[Claritytoo]

Really bad week emotionally. My dog of 12 years got gravely ill. Doing the right thing is sometimes extremely painful. We think of her everyday and we miss her everyday.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Kiya

back in and out of psych ER last night for SI.... considering things, I'm surprised they let me out after 5 hours. On my discharge it lists "Primary: Mood Disorder". Grrr. DID is NOT a mood disorder. Or even a personality disorder. LEARN, PEOPLE!!!! lol

sorry that happened to you. just a heads up in some locations, and by some treatment providers DID is still considered a mood disorder or personality disorder if they are going by the IDC or other versions of the DSM then the present one.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider, they will be able to explain why the ER diagnosed you (by that I mean wrote down on discharge list) that it was mood disorder. that way should this happen again it might not be so upsetting for you to see that labeling.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Really bad week emotionally. My dog of 12 years got gravely ill. Doing the right thing is sometimes extremely painful. We think of her everyday and we miss her everyday.

((((((((((((Clarity!!!)))))))))))))

[Kiya]

I'm not even going to bother (probably) to talk to my therapist dr lady about any of it: the SI, the ER, the listing. She doesn't know DID at all and doesn't seem to know about any of it. "how was your week?" "fine". I just make her nervous.
Saw my medical doc today (after review of ER). she'd asked me if i'd cut anywhere else and I looked away. she said she'd just leave all that to the therapist, since it's not her area. *shrug*

[Ellahmae]

Switching way too much this week. It's taking a huge toll...

we're still not sure that the protector of the system is doing what she's supposed to be doing.

angry at all of us lately for some reason

but we'll find the cause

[Patagonia]

Alone w/my parts all day during the wk. conversations r exhausting!
I just wanto sleep.
Why is this life constantly full of such pain & torture!

Isn't there anything else?

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Alone w/my parts all day during the wk. conversations r exhausting!
I just wanto sleep.
Why is this life constantly full of such pain & torture!

Isn't there anything else?

the only comfort is that this is only for now. it's not forever

(someone's been listening to too much of avenue q. lol)

but it's true. this all is only for now

[Kiya]

did tell t after all about SI... can't remember much of the meeting, but I think she said something like it was good that I went in and that I know that that is just part of my life. that I have to go in sometimes to be safe. she was more understanding about than I gave her credit for.
(I keep hoping she'll do something I can't tolerate so I can quit, but each time she surprises me LOL)

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

the only comfort is that this is only for now. it's not forever


(someone's been listening to too much of avenue q. lol)


but it's true. this all is only for now

I beg to differ. I went back in my private messages from close to 4 yrs ago on here, PC & read the same issues I'm still dealing w/now.
I have online journals that date back & hand written journals from over 10 yrs ago. I hate to read them, but yday I did. I'm still complaining about the same ****, different set of problems, but all the same MH issues.
Some move on. Some get better.
I'm not sure where I stand except in the same place.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Kiya

did tell t after all about SI... can't remember much of the meeting, but I think she said something like it was good that I went in and that I know that that is just part of my life. that I have to go in sometimes to be safe. she was more understanding about than I gave her credit for.
(I keep hoping she'll do something I can't tolerate so I can quit, but each time she surprises me LOL)

I am glad to hear that things went well with your t and that you are feeling better.

bad night with helusinations last night.

1 of those nights that dragged and dragged

glad it's over

[darkpurplesecrets]

no sleep last night. head felt so overwhelming with voices, chattering, and fear. feels as though one walking without living. feel worthless and like we don't fit. some days just want out, this is one of those days. silence seems to surround, too scared to trust, too scared to be heard. each day feels like treading through quicksand that is pulling farther and farther down into the black silent hole. no one knows or can hear, for this silence leads to aloneness and aloneness leads to nothingness. too bad to be held, too ugly to be.....this is one of those days.....shhhhhhhh...............

[Georgia Bridge]

TERROR! O.K., it's an exaggeration, but it feels like terror.

Lines are getting blurred, who is who?...does it matter? It just equates to one giant enigma.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

no sleep last night. head felt so overwhelming with voices, chattering, and fear. feels as though one walking without living. feel worthless and like we don't fit. some days just want out, this is one of those days. silence seems to surround, too scared to trust, too scared to be heard. each day feels like treading through quicksand that is pulling farther and farther down into the black silent hole. no one knows or can hear, for this silence leads to aloneness and aloneness leads to nothingness. too bad to be held, too ugly to be.....this is one of those days.....shhhhhhhh...............

I hear ya (((((DPS)))))) couple of nights ago, I wanted out, too. But I called a crisis line or two and talked to a couple of social workers in the last 2 days and I am still here. Keep walkin the walk! One moment, then the next.

[Kiya]

PT correctly read my mood and put that together with seeing I'd been in ER last week. Got me to be honest with her (and let me know she's had other clients like me and that she cares). She had a social worker call me today. There are no services to be had (as I already know - hence why I was struggling so much), but it is nice that people care. Helps some. And pt said "I hope you don't do anything.... I'd miss ya." Then gave me a hug at the end of session.

[Claritytoo]

Really strange experience today. I was working on my bathroom and had made some errors that at the time didn't seem like much. Later I walked into the bathroom and knocked over a box of nails. I had done a similar thing earlier but just picked them up. This time I totally flipped out with angry thoughts toward myself. I was so angry it was ridicules, I allowed myself to experience the feelings and thoughts. The anger was directed at me. I made my way to the other bathroom and looked in the mirror to see who was there. It was my mother. The same scary angry insane face I remember seeing on my mother. As I looked into the mirror I thought in my head that this is a part that acts like my mother when she was angry and mean. I kept looking at her and listening to her and I realized we are not her. This part is still in our system. It makes me think about how I will react the next time I make an error. Or maybe now that I see her she won't attack us because we know it is not how we will allow us to be treated. It was a weird experience once we decided to see who was there. We felt like her but we thought like one of the ones in the world. She allowed us to see her because she could have left, I think. I am not sure. The other may have held her there in body. We were both in the mirror and than there was just us.

[Claritytoo]

Last night I thought about going back to see my t. I mean I really thought about it. I haven't been able to find another t that I might be able to trust. The problem is that my t lied about something to me. She told me I was mistaken about something except I know it happened. I mean I know for a fact it happened. It's not the thing she did that bothers me it is the fact that she denies it when we both know the truth. She is young so I don't think she knows how to maintain a trusting relationship without feeling she needs to defend herself. All she had to do was say nothing. She didn't have to acknowledge it and she didn't have to deny it. Just say nothing about it. Saying nothing is not lying, it's agreeing to disagree and allows me to not feel like I need to respond. She needs to learn the art of smiling and saying nothing. Than everything would have moved along. And we can't even discuss it now because she will feel the need to defend herself again and we will be right back where we started. I think I just thought myself out of going back. But I could use some help with my system.

[Claritytoo]

Quit my job today. Boss and co workers were saying homophobic things during an early meeting at work. I told them I was gay but the negative comments just escalated. I am mostly gay but I have been in love with the opposite sex before. Maybe I am bi. I don't care. I am not going to put myself in a situation where I feel demeaned or degraded. Now I have to find another job. Not easy these days. Tuf last couple of weeks. But my family is well and today was my nieces birthday. We all went out to lunch. I should get back into therapy. I think that would help. I am glad for this site.

[Georgia Bridge]

Good for you! Well wishes for the job hunt, Claritytoo.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Georgia Bridge

Good for you! Well wishes for the job hunt, Claritytoo.

Thanks for the well wishes.

[Gr3tta]

Being assessed for DBT classes tomorrow. Nervous. Not sure what to expect.

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

Being assessed for DBT classes tomorrow. Nervous. Not sure what to expect.

My pdoc said just go here at this time when I was requesting trauma therapy. Ultimately it felt like a brush off.

So Steven went, and we saw where it would make sense if we were singular oriented like BPD was. Everyone there was borderline. I decided to go the 2nd time because Steven wasn't going back, and all I managed was going into a dissociative trance and DR that lasted a few hours. I quit going, too much talking that I'm not going to remember.

I hope you better luck.

I don't know if this makes sense, but, we are having a revived inner struggle.

We want to be real, others want to be one way, and others want to be another way. Then there are others that want to be unnoticed and invisible but yet, others that crave the limelight. Then...

We are at the pushing and taking stage. All that proclaiming that we are in co-op is egg on our faces. We are in a tug of war.

Times like these makes me feel crazy! It's like I want to be all of it! It's such a messed up feeling. It's like who can assert the most control for the longest? A day? Everyone fronting and voicing their opinion as law till the next...?

I feel so on edge and stressed, all the others....I can feel their opinions on my neck and back cramping...