........me too, i agree, couldnt have said it better.



Audrey (((((((((((((((((kerria))))))))))))))))))))))))))0

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((kerria)))))))))))

i'm sorry that you're feeling so badly. however, i have to defend myself i saying that there's not much i can't relate to. i, more often than not, attempt to show that relation. i've been doing so badly recently that i haven't been able to respond until now. because of that as well, i will keep this short.

there are ppl that understand and deal with chronic pain issues (i'm one. i dealt with it the best i could for 16 yrs before finding help and understanding. i was considered a neurotic nut i think). there are ppl that understand and deal with job issues (i'm one...always have been. i recently quit my job to stay at home. a difficult choice when one needs to work). there are ppl that understand how limiting DID is, especially when there's not the communication necessary to make it work better (i'm one). there are some that understand the massive familial lack of understanding for the problems (i'm one). there are ppl who have problems with t and worries there (i'm one). there are ppl who understand what it's like to deal with all of the above (i'm one)!

there are ppl who understand and who can relate. advice that's offered here is offered based on experience as to what has worked in the past for them. it's offered out of relation and care.

people care. people relate. people offer. i hope that you see that. i think it's important that you do at this time in your life. see the care, relation and understanding and try to accept it as such.

please be safe and know you're not alone,

kd

((((((((kerria))))))))
there are ppl here who care and give support the best they can. i too suffer with chronic pain. i often need injections in my back so i can walk. i haven't been able to hold down a real job for longer than about 2 yrs. and even those were very part time and health issues caused me to have to leave.
for myself, i have had to work really hard on my view of myself and RL. i too often think that no one cares, understands, or can relate. then i have to step back and see that it is my view of things. i wanted to give up several yrs ago and nearly did that. life was at the lowest point i had ever experienced. i was tired of fighting, my body was tired of fighting, i was withering away to near nothing and emotionally i was so bad that i couldn't even express myself as you have.
i guess it was there that i saw the whole thing was a choice. i wasn't trapped, i wasn't helpless or hopeless. i could make a choice. i could choose to die or i could choose to live and make changes that would help me and not keep me a victim.
NO-those changes didn't come like some kind of ZAP-CURED. i had to lay there nearly dead and nearly unresponsive for a while--days?? and then begin a VERY LONG and difficult road back.
I thank God that He gave me supportive and loving ppl who walked with me on that road. I thank God that He finally put me with a Dr. who understands, has listened and worked with me for the last over 15 yrs. (talk about abusive Drs. before..i won't) I finally once again have a therapist who believes me and my alters.
You have the same choice Kerria--you can lay down, give up and die or make the choice to live and make changes, not excuses, for your life.
There are many here who support you and are lifting you up. You have to make the choice to listen to them also.
w_i

[kerria]

Thank you Everyone. i'm sorry if i talk like i'm having a harder time - Everyone is having a difficult time. It's horrible to live mostly all the time but we still do it.

We do everything- i do everything anyways- i work, get injections , have pain that no one believes, still work , still go to the drs that abuse, still do it all- even go to church. Still go to t and cry , still come here. when we can't do it - it doesn't matter at all. A part will come to do it for me.

take care,
kerria