![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#1
|
||||
|
||||
Everyone is out of control, well not everyone, it is mostly Ella and now Lauren. Lauren just wants this all to stop and be over with so I am trying so hard to make sure she is not out and I stay in control. Lizzie was so scared yesterday, the poor sweetheart. She could not find her rabbit mimzy anywhere and she kept txting our T. She was so frightened and afraid without mimzy. T was a bit confused I think, Lizzie kept asking her to just come over and help her look but of course she was not able to do this. We found mimzy in the end, she was hiding under several soft blankets, Lizzie must have left her there in a panic after the yelling and fighting began and forgotten where she was. Lauren wants to kill us all, so much has been happening and the cut from 12 days ago is not healing at all - the stitches were meant to be taken out today but of course that cannot happen now. We have an appointment with our GP soon but she won't be able to help much and then tomorrow we must drive to see the psychiatrist and our T and then on Wednesday an appointment with the local psych team. Lauren will be devastated if they do not help her, she will feel like she is not worthy or deserving of help and this will make things much much worse.
Elisa
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
![]() Anonymous43209
|
#2
|
|||
|
|||
I am sorry to hear that you are all going so much. I think it would be good to ask Lauren what she wants to say to the doctors, than write it down and bring it with you when you go. The part I had who would tell us to kill our-self thought she was helping us. She thought we were in too much pain and thought that was a way out. Once we explained to her that that wasn't helping us, that it was just scaring us she seemed to understand. She doesn't tell us that as often as in the past but sometimes she will still say that out of habit. I used to think she was mean but now I believe she thought she was helping. Anyway I hope you all start feeling better soon.
|
#3
|
||||
|
||||
Thank you for replying. Lauren is the host, I am the protector or at least I try to be! I don't think Lauren wants help anymore, I can feel how exhausted she is from trying to fight Ella and him every day. I will try and ask Lauren what she wants her GP to know but her GP doesn't really know about us all so I don't want her to become confused. Ella and him are usually the parts that want everyone dead but now now Ella has convinced Lauren that it really would be for the best because even though he doesn't hurt the littles Lizzie and Kaylee he hurts the rest of us badly. He almost succeeded not long ago but Lizzie was so brave and stopped him and got us to the hospital. Ella is a nice girl she really is, she just gets really scared and frightened and she doesn't want Lauren or any of us to be hurt anymore or be in pain. She only sees freedom in death. He isn't nice though he is very bad and I cannot control him at all. He comes out so fast and only Lizzie is able to come out then because he will never hurt a good little girl like her.
Elisa.
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
#4
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
|
#5
|
||||
|
||||
No he doesn't which I find quite frustrating as I am meant to be the one keeping everyone safe and alive. He is angry though. Very angry and mad all the time. He often chucks things and then they break he throws them so hard. I do not know when he first appeared or why it is all so confusing but it seems like nothing or no one can get through to him. He is simply just there, sitting, waiting for the perfect chance, the perfect opportunity to kill Lauren. He scares the littles and Cady as well. I try to be strong and hold everything together, it is my job after all but it gets so hard. We must leave now for that appointment. I have done a lot of thinking but I still don't know what we should tell her. Kaylee is shaking and feels very scared, I should find benji for her to help comfort her.
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
#6
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
|
#7
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
What I found out as I started letting him express himself, in a very controlled environment.. lets say by just letting him out a little to scribble in a journal.. that he was a very hurt child... acting out, because he was so afraid and alone it was the only way he could get attention... not sure if it is safe to let him out a little, but it might help your system understand him better??/ (((hugs)))) sorry it is so hard right now... try and stay grounded...
__________________
Lindsey “Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal...... “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli |
#8
|
||||
|
||||
Thank you Clarity and Lindsay. I am not sure how old he is or if he even has an exact age. I just feel him, we all feel him and he is very strong and we feel cold and it is so dark, black, nothing, a never ending black hole ready to sweep us all in in and instant. It is so loud there, but there is no sound really but there is and it's very red and angry like.
Lindsay I think letting him out a little may be helpful but like you said I am not sure if it is safe to do this yet. But in a controlled, safe environment it may be ok. I am not sure, I will have to think about it. The appointment was a disaster. The GP would not let us talk as Lauren needed a mental health plan done to help pay for seeing our T, and the GP said that either Lauren spoke or she did the mental health plan.. that we could not do both. In the end though and after the mental health plan had been completed Cady came out and briefly told her what had been happening. She was very brave, her voice was shaking and everything but she kept talking, I am very proud of her. She got to almost telling the GP about the cut but the GP got up and I knew it was time to go, we never told her and we walked out and left as she wished for us to do. It was a disaster. And then we drove to Lauren's parents house to pick up a bill. The mum confronted Lauren and she was so confused. I had to come out fast and make us walk out and leave, it was the safest thing to do. Lauren can't know what happened on the weekend, who spoke to who. It is a mess, I admit but the mum has to know Lauren is not coping as well as what she thought she was, she is her mum after all. But now the mum is really worried and concerned but it will be ok, won't it? I don't know. I should email the mum explaining what happened on the weekend. I hate doing this, trying to fix things but it is my job. Elisa
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
#9
|
||||
|
||||
Elisa have you ever tried to talk with lauren and ask how she feels about her Mum
__________________
Lindsey “Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal...... “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli |
#10
|
||||
|
||||
I try to but she bottles up and will not talk about her at all.
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
#11
|
||||
|
||||
Who bottles up Elisa or Lauren. Maybe just start with a hi. Or something nice. Dint talk about difficult ult
Maybe it would help just to say hi. No lecture. Just say hi im Elisa how are you. Just listen like you would to a friend get to know her a little dont try to fix things. Just get to know her and she you...baby steps
__________________
Lindsey “Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal...... “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli |
#12
|
||||
|
||||
bigs bottles up. lisy try talk to big abouts the mum but big not talk real much. he real loud right now so me had come out so he not hurt us. he say he not hurt me cuz me good girl ands he never hurt good little girls like me. me nots like him but cuz he mean and scares everyone even lisy then she cant help me and kaylee ands that make me real sad
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
#13
|
|||
|
|||
You seem to be going through a lot. I used to give myself a big hug and tell everyone that we will be alright and that we are safe now. I would just sit there with my arms wrapped around our body and say that to everyone over and over. It helped us feel warm. You and your system is working very hard I can tell. I think all of you are doing a good job. It takes time to come to agreements with everyone. We set rules that no one could hurt the body because the body had been hurt enough. It took a while but now everyone agrees that the body has always helped us and has protected us and we should not harm the body. He is one of us. We have all been assaulted and abused, we all share that horrific truth. I think we all seem to realize that we are a team, we are one in our effort to survive. We did it when we were very little we can do it now in the present. We don't all agree but we are willing to hear what each other thinks. Stay strong I think you will all start feeling once you start working with your therapist.
|
#14
|
||||
|
||||
Im really sorry you're going through such a tough time. All of you are being very brave. Is there a way to put the self that wants to kill everyone in lockdown? I had to do that and sometimes still do. It's a place inside I can put her. I also have some safe places the kids can play. I hope this helps. I'm sorry your GP walked out while one of you was talking that's super disrespectful and awful.
May angels surround you.
__________________
Be like water making its way through cracks, do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, if nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. --Bruce Lee |
#15
|
||||
|
||||
Where we live is upstairs. No one can come through the door unless I let them in but that doesn't stop the others coming out when they want. We live in a big room but at the back is a black door. I try to lock it but I can't find the key anywhere. I can't find the key to lock the door. That is where he is you see, behind the door but we can't lock it so he always comes out and hurts everyone but the littles.
In the left front corner of the room is where Kaylee and Lizzie usually hang out. They have soft big cuddly cloud beds and Kaylee likes them very much. She feels safe in the cloud bed and nothing can hurt her when she is in her cloud bed. They have rainbow lights and glowing stars to help keep the bad people away. Both of them are afraid of the dark you see. Night time is when all the bad things happen. Lizzie has Lauren's blue baby blanket too to help her sleep at night. They also both have special rabbits. Kaylee has benji and Lizzie has mimzy but a lot of the time Kaylee offers benji to Lizzie when Lauren is not home but Lizzie has to come out but gets scared. Kaylee does not speak, ever, but she has the kindest, sweetest heart out of everyone. I am usually located in the other corner towards the front of the room. I do a lot of reading and like reading very much. Lately I do not read though, so much has been happening and I simply do not have the time, I also have to look over everyone and make sure everything is going ok. Behind me is Cady and she always seems to be seated at a desk. There are lots of papers and books and journals. She is a writer and you can always see that she is working on something. She is scribbling frantically right now, I feel she is distressed and she is looking very worried and concerned. She is working on something but she is scared she won't be able to accomplish what she needs too. I feel bad for Cady. I want to help her but I do not know how. I am not so good when it comes to writing and problem solving, I try to do the best I can but the others are better than me. I just do what I can and hope we are all ok in the end. Ella is always pacing around the room. She is angry right now. Mad. I can't work out what she is thinking she is blocking me out but I know it won't be good. She keeps bending down and inspecting her arms and legs but I hope this does not mean she will cut again. Lauren tried so hard in that assessment this afternoon and in the phone call this morning. But I don't think Ella thinks it is good enough. I am turning around now, I do not want to think bad things right now and I am scared the black door will burst open at any moment. Elisa.
__________________
"...sometimes the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel, is to crawl through the mud in darkness." ~ Rachel Reiland - get me out of here ~ |
Reply |
|