Depersonalization??

I'm sorry if this thread is in the wrong section, but it seemed appropriate so I dunno.

I had a session yesterday and I described to him a state that I entered this week and he said that what I was describing was "depersonalization". I've been kind of shook by it because I'd never realized the severity of my episodes or how frequent they were until I really thought about it. It explained a lot about why I don't remember certain things that I've done and said and probably why I think that some things have been done or said when they haven't. I went into therapy feeling like I was losing touch with reality, but never really imagined that they'd tell me that I really was. Then I was a little concerned because we didn't really talk about how to deal with it.

So I guess my question to those of you who experienced this is, how do you feel when you're going through it? Why do you think it happens to you? How do you cope?

Well, depending on when i am aware of the dissociative episode or not. I've gone into episodes during sessions with therapist, and co-therapist, and i am aware that not all is right. During those times i am most aware of how my body feels. But basically it'slike i'm not real, and nor is the world. I am curious about everything in the room as if i've never seen it before. To be fair, though, that part which i dissociated into doesn't know the room.

It's happened so much in life that... it's not unsettling, and is an escape for me. I think i'm not alone in this. But when i was a kid, i'd dissociate frequently to quell the boredom of life, and to escape from stressful or traumatic events. So, it's not that i need to cope, because.. it's normal for me.

It happens because life is boring, and my fantasies are... more entertaining; i get to drive race cars, kiss pretty girls, fight jedi and race around the universe like a space pirate. I get to do anything i want while i'm not here.

The real thing, though, is the amnesia and loss time; events unfold and i'm not aware. It's like looking through a drinking glass, or floating above my self watching things unfold and i can't do anything, yet i am speaking and others are speaking, and i am doing things, and other people are doing things, yet it's not me controlling my actions, and i can't remember anything afterwards.

Hi Stoney - don't worry. You're in the right section.

I suffer from Depersonalization Disorder, so I know all too well what you are describing. It can happen along with all sorts of other conditions like PTSD, generalized anxiety, depression...so you don't have to have a dissociative disorder to dissociate. I get both depersonalization and derealization, so I will describe both for you.

So, to answer your questions...

How does it feel? Well,when I experience depersonalization, my body feels like it's not my own. My arms seem detached and feel like I am not really controlling them. My consciousness feels like it is deep inside my head and I feel like I have pulled away from my body. I look in the mirror and don't quite recognize the person I see. My voice feels far away and sounds like someone else is speaking. In order to function in this state, I go into a sort of autopilot mode and things feel very robotic. When I have a severe episode, I go completely inward. I cannot speak, sounds feel very far away, I close my eyes and I am reduced to nothing but thought.

Derealization affects how the world appears....Like I'm walking in a dream. Things don't look "real" to me. Like there's a veil between me and the rest of the world. Colors are faded. When I was a teenager, I didn't know this feeling had a word. I used to call these episodes my "grey outs" because things would fade to grey. Places that I have known for years suddenly look unfamiliar. I mean, I *know* where I am and that I am in a familiar place, but it looks very foreign, as do people. When the DR gets bad, I start to feel disoriented and overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trapped in a house of mirrors and the entire world is gravely distorted. Some people say that it's anxiety that causes the DP/DR. That may very well be. But for me, it's often the DP/DR that causes me the anxiety and leaves me immobilized.

Why does it happen?...I had a very traumatic accident when I was three years old and almost died. Apparently, during my rehabilitation, I had to undergo some very painful medical procedures. I remember the accident, but the rest of it has been blocked out. I have been experiencing the dissociation for as long as I can remember. Looking at pictures of me as a young child can be disconcerting sometimes - there's just "no one there" when I look into my eyes. I didn't find out it had a name, and that other people actually experienced it, until I was 30 years old. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't losing my mind!

Coping skills have taken me a long time to develop. I often use cold packs or ice to help myself come back into my body. Oddly enough, when the colors are faded, the only one I can really see is the color red. So, I try to focus on that color and it helps bring me back sometimes. Depending on how you experience it, you could also use regular mindfulness exercises like taking notice of the ground under your feet, or feeling cold air on your skin.

Now, depersonalization alone doesn't normally leave you forgetting things you've done or said. "Reality testing" remains intact - when someone is experiencing DP/DR, they know where they are and what they're doing, it's just the perception of the actions and themselves that is skewed and distorted. If you're losing periods of time, that may be something different like dissociative amnesia.

A good book on DP/DR is "Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self". It has a lot of personal accounts of how others experience these things. A good website to check out is www.dreamchild.net .

As far as working with your therapist on how to deal with it...it depends on what it is stemming from. This kind of dissociation can come up when experiencing traumatic events, remembering the events, or even when talking about uncomfortable topics in a therapy session. It's our mind's way of protecting itself from painful feelings. Sometimes, though, that mechanism can get a bit out of whack and it happens even without the emotional threat, like with me.

I hope that answers your questions.

I experience depersonalization quite frequently, as part of my PTSD. I fell into it as a child to get through traumatic experiences, and now as an adult I will do it when I am scared or emotionally overwhelmed. When I am tired, or if there is a lot of noise or movement around me, I am more likely to be triggered into it.

It's a distressing experience, except that it distances me even from the distress. I feel far away from myself; I often move very slowly if at all. My gaze fixes and I stare into space. I often slow my breathing or hold my breath. It's as if I am in suspended animation until I feel safe enough to come out of it.

Everyone experiences depersonalization (ever stared into space, or a campfire?) but some of us use it as a psychological defense. It's not unnatural or bad, just a way to cope, one that we can replace with better strategies in therapy.

I also experience this. All the posts above describe it so much better than I can. It is like the world isn’t real, I can be standing in a room and I feel like I could put my hand through objects. Either they don’t exists where I am or I don’t exist where they are. I often felt like I was looking at an almost transparent image of myself and asking myself what the hell was going on. Used to be quite scary, not so much anymore and doesn’t last long.

How long do these phases last? This thread is very helpful in describing depersonalization and derealization. I am just curious to know the normal time frames that these last. I went over the same thing with my pdoc about 10 years ago when I was experiencing this to an extreme level but that would last up to 45 minutes feeling that way before I would come to (in a public setting, can't remember how it was at home) but can it also happen for just seconds or moments as well or is this something else? Does it last anywhere from 5 seconds to 5 hours or normally last so many minutes? Just wondering

For me, the length of the episodes can vary. The severe episodes where I am completely immobilized and reduced to "mere thought", for lack of a better description, can last about 15 minutes. The less severe episodes can last anywhere from about half an hour to days on end.

I'm with dragonfly. Typically the more severe the "episode" is, can last up to 2 hours. (The longest i've been "under" so to speak.) But minor or even medium episodes can last for days if not weeks. I regularly lose time because of it, so... kind of unsettling because of that. I had a medium to severe episode on Friday when i was with some mates, and everything was really sureal like it wasn't happening or i was dreaming, or... they weren't real. I remember it though, so i must've been "there" for bits and pieces of it.

I too am diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder. I experience the same things that most of you do the loss of time, the feeling of detachment, the feeling that either i am not real or like the things around me are not real, the feeling like stuck in a dream state and can not wake up. Although in my case it is considered severe cause when I go into my Depersonalized state the last for days or even weeks. But as well I am also diagnosed with DID and Dissociative Fugue.

I agree with what everyone has said here and couldn't say it better. One thing that popped out at me was when Dragonfly mentioned the world grays out and the only color is red that she sees. That is exactly what happens to me and the red is very vivid and bright.

I also experience the Alice in Wonderland effect that Lewis Carroll wrote about. It usually happens with my car. I can appear very small in proportion to the size of the car. The key appears very large and heavy and I can't figure out how to get the key into the lock. If I manage to get into the car, the steering wheel seems large and I can't see over the hood to drive. Or, in other instances, I appear to large for the car and can't figure out how to get into it. There have been debates if this is a seizure aura, migraine aura or part of the spectrum of dissociation I experience. While this is going on, I separate from myself and feel like I am floating over the car watching myself.

One day, while in Sears, I was at the checkout counter and suddenly the clerk appeared 2 football fields away from me. She was very tiny, but carrying on as if nothing was wrong. I was unable to process the sale and as I was walking out, the floor underneath me was shifting and I couldn't find out where to put my feet. Then when I finally managed to get to the glass door, there were two glass panels and I just stood there wondering which one is the door until someone behind me opened the door to go out. I don't remember anything until I found myself standing beside my car door waiting to get inside and go home. Driving was frightening as I had no concept of what the lines on the street meant, how to keep my car between the lines, what the red or green light meant. I just followed the car in front of me, like follow the leader in kindergarden. It was a miracle I didn't end up in an accident. I realized eventually, I was having difficulties and a part of me took over and drove the car home. I was wiped out for the rest of the day, in a daze of sorts. I don't remember what the trigger was, but I do remember entering the store and feeling spaced out as if my head was detached and floating above my body.

Last week, I went in to pay my utility bill at my property managers office. Now, I have lived her 3 years and the employees have all been there during this time, but suddenly I didn't recognize anyone and asked if they were all new and what their names were. Needless to say, it will be a long time before I go back there. When I figured out what happened, due to the varied responses from the employees there, I was soo mortified and disappointed in myself. That same day, I had to go to my vets office to pick up a prescription. I wondered if I was safe enough to go, thought maybe I should give it a day, but then someone took over and reassured everything would be okay, so I went along. I usually get a hug from one of the techs there and .... well, this is embarrassing.... during the hug, my hand went to her butt and I patted it. I had never done this before and have no idea why I did this. I apologized and fled, leaving my prescription behind.

I feel like I am a walking danger to myself at times.

Hoping some of these examples explains this strange phenomenon.

Thought you might like this quote -

"Who are you?" Crooned the caterpillar.
Alice replied shyly, "I-I hardly know, sir, Just at present. I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then" ~ Alice In Wonderland - By Lewis Carroll

hahahahaha, very appropriate !!! Do you have the book?

There are times when it's just not safe for me to drive. If I'm at home and already DP'd, I try to avoid going out. If I'm already out and an episode hits, it's a judgement call. Sometimes I can safely function through it, other times I cannot and I have to wait for the severe episode to pass, or call my husband. I've only had to call him a couple of times - usually the bad episodes pass within an hour. The thing that gets tricky is trying to function through the periods where I'm DP'd for days on end. We still need toilet paper, you know??!

It depends who is out front and what has triggered their attendance. We allow them to be who they are because when there is an issue, internal communication has been the best to work it through. With having learned to accept and not deny parts and by being more coconscious there is less intensity and reason to freak out. Being kind within seems to help a lot and doing what is necessary for that part which may mean getting to the roots of their existence with some deep therapy early on and like I said before more communication within, later on. I hope you can breathe and keep calm as you discover more about yourself/ves.

June Bug, read the book many times.
It's one of my favourites.

dragonfly2,

I find I manage the driving okay but it's when unexpected things come up while trying to carry out my daily schedule that faze me, like losing my shopping list or forgetting where I parked the car. So long as nothing gets in the way of the schedule I laid out for the day, the day can run quite smoothly.

Most of the time now it's about prevention. I'm aware of what can faze me so I try to avoid these things. If one or two things come up sudden like I might feel a little fazed but can usually deal. But if a couple of other things come up that I wasn't expecting there can be a problem.

I've often left my shopping trolley and just left the store. In the past I have called someone like my sister or my daughter. Sometimes just hearing their voice is enough to ground me and get me back on track. If that didn't work I would ask them to come meet me.

Hunny,

I agree, staying calm helps a lot where freaking out makes things worse and harder to deal with. Also asking ‘others’ to stay calm helps.

I sometimes hear the words in my head, “Just stay calm. We must be calm.” That’s Alison, she came along to help keep the peace between Alice and Angel. Just felt like introducing some parts of me. This isn’t something I do these days preferring to try to work as one. Not always easy.

OMGoodness! I am terrified! My pdoc today told me, after I was describing something to her that I have a mild form of d.i.d. and it WILL get worse if I don't get therapy, which I can't afford.

When I get actively suicidal it's like some other force takes over and I'm all of a sudden above my body watching myself make the attempt, horrified at what I'm doing. In the past, when I've been in therapy, even when we were talking about trivial things, I would start to separate from myself. I would find like others have said that I don't recognize my surroundings yet I know it's familiar. It's so surreal, it's like my mind and body separate. It usually takes a couple hours to re-integrate body and mind. When I'm in that state I look at my body and it doesn't look like me.

I had a major dissociative episode 7 years ago when the little girl inside my head took over. I wanted to kill her but realized that killing her would be killing me. What started bringing me back was my husbands voice on the phone. It started happening again later that night but I fought it tooth and nail and kept reaffirming what I knew was real. After a while it eased.

I'm so freaking terrified. I have schizo-affective and have had psychotic episodes and I thought that was scary but this for me seems far worse.

What I need from you all is your thoughts on the progression of the illness if left untreated. Is it like addiction that progresses downhill unless treated? Please, please help allay my fears. Right now I think it's more depersonalization but I'm just so lost.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

picture a nice beautiful house, and a nice beautiful lawn with a couple trees and a flower bed. you own this house. looks good when you first move in there. then a little bit later the lawn grows, you do nothing about mowing it. the trees one day need pruning bur you havent gotten to the lawn yet either. now you have two problems the lawn and the trees. then the flowers need tending to but you havent addressed the lawns issues yet nor the trees issues yet. Now you have three problems to figure out, then the windows need washing, but theres that lawn that needs mowing, trees that need pruning, flowers that need tending, that makes 4 problems, then the paint starts chipping off (5 problems) then chimney needs cleaning out, (6 problems needing to be addressed...)

this goes on and on until you have reached your breaking point and are so overwhelmed you cant even think which problem to address first.. the lawn, tress flowers, paint, windows, chimney, walls, flooring, plumbing, wiring ...

Thats how DID progresses. you start out one whole person. then you go through extreme traumas (problem 1 through perhaps 7-15) and split into how ever many alters you need to survive your childhood.

now you are an adult with alters that only know how to deal with your childhood problems. you havent learned how to cope with the adult world so one by one as the adult problems get the best of you, you dissociate and the alters formed in childhood now have to deal with the adult world problems too.

Slowly but surely each one of those alters formed for dealing with childhood issues reaches their limits of their capabilities / purposes because they are children who's purposes were to deal with your childhood issues.

then one day neither you nor your alters are capable of doing what needs to be done in order for you and the alters to survive. many people with DID reach this point and end up suicidal because they are so overwhelmed with past issues not being dealt with and no coping tools to deal with the present overwhelming issues. it all ends up spiraling out of control until one day you end up gone. if not physically then mentally to where you cant be maintained out patient anymore and have to live out the rest of your life in mental institutes.

here in america there are places to get free mental health services like therapy and many of them deal with all kinds of mental and physical problems.

theres places like I work at which is a crisis intervention center, theres also churches, NAMI is nationwide, any mental health agency in america can direct you to crisis centers and other places that have free services for the homeless and low income. your medical doctor too can point you in the right direction to free mental health care places, therapy and support groups in your area.

Hiya AmandaLouise,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. What you described sounds like the terrifying prospect it is. So, can these alters take over and I not know it but am still functioning as if I were in charge? Like being able to do my job and go to school. Still knowing how to drive. Or do I always lose control and start acting different so other people can tell? I've only really heard of extreme cases and seen the portrayal on the American soap opera, One Life to Live. The way they portray it is my worst nightmare. They portray the real me being stuck inside my head with the other alters trying to figure out how to get out again. I did have one major dissociative episode seven years ago where I experienced that, like I described earlier.

What type of therapy helps best. I've noticed while in thought today that the number of prominent thought patterns that are morphing into personalities quite rapidly are increasing. At first there were three now there are probably five maybe six. I thought that one of the ones that is new was just a different one changing but looking closer at it I can tell them apart. They try to pretend like they are the same but I know better. That sounds a little paranoid, but whatever. I just need to be honest and figure out what the heck to do.

BTW, I'd like to suggest we have a double thanks on posts, so I can double thank you for your post. Your description, although terrifying, was extremely helpful in allowing me to understand.

Love and many hugs,
Tara

P.S. Sitting here typing I just remembered that when I drink I use a different name. It's a name of a childhood friend. I mean I don't just have one drink and then tell everybody my name is Tanya. I have to be beyond the point of knowing that I'm drinking. Pretty much I have to be drunk. Is that part of d.i.d.? Or is that just some weird thing I do?

being drunk then saying you are other names no thats just part of being drunk. booze has that affect on some people where they lose their inhibitions and gain a lose tongue and say and do all kinds of things that are true and not true and say things they dont mean to say. thats why the diagnostic criteria for DID says right in it the problems cannot be because of things like drugs and alcohol. some people act, think,... as if they are completely different type people when they are drunk vs when they are sobor which mimics how some people are when they have DID. since that problem only happens when you are drunk its not considered part of the DID.

the alters taking over yes thats what the diagnostic criteria states alternate personalities do they recurrently take control.

you not knowing about it. sometimes yes sometimes no. theres a symptom called co consciousness and forgetfulness (amnesia). that means how aware of your alters you are, whether you know or dont know when you switch, share the alters memories and actions. to fit the diagnostic criteria you must have at least two alters which you share nothing with, which you have no control of. Most people with DID have a mixture of alters they are aware of and alters they are not aware of. Some have no awareness and a rare few have total awareness except for the two alters that the diagnostics look for.

Types of therapy - what ever works for you is what works for DID. if CBT helps you to deal with all your issues then thats what you do, if DBT works for you thats what you do,if trauma work is what works for then thats what you do, if antianxiety meds work for you then thats what you do. if working on your depression, PTSD or any other problems you have works for you thats what you do. if outpatient works for you thats what you do. if inpatient works for you thats what you do. if having a non specialized mental health provider works for you thats what you do, if having a mental health provider that specializes in Dissociative Disorders works for you thats what you do.

therapy is individualized based on what each clients needs are.

Hi Amanda Louise!

Thanks so much for your reply and clarification of some things for me. I'm trying to figure out what the heck it is that my pdoc is seeing. I mean why would she say this if I've never presented an alter during our meetings. I wonder if when she says I have mild did that it's because I am aware of some form of it even though I didn't know what it was or what to call it.

Love and hugs,
Tara

Thanks for everyone's replies! I hadn't gotten e-mailed so I didn't think that anyone had noticed the thread, but everyone was very helpful!

I've been becoming more clear on what it is and how it applies to me and I'm kind of surprised how much its been affecting my life in the past.

And I have had a sort of Alice in Wonderland-esque experience while driving with it too. I would be in the car and suddenly I'd feel like I wasn't really on the road anymore and I'd see on-coming traffic from the other interstate and be convinced it was headed straight for me. Everything would disappear except the far off oncoming headlights. It'd almost be like a whirlpool. Its hard to describe. I'm not sure if its part of the DP/DR, but its happened to me more than a few times.

Im sorry but I cant tell you why your pdoc is saying you have mild DID. you need to ask the pdoc that.I can tell you that mild refers to severity and around here pdocs dont say mild until - after - the client has gone through diagnostic tests. this way the pdoc and sit down with the client and show them all the wheres, whys and all on why the client fits the diagnosis. schedule an appointment with your pdoc and go through your psych eval and ask the pdoc why they are saying you have mild DID. I can tell you mild isnt on the scoring sheet for how severe a person has any of the dissociative disorders. severity for dissociative disorders go on a number scale not mild medium and severe. for example my number on one of the scales was 8. f you went through the testing your pdoc can tell you exactly what that number is and where you fit on the dissociative disorders scales.

if you didnt go through diagnostic testing then you can ask your pdoc to do that with you. it consists of computerized, oral and academics, and a medical evaluation with your physician, and tests to rule in/out things like seizure disorders. it typically takes anywhere from a month to 4 months to get all the testing done and then about a week to 6 weeks to get the results.

Thanks again AmandaLouise!

That's good to know that there is testing available that my pdoc should have atleast recommended and not just thrown out the label without really sitting down with me and discussing it. I do see her next week so I'm taking everything I've written in exploration here to ask for clarification. I will also ask for testing to be done as I want to know either way what I'm up against. My pdoc's specialty is depression and psychosis so it may be that she's saying mild because she's thinking back to general information she learned and doesn't remember the scaling.

Love and Hugs,
Tara