[krazy_phoenix]

In crisis (again). Needing to feel not so damn alone. Just wondering if any other DID'ers who are mums would mind if they shared some survival tips with me? I'm struggling to keep system together, and out of hospital, and alive another day. Have three little ones IRL (4yo, 2yo & 6mth) that are pushing buttons left, right and centre (deliberately as kids do in normal boundary testing, but also from stuff they don't mean and don't realise they do that upsets me) and I know they are challenging for parents in general, but unfortunately I'm getting triggered and I'm flying all over the place. I'm terrified if I ask T for assistance w kids they'll think I'm unfit and take them away. If that happened, I would stop struggling. I love them, I love them, I love them so much it hurts. My children always have their basic needs met and then some, and they come before all internally at our mutual desire. I'm exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. Just feel so damn alone.
Thanks for listening,
kp

[Gr3tta]

Thank you for sharing this! We are not mum to any children, sorry, but we do have others for whom we are responsible, and we do understand the struggle of taking care of others when it can be so challenging to take care of yourself.
We hope you will not be too scared to ask T, or anyone else, for help if you are feeling you need it. Asking for help just shows you care about how good a mum you are being. It does not reflect badly on you in any way.
We really hope you can get your triggering soothed and stop being so drained. Keeping you in our thoughts. ~Emma

[Omers]

I am a DID mom. My son likes to switch me until he gets a part that will give him candy and watch TV all day. He just got home from school so I have to cut this short until bed time... If I forget to return or switch before bed time feel free to PM me!

[anderson]

((((Omers))))
thank you so much for that post it was so much needed for those within me. My son did that to me as well and the bigger he got the harder it was. but in truth I would never have given up all the good times we had. Once we felt safe the only time he could switch us was when he wanted something bad enough to take it to a physcal level. Now that he bigger he is starting to mature more and is acutally getting protective of us as a whole. children will always try to find a way to control and get what they want but they still know what love is and know when they are pushing to far. young children have no ideal what limits are they are just living in the moment.
Pm us if you need one on one we try to answer but know that you are not alone ((((( KP )))) we are here for u too.

[silentwhisper]

I have three children at home. I was diagnosed while they were all still in elementary. I was in and out of the hospital alot at first. I think what helped me was learning DBT skills and also coming up with a mutual agreement inside that my kids need a mom. My alters all rememmber what kind of mom we had and none want to do that to my kids. I can say my kids because that is how my insiders refer to them too. If my kids need me, my alters will either push me out or try to act like me. I do not think they are always successful but my children seem to appreciate the effort.

Dawn

[Hunny]

(((((((KP))))))))

Lots of Mommy breaks for me (with Daddy helping) was a lifesaver and being in a Mom's group.

[kalisha36]

I like what Hunny suggested...I too struggle with this too have three children and they were in elementary school when I was dxed...However there getting older and things actually do get harder sometimes, however I find that what helps me well not so much as when at there younger ages was I was able to watch cartoons with my kids and color with them in there coloring books...make fun lunches what not..sometimes just getting on there level helps the younger alters get a little out too, and it relaxes you as long as you can remain co-conscious and be safe, and the kids are getting mommy time and they are having fun and no one is in distress? Not sure if any of that helps really? Safe hugs

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you all for your responses and support. Part of our problem is our core is in full denial of our child alters, and the eldest child IRL is coming up to the age of when our abuse began, setting off little dominoes inside. We have 2 child alters that I am aware of and also a 'group' of children called The Chorus who speak like a classroom of kids but not slow and singing-like with little kids at school - 'Goooodmooorning Mrsss Whateverrrr', you know how they are! The Chorus say single words quick, sharp & very loud, sometimes they give me a fright. The other energies don't do child orientated things, don't play with the kids or anything. There is a big block here, and I'm the only one who does. We are currently in the process of having another T visit us at home to help us with this. The kids have everything they need to let their imaginations run wild, a dad that loves to play, and a grandmother who has spent 25yrs as a childcare facilitator and is always down on their level, so they are certainly taken care of in that respect, just not with mum. Anyhooo, our host (not core) is quite antisocial at the moment and has been for a while as she deals with most of T work which is intense at the mo due to other every day life happenings (as if the past isn't enough, we have to deal with the present as well!!! Wouldn't it be nice if the merrygoround just stopped long enough for us to catch up??) so we have stopped going to parents group. I have to say though, the ladies at parents group are very special, and see that we are in some kind of distress and so keep in touch via txts (which host prefers). A couple of them even meet me and the kids at a park to just sit with me while they chitchat away, open invitation for me to join anytime. I love joining in! Anyhoo, the host, who wrote the original msg of this thread, is having a long overdue rest I guess. Thank you again for your support and replies, and I hope all is as well as it can be in your world.
Cheers, Ronnie
kp

[Omers]

I forgot to mention, I do have parts who do not like and/or resent my son as he takes up most our time and limits who can come out and who can be co-concious. It makes for a challenge at times.
I thought I would have a hard time when my son reached the age when the abuse started for me but I did not. So I guess some people do and others don't.
My son has Autism, ADHD, Apraxia and Traumatic brain injury so he needs constant supervision and child care is nearly impossible. Last time I left him with anyone was to go to NY for the weekend as my grandmother is having health issues. within 48 hours they dropped him off at a childrens shelter with no information. The mom part (me) was completely overwhelmed and a useless wreck. Thank god I have a part that handles any kind of negotiations! That part does not like my son but understood that the kid had to come back. So... parts can help in parenting too. No one understands how I can raise this child alone... But I am not alone, I have us. It gets hard on the body but we rotate out and some parts sleep while others watch him so that no one gets overwhelmed.

Try and think of ways in which your parts can help you be a better parent. The more involved they are in a useful way the better everyone feels about it.

And just an FYI, always be co-conscious when your littles are out playing with your kids. I came back up front one day to find my son and a little coloring together on the wall of his bedroom!

[Hunny]

Rest, safety, rest, doing nice 'me' things. Oh my goodness you make me want to cry at how you are holding things together. If it helps at all, I want to say, I notice and I know. It is so tiring, even without all the parts/alters. You are amazing Moms and I know of the anti-social ones and the negotiators and they are all important. Well done both and all of us.

The Mom of our irl chlldren had to take a huge break when the children went on to university, got married etc. She did take us to counselling and then went inside. It was a bit baffling at first. Then we started to understand why she went inside to rest. We never understood why there had to be so much 'rest' time. It was hard to get that rest but it was more important than the social times.

You are really doing 'good' things and I hope we remember that this too shall pass. Having a network of good supports for me was essential. Husband, aunts, other mothers, preschools, mom and tot groups. It really does take a community. When the husband got sick I think we split several times again but still working on that area of things.

Much care going out to you, each and everyone and to ourselves too.

I know this doesn't help now, but maybe as soon as they are old enough they could get into counseling as well. I think that might be useful. I worry about the little ones. It must be confusing for them as well.

[mlyn]

you's are so brave.

[_?_piecesof1]

Hello there,
I am new. Also a MoM. My daughter does not mind the alters but my younger son would so, I am slowly working on this so he can be more comfortable when the switching happens.

Originally Posted by mlyn

you's are so brave.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you , thank you , thank you all for your replies. Have not been in a good space lately, complete with full blown hallucinations that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. On sui watch from my mental health team with daily contact and husband home so I'm not alone (stayn out of hospital so I can stay with baby). Been feeling like I'm going to loose my mind. Core has been so deeply depressed that it is seeping through the cracks into me. I just keep singing my little chant "keep moving forward". I want to touch my children's giggling faces in the morning and feel their touch in my heart. I don't know why I'm feeling some of core's stuff? Have too much on my plate. Thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone even though I feel it.
kp

[Hunny]

Will keep reaching out to you KP. Come back as you are able. The system continues to work for the greater good but it is good you have all the supports in place.

_?_piecesof1, thanks for posting...welcome.

[Jewels]

(((((((((( KP ))))))))))

i am a DID mom too...and a foster mom to boot...i know where you are coming from...have felt that way on and off for many years...the best thing you can do is to dive headlong into playing with your precious ones and allow the littles to have their time of play...the kids won't know the difference, except that you might have a higher voice and talk more like a kid at times...my daughter notices that, but as she is 15, she has seen a lot and understands that mom has something that is being fixed, but it hasn't been all the way fixed yet...she just laughs and colors right alongside of whoever is out...she tells me about it later...she always says it's ok mom...i understand...ya know, kids are real resilient...they will be able to pick up where they left off...if it seems they are getting the better of you, excuse yourself, tell them mommy needs to go in her room for a minute, I will be right back...then go to your room, and scream or cry or do what you need to, then tuck it back in and go out and deal with the kids again...i was there when I was first diagnosed...i was in and out of the hospital a lot and my daughter didn't understand...but she was well cared for while I was an inpatient...being a single mom has its drawbacks and sometimes I would just have a meltdown the minute she got on the bus...but it happens to all of us, and if you can get some skills under your belt for when that happens you will do a lot better...

sending you prayers and good thoughts your way...

Jewels

[brittfly]

wow.... you all are amazing mums!!!! i do not have children just children within... all i have to do is try to have a realationship with my gf... which is hard... and good ...but not 3 kids or 2 or 1..... you all sound so awesome.... doing as best you can... some seem to have firgured things out some more than others... but i think it would be great to have a moms thread soooo you all can talk... and us childless people with DID and others could cheer on your succesees and ideas and wins and not so good days. I am so proud of each of you!!! amazing... just amazing. I wish you all a good new year and strength for you for your Littles IRL. Safe hugs to you all !!!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Pheonix, I am so sorry you are going through this! I am a single mother diagnosed with DID along with many other mental illnesses. It's not impossible! When I left my abusive husband I thought I would be locked away for sure and would lose my daughter. I didn't though and she and I are doing better than ever. I did tell my t at one point that I didn't think I would be able to take care of my daughter on my own with all of the problems and the t at the time tried to have me hospitalized (I was having a mental breakdown) but she never went through with it because she could see that as hard of a time as I was having my daughter was in a good place. When they see you reaching out for help they are more willing to help and not take away from you. Bring this up with your t, you don't have to tell her you are unfit, just that you are having a difficult time dealing with the stress and I'm sure the t will help find other ways of dealing with the situation.

As a parent with DID, I'm not sure if there are much more challenges in raising a child, especially when you don't know if you will lose yourself in a moment and you don't know who will come out with your kids, but it is something that can be helped and something that can work out with time and patience!

Again I am so sorry you are suffering in such a terrible way. I wish you all the best and if you need anything at all pm me any time! Hugs if ok : )

[Hunny]

I didn't know about the dissociation until much later in life, even though I suspected something. There was this constant changing of well, external things like clothing to internals like child voices and other behaviours. Being a good mom was the most important to me and still is.

Later, I was comforted by a therapist who made mention of the fact that dissociated parents are some of the best because they are playful! Thankfully, though, there was a degree of co-consciousness and we were able to also put a meal on the table as an adult and clean, albeit different alters assigned to these tasks. My outer children were the highest priority.

I am not sure if I would have made it through all the school years without the Christian community helping me though. Being the renaissance person I was sometimes described being it was helpful to have the help of those outsiders who helped me focus on my children's educational needs. I was definately being carried by a force greater than myself, thankfully.

[wanttoheal]

I wasn't diagnosed until my children were in their teens. What I wouldn't give to have been diagnosed before they were born or when they were little. We struggled so much but I wasn't even aware of it. My son (probably both but my son more so) subconsciously would get me to be the mom that would allow him to get what he wanted, do what he wanted, etc. He just knew if he said some things, or did certain things, then he would get what he wanted, be it going to a friend's house or eating candy before dinner, getting money, etc.

My kids struggle at times due to my inconsistencies from having DID. All I ever wanted was to be a good mom, but I struggled so much, not even knowing why, that I wasn't able to be.

Thankfully we've worked through a lot of stuff and my kids are very understanding and supportive. And I'm getting better. But it can be a hard road at times.

My children have said though, that I was a good mom in that I actively participated in their lives. I wasn't a mom who would go off and do things while they played, learned, etc. From what they have said, I get the feeling that other parts of me were very much involved in their lives as well and my children have some really fond memories of that, for which I am so thankful.

I'm so glad you know now, when they are little, and have support through this. My husband was an integral part of my children's lives (until he died) and that was a lifesaver, even when I didn't know what was going on.

I think if you stick close to people who can help guide you and help you with the children, they will be okay. Awareness is good and the sooner the main part of you realizes it, the better, for the children. Good luck on your journey through this.