Tough T session yesterday

OK. Last week we dealt with a very significant issue (to me) that happened when I was 17. T got me to describe it as if I was there and experiencing it. Present tense. It led to quite a rocky week as the emotions got all stirred up. During the week I was very aware of Shula (17 yr old) wanting to talk - not to me but to T. She wouldn't write and kept on pestering me about the things she wanted to say. So I was quite nervous about it - none of my insiders have come out with T before though we have talked about them, and I did dissociate at the end of the previous session.
Shula did put in an appearance, and before we got very far into the session. It was a very odd feeling - like being there but not being in any control and not being really aware. Odd and hard to describe. T picked up what was going on and brought me back by saying my name. We discussed what had happened and tried to identify why, in terms of triggers. we had been discussing the previous week's session and how I felt. The session continued, but I slipped out and shula slipped in more than once, and I found it really hard to keep in the here and now. I found it (still do) really upsetting to feel so out of control. T & I talked about the reasons for it. It happens much more often when I am under stress (as I had been, both through the previous session and through a very difficult staff meeting at the start of term the previous day. T suggested that the previous week had "blurred the boundaries" making it more likely. I realised that I can keep in touch with the present much more by focusing on something which is moving or changing rather than a blank wall. Worryingly, my "grounding stone" didn't really seem to work.
It scared me. I haven't had that floating in and out feeling before, nor so clear a sense of being in a different time and place. When T asked me questions to try to help me to ground myself (where I was, what the date was, how old I was) I really had to struggle for some of the answers. It all feels so weird and I am scared.

"It was a very ODD feeling - like being there but not being in any control and not being really aware"

That also describes my experience in therapy at times (and elsewhere)

Mr Bear is starting work full time soon so there is a good chance I will actually be able to see a T soon (if I can find one) instead of talking about it and doing self help (or trying to )

Fuzzy

PS your T sounds good and helpful (my T said that working on my past pain was "overwhelming" for me but I do not think he was much help in helping me aquire more "coping skills")

Caroline

So good to see you back! It is scary and frustrating and that out of control thing really stinks. But the only way out is through! That was easy to say

I find talking with people here such a nice complement to session and sometimes I have to hide for awhile and that's okay.

I know you know about grounding techniques so try when you can. I also found, unfortunately, that the more I work in session, the more switching and confusion that happens, but it's better than staying where I am, so I go on and hold onto that thought.

Good Luck and hang in there, Hugs
Songbird

Caroline, sounds like you did alot of work! Also sounds like you have a great T who understands how too work with alters. Alot of it is new for me. Just know you are not alone.
HUGSSSSSSSSSSS
Cher
P.S. Did you get very sleepy after your session? I tend too when my alters have done alot work.

Thank you for your response Fuzzy.
I hope you do soon manage to find a T.

Thank you Songbird for your reply. It means a lot.
Your comments about, "the more I work in session, the more switching and confusion that happens, but it's better than staying where I am, so I go on and hold onto that thought." was very helpful and made a lot of sense.
Unfortunately most of the groundingt echniques I know either didn't work or didn't come to mind during that session. Perhaps I should print them out before next week. But Shulas is adamant that she has more to say...

Thank you Cher
Yes, I think after all the fight it has taken I have found a good T. He certainly seems to understand about how to work with me and keep me there. Not sure how he feels about working WITH the alters yet. He did listen to them.
It's always good to know we are not alone. Yes, I felt really sleepy - especially the day after. Not easy to deal with while I am trying to teach!

Thank you so much for replying.

Actually, Caroline, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, isn't it a good thing that Shula has more to say? it would seem to me that expression has been part of the problem for a lot of alters, they weren't allowed or didn't feel allowed to express themselves "back then" and being able to talk about it now, I think, is a good thing, albeit difficult and unnerving and scary for us.

Hang in there, hun, you're doing good things to help yourself and are very brave to do so

Songbird

Hi Caroline! Those therapy sessions are tough. I have switched in Therapy a little. My T knows how to see what is happening with me. She can tell when someone else is present. Good Luck with your T.... it is good to have a T that understands....
Lilith

You're very right, Songbird. In fact, one of the things T told me shula spoke about was how nobody listened to her. That was certainly a very strong thing when I was growing up - and then I thought I had found someone who would listen and he took advantage. So I think you are right that shula is seeing this as a time she can speak. Part of my fear is from feeling out of control. Part is a deep sense that it is wrong for me to be able to express myself. Part is that I have a limited number of sessions with the psychologist and I know I need to make good use of them.
She still wants to say more and I don't know what I am going to do next week. I want to give her my voice but...

Thank you Lilith. It helps to know it's not just me.

Hi Caroline - hang in there. grounding while experiencing the memory pieces will easier each time you do it with that specific memory piece. The more information about "shula" you and your therapist can get by triggering that memory piece to replay will help you to understand things and funtion much better today. When I first started doing memory work and using triggers I could not stay aware either. but that information that my therapist got while the memory was replaying while I was not aware was still helpful in figuring things out. Hang in there. It will get easier.

Thank you, myself.

I can't see how to remain grounded while shula is speaking / being present. It's like I becoem disconnected. If I stay connected, she doesn't speak. I can stay more self aware while any of my others are writing, but not when they are speaking. It's so disorientating. Do you mean I will eventually be able to remain in the present while they express themselves?

yes. kind of. What we are talking about here is called becoming co-conscious (being aware while the memorys replay)

What I went through to do this is listed in my blog.

The more you focus on your therapist and follow his grounding questions the more you will be able to remain aware.

At first you will float off and he will be left with the memory content of "shula" replaying and thats ok because he can talk to you while those memorys are replaying and find out what the triggers are that make that piece of memory replay and get acted out.

as you practice remaining aware you will get stronger and be able to stay aware for longer and longer times during therapy.

At first it will feel so wierd cause its kind of like tunnel vision of binocculars everything will seem miles away from you. you can see your therapist but also see flashback style what that memory piece contains.

At first your voice will sound strange because the tone and volume is that which is contained in the memory that is replaying, but then each time you get triggered into this same memory piece you will be able to use your present voice instead of the memory voice of you as a child.

You will be able to know what is in that memory and tell your therapist what you are seeing, hearing and so on while that memory is replaying.

Once you remember the content of that memory, when you get triggered that memory no longer gets acted out because it is no longer stored separated from your conscious level. Its now a part of your normal conscious memorys.

Then its just a matter of letting yourself get used to knowing what happened. You may have flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms associated with the "shula" memories for a bit but you will not be dissociating (unaware and acting out) as "shula" anymore.

You will always know that situation contained in the memory was called "Shula" and that memory content that was known as "Shula" will always be there because memorys are stored forever but you will now be able to control yourself and your behavior and how you react to that memory.

Thank you; I really appreciate this. It all feels so strange right now. I think I am somewhat co-conscious while writing, and when the voices are replaying themselves in my head. I mean, I can have conversations and stuff. But in the therapy situation the emotions seem to run so high I lose that element of control. It's better than it was - the memories which were replaying were almost hysterical formless ones. Everything got out of control in that, and there wasn't anyone then who seemed to be able to help me ground myself as my new T can. So maybe there is hope that shula and I will find some common ground and space to share in T's office.
thank you.

you're welcome
Hang in there its tough but well worth it.
take care

Caroline,

I struggle with the same issue of "having the right to express myself". When I did, I was criticized and belittled etc. And it also made the ******* worse. It's a big struggle to express and scary. But, I can't stay where I am.

Keep up the good work!

Songbird