I could use a hug!!

I haven't logged in for a while, but I really could use someone...anyone...to just say to me that they understand what I'm going through and that they care that it's so rough for me.
I woke up today with a small dime sized burn on my right arm near my elbow. I don't remember how I got it. I have an alter who likes to cook and eat just about anything. She comes out a lot lately, but she only comes out when I'm asleep. I mostly know about her from my daughter who lives with me, but lately my daughter has been at her boyfriend's a lot and I'm alone.
I don't usually see evidence of what I've done while being an alter (except for food being missing), but lately there's been a lot of food gone and burnt stuff on the stove. Recently I went to use the oven and it was smoking...I guess my alter had decided to cook a piece of chicken by just putting it in the oven without even a pan underneath it, so there was a lot of grease on the bottom of the oven. Now I have this burn...
I had another appointment with my doctor today and I just feel so alone. For the last year since I've known for sure I have DID (and not just sleepwalking), my doctor and my T have just been acting like what I'm doing as an alter isn't so bad. I don't know if they just don't believe me or if they just don't care.
I'm scared and I feel so alone. I just wish someone would give me a hug and tell me they understand what I'm going through and feeling.
My daughter has told me that my alter even eats and drinks strange things. I guess I have even drank Windex calling it a blue slushie. The fact is, I could possibly hurt myself or hurt someone else as my alter. If I make a fire and can't put it out, that is really dangerous. I live in an apartment building and my neighbor across from me is on oxygen...not good for a fire.
It's really hard because I know my alter could do something dangerous without meaning to and I feel like my doctor and T just don't care...which I feel is very negligent.
It's been hard to sleep lately because I know I will probably become my alter. It's also hard to sleep because I feel like no one truly cares. It's hard to sleep knowing I might never wake up if I accidentally kill myself or burn down the whole building.
I could really use a hug!!

Please take care of yourself. Let your P'doc know about what is happening.......

Big hug goes out to you. It was very difficult the first year I was diagnosed with DID. I didn't know a lot about it just that I switched. Try to get to know the alter that cooks. Ask her questions. She doesn't sound like she is trying to harm you. It sounds a lot like a younger alter that cooks. Some of my alters did not talk directly to me but I found that if I talked out loud to them they could hear me. I found that most didn't know me either. So I talked about myself and our living situation and stuff like that. Now most of my parts will talk to me (if they want to). and that has been good for all of us. I hope you feel better. Hugs.

I can imagine how scary that is...and was thinking to myself as I was reading what you had put down.

how I would be scared for the safety of myself and others in your situation...waking up to a smell of burning is not something anyone would like to wake up to let alone....if they had no idea how or why it happended.

I have a very close friend of mine that....I am not sure she has DID per say but a few days ago while I was visiting my boyfriend at his place she had a dream that she had cut her self in a dream. The horrifying thing was that she woke up the next morning to find she did have a cut mark on her upper arm near her right elbow.

It would horrify me to no end to something like that.... not having a clue how it came to be there.

I don't have dissociative disorder but saw you needed a hug and understanding. I hope you can find a way to stay safe.

I'm sorry things are so rough! It is difficult when trying to get other people (who just don't understand) to realize how serious of an issue it is for you.

I've had a lot of people accept my alters' behaviours as okay, and not even think about what it means (professionals). In my case, i know they are trying to keep me from becoming overwhelmed by it, and to learn to accept it. But all I think is that if it were them, I KNOW they wouldn't be so okay with everything. I will sometimes switch to a 5/6 year old and it is difficult because she's not able to handle big or grownup issues that might come up. I've had counsellors tell me that is okay, and it makes me frustrated. I tell them to imagine they are themselves, and then suddenly they do/say x, y, z. It's not someone else doing it, it's their body, their life doing it and they have no control over it. I suggest that they wouldn't be okay with it if it was them doing it. The answer after that was quite a bit more thoughtful, and she admitted that she had been trying to make me feel like I wasn't a freak or anything.

Sometimes people can say really insensitive things when they are trying to support you. I would suggest talking to them and seeing if you can get a straight answer on where they stand with DID as a possibility. Some medical professionals don't believe that DID is a real thing, and it would be nice to know if your supports believe that. If that's true, there's not a lot you can say to get them on board, and it might be time to find another Dr and T. As well you should be able to request a second opinion from another Dr, so that's another route.

I know you're more looking for emotional support, but I like to toss out ideas as well in case you're feeling the need to do something.

All the best, my dear!!!
IJ

PS, Claritytoo has a great idea with trying to communicate with your alter. It might be possible to write a note to her one night and see if she answers. If she reads/writes and is willing to answer, it would be really helpful to communicate by notes.

Another thought, could your daughter accompany you to T one time and help explain the alter and her behaviours to your T? Sometimes the extra support is very helpful in appointments.

((((((((((((((Huge hugs to you)))))))))))))))

you are not alone ♥

Wow, thank you everyone!!!!! It means so much to me!!
I've been feeling so stuck and overwhelmed lately...feeling like I'm living on borrowed time and even if I should keep going. I haven't been suicidal in a long time, but I've been questioning if my being alive might cause harm to someone else = like if I burned down the building. I wouldn't want to ever hurt anyone. Thank you for giving me some good ideas on trying to communicate with my alter! I will try talking out loud to her and leaving her notes.
I do know why she's been coming out so much - thanks to my alter telling my daughter. She told my daughter that she's not going anywhere until I get my life together. Trying to get my life together has always been a struggle, but I had been making some progress until a few months ago (when my alter started coming out more). I know what's troubling me, but I'm not sure what I need to do to feel better...maybe one of you can help me?
My father was abusive when I was little, but I've always tried to have some kind of communication with him. When I told him I have DID, he told me that I might be possessed by demons (he's a Jehovah's Witness) and then he went on and on about how good his wife is (she has many mental health diagnoses and is in and out of the hospital). I told him I didn't want to see or talk to him again.
I'm having problems moving on from this...and I can't pinpoint why it's bothering me so much. I've thought of discontinuing contact with my father many times over the years, but I guess the idea of him not really supporting my feelings (and bringing the whole religion into it that I know he doesn't really believe in) and still supporting the feelings of his wife even though she has problems just really hurt me. I thought my dad would always be there for me...even in his own tiny way..., but after what he said I knew that was over. Maybe I just wanted to be the one to stop caring about him and I'm upset that he stopped caring about me first?? I'm not sure...all I know is I no longer truly have a father and it hurts more than I thought it ever would. I feel like I lost my last support...even though I never thought of him as a support before...it's just so weird. I feel like this shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is.
Does anyone have any ideas?

It is ok that it bothers you. It's like grieving a loss. But it doesn't change your life. You still have your daughter and your friends. You are taking care of yourself. Maybe not talking to him is just another way of taking care of yourself. You are working on your future now and that is good.

Thank you, Claritytoo! I think you're right that I am grieving the loss of having my father. I think my problem has been that I haven't been trying to grieve - I've been trying to hold in my emotions about him because I felt like he didn't deserve me to grieve over him. I know he doesn't deserve me to grieve, but I guess I deserve to allow myself to grieve. Thank you so much for your insight!! Tonight I will give myself some time to grieve my loss over him. I've been feeling ashamed to admit I cared about my dad a little bit. Thank you for helping me feel that it was okay.

Hugs (((( Tremor )))) Sorry I missed your post when you first posted. I know this will sound odd but in the end you'll start to actually trust your alters, scary to do but you know it wasn't you that was the abuser. Sorry if I am way off base, but your alters are trying to tell you something. Therapy is the answer!

((((Tremor))))))

You are allowed to feel any way you do. Of COURSE you loved him. He was your father. It is difficult to take away loving someone, even if they abused you.
You could look at it not so much that you're grieving your specific father, but also that you're grieving having a father figure at all. You're grieving the lost opportunities as a child, as an adult with a father. You're grieving the possibility that he could change and be the father you always wished for. Even if logically you knew that may not have happened, it would be extremely rare if you didn't hope for that in your heart. knowing the contact is over makes that possibility much less likely.

It sounds like amazing progress to find out that your alter is there because she feels you need her. I take it as proof that she is there to protect you, even if she doesn't know the best way to do this. I had an alter that was so angry at people, and when she took over I'd say and do things that made people really not want to be around me. I was so upset with her for pushing people away. Finally I realized that she in her own way was really trying to protect us from being hurt, by hurting other people first. I was able to genuinely thank her for that and eventually she has become a very dear part of me. Many times it feels like alters just need some recognition, and they settle down a little and are more easy to work with.
I hope writing or talking to her can help you out with this! You are an amazing person, for sure!!
All my best,
IJ

Hey tremor here' you a (((( tremor ))))))) hug!

Here have a few more to carry with you.

Peace and hugs, Crew

I wish I had seen this sooner. I hope you know that our faith doesn't really teach that people that have mental illness including DID are demon possessed. He probably knows better too.

first may I say I am glad you are ok and am surprised your doctors have not hospitalized you because of all this danger stuff going on.

I have a relative who drank windex on a dare. now she can not eat solid food. the stuff in windex is corrosive, her mouth and throat are now not very good at eating. lots of things in her mouth and throat dont work any more. it took her a long time to heal just from a couple swallows of windex on a dare. I am very glad you are ok and able to eat things like chicken and other things your alters cook for you.

what helped me the first year of being diagnosed was my doctors telling me nothing has changed and nothing that hasnt already happening will happen now. getting the name DID did not change anything other than name what already is. maybe thats what your doctors mean when they are treating it as if its nothing new and nothing to worry about.

maybe you can tell your doctors that all this danger stuff is scaring you and you want to be safe. maybe you and your doctors can make emergency plans like when my alters got into un safe things my plan was hospitals.

Ummm I was rereading threads in this board and discovered something...those of us that have replied to this here in 2017....turns out we are answering an old, and I mean years old thread where the member has not been around since January 4th 2014. This thread is from way back then.

I really wish there was a way to make it so that when a member goes inactive for a space of time, maybe a year, these older threads dont keep coming up confusing everyone thinking whats in the thread is happening right now so confusing.

I know this post is from a long time ago. I hope that you are doing well now.