[bitterdregs]

I have another question which i also hope does not offend. The rules of the forum state something to the extent that the host personality is responsible for the alters. You all seem to have a real grip on that. I have 0 consciousness of at least one alter. The others I am conscious of, i have 0 control over. Occasionally I can communicate, but only to get brief glimpses of a general feel of their mood and maybe a little bit of the why of their mood but that is such an abnormal thing, it almost never happens. Maybe it's me because i find the whole thing distasteful and silly. Yes, silly, even though it's real it seems very silly to me. I want as little to do with the other states as possible.

The only control I seem to have is right before the emergence I get a weird feeling and if that feeling hits I might be able to supress the emergence of the alter. That's it. If the alter emerges, it will sometimes allow a juxtaposition with either me or it being dominant but usually it's me watching it from the background with no control.

How can the host personality be responsible for the actions of the alters when the host has no control and often no memory ? Why do you all seem to be able to do this so well ?

Personally with myself I'm more concerned about the OCD problem, brain damage and forum rules. The alters have never really showed an interest in the internet...that i know of. But with all my various probs I have agreed to be monitored and edited by a moderator just in case. I don't have immediate posting right now. I'm trying to coax an alter to juxtapose and candycoat what i say, but frankly i don't like that idea. i'm trying to keep the alters at bay.

How do you all seem to keep control of your alters enough to be responsible for them ? I can't do it.

[purple_fins]

I so appreciate your being here.
You voice what's inside me very well(I've been too chicken to say such here)... it's almost eerie......

I don't post in this forum much... I struggle to realize any of this.
"silly"-- yea, that's how I feel about it.
I don't want this anymore than I want cancer....
I hate this. It's hard to talk about and I struggle doing so.

not knowing where such and such money came from,
people talking about some trip that I have NO clue about and yet am told I went also, and sometimes not understanding adult issues
makes me recall those from my childhood saying-- "you're so stupid", "you're too dumb" "why didn't you hear me before?"......
I cover my "tracks" as best I can, like... "Oh yea, I remember that trip"... when I really don't....

anyway-- I don't have an answer to your question... as I guess.... I don't or am not able to deal in the way most others do here.
I have tons of questions myself... I'm too fearful to post any of them though. I can tend to be quite a "target" for aggression.

anyway-- thanks for posting and for being here.

I look forward to your inquiries.

regards
fins

[Nupoet64]

Bitter, I do the same thing. I have not been conciously aware of my alters but twice in my life. I did not even know I ahd alters, but looking back I can see when each was in control. My alters were just "Three of me" in my dreams. I fell apart when my husband told me something that "I" did ...I knew I was asleep. I cried for hours, I ahd never known them anywhere but in my dreams. I finally broke down and told him, after I talked to T and she told me what they were...I had no idea. I thought i was losing my mind.
I ahve had one episode where I felt like i was hijacked in my own body...it was wierd. It was just a couple of weeks ago. I was allowed just enough interaction to keep my husband from freaking out. But I was not in control. I was watching through the eyes. But not allowed to speak. Except to say, "I am fine. I will sit right here and wait for you"...that's it.
I had one episode last Thurs where I was conciously aware of my alters, it was during session with T. It is the first time in my life when I was not alseep.
I do not know if this helps any, but this is all new to me too...gl..

[bitterdregs]

Purplefins and nupoet...I am glad you are here too. I was reading some of the DID posts wanting to contribute but most of what I was reading was so alien to how the DID works with me that I could'nt offer anything. I can't pretend to enjoy it. It's frekin' scary and feels stupid at the same time.

It's funny because I covered for the things the alters did for years..but it just made me look nuts when i tried to cover for the bigger things. I lost several MONTHS of time once. During that time, evidently, an alter lost a car that I did'nt even know I owned, reported it stolen to the police, and it was found in a parking lot the next spring under a huge mound of snow when it melted. I don't even know which alter did that to this day and evidently it happened when i was about 19 which makes sense because the alters took over with a vengence at that time. I don't know what happened to the car.

Purplefins, if you have questions you are too afraid to post, I probably have the same questions. Feel free to PM me and I can ask the questions. The moderators will make sure I ask them in an appropriate way. I just feel we should get to the nitty gritty of this and not make it a fluffy social club. I find it very diffiuclt to talk about this stuff too...but that's why I'm here. I need answers and maybe some comraderie. If I need to spill my guts, I don't want to be afraid to do it anymore. The truth is what needs to be told. It's the only way to help ourselves and possibly others who will venture into this forum. I'm used to being a target LOL I need to get one of those target t-shirts

[pegasus]

Getting awareness of all of you takes time and an awful lot of therapy. So many here will relate to how things are for you right now. Yes most of us have been there too, most of my childhood is completely blank, therapy filled in a lot of that and it was worthwhile but extremely painful.

I don't think it is about control as such but getting the awareness through therapy, talking, sharing and doing some things that you may feel are 'silly.' That being allowing the child to express feelings that seem alien right now and starting to stay present.

The forums can be a good place to write, look back at posts and go, "Wow! Who the heck wrote that!" But it is all learning and you gradually become less afraid of 'going away.'

You are on a healing journey, I'm happy to help, support, answer questions or give those lovely hugs that you adore so much!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((bitterdregs))))

Thank you for posting. I have a hard time with this as for so long I did not even know others were stepping out or taking over. Things were done and things were bought that would not even fit me. I lost so much time that I did not know where I was or how I was not. I was lost many times and had to call my t and ask how to get back and the panic was so high that I was terrified.

I have been told that I am not what I am. I have faced many that do not believe and tell me to just get over it. It was not until three years ago that I even began to really get co-consciousness. It is not something easy or that all wanted at first at all. I fought it and was terrified to really know what they had to say.

So many times they would come out and talk to others and tell them parts of what they knew. I knew nothing of it and felt stupid and shamed at the fact that they would talk about me and I did not remember it. I could not cry nor could I feel any emotion except shame and guilt and fear and terror. And they made it worse and I felt like I was going crazy and that I was losing my mind.

Over the last really year, I have began having co-consciousness with those within my system. What helped me as a child to make it through childhood and adulthood until now is hurting me now as an adult. When I am unaware of who is out or what is taking place it allows harm and attacks to happen. It allows me to feel crazy and lost.

I have worked hard to have as much co-consciousness as I have. It has not been easy and it has not been fun. Getting to know those parts of myself that kept me alive has been scary. Do they post here on the forums? Yes they do. And yes I am ultimately responsible. I have a hard time allowing them to post and we have gotten colaberation going so that we know when someone is wanting to post and someone within can make sure it is appropriate to post.

Sometimes they cannot post what they have written for it is too much and could trigger others. Mostly I post about feelings and emotions that are happening for me. Many within post about questions they have about "What is Love" or Sometimes about how I am within scared. My posts are about how I feel and what is taking place deep within myself. About trying to get co-consciousness within and about the fear of it all.

It has been a very long year for myself and all within. We did not know all of each other for the longest time. It did not happen over night, and there are still many within that I am unaware of. Nothing made sense and sometimes when I had a memory or something and would talk about it I would be sometimes told that they already knew about that from someone within. It would really make me upset and I felt really dumb and embarrassed. I did not know that anyone already knew.

Finding out that the others within myself were there for me when I could not be and that they did for me what I could not do helped. It was not until I accepted them as parts of myself that I began finding that ability and desire to even want to get to know them. I at first denighed and tried to make this go away. I asked my friend to please tell me I was faking so I could figure out something else that was wrong that could be fixed.

I did not want to be DID and I was told that I was faking and I taught myself to be DID, and that I just needed to get over it and give it to God, that I was possessed. It did not work that way. My parts are real and I am DID and I had to accept that before I could even begin to go on and find any kind of help or understanding. I had to realize that they are part of myself at those ages when I could not handle what was going on and that they were very important to me to survive.

Now that we have co-consciousness we can work toward safety and giving them new jobs to help keep the system safe and to have some control. It is not easy nor is it something I want to be but it is what I am and working with my system for the better of myself is healing. We are on a long journey and it is going to take a long time to get all the pieces to come back together as my t told me today.

We are all walking this path of healing together. Some of us are just starting and just beginning to even know why and what we have. Some are way ahead or working on that healing that is towards the end. But many of us are right in the middle somewhere. When those at the beginning are stuck and get off the track others are there to encourage, share, listen, support, and lend a hand.

When those of us get off the track or fall down we are there to reach out a hand to those and to help them to stand again. Sometimes we have to carry them until they can get their footing again. We all are here to listen and help one another and though we are all on our own journeys we do not have to walk it alone. When someone hurts we all hurt. We all have been where someone is today and it is those times we can share and encourage those that ask.

No man is an island and we have been left an island for so long. I am glad you are here and that you are asking the questions you are asking. Though at times they hurt it is because for many we remember those same feelings and being told we are nothing and we are not really sick, or we are faking or we are not letting go of the past. When all we needed was someone to listen and not judge, to care and not push, to encourage and not ridicule.

Take your time as you are walking this path. I encourage you and all to ask what you need to ask and reach out when you need to reach out. We all started out at one point and are walking towards the same goal----healing. Thank you for posting and I hope I have made some kind of sense. Right now I am hurting and trying to find myself too. As I walk this path many have reached out to me and have offered their hand of friendship and support.

Now we offer our hand of friendship out to you and others that are asking. If we can help in anyway we will try. This was not easy to write but it was on my heart and it comes from a place of searching myself and knowing that if we search and ask we can move forward however small the step. Sending you gentle hugs if okay.

dps

[bitterdregs]

Yes, but how can we truthfully agree to be responsible for the alters ? Should only DID;'s who have had years of therapy be allowed to post here ? The admin here was very nice with me and we came to the moderation agreement, mostly for my OCD prob, but just in case with the alters too. The only thing i can say is that i don't THINK my alters will interfere and behave inappropriately. I cannot truthfully agree to being responsible for them. The alters are completely different ...entities/hypnotic manifestations. I personally, refuse to accept responsibility for them anymore. It's like telling a retarded person to accept responsibility for not being able to read. For those who can't truthfully accept the agreement, they should write that into the forum rules..about the moderation option. very good tactic. I'm impressed with the staff here.

This is also not meant to be an offensive statement, simply how I am feeling right now. From reading some of things in this forum from the therapized DID's...I don't think I want therapy LOL I just want to be who I am right now....minus the interruptions from within. I don't want to meet them or be nice to them, I just want them gone. I don't care what happens under hypnosis...as long as I don't remember it LOL I know, that's probably a pipe dream if i want to get better, but I'm not sure therapy will make me better. i just don't know. IT'S ALL SO ABSURD ! I feel like an idiot !

But seriously, I mean your alters sometimes post here...has'nt anyone lost control or had an unsavory alter come here and reek havoc and get booted ? I KNOW I have an alter that...is a tad.... ruthless. Worse than ruthless. How do you keep your bad boys in check here ?

[bitterdregs]

Thank you for your post, darkpurple. There will be a delay in my posts so it might look like I've posted to one person when it was the person before them.

The "get over it" thing. It's funny, because I am over it. The alters don't seem to be. I think probably because they were used so often it created pathways in the brain into an auto function. But yes, when i was younger, the whole "get over it" statement was annoying as heck. ( I seem to be doing well with changing swearwords to less offensive words...wooohoo! )

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by bitterdregs

But seriously, I mean your alters sometimes post here...has'nt anyone lost control or had an unsavory alter come here and reek havoc and get booted ? I KNOW I have an alter that...is a tad.... ruthless. Worse than ruthless. How do you keep your bad boys in check here ?

Learning, learning, learning! Oh yes I've had lots to say, lots of swearing, none of us are perfect you know. Of course we have all had our moments here and no you don't get booted for flipping! Swear words are bleeped out automatically. A thread is pulled pretty quickly if it is very offensive or abusive to others.

The admin team are ok, usually you'll be sent a nice warning, a bit of support even! (They're a good bunch really.) The next time it happens you might have to take a few days off. If it continues you might be suspended for a week. You'd have to be pretty nasty to be banned completely from Psych Central. Those that get banned completely are usually people that turned out to be seriously abusive to others on the forum. I think you might be over worrying about getting banned.

Many of the alters can be extremely angry, I think most of us here and the admin team do understand that.

[bitterdregs]

So for those of you who are integrated enough to ahve your alters post here, do you give them your login info or what ? LOL I don't even think my alters are aware of ME or anything I do. There seems to be one that has the ability to act like me and fool people though..according to various accounts.

I don't know how to learn to control them if i can't interact with them. but... I don't want to interact with them ! It's frustrating !!!!!

[anderson]

Bitter,
The others made some very good points. For us it was about acceptance. We had alters that when trigger was used in harmful ways then we had to bear the bunt of public ridicule because DID was not accepted by the local meantil health here. The hard part was that there were people that were willing to tell us that the TGC would take our son if we did not do what they wanted us to do.

We have had anger for not only us but for those that choice to use our DID coping skill againts us. So in truth to survive we did what we could to make amends to those that we have hurt and stay away from those that have hurt us.

But either way when looking back at all that has happen to us it was the case that each one was doing their best to protect the body and whole. Sometimes negativly but that was because that part had learned to act that way to keep the bad things from happening to the body.

The only way we found to heal was to let the others learn in baby steps that not all people enjoy hurting others. So just let them out and then go back and read the posts that the other do. You could be amased at how much you learn about yourself just by reading them.

We had been partially intergrated back in the 1990's but was hurt and was refragmented so in some ways we are ahead with the know how but still scattered from the abuse that we have endured. We had to relearn that we can work together and it is safe for us to do so.

Just know that even though we are so much alike we all have our own coping skills and each one that is within you needs to learn what real safe is. Not the pretend safe of running within to get away from the world and the people that can cause us so much pain.

[Nupoet64]

Bitter, it is hard to be responsible for alters when u r still unaware. I have only recently "accepted" mine and that seemed to ease things. I had one that was very angry. When I was raped she took over and for 2 years was completely out of control. That time is just a blur. I barely remember anything from then. But I did not know what was wrong with me. I thought I had lost it.
I am not completely "divided". I have alters, but we are more like splintered. I can see and know what is going on, just no control. But when things are really bad, I do lose time. That is normally a short period of time. Mostly I feel like I am not myself and living in a "dream" state. Or I feel like I have been hijcked in my body. I can see out and know what is going on, but feel nothing in my body and am acting out of character for me. I know it sounds crazy, but it is the way I am. I am working on getting better.
My traumatized Little Girl, Jeanie, would pop out instantly when she was in hysterics and it would regress me to her age and I really looked insane at those times. But I am working on integration. I can now communicate with her and she is trusting me more and showing me more memories of what really happened. We are closer adn working together , now. She still doesn't speak. She uses body language. I have only heard her speak twice. But we are doing better, she spoke last week in session with T.
Oh, I give hugs all the time, sorry if it offends. I will not hug you, since you do not like it. But I am a hugger. Not cutsie, just me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by bitterdregs

How can the host personality be responsible for the actions of the alters when the host has no control and often no memory ? Why do you all seem to be able to do this so well ?

the host being responsible for the actions of the alter is just naturally what happens. example when I was 5 yrs old I was sitting at the table and my mom yelling at me because I had gotten into the candy Jar right before dinner. no amount of saying "but I didnt do it" was going to end that lecture about ruining my dinner. I just knew might as well sit here and get the talking to over with. and did. same thing any other time one of my alters did something and someone caught the misbehavior. Taking responsibility for what the alters do is just part of the deal with having alters. from my first split into an alter until I was integrated someone was coming to me saying, I did this or I said that or hey why you walking away from me I thought I was your friend. and my standing taking responsibility by either listening or if they needed a reason I came up with a reason.

eventually since I am integrated I did gain control. I did so through years of therapy and years of medications for things like anxiety, depression that sometimes affected my being triggered and switching to get away from the triggers.