Self pity time

Thank you, tamzin.

C

Thank you sleeps.

My pastor's wife called this morning. That helped.

Thank you for caring.

Caroline

Thank you fuzzy. Yes, I think it is really hard for people who have a supportive mental health service to understand what ours is like in the uk. The gratitude for whatever crumbs of support I get is hard to fight against.

Demanding - yes, it makes sense but is not something I find easy to do. But my friend from church phoned this morning and has offered to come to the hospital with me for my next appt so maybe I will manage it.

I know what youa re saying aobut not getting enough help. Thing is, from most people's point of view if I am working I can't be that "ill", you know. Not many people realise how much I put the lid on stuff to enable me to cope. I can't really keep the lid on at the moment. Partly cos the mental health stuff is encroaching on the work time, and that makes it hard to compartmentalise them as I have learnt to do.

thanks for caring
C

Thank you wisewoman. I know you are right and it is something I am trying to do. I guess I just felt I could acknowledge my real feelings about myself here, but I see what you are saying about that not being helpful. It doesn't make the feelings any less to not say them though. It just means more pressure inside, and sometiems that explodes.

I wish you would trust us and say something positive about yourself here. I know it's hard to not think of ourselves in a hateful way when we think we "should" be doing better etc. it's fine to say you feel like a piece of cow poo but it's not okay to say I am a piece of cow poo. See what I am saying? Example, for me;"I have pain in my hips and legs right now but I worry that I am a faker trying to get attention. To, oh yeah, here I am exagerating {sp} again just to get attention so I can feel sorry for myself" Can you see the difference. You can ask people if you are a piece of poo. We all would tell you no, but asking about those negative feelings is helpful for you to do. If you think bad things ask us if they are true. I hope this makes sense. I understand also about the red box and smells. Keep yourself here in the present as much as you can. Kids are a great help with that.

I hear what you are saying, wise woman, and believe me I do as much positive stuff as I can. It's very hard to do, and perhaps posting that positive stuff here is more than I can do right now, but I agree with you about asking for comments on how I am feeling rather than saying that I am how I feel.
Even that is really really hard for me. There are two problems. The first is that if I ask people if I am piece of poo I am scared someone might say yes. The second is that I have longstanding scripts that tell me that to say (or encourage others to say) anything positive about me is boasting, showing off, being needy and generally a BAD THING to do. Although I encourage my pupils and my own children to be proud of their achievements, to recognise their own good points, it is a very difficult place for me to go for myself. I'm working on it and have got as far as noting some positives in my online journal and to my counsellor. But it needs a lot of strength and courage for me to do even that. I hope you can understand - I am not wanting to negate what you say and I agree with it - but I am struggling to do it. I'm also struggling with the fact that I am locking all my feelings inside so much of the time. I'm constantly scared here - for example, reading your comments the thoughts run through my head that you are irritated by me, that people will think i am trying to get attention. It's very difficult for me to frame those feelings as questions because they feel so true to me.
I'm rambling and probably making this all worse. Thank you for caring enough to post the suggestions, and I will continue to try to act on them - because I AM trying, even if my efforts are not apparent to others and even if I am not succeeding all the time.

Caroline,

You do try, I know you do. And you do the most that you can. Please dont feel that your are under pressure to perform or suddelny have things sorted cos we all know thats not how it works. It a long and hard road, and we all fall a few time, give up, say were not doing any more, then get right back on again. So your doing just fine as you are Caroline.

Keep travelling forward!

thank you all the girls. Your understanding means a lot to me.
C

YOUR STUFF ________||||||||||__________ their stuff

fussy, you said it perfecty

you make me lol

atg X

))))) HUGS (((((

fussy ???

is that a backward hug fuzzy? Or is it a bear thing?


atg

both.... mainly a bear thang

thanks, fuzzy. Still working on disentangling "their stuff" from "my stuff".
A further email from the hospital - at least I now have a phone no for the person who is coordinating it now. The person I have agreed to speak to about the decision not to give me any support is away on annual leave till next Tuesday.
I'm going to aim to go to the hospital tomeet again with one of the drs - not sure yet whether it will be the one I saw or the consultant. My pastor's wife offered to go with me to support me, and taht makes it feel possible.
C

Caroline,

Im glad you got a name and that you have a friend to go with you. It really will make the difference cos she will be able to help when you get a bit stuck with what you need to say.

atg

Yes, and she knows a lot of what I am going through and how I have tried to help myself too. Maybe I will be able to make it clear to them how tough things are.
C

Caroline,

I know Ive said it before, but write down what you want to cover. Tell them when you go that you have a list that you need to get through. Its just that this is so important for you and you need to get the best result out of this meeting. You might want to have a think about what your aim is, ie what result do you want and keep that at the front of your head when you are at the meeting. Tell them what you want, tell them what you need, and maybe you will get the result that you hope for.

atg

Caroline, I think nothing but the best for you. You are trying hard and that is what I want you to know. You are doing the best you can. You may ask me anything, ask for reassurance, encouragement. Your doing great!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))

time0

some people will care and some won't
some might pretend to care for their own purposes
some will try to listen and understand, some won't, including shrinks and therapists
some will care some of the time
It's a mean nasty world, but you'll get through the black slime

Yes, atg, I agree with you and I will write it down. I did last time - only then I left it at home! I have sent an email about my concerns over the CPN side of it and I will print that off to take with me. I'll try to do similarly with the psychiatrist. Good point about clarifying what I need and want too. I'm not good at those. Maybe this is something to discuss with my counsellor when I see her tomorrow.
Thanks
C

Thank you, wisewoman. I needed to hear that.
Caroline

THank you time0. Hugs are very welcome right now.

C

Fuzzy, I know you are right. We both just have to keep fighting through the black slime and hopefully find the good people out there.
Caroline